Deep in Thought

Deep down you know, like everyone does. Un-wanting and unwilling to except the truth. Well it's not real and if it is, have fun with your proof. It's just belief, heartbreak, darkness, and the happiness which is purely conjecture and illusion that we couldn't live without. Because in the end, our fate is the same.

[poems-and-word]

Poems & Words

[cruvcio]

         that’s who we really are.

[nanaluv2001]

“Don’t trust what you see, even salt looks like sugar.”

— @drugfeel (via Twitter) imthegirlwhocriedcrystals (via imthegirlwhocriedcrystals)

[gigalomaniacgb]

“I am hopelessly in love with a memory. An echo from another time, another place.”

— Michael Faudet, Dirty Pretty Things (via larmoyante)

[boyloser]

[drunkpalebitch]

Instagram- @da.rk

[poems-and-word]

[withering-and-wilting]

[oh-lovely-depressionn]

[thisistherealmekitty]

I feel I have probably done this before or you’ve at least seen it, but it so encompasses most of my feelings and thoughts. 

[escapewithmeforeverbabe]

[i-need-to-be-fixed]

[thisistherealmekitty]

So my therapist, who I love (this isn’t something against her), keeps telling me not to beat myself up about things or be too harsh with myself. She tells me this every session recently because I’ve been beyond disappointed and ashamed with myself and my actions lately. She tells me that it is ok and that I am not who I make myself out to be. She offers me re-assurance and care which is beyond helpful, for an hour or so after she leaves at least. However, when she isn’t there I can’t not beat myself up. It isn’t that easy. I know why she’s saying it and she doesn’t say it like most people do. She knows it isn’t easy, but I almost wish she would tell me it was ok to beat myself up (emotionally) and be mad at myself instead. I get why she can’t/doesn’t though. It would make me feel better about doing it, but would never make me stop. 

Next time someone tells you to not beat yourself up or be too harsh with yourself or whatever it is they say that is similar, if they think it’s something so easy, don’t listen if you don’t want and try to remember that they don’t get it. If they do know though, if they say it without criticism and to re-assure, to help show you that you are worth more than what you are doing to yourself, try to begrudgingly accept or at least not get too mad about it because they’re truly just trying to help.

[fighting-innerdemons]

[thisistherealmekitty]

More and more I just wonder if I’d be better off dead. I don’t want to live. I hate everything about myself, my actions, everything. And I can’t seem to change it and the people around me don’t understand. It should be good, they don’t get it because they care and can’t see me like that, can’t see me how I see myself, but it doesn’t change how I feel. I keep trying. I’m trying so hard, but no matter what I do I feel like I keep getting closer to the edge and I just want it all to stop.

[quotemadness]

“No, I’m not ok. But I haven’t been ok since I was 11, maybe 12. I am still here though. I’m still breathing. For me, sometimes, that will have to be enough.”

— Clementine von Radics

[thisistherealmekitty]

I think this is one of the truest quotes related to my situation I’ve ever seen.

[books-n-quotes]

“Hell is empty and all the devils are here.”

— William Shakespeare, The Tempest

[thisistherealmekitty]

My life and myself makes me sad. Some part aren’t too bad. I like school and I’m currently in London which is cool. But my roommates are awful and make me not want to be home so I go out and spend money and eat food and sweets and cake. Since January I’ve gained back all the weight I had lost + some more after coming to college. I look awful. I feel awful about myself. I’m depressed and sad and alone and I hate it. And this should be a really fun time in my life. I just wish I could start losing again. I felt better before, not a lot but a little. It’s just how things are right now I don’t know what to do.

[thisistherealmekitty]

Update: my relationship lasted like two months and I figured out very quickly we weren’t a great fit. I think I was more excited about being in a relationship than who I was in it with. We didn’t match up right and I have a weird personality that though he seemed fine with, just didn’t mesh in the relationship sense. What I wanted in a relationship and how it should go we’re very different.

Also I quite the job I had shortly after because the place wasn’t the right fit for me as well and I decided I wanted to spend more time with my family for the summer before I leave. Other reasons made it more practical as well. One of which being that I was and am more depressed and now fat and unhealthy again, which doesn’t help my energy, depression, anxiety, or confidence.

I’m as bad as I was before I even got help. I hate myself and my life and I can’t seem to pick myself back up. I’m back to the cycle of trying, failing after less than a day, and making myself worse. It’s like zero steps forward, one hundred back, multiple times a day.