This is not JH.

A collection of thoughts, mostly fueled by emotional suppression.

[thisisnotjh]

june blues, 2025

I read somewhere the other day that one writer was questioning her capability to write when she's no longer sad or miserable. As if she can only write something good when her life is falling apart, and when she was finally out of that phase — finally happy again, she couldn't write anything worth publishing.

Sometimes I think the reason why I never got any better at writing is because I'm always scared that nothing I write will ever be good enough. That I would only make a fool of myself. Even when I'm depressed, and miraculously write something average, I still think it's not good enough to share to other people. Maybe in the fear of it all, I've somehow limited myself within the pages of my journal.

I've been keeping a journal for more than a decade now and none of them has seen the light of day, except for this. It's terrifying to put yourself out there.

There is something to be said about the need for perfection and the fear of never quite being good enough at whatever I do. This feeling has haunted me in more ways than what my small hands can count. Opportunities for connection have been lost, chances for a deeper sense of self — also gone. I get this weird sensation of always trying to keep up, grasping for air, constantly falling short of what I envision.

Why am I always bothered by the imperfection? What does it say about myself and my relationship with the person I'm becoming?

It does keep me wondering how long I'm going to feel like this.

I could pinpoint the specific moments in the past that may have triggered this fear but the question is always on how to move past it. Yes, I know where it began but how do I stop myself from falling to the same patterns?

It's exhausting.

[thisisnotjh]

It's Christmas, how are you feeling?

Just wanted to come in on here and wish everyone a happy Christmas, for those who celebrate.

I'm having mixed feelings today, trying to grasp the the fact that another year is ending but also getting a grip of the present moment.

Honestly, it's more the holiday blues settling in after the chaos of Christmas eve dinner preparations. When the lights slowly go off and all of a sudden the house is quiet. Thoughts start to come flooding in and I can't help but feel scared at how fast time is passing. At this rate, I can't really keep up with how everything is happening and unfolding in front of me.

Always the feeling that I'm running out of time. That any minute now, I could be facing the worst days of my life and I can't do anything about it. That time is flowing forward and backward all at the same time and my hands are too weak to get a grip of the reality of my life.

It's terrifying to think about. My mind keeps circling back to thought patterns that I know is out of my control. Why is it so hard to process all of this? The inevitable passing of time. The undeniably hard truth that I am moving closer to an end. Whatever it is, I don't know.

As the year ends, I'm ultimately reminded of that.

The complex reality that every step towards my future is also another step to the end. How cynical, but how do I stop myself from thinking so? How do I make make peace with that?

I don't know why I'm writing all this here, on Christmas day of all days. It's just something that I absolutely have no idea how to deal with yet. At least not in the best and healing way.

[thisisnotjh]

books i'm currently reading

For the past few years, I have grown to enjoy my own company at home than going out to hang out with people. I've learned that as much as I love spending time with friends, I also value the peace and comfort of my bed while reading my books.

If you've gone through my home library, there may be a slight chance that you've noticed a certain trend in the books that I collect. Most are about people just living their mundane lives and navigating their emotions and the world around them. I guess I can go as far as saying that those maybe are my most prized possessions. I may write a separate post digging into each of those books but for now, I thought I might want to share with you the books that I'm currently reading.

Normal People by Sally Rooney

The first time I tried watching the series I stopped halfway through and thought maybe it just wasn't for me. I wasn't in the right headspace to truly appreciate the scenes and felt really pressured to like it at the time just because it was massively hyped in social media. Three years later in 2024, my fiancé and I thought to give it another chance and we surprisingly enjoyed it. In between discussions of how problematic the characters are. I did find the book at a cheap price after all the hype and am now more than half of it. What I want to get out of the book mostly are the intricate thoughts of the characters that were not obvious in the adaptation. I found that some of the scenes had a deeper discussion in the book and it's interesting trying to tie it all out together.

Some of my favorite shots in the show:

House of Spirits by Isabel Allende

This one I have been trying to finish for the last three months. Other than it's quite a hefty book, the narration spans generations and you could only imagine countless chapters that could've been scrapped to make it easier to flip through. The main character's sexist, abusive, and deeply disturbing monologues makes it even worse for me as a reader. Still hoping I could finish this one this year. Also, I just recently found out that there is a movie adaptation with Meryl Streep in it. Maybe I could try watching it and see if it's warranted to DNF or not.

The Lonely Castle in the Mirror by Mizuki Tsujimura

In my struggle to fight my mood reader era, I started this book while traveling. At the time, I wanted something light and dreamy and thought maybe this can work its magic. I'm only a few chapters in and quite excited about the world building most people have said in the reviews. There is also a recently released animated adaptation and I'm trying so hard not to watch it yet until I get at least halfway through the book.

No Longer Human by Osamu Dazai

You know how there are books that just aren't working for you and the plot just doesn't stick. Books that keep you wondering where the it's going or basically when it will pick up. This book checks so many boxes. It's slow and dull with the translation being monotonously structured. There are Japanese translated works that are good, don't get me wrong, but some translators just doesn't give it more depth. Maybe it's just me - I may have to put this down for a while.

[thisisnotjh]

[thisisnotjh]

this corner of the internet

I've been looking for ways to cope with my current situation. Revisiting this space for my thoughts as I navigate this phase in my life is one of the few ideas that I got.

Almost fifteen years ago, I found this corner of the internet. This has provided me comfort and little joys and had been a constant source of inspiration. It was saddening when people seemed to have moved on pretty quickly with technology and left this space. I always find myself longing for the time when logging on here was the best part of my day - creating silly posts, sharing random stories, and meeting strangers that share the same musings. It was a time of less judgement and more themed ingenuity.

Over the past years since, I found myself pulling away from other social media platforms. Like an outsider - slowly just making myself as invisible as possible. I rarely shared anything that showed my real emotions at the time. Always second guessing whether the people who follows me deserved to know this part of my life. Holding back became a thing and perfection crippled my ability to create. Even for myself.

Today, as I take on another 24 hours of life I want to reclaim my small corner in the internet. A space where I can freely ramble on about the most mundane things. A space for my most varied emotions. A space to let myself interact with the universe. A space for one more stranger.

Before I go, here's a song I've been listening to while writing this.

[femcelgirlie]

the girlies reading

[thisisnotjh]

Imposter Syndrome

When people tell you you're good at something, sometimes you just got to go with it. For someone like me, telling me I'm good at something makes me want to throw up.

I've never really been good with compliments, let alone thinking of creative ways to respond to it and actually live up to the pressure.

Obviously, there is a lot to unpack there.

Let me start with that time when kids were supposed to be just kids. It was the end of the school year and kids were made to go up on stage to receive awards that they supposedly worked hard for. During the head principal's speech, she asked the kids a trivia question just for the fun of it and whoever gets to answer first will get a hundred peso bill. Of course, I didn't know the answer. I barely had any idea why I was there or why I couldn't just stay at home and watch TV. I heard my mom whisper the answer to me and the last thing I knew I was standing on stage with a microphone on my hand, staring at the crowd of kids and parents, trying to say a word I haven't heard in my entire life.

I got the hundred peso bill. But it was the first time that I felt like I didn't deserve something that was freely given to me. I was seven.

Little did I know that it was just one of what will seem like a never-ending questioning of whether I deserve something by my own merit or not, even when everyone around says that I'm crazy to think that.

Maybe I am crazy?

Now that I'm almost thirty, every waking moment is a struggle to gauge a situation depending on my ability to quickly assess the chances of people finding out that I'm a fraud. That everything I do can be used against me in a series of challenges from different people.

"Would you like to take on this responsibility? We think you're the best fit for this role."

What if they find out that I'm actually not as good as they think I am?

"Hey, we'll assign you this task because we know you've got a talent in that area. You being creative and all."

How do they know that I have a talent at all? There are a lot of people who are better at this than I am. I know stuff but what if it's not what they're expecting from me?

"I love you, I know you can do this."

What if I can't? What if I'm gonna fuck this all up?

I look myself in the mirror.

How did it all come to this point?

When I can still clearly remember that moment when I was seven. It wasn't long ago but my heart is heavy and my gut is out of sorts.

Everyday since that day twenty-two years ago, things have happened that maybe created this fraud in the mirror. Maybe things didn't happen the way they were supposed to be twenty-two years ago.

Maybe if I keep going with it I'll convince everyone that I'm actually good at something. That maybe tonight as I hug myself to sleep, I'll convince myself that I'm good enough.

[thisisnotjh]

A Tribute

I feel this loss of someone I didn't even get to meet and I don't know how to deal with this grief. The heavy feeling I've been getting since having heard the news in the most random circumstance has quickly escalated into an existential dread.

I just don't know who to talk to about it and how this loss feels so much as losing a part me.

If you're probably reading this from whatever fraction of the universe, I hope there is peace and comfort in you. I didn't get the chance to know you personally but maybe in some other timeline, we got around to it. Thank you for inspiring a lot of people here in this corner of the internet.

[thisisnotjh]

I quit my corporate job.

I've been working for the past five years as a public accountant and it's just this year that I decided to take a break. I quit my job and went back to my hometown to reconnect with the person I was before my life became this hectic.

All my life I've always strived to be successful in a lot of things. At a young age, I was taught to believe that my achievements defined me. I didn't know that years later that would fuck me up.

The fear of failure grew much larger and stronger than my ability to keep up with the hunger to prove myself through what I can and can't do, especially at work. I didn't think that it would slowly shift my belief to an entirely different level of self-sabotage.

I became persistent to excel at my job and give more than what my mind could take until I started getting sick, skipping meals, and developing numerous body discomfort due to bad posture, staying seated for hours on end hunched over my laptop trying to meet impossible deadlines for my clients. I was hospitalized thrice last year, excluding all the times I tried to just take the day off at home even when my body felt like giving up.

It was the worst time for my physical health ever.

I started my job at a new company while still trying to recover from contracting the COVID-19 virus, and still I pushed through the employment, packed up my things and moved to a different city, because I thought this was my only chance, my only opportunity given the experience I'm trying to build and career path that I was slowly creating for myself. I couldn't let it slip away, but I've come to know, at what cost?

Nobody would ever prepare you for the life away from everything you've felt comfortable and easy. The loneliness of showing up to my soul-sucking job everyday for the fear of not being able to sustain myself and my family took a toll on my mental health. What my body was experiencing during times of stress at work was magnified by the constant back and forth of trying to weigh in on quitting and giving myself that peace of mind it's been longing for or die penniless, literally and figuratively.

I don't know what I'm going to do now.

I've got job offers from other companies but I'm not sure if I'm ready to put myself out there again, after such an exhausting struggle to get out of the system and let myself breathe for the first time in a while.

I don't know.

[firstfullmoon]

Barbara Crooker, “Grief” [ID in alt text]

[thisisnotjh]

Autopilot

Over the past weeks, my mind has been wandering. Only getting through the days in autopilot. One task after another. Never really looking forward, nor reflecting on how the day unfolded.

To say the least, I am tired.

But everyone gets tired, right? Living, making a living. I haven't met a single person who has never been tired in their entire lives. You work a nine-hour shift, you get tired at the end of the day. Even lounging at home, barely doing anything, makes you feel tired just the same. The only difference is, even when the whole world is presumptuously telling me that "hey, feeling tired's normal" "it's part of the process", I can't help but have this (irrational) feeling (and fear) that this will never go away.

Although, as a gemini/cancer cusp, this is all coming from a place of whirlwind emotional turmoil. I'm probably just overwhelmed by the amount of stress and (traumatic) events I had to process the past weeks, months, and years.

If you're wondering, it doesn't get easier. You get to process one event, slowly get over it, and then another one happens. "Please just let me breathe", I would repeatedly say to no one particular. I'd like to think there is a divine power, a higher being, that could somehow answer me and say, "Sure. Here's a breather. Take as much as you need."

But, of course, I haven't had an actual metaphysical experience, other than getting high over a cigarette smoke I shared with what I imagined as "God" after one of my panic attacks, which obviously does not count because (1) I don't smoke, and (2) the way I phrased me getting high only makes it completely clear that I've never been high in my life.