#avapoetry

[vav-ava]

page from my book ‘for A.’

[thisishowillremindyou]

loving you is like starring down the barrel of gun.

i see the bullet coming. i see it rushing towards me. i don’t move. i meet the bullet at the eye. i say your name out loud. i let the bullet inside me.

bullet in my eye. metal through the black. ring of fire ‘round its steel body.

it is yours. it has always been yours. and it is home

[thisishowillremindyou]

you asked if that poem was about you, the one where i wanted to kiss you but i didn't. i told you the poem was just made up and not real. you looked at me. you said nothing. you must have known i was lying. through the gap in my teeth. you instead brought your lips to the palms of my hands and told me not to think. you brought your lips to my lips water to desert, stillness to rage. wine to the lies that live inside me. wine to the lies that don't survive, when around you.

[thisishowillremindyou]

i am trying to write you next to me, how many times have i wanted this? how many days and nights since you've left? how many times have i wanted to feel you here ...... warm blood and read heat --beneath my skin --beneath my nails --between my legs --between my teeth. how long must i wait for you when i want you now. now. now. now.

[thisishowillremindyou]

i feel like i've been here before laying here watching you waiting with you like this in the midday dark heat with your back against the sun and you preparing to leave. you look at me before you go. time has won again. you look at me watching you and you leave with your taste still wet on my lips and your hands still fresh in my cheeks.

[thisishowillremindyou]

feeling don't just go away, right? how could they? how could they have come and gone so quickly and leave me here waiting for you at the ledge for you for you to feel the same again? how could i let myself feel this way again without knowing for sure this time you are for real?

[thisishowillremindyou]

you loved him with your whole heart and he left anyway, and there is no shame in that. there is no shame in how deep and how far you will go for love. there is no shame in how you let yourself break. and when you let love be the one that saves you in the end, there is no shame in that either. there is poetry in symmetry. how beautiful and how brave you are for letting yourself die for letting yourself live for letting yourself rise again and again and again.

[vav-ava]

no exit wounds.