those magical days

blogging my life away with passion and love

[thosemagicaldays-blog]

“Al… You’re What?!?!”

Yeah, I’m training to run a half marathon.

I have thought about this for months and I’ve been mentally preparing but not actually doing anything about it. I was whining to my soon to be Mother-In-Law about being alone and finding validation in myself… You know… all the deep stuff that men don’t care about and women obsess about. That talk.

She said… well why don’t you look into cooking classes, art classes or… train for a half marathon. She doesn’t even know how she hit me right between my eyes! I have thought about it & thought about it until there is nothing left to do but actually do it.

If you know me personally, I’m a flake. I start businesses, fad diets, blogs, relationships, college & pretty much anything you can start and flake out on in a matter of days… that’s me. I don’t stick to anything, not necessarily because I am quitter but I am so A.D.D. that I get distracted so easily & starting something new without a second of thought.

The main reason I haven’t started actually training is because I don’t want to flake out again. I am sick of being that girl. The one that says she’s starting something and everyone says “It’s Al, it won’t last long”. I don’t want to be her anymore, so… I’m training for a half marathon.

Mostly this blog is for me, to hold myself accountable and to push myself. They say if you know you’re “why” you’re more likely to stick with it. So… my why is this: 

I want to accomplish something. I want to stick with something till I have accomplished it. I want to pour my passion, time & energy into this. I want to commit myself to training and work for it. My why is me. My why is the fact that I want to accomplish this and make myself proud.

Short writing today but if you have something you’ve wanted to do and you’ve pushed it off… take this as your sign.

Go… Do it… Make yourself proud!

peace, love, & magic

-ae

[thosemagicaldays-blog]

Why am I a minimalist?

Before we even get started, I want to point that I am fully aware that this blog is all over the place. Honestly, I am 100% okay with it too. I use this blog to as a therapy session whenever I feel I need it, I use it as a platform to share my thoughts and opinions & I use it as a form of self care. All of the above do not include a specific aesthetic, genre or topic so if you follow along: welcome to my chaos!

Okay so back to the topic at hand…. minimalism. 

I became aware of it about 5 years ago. See, I have this problem my Grama calls “purging”. Any time I had a bad day, something stressful happened or really anything negative, I would “purge”. This may be something that is more common than I realize and if so… I’m sorry!

Since I was a kid this is how the moments would play out on any given day that I felt out of control or stressed: 

Frantically go to the garage and get TWO yard debris garbage bags.

No, the regular kitchen trash bags were not usable, definitely too small.

Stomp back to my room, slam the door & commence the purge!

Always in order, starting at one corner and working around the entire perimeter of my room until nothing was left untouched and sorted into piles. Specifically two piles, keep or ditch.

Books, clothes, shoes, underwear, bras, socks, purses, hair supplies, tooth paste, sheets, storage bins (yes, storage bins), hangers (don’t ask), pillows, furniture, decorations on the wall.

Work yourself into a panic, sweating & low key hyperventilating.

Above all, DO NOT STOP until both yard debris bags are too full to tie closed.

Immediately load them into your car and drive to your local donation spot. 

*Step 8 must be completed immediately, guaranteeing instant relief & not allowing you to change your mind!*

Follow these 8 steps if you want your mental health at a solid zero.

On a scale of 1-10 with 10 being the best, of course.

There are so many things wrong with my purging habits but honestly, I didn’t realize I had a problem(s).

Until… I lost count of how many times I had bought the SAME skirt from Target. Same meaning, exact same skirt.

I decided to seek out some therapy.

I was diagnosed with severe PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder), minor OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder) and a little depression. Today we’re going to focus on the PTSD.

What happened for me, when you go through something that causes PTSD you feel out of control. It is commonly followed by minor OCD because you try to control everything in your power. So I was purging when I felt stressed to control my immediate environment and it made me feel better. Unknowingly, avoided my mental health, completely.

I will never be able to express the relief I would feel dropping those bags off at a donation center. I was addicted and it was becoming a huge problem financially & mentally. I started sneaking the bags out of my grandparents house because my Grama would get so mad!

I swear, I have provided Goodwill inventory for years to come.

My therapist started working through issues with me and it helped. A lot. But, eventually I was referred to a PTSD specialist and that is when my life changed.

She recommend I consider living a minimalist lifestyle for my mental health. Not because “things” are bad in general, but because “things” are bad for me. Having things to purge allowed me to ignore my mental health and find relief physically resulting in everything bottling up internally.

I began researching it, intensely. Let me tell you, it scared me and intimidated me more than expected. Not because I was attached to my stuff, but I was attached to purging my stuff.

If I didn’t have stuff, what would I do when I got stressed?

What would I do if I had a bad day?

Two years later I decided to start slowly, I converted my closet to a wardrobe capsule. In short, I had about 30 pieces for each season and rotated them out accordingly.

Doing this didn’t bring satisfaction to my therapist, nor did my purging habits have any change. Really, all it did was gave me a taste of the lifestyle. My therapist insisted I gave it a try, commit to it for a year, she said. Try going all in and just go for it. Still terrified of letting go of that control, I found encouragement on Pinterest & this amazing feed on Instagram (@brownkids) that really motivated me.

I jumped in and I have never looked back.

And, guess what?! My mental health hasn’t looked back either! I’m at a solid 8-10 depending on the day.

I literally have goosebumps all over as I type this.

Minimalism is an amazing lifestyle & it has a lot of benefits for us & our planet. One day I’ll go more into what that lifestyle looks like but today is more why I choose to be a Minimalist. It has been a life changing experience for me, not having stuff to purge has forced me to look my demons in they eye & show them who is boss.

Not everyone chooses to become a minimalist because it’s their last option before being committed to a psych ward or put on medication that would permanently alter my personality. But, not everyone is as intense or dramatic as I am. Literally, nothing in my life just happens easily or calmly. Everything is a giant ordeal, broadcasted for all to see & dramatic beyond expression.

If you want to know more about my lifestyle as a minimalist or about my mental health journey: I am glad to share! I’m an open book and have embraced that I share, probably over share, and I am completely okay with it.

peace, love, &. magic, 

-ae

Note: I am not a professional of mental health, please be aware this is completely my experience. Not to be used as medical or professional advice.

[thosemagicaldays-blog]

[thosemagicaldays-blog]

Those not so magical days… 

Trigger warning for today’s post: grief.

For starters, if you have lost someone close or not so close to you, I am sorry. Not just “I’m sorry for your loss” sorry. I am deeply, empathetically, agonizingly & painfully sorry for your loss.

I am mentally not capable of going into too much detail today, but maybe one day I can heal enough to do so. I would love to share the amazing life my Poppy lived and do my best to share the many, many life lessons he taught me. 

Don’t turn the steering wheel as far as it’ll go, it wears out your steering wheel shaft.

Always check the weather before you leave the house.

Don’t EVER put something on a credit card that you don’t have cash for.

Most of your problems are right here *points to his head*, if you can fix that problem you’ll live a damn good life.

Just a few of his lessons, and if you knew him, you’d know he didn’t ever say things once. If it was something he believed, it was pounded into your head. I used to say “Poppy you’ve told me that a million times, I knowww”. Little did I know that this, sometimes irritating habit of his would be something I am so thankful for. I can hear his voice telling me all of his one liners and I hope that will last till the end of time.

Poppy and I aren’t religious so for the past three Easters the family would go to church and I’d take Poppy on a fancy date! We always had reservations at this nice restaurant up in the hills looking over the city of Portland. Poppy was a sucker for good views and a good cup of coffee. This place had what it took to please my sweet Poppy. He always had too much coffee and tipped the valet driver more than our meal cost; that was just his way. This Easter was the first one without him. 

Honestly, I forgot about it. I didn’t even realize the undone tradition of Easter brunch until my sweet Honey and I were driving to the beach.

Then, bam.

It hit me, like a bug hitting a windshield. 

We drove by a cemetery.

Tears instantly flooded my eyes, sunglasses foggy, palms sweaty.

*Note* find you a partner that knows when silence is the best answer to the situation. My lover boy just turned up the music and held my hand till we reached our destination. Upon arrival, I looked over and he just pulled me into his embrace and whispered, “I know”. I hate to brag but, serious couple goals!

Anyway, back to the sad stuff.

I got so mad at myself. Really, really mad. Mad because I forgot to be sad. Mad because I woke up Easter morning and didn’t think once about my Poppy and our tradition of Easter brunch.

Then I was mad because he isn’t here to have Easter brunch with me.

This is grief. It comes in anger, guilt, shame and every other feeling you can imagine. And whenever it wants to! Like last week I was driving home from vacation and I had to pull over because the tears decided that right now they needed to make an appearance.

I thought a lot about why I got instantly so mad at myself for not being sad. I don’t really have an answer other than, grief comes and goes as it pleases. It’s like lightning. You know it’ll strike again but you don’t know where and you don’t know when. You can’t force it when it’s expected and you can’t ignore it when it strikes.

If you are dealing with grief, I am sorry. I could recommend books or therapy to you. I could advise you to do these 10 steps to dealing with grief. But… we both know that you are the only person who knows what you need to heal. Maybe a book, maybe therapy or maybe you have a totally different path to healing. Whatever it may be for you, the best advice I have received is “remember the good times”. 

The only way through the grief, is through the grief. May you find the strength you need to heal from the darkest of heart ache.

Poppy - back to the stars, perhaps I will find you there. 

peace, love, & magic, 

-ae

[thosemagicaldays-blog]

Well... here I am... starting a blog.

I have had friends ask me to share more, because I have been known to be very raw in my writing of emotions, the ups and downs of life and even the heartbreak I have suffered. I love sharing. Why? I have wondered this myself. It’s embarrassing having to explain that while, yes, I have been posting photos of my wedding countdown, that we have broken up and the wedding is off. No, it’s not postponed, it’s cancelled. I wish I could say I’m talking about a friend or a movie reference. Unfortunately, to my dismay, this is about me. Yet, I still have this fiery passion to share my story with you. My whole story, my victories & heartbreaks, my funny and my not so funny & even the embarrassing. I find myself landing on that big question again. Why?

The best answer that I can think of is this: still I rise.

I am drawn to that statement so much so, I have it permanently inscribed on my arm.

Still I rise. 

I share because I will always rise again and I’d hate to leave out the happily ever after of my story. I can’t end it on, “the wedding is off”. I’d be a terrible writer if I left my curious readers on such a poor note. It’s as if I see my life as a novel and I am the reader on the edge of my seat waiting to see what is next. Come what may, I’ll be okay. I know that rhymes and may sound cheesy but I sure get a kick out some good ol’ cheese. The point is, no matter what happens I will come out on top because life is too short to hold me down. I never believed it until I was at my lowest of lows and rising up was my only option.

In my experience, some people will choose to remember the lows and remind you of them. They’ll stand far enough away to simply observe you, waiting for your next failure. You’ll feel their eyes on you and you’ll see the judgement in their faces. Just continue to rise baby, and soon you’ll see the judgement turn into jealousy. At that point they will have no choice but either to join you or watch you rise above so high they can’t even see you anymore. These people are not your friends, whatever they do or say has no affect on your story.

I will continue to post photos, videos, writings and blogs about my life because everyone’s life is a story worth reading. Sharing raw thoughts and emotions is, in my personal opinion, the epitome of vulnerability. And guess what?! Healing comes in the depths of vulnerability, and thriving within my healing is all I’m here for. Every day that I get to be earth side, shining my light & love is another magical day and I choose to live it as such.

peace, love, & magic, 

-ae

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