Ten days left, and you're gone, perhaps for good. I know we've already had our words, we've already shared what is there for us to share. I have to wrap my head around the fact that soon we'll have to restart our lives as if nothing happened, and perhaps we'll never see each other again. I didn't have to the guts to thank you face to face for everything. For the little things you do to make me happy. For the company shared, for listening to everything with no complaint nor judgement. It's a shame that I be the person who wants what he cannot have. I know what kind of a risk it is to love a man like me, especially given the fate you have. I came at the worst of times. Like you always said, had it been a different time, a different place, had it been earlier and not a moment too late, I'd be the one you'd be coming home to and you would be my cherished wife. You do not know what kind of anguish I go through right now, when I kissed you goodbye awhile ago. I felt like it was preparing myself for the actual last kiss goodbye. I cannot go home to a bed that smells exactly just like you, I cannot stay in a place where I bade you sleep nestled in my arms for hours with no care about tomorrow. I cannot stop thinking that I will never hold you in my arms again. It scares me to wake up one day knowing that I am no longer and will never be part of your life again.
Ito na ang ating huling sandali
Hindi na tayo magkakamali
Sulitin natin ito na ang wakas
Kailangan na yata nating umuwi
Lahat lahat ibibigay, lahat lahat
Paalam sating huling sayaw
Kaya't sabay tayong bibitaw
I'll miss taking calls beside you. How we'd share each morsel of food I can get my hands on, those secret lunches with you and the not-so-secret one we've had recently. Each second I've spent with you as we get closer and closer to the inevitable end makes me realize how big a part of my heart you'll be taking with you, and I don't really know if I can love a love like this anytime soon. Thank you as well for never holding me back. For never offering me a bad comment when in reality i deserve to get the living shit slapped out of me. I know that we both understand that if the world were even just a bit slightly different, We would be together :'( I know fully that you love me less than I love you. And you know fully that I may have my flaws, my mistakes, my bad qualities, but one thing I don't suck at is loving you, and keeping that smile on your face. I can still remember all of our conversations, about nung finals ng san miguel at ginebra 2010. At yung mga ride sa LRT2 na hindi natin alam sabay na pala tayo sa iisang tren. Kung nakasalubong kita habang naglilive in ako sa Espana at ikaw e nag aaral sa Mendiola. Kung naisipan mo lang magcall center bago mangyare ang lahat at minalas kang makatrabaho ako ng dalaga ka. Kung nagkasabay sana tayo sa CVG nun. Lahat ng if only at what if natin, pagsama samahin na Kung nagkita lang tayo at any of those times, sana hindi ako iyak tawa ngayon. If there was any real time that I could put my kalandian to good use, bakit hindi pa nun!? Bakit hindi kita nakita, nakabangga, nahanap??!? It doesn't make sense, and it hurts.
Kaso yun na yon, dadating ang araw na hanggang kahapon nalang talaga ang 'tayo'. E ito ang gusto mo, anong magagawa ko? Kahit ipilit ko pang gawin lahat ng kaya at dapat kong gawin sa mundo, kung hindi mo naman tatanggapin e wala ding mangyayare. Taniman ko pa ng puno ng saging ang buong kahabaan ng EDSA, kung sa isang salita mo naman e balewala rin. Anung saysay? Araw araw namumunga lang lalo ang ampalaya dahil konting kibot lang e nawawala kana. Mas kilala moko kesa sa kahit sino, sa 24 weeks na namalagi ka sa buhay ko. Ilang beses mo nang sinabi sakin na we have to face reality, that you have your life and I have mine, that nothing I do will make you change your mind. Masakit din, tao lang naman kase ako. Dadating at dadating din sa puntong babagyuhin ang plantasyon at mamamatay lahat ng puso ng saging. At balang araw, sana madamay narin pati lahat ng ampalaya. Malaya kana mula sa ampalaya. Kagustuhan mo ang masusunod. Alam naman nating hindi mo pako nakikilala nakatakda na lahat ng to. Habang palapit ng palapit yung mga araw nararanasan na natin yung mga pagtatalo at away na tipong hindi naman sana mangyayare kung hindi tayo parehas nag iisip na mawawala na tayo sa isa't isa, ika mo nga e perhaps for good.
For these last ten days I tried, in vain. I fought though I wasn't supposed to, I was desperate. I am. Gusto kong daigin si Adam Sandler sa 50 first dates, maybe I can keep you falling everyday until you finally stay. But I failed miserably . In the process nag away pa tayo kasi ang selfish ko... Totoo namang hindi lang naman ako ang iiwan mo't andami mo pang kailangang askisauhin. So for me to think that I will have all your time and that I have the right and audacity to start planning things without taking your schedule into consideration... Well, it was stupid of me. I'm really sorry. I've typed thousands of words into this noted and deleted them and typed more in their place for the past ten days because you were always complaining about not being able to take my letters and my poems with you kase naka save sa outlook natin sa office. If I'm not able to copy them on paper, I hope this will do. I know how hard it has been for you. As it is, loving me isn't easy. Para pa tayong na handicap match laban sa benteng wrestlers. It was us against the world... Lately, it's been me against you, because I refuse to accept reality that I must lose you for balance and order to be restored to both our lives. You've returned me to the boy from high school, down to the good habits and the bad. You gave me that feeling of invincibility whenever I saw your smile, and the crushing loneliness once it fades. Di ko maintindihan kung bakit walang wala ako sa ayos at control pag di tayo ok. It's something I've only felt again recently, something I haven't felt for years. I pride myself on the kind of composure I've developed since then, the kind of intensity I could control. That all faded with you. My emotions always get the best of me when it comes to you. I'm sorry if these weren't the last remaining days you had in mind. I guess I was hell bent on making sure everything was memorable because I'm so afraid that you'd forget me once you began your new life.
These past several days I've felt just how far you were willing to take risks to be with me, and that is greatly appreciated. I've felt what it's like to hold you sleeping in my arms and for you to be the first thing I see when I wake up. What it's like to fight with you, make up... (kahit na galit kapa sakin ngayon) what it's like to be the one who eats with you, kase ang arte mo, ako talaga kakain lahat ng taba? Yung totoo!?... Everything. It was like I was living a dream, and of course as we drew closer to the end, natakot nako. I couldn't wake up and snap out from the dream, I didn't and don't want to. Although I know we have to. But I continue to live my life with a shelf in my heart left for memories with you and the life we've left yet unlived. You are not the first woman I've loved, nor the last, nor the one I'm supposed to... But that won't stop me from doing so. You've stolen a large part of the Natsu that once dreamed of a happily ever after, and therefore I'll have to keep fire burning that someday it will happen, so matter who we're with, what happens to us, or wherever we may be.
Like I've said, no need to worry about me. Nagbitaw ako ng salita na kaya ko na iwan moko, kaya umasa kang kahit hindi e gagawin ko parin until kayanin ko nga :) Always remember the words I've whispered to your ear before you went to sleep before- live free, live happy, and with no regrets. Smile knowing that I always keep you in my thoughs and in a corner of my heart, one that is ipis free and waterproof. We will have our day, it's just not right now. Follow what fate you chose, and I'll go where my roads take me. Someday our paths will cross again and I can only hope that you'd be able to look me in the eye, smile and assure me that you're happy, always have been, and always will be. That will be enough for me.
Say goodnight, our first goodbye
I've only got forever and forever is fine
We'll stop the clock together
And know that the timing was right
Eto yung tinugtog ko para sayo that night :)
This is what I feel now. Be it the same or not ten years from now or five, may I be breathing or not, I know now with both unsound yet completely united mind and heart that what I feel is true.
Dumating man ang araw na hindi handa ang ‘Bukas’ para sayo. Isasama kita pabalik sa ‘kahapon’. Kung saan tayo nagkakilala. Kung saan tayo nagtago. Kung saan mapapangiti ka nalang at maaalalang minsan may Natsu na dumaan sa buhay mo. Sapat na sa akin ang ‘Kahapon’.
Dahil nakasama kita doon. :')
Nataniele Patrick A. Fernandez III
vendor AntiHero, Teletech
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