here's my confession

being alone with my feelings, have nowhere to run, while they're dancing inside my mind and all that i can do is just handle

[thisishowillremindyou]

you told me that you were broken and that you wanted to heal.

i did not know that your soul was glass i did not know that your heart was dark

you aimed the broken pieces of your soul at my heart like arrows. i broke my soul trying to mend yours.

my fingertips bled as i weaved your soul back together. and my eyes dried up from the tears of my pain.

i always believed that pain cleanses your soul as rain cleanses the earth. so i let my heart storm through my eyes.

and once your soul come back together, you told me that i was broken.

you told me that you were not a doctor and that your words were just words.

you told me to move out of your way. because who would want a wounded soul like mine.

and now i turn my heart i turn to myself to say,

my dear heart, forgive me. forgive me for breaking you as i healed others

forgive me for making you beat to the happiness of others.

forgive me for not listening to you.

i promise you from today. i promise you from this moment. to put you first, and put me first

[thisishowillremindyou]

I used to write my poems for you. Now I write to forget about you.

And it’s sad, because I remember you now that you’re gone more than I remembered you when you were still here.

[thisishowillremindyou]

You say that I mean nothing to you, but you search for my eyes in the face of every woman you meet. You search for my warmth in the soul of every woman you seek. You think that if time and circumstance forced you to force me out of your life, that time and circumstance owe you a woman like me. Search, my darling. Search. <i>I do not come twice in the eternity that passed nor in the one to come.</i>

[thisishowillremindyou]

I told you that I was in pain, and when you asked me why, I told you that you took so much from me. I gave you love. I gave you time. I believed in you. But you turned out to be the biggest disappointment of my life. You asked me what you owed me, and I told you, “Nothing that you could give me back.”

Some scars are scared on our souls for eternity to witness.

[thisishowillremindyou]

loving you is like starring down the barrel of gun.

i see the bullet coming. i see it rushing towards me. i don’t move. i meet the bullet at the eye. i say your name out loud. i let the bullet inside me.

bullet in my eye. metal through the black. ring of fire ‘round its steel body.

it is yours. it has always been yours. and it is home

[pena-kecil-deactivated20190401]

aku pernah memaksa ingatan untuk menyembunyikan segala kenangan tentangnya, namun aku gagal. setelah aku memahami, beberapa lama kemudian aku menyadari, jika melupakan bukan tentang memaksa, melainkan tentang rasa ikhlas. . suatu hari, yang entah kapan, akan segera kutemukan— mencintainya aku tak lagi akan, merindukannya sesuatu yang pantang, dan kembalinya tak kuharapkan. . aku akan mengingatnya, sampai benar-benar tidak ada yang tersisa. kepergiannya yang untuk seseorang, tidak akan lagi menjadi luka. . darinya, aku tahu satu hal— cinta yang baik memang hanya bisa terlahir dari doa, kejujuran, ketulusan, kesetiaan dan kepercayaan. satu saja hilang, hancur sudah cinta. . selalu ada yang lebih baik, lebih baik dan lebih baik. namun aku belajar, jika cinta adalah tentang rasa cukup. semakin sibuk mencari yang sempurna, secara tidak sadar, kita akan kehilangan yang terbaik. . . . selamat melupakan, selamat menemukan.

[thisishowillremindyou]

why was it so hard for me to let go of you?

I had no home. And with that, I was content, because I never knew that it felt like to feel like home. So you built a home for me. And I finally felt like I belonged. All of my scattered pieces suddenly come together. Somewhere, I put my heart to sleep as you cradled my worries away. I woke up one day, cold, abandoned, without a roof on top, without windows or walls.

Without you.

And you wonder why I am unable to let you go. Before you, I never knew what a home was. You gave me a taste of heaven. And with your hands, you took it away.

Once you enter heaven, you can never live again the same way.

[pena-kecil-deactivated20190401]

aku pernah menginginkan untuk sampai pada waktu di mana teman bicaraku di kedai kopi adalah kamu. aku pernah menginginkan untuk sampai pada waktu di mana pagiku adalah menyeduhkan kopi pagimu. pun aku juga pernah menginginkan untuk sampai pada waktu di mana segala tulisanku adalah puisi cinta untuk kamu. namun itu dulu, sebelum akhirnya aku tahu, kamu bisa dengan semudah itu melepaskan aku. sebelum akhirnya aku tahu, kamu bisa dengan semudah itu mematahkan harapan-harapanku. juga sebelum akhirnya aku tahu, segalamu yang kepadaku, bukanlah bentuk kejujuran hatimu. hari ini, selamat, sikapmu telah berhasil mematikan hatiku.

[pena-kecil-deactivated20190401]

kalau kamu bisa dengan mudah melepaskan aku, kenapa aku harus bersusah payah dalam merelakanmu?

S.A (via pena-kecil)

[pena-kecil-deactivated20190401]

semakin ikhlas kamu mencintai seseorang, semakin kamu memahami– memiliki atau tidak, bahagianya adalah doa terbaikmu.

S.A (via pena-kecil)

[pena-kecil-deactivated20190401]

dari kehilangannya, aku benar-benar memahami satu hal— ternyata, melepaskan juga bagian terbaik dari cinta. . mungkin, setelah hari ini, aku tidak akan lagi merindukannya. bahkan, sekadar mendengar namanya saja, aku akan tetap merasa baik-baik saja, tanpa lagi merasa luka yang tersisa. . mengapa bisa? . bisa, sebab selama ini ia memintaku menjaga hati untuknya, namun ia, dengan begitu mudahnya jatuh hati pada seseorang yang lainnya. . aku, memeluk kehilangan, untuk kesekian kalinya. namun sungguh, patah hati yang hari ini, telah membuatku membuka mata— cinta boleh, kehilangan logika, jangan. . ia tidak benar-benar mencintaiku, bahkan kesetiaanku seperti tidak ada nilai apa pun di matanya. dengan mudahnya ia menghancurkan segala bentuk rasa percaya. . namun, tak apa. aku tetap berterima kasih pada semesta, sebab hatiku tidak dibiarkan mencintai seseorang yang salah, lebih lama. . hal menyakitkan apa pun, aku belajar menerima. bahkan, ketika seluruhnya harus terbayar dengan air mata. . setelah hari ini, aku berjanji. tidak akan lagi ada patah hati yang kesekian kali. lukaku, tidak kuinginkan. kembalinya— sungguh, tidak sedetik pun aku mengharapkan. . dalam hati dan ingatanku, ia telah mati, bersamaan dengan kepergiannya, yang untuk dia. . . #penakecil_id cr.pict: line

[thisishowillremindyou]

your eyes held stories I longed to hear, your hands held me as if the mere purpose for them were belonging to my body. my dreams tasted like your smile, because I left mine on your lips. you lingered deep within me, where I couldn't begin to reach. flowing in my veins you nagged at me steadily with every heartbeat. I carried you with me from then on in my hair and in my skin and I could smell you when I breathed, and when I moved, and in the wind.

[thisishowillremindyou]

seeing you dance, and fly, and dream upon the stage, upon the screen living, loving; wild and free overflows and floods my bloodstream gets my heart rate escalating, kiss me, kiss me taste all the belief that belief I have in you and how this is only the beginning

[thisishowillremindyou]

time tick tick ticks your absence grows like vines around me my body succumbs to an eternal slumber begging to be broken free begging to be awakened by you

[thisishowillremindyou]

what i love about you

what i love about you is that you are strong and not the kind of strong that makes people sad the kind of strong that suffers you're the kind of strong that seems like it was never weak to begin with the kind of strong that remains when everything else breaks

[thisishowillremindyou]

i've never been good at living. i've never been good at loving either, until you. and i've never been so good at anything, as good as I am at loving you.

[mbeeer]

Pergilah. Suatu saat kau akan mengingatku sebagai yang selalu ada di setiap baik dan burukmu. Dan aku akan mengingatmu sebagai yang selalu pergi, di kala aku tak punya waktu.

#Repost @kikyat with @repostapp ・・・ (at Petra, Ma`An, Jordan)