The best scene, the truest scene
Oh, this iconic scene with its iconic speech! It’s my favorite “speaking” scene (my other favorite scene being the dance) and I’ve watched it more than I can count. Do you wanna know how deep my love for this scene is? Well, I cry everytime I watch it. Not a word of a lie! And because of my deep love for it, I thought I’d share with you how I see it. Be ready, because I’ll talk about every details!
First I wanna talk about how he walks towards her. The last thing she said to him at the regatta was to leave her alone. So he comes to the Trafalgar house to talk to her but he doesn’t know if she’ll listen to him. So he walks slowly, with his arms behind his back and he keeps his distance. That’s a really good parallel to their conversation in London when he comes upstairs and apologize. In this scene he walks the same way. He knows that she wants to be alone so he walks slowly to see if he’ll be welcome and he keeps his distance. Also here, he looks at her because he knows why he’s here. While in London, when he comes into the room, he looks down.
“If you’re looking for you brother…”
I love how Charlotte says this. She looks and sounds a little annoyed by him. First, it’s because of what happened at the regatta of course, because of their fight. Also it’s late, she probably doesn’t have the energy to argue with him at this moment of the night. Then do you remember the last two moments they had in the office together? It was in episode 3. The first time, it was when she thought she would find Tom behind the desk. She didn’t have a warm welcome from him, “The ubiquitous Miss Heywood!” And the second time, in the same episode, it was when they come to tell Tom, Charlotte’s idea about the regatta. What does Sidney shout? “TOM!” To Charlotte, everytime Sidney comes at the Trafalgar house, it is to see his brother. And I think Sidney is aware of that and that’s why he feels the urge to be specific. Very specific!
“I’m not. As a matter of fact, I was looking for you.”
We could replace “as a matter of fact” by “for once” here. “For once, I’m here for you. For once, you are the one I’m looking for. For once, you are the person I wanna speak with in this office, in this house.” Now, do you see how he looks down first but get back to look into her eyes right after he has spoken? I LOVE IT! He knows why he is here. He wants her and he is finally ready to tell her. He was looking for her. He was looking for her his whole life and she’s right here in front of him. Get your girl, Sidney!
Charlotte doesn’t really react to what he said. She hears him but she’s kinda in a little shock I would say. But then it seems like she understands what he just said, “he was looking for me. Like earlier when he went after me when Mrs. Campion was mean to me? Oh, Mrs. Campion… Wait! What he is doing here?!?”
“I thought you and Mrs. Campion would be heading back to London”
The way she straightens her shoulders with a deep breath! She’s like “wow, you almost got me with your "I was looking for you” but I won’t let you. So hear me throwing your mean ex girlfriend’s name to you! If you are here to argue, I’m ready now.“
And I love Sidney’s reaction! Do you see his little smirk? His face is screaming "A NEW ASSUMPTION, MISS HEYWOOD!” but he knows why he’s here and an argument is not the reason, so he doesn’t say anything. In fact, he loves that she said that. Having opinions and assumptions, that’s who she is (why do I have Gilbert Blythe’s voice in my head while writing these words?). Even if her being too opinionated was the main reason of their multiple fights, deep inside of him, he loves when they argue. He loves it when she confronts him and he wouldn’t change that about her for anything.
“She’s already left”
Again, I love how he looks straight into her eyes. His eyes speak for him. When he looks at her here it’s like his eyes were saying “like I said, I was looking for you. I’m here for you. Do you understand?” Charlotte is confused here and let him speak because she doesn’t know what to say. And I honestly don’t know what she could have said. He was looking for her… for a reason and now she’s wondering why.
Let’s do another parallel to their conversation in London here. Like I said, he keeps his distance in both conversations. But in London, she’s open to the conversation and once he understands it, he walks closer to her. But here, it’s not the case. She’s not really open to have a conversation with him and he feels it. So he stays where he is. He keeps his distance. About his arms behind his back, I don’t think there’s something to unsderstand here. He does it all the time. Or maybe it’s because he grabbed her arm at the Regatta and now he wants to show her that he’s only here to speak and not to argue. Maybe it’s because he’s nervous?
“I decided against joining her.”
Okay, so that’s a simple sentence. But we can see it as if he’s using her own words. “I decided against it” that’s what she said to him, when he asked her to stay in the carriage but didn’t listen to him and followed him inside the boarding house. So to me, he says it to make her understands that he finally stood up to Eliza. He did what he should have done earlier when she was mean to her. He didn’t want to go back to London so he said no to Eliza. Because Charlotte inspires him to be better. To do what he wants.
“On reflexion, I realized…”
So I’ve been thinking. Yes, he invited Eliza to Sanditon, but why? Because he wanted to be with her? Probably. I mean, she was his first love and even if she broke his heart, there’s still a part of him that’s still attracted to her, curious about her. Which is understandable. “Whatever he’s done, I cannot just cauterise my heart. I am not you.” Well, Georgiana, it seems like Sidney didn’t. So he invited Eliza to Sanditon to reconnect with her… At least that’s what he thought. We know he asked her to stay for the regatta. And that’s why they went to the Ball in London in the first place, to spread the word about the Regatta. So to me, he invited her more to please Tom than to please himself. I think the regatta was the main reason of his invitation and that’s what he realized through the day.
“I would rather be here”
He realized he would rather be in Sanditon than in London. He would rather be in this office than in a carriage. In other words, he would rather be with Charlotte than with Eliza. And once again, his eyes! Look how he looks at her! His eyes are screaming “with you”, “I would rather be here with you!” Charlotte looks totally disoriented.
“I, um…”
To me, Sidney is taking his courage here. It’s time to say what he has to say because she can’t read his mind. “How can anyone know your mind? You take pains to be unknowable.” It’s time for him to speak. It’s time for him to be knowable. He doesn’t have to be guarded anymore. Not with her.
“I’m a great deal less than perfect. You’ve made me all too aware of that.”
Not much to say here. He refers to everytime that she confronted him when she thought he was acting like an idiot. When she knew he could do better. When she expected more from him than what he was doing.
Okay, so first can we talk about Charlotte’s breathing, here? Her heartbeat is beating so fast! She’s definitely befuddled here.
“But for wathever it’s worth”
He noticed she was a bit annoyed by him when he came into the room. He knows that she doesn’t listen to him when he asks her to do something. He knows she doesn’t need his permission to do anything. So to him, there’s a chance that she won’t care about what he’s about to say.
“I believe I am my best self”
I think he’s using the word “believe” here, because he wants her to know his mind now. “Please, do not presume to know my mind, Miss Heywood!” Especially because he’s feeling his best self thanks to her. He wants to make amends. He is feeling his best self by wanting to do the right things.
“My truest self”
She has seen him angry at her. She has seen him scared of losing Georgiana. She has seen him smile and laugh. She has seen him lost and confused. He is feeling his truest self by showing her his emotions.
“When I’m with you”
To me, he answers to the questions she asked him at the Regatta. “Is that all I am to you? A source of amusement? - No, of course not, you’re…” She is the person who makes him a better man when he’s with her. That’s all she is to him. “What is it you want from me?” He wants her to always be with him to remind him who he truly is. That’s what he wants from her. “I’m no longer in any doubt as to how you regard me.” That’s how he regards her.
Charlotte is simply speechless, here. She’s in shock. What just happened?
“That is all”
The famous “that is all”. I understand why he finishes his speech like that. He’s not the type of man who opens his heart easily. It took him a lot of courage and now that he’s finished to say everything he had to say, he needs to leave. He can’t face her right away. That’s why he looks down. He doesn’t look into her eyes like he did at the beginning of the conversation. Again, a good parallel to their conservation in London, where he stares at her before he leaves. Maybe he was waiting to see if she had something to say. But here, if he stays, it would be too intimadating. Especially if she doesn’t feel the same. I think he also doesn’t want to bother her any longer. He probably wants her to process everything he has just said. And he also wants to respect the last thing she said to him at the regatta, “Please, be kind enough to leave me alone”. So he is litterally saying, “That’s all I wanted to say. Now, I’m leaving."
She’s speechless, befuddled and the way that she touches the edge of the table, I would say dizzy, even. Did the man that she loves, loves her back?
I hope it wasn’t too long and too boring to read. I could talk about this scene forever. I will probably notice something new about it the next I’ll watch it. And honestly, I have no words for Theo and Rose’s acting. They are amazing!
Also, english is not my first language so sorry if some sentences are weird or anything.
