little world

letters to the void

[thisismito]

i’m always so tired. always so tired of the feelings i keep having when I try to take up space; I’d always assume people would think of me as a self absorbed individual who never knew when to shut up.

[thisismito]

this week’s achievement…. at least i got something

[thisismito]

really should stop wasting time on things that don’t matter.

“Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things.”

‭‭Philippians‬ ‭4‬:‭8‬ ‭ESV‬‬

things get revealed when they get revealed; no matter how hard you try to predict the outcomes, or understand the context - find the clues, or use reason; you are limited.

[thisismito]

I live a very exhausting life, constantly stuck between the pull of wanting to be heard and yet stay silent at the same time. I want my discomfort discovered without having to tell, for my heart to be mended without having asked. for someone to see beyond the words i say, the explanations i offer; the words i fail to scream.

she’s asking “have you noticed” as if to say, this is the explanation. and when he says “i noticed” it feels like - no you don’t need to explain, i know

or maybe i just need a hug, i don’t know.

[thisismito]

mahal kita, yun ang alam ko.

di ko mapapatahimik mga demonyo sa utak mo.

diko mapapatigil paguho ng mundo mo.

ayokong humingi ng kahit ano -

gusto ko lang hawakan ang kamay mo.

alam kong kaya mo naman mag isa

matapang ka.

sa ating dalawa, ikaw naman talaga

mas may tapang mag bitaw,

mas matapang umalis.

ikaw ang pulido ang tayo sa pag agos ng damdaming dahan dahan kang inuubos.

sana lamang, mahal

hayaan mo akong mahalin ka -

tabihan, punasan, alagaan.

nakatitig sa gilid,

habang hinaharap mo ang iyong kalaban.

[thisismito]

my melancholy has a way of painting the world in beautiful hues - from the warmest blankets in the middle of the harshest winter bringing me inexplicable joy, to the peaceful quiet that’s brought by the fact that by five - somehow everyone slows down and breathing becomes easy. it’s so wonderfully delightful to still be able to find beauty in fleeting glances of the orange sun as the moon follows you around - it makes me like living, makes me feel like the world is less harsh - makes me want to stay, if only for a few minutes more.

[thisismito]

i want calm.

i don’t want my heart to burst into flames from all the feelings it can’t contain.

i don’t want my mind to go haywire every minute because of something someone says so rarely.

i want to sleep and wake up and be glad that life can exist in the quiet, safely tucked and kept, with the kind of love i can depend on.

[thisismito]

i’ve never had people who sat with me long enough until the storms have tided over. sometimes i have to do it myself, other times the thoughts go away on their own; in any case, i guess what i’m trying to say is - i don’t mind being here all alone. i can handle my misery

[thisismito]

watching people leave all the time gets old easy. its not so much the that the consequences hurt less - anticipating the pain and feeling it as it comes is a skill only those whose worst fears have been realized learn to master.

[thisismito]

humility with the intention to be acknowledged is still pride in the end.

[thisismito]

sometimes i get scared with the same kind of fears people older than me tend to pass on. sometimes i forget, that i know me better than they do - and what i don’t know about myself, i will only ever learn to deal with and not despise. i am stronger.

[thisismito]

today can’t be the past again just because you miss it; you can’t erase the shape of the scars you’ve caused the hearts of others simply because you are willing to forget without paying the price.

[thisismito]

nakakapagod akong mahalin. palaging nagiisip; nakatutuok sa kisame, sa sulok - humihingang malalim. nakakapagod akong mahalin, sabi ko - di mo gusto ang isang tulad ko. mas bagay sayo ang masayahing tao, di bagay yung tayo, mas okay na yung ganito. ikaw, di na kasama yung ako.

di ko alam - “mahal kita” yun lang sagot mo.

“mahal kita” sa mga oras na ayaw ko.

“mahal kita” kahit tinutulak kita papalayo.

“mahal kita” kahit iyak lang maisasagot ko.

di ko alam, milyon - libo.

maraming tao sa mundo, tipong di mo kailangan halikan ang noo para mapanatiling buo. sa kasagsagan ng pagdududa sa pagmamahal mo, mahal mo padin ako. mahalin mo sarili mo, kaya ko ang iwanan mo. kaya kong makita kang masaya na hindi ako yung kasama mo. kaya ko, bitaw na - mahal ko.

mahal kita, yun ang alam ko.

di ko mapapatahimik mga demonyo ng utak mo.

di ko mapapatigil pag guho ng mundo mo.

sana, mahal - hayaan mo ako.

umupo sa tabi, hawak ang kamay mo.

[thisismito]

it feels like a lonely existence but life has always been this way. the number of miles, being physically absent from people’s lives makes the distance more pronounced but weren’t you already untethered?

[thisismito]

diko alam bakit basta mahal kita

yun na yun

[thisismito]

those whose hearts have been hurt the hardest are the kindest.

[thisismito]

no matter how late i stay up thinking about it, i can’t change what i can’t control. what the heck am i losing all these precious HOURS of sleep for?