A Place For Thought

A place to put the thoughts I dare not voice aloud, for fear of judgement. A place for me to think. Somewhere only one knows me.

[thoughts-to-be-voiced]

I want to die

Please just kill me

[thoughts-to-be-voiced]

Mirrors

I used to know that person

Standing on the other side of the glass

We smiled and laughed

But now

Someone new stands there

That is not me

That is someone my mother is afraid of

That is someone I am afraid of

I no longer wish to see tat person

Make them go away

They are bad

They are scary

They make me cry

I hate them

I hate myself

[thoughts-to-be-voiced]

It's funny

Its funny how I try

Its funny how that doesn't matter

Its funny how you would've locked me away a long time ago

If only you knew

Its funny how I want you to know

But

It's also funny how I won't tell you

You see

I'm dead inside

And

I want to be like that on the outside too

But I can't tell you

Because I'm scared

Because you'd write it off

Because who would want me then

There's nothing wrong with me

I'm just fucked

Save me

[thoughts-to-be-voiced]

"Why don't you love me? Why won't anyone love me?"

- Me all day today (April 30th, 2018)

[thoughts-to-be-voiced]

We're all dying

We can't escape it

We can prolong it

We can get it over sooner

I'd prefer sooner rather than later

I'm worthless

I'm unlovable

I'm fucked up

I'm a burden

I'm too expensive

I'm a mistake

I am a coward

I am not me

I am stuck in this body

This body with problems

This body that is not mine

How did I get stuck with it

Why did I get stuck with it

Why won't they let me go

I cannot tell them

Or they will send me away

And there I will stay

Until they all forget

Why don't they understand

Why don't they have an answer

I can't keep living like this

I can't keep living

I can't

[thoughts-to-be-voiced]

Don't say that

Don't tell me how much you like me

And then tell me how much you want me

And now you just want to be friends

We didn't even get to date

And yet

Here I am

Trying not to cry

Trying to keep myself together

While you're probably going about your business like nothing ever happened

I just wanted you to love me

I just want you to love me

I wanted to give you my heart

And I started to

What did I do?

What's so wrong with me that you don't want me?

I'll

I'll fix it

I'll repress it

I'll admit I'm desperate for love

But you should know that I don't just go after anyone

I saw something in you

I see something in you

I can see a life with you

I can see a family with you

I can see myself with you

Do you need my glasses?

Why can't you see it?

[thoughts-to-be-voiced]

Gone

I just want to be gone

I hate this feeling

I'm happy one minute but then it hits me

An immense wave of sadness

"I'm sad again and I don't know why"

"You forgot your medicine yesterday"

No!

That is not going to help!

I've taken this for two years and

Yeah I'm still here

But I still want to die

Feeding me pills won't work

Won't keep me happy

I already hate it enough

I'm more creative now

You'll never know

You'll never see

Cause I'll never tell

I don't belong here

I don't belong with you

This isn't my skin

These aren't my hands

This isn't my body

I'm not who we think I am

Something happened

Something went wrong

It's making me sad

I can't go on for long

Take me away Mr. Reaper

Let me grab my blanket and let's go

I'm ready

But promise me one thing

Make sure they're okay.

[thoughts-to-be-voiced]

Kind

I'm kind because I need to be

I'm kind because I want to make others happy

I mean . . . I try to be

Sometimes I'm not so kind

But it's because of my mental stability

I smile at people so maybe it'll make a difference

Make a difference in their mood

But sometimes I don't get kind looks back

My tired heart sinks

I try and I try but I'm not good enough

I was never good enough was I?

But you don't care

None of us really do

We're human

We're selfish

It's just who we are

What we are

Try to make a difference in someone's day

Be kind. Smile. Give them a compliment. You don't know what goes on in their head or in their home. Just try.

[thoughts-to-be-voiced]

Momma

Momma why do you write me off?

Momma I need your support, your comfort

Please stop dismissing me momma

I know some of my worries aren't realistic

But momma,

Momma this one is very likely

Momma I don't know what to do anymore

I just want to be able to talk to you

Talk to you without feeling like an idiot

I'm sorry I'm like this momma

But you can't keep brushing me off

I am not dust on your shoulder

And I will not go away so easily

[thoughts-to-be-voiced]

We are like the moon and sun.

You and I are like the moon and the sun. I am the sun, sometimes aggressive and not always there for you. You are the moon, calm and cool and almost always there for me. We can usually be seen together even when it's not your time of day. When we are seen together it's a good time. You stay up so long when I can only be up for a few hours.