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Hello Tumblr, it's been a while. Why do I even have an account? I should just delete you.
Why can't I write this in a diary?
Is it because I have a glimmer of hope left that anything I write online may someday be read by anyone at all? Oh yes, absolutely.
One of my biggest nightmares is people not wanting to hear me. I dream of trying to express my emotions to people I love. And they don't want to listen.
And I'd have to see a psychologist to figure out why this terrifies the shit out of me. It might be the dreadful standard I hold. If no one receives me, I can not exist. To express and be heard, why does this feel like a meaningful life to me?
When I was young, I had very little in the way of friendships and family support. How did I cope? I don't remember. At what point did I learn to interact socially and raise the bar? At what point did I stop absorbing the world and people. When did I stop listening? And turned into this introspective, socially greedy person?
I want to be noticed when I have something to say. Is this greedy? Is it understandable?
Social media is this brilliant example of how I feel. I post something I think is very me. Or I just want to make people laugh. And nothing, not one like. Anyone out there? Preferably those I love?
Why is it, when I post something I'm excited about in the girls chat - no one replies? I just saw my last 5 messages received no comment. I don't even message a lot. No one interested at all?
How come people love to talk over top of me at a social gathering? Am I too slow at telling a story?
And then there's times where I think "No... I won't go to that party" and then it's "Where's Jo? I wanted her to be here"
But I literally do not understand. If anyone actually wants me around, why don't I feel heard? I assume the problem is obviously with me. I'm selfish, I have to be. To think that interactions have to be 'my' ideal way, for me to get any value from it.
Value? Why this? Am I a narcissist like my uncle?
Every time I put my foot down and make myself heard... it still isn't enough. I have this gut feeling I am not outwardly accepted by my loved ones. I am amusing, kind and a good friend perhaps. But truly appreciated, this I do not feel. And if it's just a broken wire in my brain, I want it fixed. I would very much like to feel heard the way I need to be.
This is where I often feel I should go silent. Not put out anything if I can't receive. To learn to function this way. Like when I was a kid. If I am not putting out anything, then only this is the reason I won't receive. Nothing to ponder, nothing further to dislike about myself. Nothing more to try.
But I don't like where that could lead. If you isolate yourself, surely you're going to become more prone to self harm and suicidal ideation. Like when I was a kid.
Though I guess you need breaks after so many fails. At times I want to take the phone off the hook. It is sometimes because I want to be found. It is still hope.
But. Every passing year. The same old patterns, over and over again.
I am starting to appreciate what hope I still have for myself. I fear the day it's all dried up.
What will happen to me then? And if the worst happened. Could have it been the right thing all along for me? Will I finally be at peace? That I know is a yes. That's for sure. Nothing is nothing and this is true peace.
Meanwhile. I want to wrap myself in my invisibility cloak. The survival skill I had as a kid. If you aren't seen, you can't get hurt. This was smart.
It is okay for me to rest from the pain.