zosmas

the answer must lie in the attempt?

[soldasifir]

[thisobsidianheart]

shit. solid 100

[weltenwellen]

Edna St. Vincent Millay, Collected Poems

[thisobsidianheart]

letter to M.

yk my birthday is approaching and it's funny because it would be like every other year. with you not wishing me. it's nice to know that some things didn't change. I don't really miss you, missing sounds like an active task that I'd have to indulge in - one I'm not sure how I would handle. I don't think I have grieved you even, don't even think I have to. I adjusted to your absence while you were present. this some feels like a protracted time that you're taking for your own self. also this is not a relapse. but I did break down few days back just because a lot has happened and I wanted my friend back. I don't trust anyone at all. I'm always on my toes. i don't think I could be intellectually comfortable with anyone else. I don't have anyone to randomly text in the middle of the night with my lame theories and questions. I don't want to adult up. people do not get my jokes. also I cut my hair, they're short now. i feel very new. v odd and true how cutting your own hair is like a catharsis. I don't think you'd even recognize me. heck! I don't recognize myself. I don't sit with myself, maybe it's all the self-centered hate coming back. so I step out. I am very different. I can't tell but you could, yk. I talk different. I don't walk diffidently. I walk as if I'm a goddess. lol I'm not afraid of being seen. I don't mind people knowing I feel shit. I'm least bothered about what others think of me. I continue being me. I have started taking sugar in chai, for starters. also. I think my relation with God was so intricately intertwined with my want for you. i got all I prayed for.

all my wants have ended. you shall remain my biggest loss. but in a world where everything is business, I accept this loss as a part of the system.

[thisobsidianheart]

the nature of my job doesn't permit the relaxation to see my family often. i live a 2 hr drive away from my family. i don't know where my job would take me next. all i know is this distance is easy to travel. and maybe that's why i get even more homesick. take me hundreds of kms away, i'll be fine. but knowing that i live really near always gets to me. and it's easier for my co-workers to brush it off as my being a crybaby for always wanting to go home. but hey, i'll see that when you move to a station closer to your home. you naturally want to see your family when you can afford to go every time you get a chance.

growing up, you realize living alone is not that fun. you realize how much you had taken for granted. the timely hot meals on the table, the made bed, the set table, the sitting of the family at the table, the whole experience of the happening Ramadan, the festivities.

i'm also in a sense grateful for realizing the coming of age of my parents rather sooner. having them spend some time in another country was a real eye-opener. maybe i was a better daughter then, and now i am just so caught up in all of my own worries i don't get time to take care of them. and then seeing them get frail day by day creates this guilt in me for not being there with them. and it aches me to know that they have to manage the chores by themselves. and how reckless they have become with their health. and i just want to leave everything for them, but hey did they not work harder and with even less finances and even less support for all of this?

[thisobsidianheart]

you always knew things sound better in retrospect. things become clearer. you can connect dots better when you know how it ends. the task becomes less taxing, because while you're at it there are endless possibilities. the possibility of everything working out, the possibility of compromises you'd have to make if that things ever even worked out. but when you know how it ends, you see a clearer pattern. this reminds you of the book The Black Swan in which the author asks us to write events as they occur. writing is retrospect after-all pollutes the happenings with the facts. the topic is closed now, so you can make better sense out of it. but know that you'll probably not reach a different conclusion.

[fairycosmos]

Women are so beautiful. Seriously. It feels like every woman is stunning but me who put this curse on me

omg i was just thinking the same thing today. i feel like a genuinely different species from other women :/ like they exist on a different level or plane of existence and im just completely defunct and genuinely gross in comparison. almost makes me feel feels grimy and rotten. but i mean if you absolutely force yourself to (even momentarily) look at this thru a lense of objectivity and not thru a lense of learned self hatred, how much do want to bet that if you saw yourself as some woman just walking down the street you'd find a lot of things to admire ab her. okay. and that's just based on surface level looks which we all know is like sooo far from the point and the whole story! but anyway i know that doesn't help and i completely hear you. a curse is the exact phrase for it. it feels personal and damning to have to navigate the world in this body

[riben-deactivated20230922]

Fucking. Wow im gonna die

[thegirlthatcriesacademia]

• The mortifying ordeal of being forgotten.

Danny Castillones Sillada, Those Sweet and Painful Memories // Artwork by @/zhihuie on twitter // V.E. Schwab, The Invisible Life of Addie LaRue // Halsey, Angel on Fire // Steve Salo, Forgotten Art // Halsey, Angel on Fire // Sarah Thebarge, The Invisible Girls // Mitski, Working for the Knife // Artwork by @/bekysfairy on ig // Octavio Paz, tr. by Eliot Weinberger, from The Poems of Octavio Paz; “The Prisoner”

[with-practice]

My fav thing is going home.

[shahre-rumi-blog]

گر وي خواهي بقا و پير و ز مخسب از اتش عشق دوست ميسوزد مخسب صد شب خفتي حاصل ان ديدي از بهر خدا امشب تا روز مخسب

If you want victory, eternity, Then burn in the fire of love, don’t sleep. You slept a hundred nights, what did you gain? For gods sake, tonight don’t sleep till dawn.

- Rumi

[thisobsidianheart]

buht chaha hai tumhey. apne se bharr ke. meri sab khwahishaat aik taraf aur tumhara saath aik taraf. sab داؤ pe laga sakti houn. har cheez pe bet bhi kar sakti houn. apni har khushi se bharr ke hai tumhari خوشی.

bus itna hi chaha hai tumhey. apney aap se nikal ke aur apney aap main kho کر.

ab khayal ata hai ke agar tumhey chorr doun, tou kia ye نفس ki جیت hou gi? ya meri haar?

[thisobsidianheart]

waqt waqai buht kuch sikha jata hai.

aik lamhey main aap mujood hotay hou tou doosray main bilkul la-ilm se. kis kou kia maloum hota hai zindagi kis morr pe aapkou le jarahi hoti hai. inn raastoun ki pehchaan beshtar auqaat mumkin nahin. aap guzra waqt yaad kartey hou aur dekhtay hou ke itni dour agaye? kesay hua kab hua, ye nahi pehchaan paatey.

lekin kuch aur lamhey khuda ki khaas anayat hotay hain jin kou le ke aap apni poori zindagi jaanchtey hou, apne aap se itna hum-kalam hotay hou ke apna aap aik ghair lagney lagta hai. kia waqai ye khayalat meray andar thay? hansi ajati hai, kabhi itna gehrai se poocha nahi ke kia hai jiski talaash hai, kia hai jou khuda se maangna hai. khuda ki aik anayat ye bhi rahi ke maangney ke mouqay beshumaar milay. lekin khata meri rahi hamesha. kabhi kuch nahi maanga. sochti thi ke khuda se iss aajzi dunya ke liye maangoun? kis moun se maangoun? kyun maangoun? akhrat ke liye bhi kia maangoun aur kyun maangoun? phir sochti thi aik agar ye qabooliyat ka waqt hua tou kis khwahish ya kis zaroorat kou maangoun. kis kou tarjeeh doun? sochtey sochtey bus uth jaya karti thi chunkey iss shidatt se kisi ki khwahish ya zaroorat rahi nahin. tou baat ho rahi thi khaas lamhaat ki jin ke gird ab aapki zindagi ghoomti hai. uss din ke baad se ab tak zindagi aesi hou gayi hai ke sab khud boltay hain ‘kitni badal gayi hou tum’

kia karoun? ab tou yaad bhi nahi ke main kesi thi.

[abumaryamsudani]

Mu’awiyah reported: The Messenger of Allah, peace and blessings be upon him, said:

مَنْ يُرِدْ اللَّهُ بِهِ خَيْرًا يُفَقِّهْهُ فِي الدِّينِ

If Allah intends goodness for someone, he gives him understanding of the religion.

Source: Ṣaḥīḥ al-Bukhārī 71, Grade: Muttafaqun Alayhi

[perfectquote]

“You need people in your life that are further along than you, people that are more experienced, people that are out of your league. You need to be exposed to new levels so that you can go to new levels.”

— Joel Osteen

[jannaahh-deactivated20220216]

credit unknown

[promqueendyke]

aleksandra waliszewska // yves olade // joy priest, horsepower // richard siken, wishbone

[literarymedicine]

— Erica Jong, from “Bitter Herb”, “Becoming Light: Poems New and Selected”