We’ve often heard these lines in many romantic B-movies. Heck, we’ve heard these lines in our conversations with our girl friends before. It’s the case of meeting this guy, falling madly in love with him and then one night, you realized he stopped sending you text messages. No more sweet “good morning” texts or he stopped liking the selfies you posted on your social media. You start to panic as you text him, wondering how he’s doing. A few hours later, you text your best friend and told her about the situation, still hoping he’d respond to your messages a few hours later with a lame excuse to tell.
Days pass by until they turn into weeks. You’re still hoping that one day, his name would pop out of your screen with a message full of apologies. But that day hasn’t come my friend. I suspect you won’t be hearing from him anymore.
As you can see, assholes like this guy exist. You’ve had a different version of this person before and you thought you’ve learned your lesson with him that you’re positive you won’t let it happen again. But here you are, reading this story with one person in your mind. You feel your blood boil as you recall all the promises he once made with you. “Oh, we’re going to have so many adventures together. I can’t wait!” Typical things assholes would say to make him want you more.
They’ll stop at nothing just to get what they want - your body and your heart. As soon as you start falling for them, they’ll become distant and the next thing you know, you get a “Hu u?” from him.
I’ve learned this lesson the hard way. I’m sure you did too. Maybe you’re going through this phase with another (new) asshole in your life and the feeling can be too unbearable. You’ll have to go through all those questions again:
Am I not pretty enough?
Was I not good enough in bed?
Did he found someone better?
Did he go back to his ex?
Did I do something wrong?
Why do I have to put up with this shit all over again?
But here’s what I want you to remember:
If he doesn’t call you back, e di kebs. That hijo de puta obviously doesn’t see your worth so why stress over him? Why waste your time feeling sorry for yourself when you know he’s probably looking for someone new he can take to bed? The guy’s an asshole and you, my friend, don’t deserve to be with one.
If he doesn’t call you back, e di kebs, work your ass off. You have so many deadlines to beat anyway.
If he doesn’t call you back, e di kebs, call your friends and have margaritas with them. Go out on a ladies’ night and flirt with other people to your delight.
If he doesn’t call you back, e di kebs, get fit. Make yourself feel good by achieving that hot body nobody can easily fuck with.
If he doesn’t call you back, e di kebs, just watch Narcos on Netflix. So that the next time someone tries to screw you, you can tell them “Coma mierda.”
If he doesn’t call you back, e di kebs, involve yourself in worth causes. Nothing is more attractive than a woman who is active in her advocacies.
If he doesn’t call you back, e di kebs, you just focus on yourself. No need to think about the guy who doesn’t even think about you for one second. No, don’t be weak. Don’t give in to your emotions. Never let one guy ruin your day, your week, your life. Kebs, if he doesn’t care about you, you also don’t care about him. If he doesn’t call you back, e di kebs!
And if he comes back with the lame excuse I told you earlier, tell him to eat shit! But if he doesn’t come back, e di kebs!
To gaze at city lights on your own, wishing and waiting for someone to enjoy the view with you. To miss the people you love and to yearn for people you can't have. And it hurts. Thinking about it hurts.
To wake up in an empty bedroom with a longing in your heart. To gaze outside your window and think about the people living with and loving the people around them. To feel cold in a warm bed. To think about work and nothing else. And it hurts. Thinking about it hurts.
To seek for pleasure with strangers who feel the same way that you do. Only after you leave the bed will you realize that the pleasure was fleeting. Only to realize that the bed was warm for only a few hours, but your heart feels cold and empty. And it hurts. Thinking about it hurts.
To walk on the street with the cold wind to keep you company. Watching lovers and families enjoy themselves inside restaurants you eat alone at. To reminisce of times when you’ve held someone hands for more than a moment. To be reminded of your father’s warm laugh as he shared a joke he saw on social media. And it hurts. Thinking about it hurts.
To look back at the time when you got drunk with a few close friends and feel happiness roll up inside you. To think about the moments when you shared coffee with an ex-lover when the romance was just starting. And it hurts. Thinking about it hurts.
To receive messages from someone you can’t feel a spark with yet you try no matter what to have it. Nothing is as lonely as forcing yourself to feel love for a stranger you know you don’t want in your life. Nothing is worse than settling for a few hours of pleasure with an abusive narcissist. Nothing. And it hurts. Thinking about it hurts.
To sleep alone with no one to remind you that you are loved. To cry in bed as soon as you turn off the lights. This is what lonely feels like. And it hurts. Thinking about it hurts.
But this is the price you pay for freedom. Freedom from commitments. Freedom from inhibitions. Freedom from society. To be wild. To be reckless. To be free.
And I admit I’m scared. To fall in love. To give my heart to someone, with the potential to happily spend the rest of my life with a person who could love me as much as I could him. For fear of betrayal.
I have been brave for the wrong things. But for love and for the real value of life, I have been standing outside that door, always scared to cross the line, to enter it. And it hurts. Thinking about it hurts.
I wasted so many 11:11 wishes on you. That’s what I regret now. For the days I anticipated in asking the Universe for you to happen to me, I learned the hard way that you always have to be careful with what you wish for. You see, two years ago, I wanted you - even before I met you. Does that make sense? To the hopeless romantics, it does.
To meet someone named after an intense character of a film that I can relate to. You were my 11:11 wish and two years later, you happened. In a simple description on my Tinder account, you found your way into my world and you were everything I wished for. Intensely handsome, established in your own career and with good breeding. You were my ideal guy and I was the naive kid who believed that you wanted me in your world too.
So there we were, bodies naked in the dark. All I could ever think about was why was there no spark at all? The story I’ve asked for from the Universe is finally within my reach but there was no spark at all. I felt no magic in your arms and you were just this handsome guy who was full of himself. The moment you fell asleep, I thought of leaving you. But looking at you, all I could ever think about was how beautiful you looked and how lucky I was that you’re my story. You’re my Juan Antonio story.
So I stayed. I stayed to work on that magic I was desperately anticipating in this scene, Later on, I found myself wanting to impress you. I have lied just like the many times I did in the past and I have hidden who I truly was. I made myself cold because you never made me feel interesting enough. With every story I share, all I could get was a nod and a harsh remark reminding me that you didn’t care about my world. You were plain cruel in the form of a beautiful being. If you could read this, this is me being honest with you for the first time: you are a cruel man.
You’ve made promises and you’ve made plans for us. “We’re going to do this, we’ll definitely do that.” But as I wait for those plans to turn into actions, I realized you were good at manipulating me. You made me want to do things with you. You made me want to turn myself into a different person. I found myself hating who I truly was - ambitious with a sense of adventure. Little by little, I’ve stopped making plans for myself because I wanted to be with you. I feel my heart break every time you postpone our plans and worse, forget about them.
I knew you were wrong for me. I knew I had to get away. But I can’t.
The longer I was in this story, I turned insecure. I was your dirty little secret and you could never take me out with you. Was I not good enough to be seen eating with you? Was I not good enough to walk next to you in the eyes of the public? Was I not rich enough? Was I never pretty in your eyes in the first place? I have offered you my passions, my interests and my stories - things a lot of girls you meet don’t have. Yet you dismiss me every time. You cruel man, I could never forgive you for your vanity for you have hurt mine.
You made me hate myself. You made me go back to the time when I have lost interest in my dreams, in my passions and my goals. You made me ashamed of who I was. You made me afraid to give my heart. I hate you for that. You made me feel regret for being with the friends I have loved for a very long time. You made me wish I was one of your ex-girlfriends - beautiful and successful. You treated me like shit for two months and now, this is me finally saying goodbye.
I have unfriended you because I was sick of looking at your beautiful face. I have unfollowed you because I was sick of seeing you happy in your own world while I hated mine. I have deleted your number because I was tired of waiting for you to realize that I am more than a secret.
For weeks, I have turned into a stranger in my own world. I found it hard to walk in the street with the confidence I used to have. But now that I have disappeared in your little vain world, I am trying to walk a little slower with my head held a little higher than before. I was starting to love myself again - something I haven’t done these past few months. I’ve had a bruised ego from this story but I am thankful. I finally know why you happened to me. You happened because life wanted to remind me who I am and how important it was to work with what I have. No jealousy or bitterness could make my circumstances better. So I am letting all of that go. I am letting you go.
But let me be honest with you again before I end this story. When I told you I was starting to fall for you, it’s a lie I tell to all the people I encounter. I never planned to give you my heart. I never felt any love for you. You were the worst kind and when I told you that lie, I was just kind enough to feed your ego - to make you believe that some lost kid was falling for you. I made you believe that I was just going to be that girl you can add on your list. I made you believe something you always thought you were: a “serial lady killer.” Pathetic.
Actually, I don’t care about you. If I could just reveal in this short narrative the intimate details, I would but I won’t. I’m an asshole as well but not as bad as you are. So this is me disappearing from you. You treated me like shit and I knew I deserved better than that. F*ck you!
I grew up with dreams of being on my own - to be finally able to stand on my own ground with little or no help at all from my family. While I feel grateful to have a loving home that has provided me with everything that I ever wanted and more, I knew that if I wanted to pursue my dreams, I needed to be independent.
All my life I’ve worked hard to excel in a science high school and survive in engineering school. It was never easy and the plight of a young child going to school five hours away from home is ever present. But I managed to thrive against all the struggles - and in my journey in achieving my independence, I’ve learned that I am not alone in yearning for freedom.
As soon as most of us get the college degree our parents demand from us, most of us find ourselves in situations where we have to work away from home. To be able to seek a life that would relieve us from poverty, we pursue opportunities where we have to be away from our homes - from the comfort of our helps’ cooking and the warmth of our parents’ love. Everything gets harder for us as we pay the rent, the bills that pile up and everything else without the support of our parents.
But everything gets exciting as well. Once you taste that freedom - the ability to support yourself, it gets addicting. While the struggle will always be there, you find yourself liberated from the pressures of living with people whose rules you have to follow. You get to have the freedom of doing whatever you want on a Friday night after a long day at work. You get to decide on your own when it comes to what you want to invest on. You are free to choose on whether to spend your money or set them aside for future investments.
As for the young, independent adults who have been bitten by the travel bug, you’re given the opportunities to travel on your own, to explore new places, meet new people and learn from all the stories you collected along the way. How exciting it must be to send a text to your loved ones, letting them know you are going to these wonderful places without asking for their permission. A little tight on the budget of course but you feel no guilt in spending your hard-earned money in traveling.
And for the days we find ourselves penniless, we’re taught to be resourceful. Life somehow teaches us how to survive on cheap food and commuting as we wait for the 15th and 30th days of the month. But that’s the beauty of being young and independent. We thrive no matter where life takes us. Whether we live in remote areas or in the big city, we are fine on our own. Until one day, we look back in a strange land with strangers we’ll eventually fall in love with as we contemplate how our independence has taught us how to make it on our own.
Here’s to the young, independent adults who are not afraid to live outside their comfort zones. May we meet more of them in on the road.
I wanted to quit.
I wanted to stop seeing you.
I wanted to run away and never come back.
Because every time I see you...
every time your eyes meet mine,
I know I will be writing about you again.
And words won't stop flowing.
And our worlds will intertwine
but only in my thoughts... in my own lonely thoughts.
The warmth of your smile alone can melt my lost, cold heart.
I never wanted to obsess about you
But whenever I run out of words, I seek for you...
in the most inconvenient place..
drowned by the crowd
amidst the city lights and corporate hustle
between 6 and 8 in the evening
you at the other side of the room
and I, at the little table farthest away from you.
I sit there.
I stare at you.
I wait for your smile.
And when it happens, I know there will be words again to write.
Written by Eve | Photo by Benjamin Combs via Unsplash.com
Ten months ago, I encountered you in a party with my friends. It felt lonely being in that party so once I saw you, I was completely drawn to your presence. You were with a friend so I approached both of you for a conversation only the three of us can hear. The music was deafening but I knew I wanted you that night.
I was lonely and bored. Danger and fun were written all over you. I needed you that night. I wanted you and when your friend left you alone with me, I took the chance to enjoy the night with you.
I remember being awkward with you at first. I kept thinking, “Where’s the fun that I expected from you?” I just wanted to forget about every problem I had in that moment and you were the only escape I needed that night. In a room full of strangers I didn’t give a shit about, you were my saving grace to that inferno.
But as soon as I felt comfortable with you, I can feel myself involved with you. I felt trap in your world and I loved the feeling of it. Everything was a blur. Everyone was a blur.
You and me.
In that moment.
I fell hard.
The next thing I knew, we were dancing and laughing. Everything felt so dizzy but I remember feeling so alive in that moment. My friends kept dragging me to the corner to see if I was okay. They were worried about your effect on me but I kept reassuring them that you were just what I needed that night.
You and me.
A few hours later.
It was just only me.
I remember getting tired of all the fun and nonsense that we were into. I remember sitting next to my friend exhausted. Never have I felt lonely and more scared of the consequences of our actions. All I wanted was to go home and sleep it off. I don’t remember seeing you leave but I felt your presence slowly slipping away. I felt defeated. For all the fun we had that night, it all went away immediately. You were gone and I was left alone in a couch full of drunk strangers.
So I went home with the hangover of you. I remember going home alone yet again. Just like all the previous encounters we’ve had. I was alone again after all the shenanigans.
I was alone.
It’s been ten months and truth be told, I miss you. But maybe staying away from you was the best thing I’ve ever done in my messy life.
Monday. The city was soaked in rainwater and flood. People were either running, walking or crossing from the other side of the street. I stayed inside the comfort of my personal haven - one that smells of coffee and wood fragrances - while watching the world go crazy under the heavy downpour.
I watched the world turn for hours, not feeling a single motion despite the fact that it is rotating and revolving faster than we think. There in my little lair with a warm cup of coffee in my hand and Alicia Keys' songs in my ears, I found calmness. I found peace. I found the perfect moment to 'be in the moment'.
Papers filed on my desk. Emails awaiting my response. Drafts waiting to be completed. Table messed up with books that I long closed. Laptop playing the same screensaver over and over again. They would have only moved when I did. But no, I left them where they were. I wanted everything to be still. Then, there was stillness in my own safe abode no matter how drenched the sidewalks outside were.
If people only realize that the storm outside couldn't get in if they won't let it. As much as possible, they should invest in the most reliable materials for the roof, walls, floors, doors and windows. If they have some bucks to spare, a good gutter would be perfect too. Just don't let the storm drown everything you have, everything you've worked hard for, everything that was left. It is your duty to protect yourself. It is your duty to not get yourself drowned by the water.
Stay still. Enjoy your coffee. Even if it's raining outside. No, even if it's stormy outside.
That’s how long it took me to fall hard and have my heart broken.
30 days.
It was crazy. You were crazy and spontaneous and romantic and scary and everything in between. You were something I didn’t expect to come into my life. The stars may have been to blame for what happened or we could have just been two lonely strangers looking for love.
Everything started out great. We were exciting and I loved you with every beat of my heart. However, you left and suddenly, a different kind of chest pain started to bother me. Judging by the last message you sent, you’re never coming back. Part of me wanted you to fight for what we had but maybe, we really didn’t have anything to begin with.
Chest pains. I suffer from them in every moment you cross my mind. I would wake up in the middle of the night crying, missing you. When you left, I slept on the floor, scared to smell your scent on the bed we once slept in every night. My heart aches for you. But maybe, you’re just another lesson learned.
When you asked me to give up on you, I could feel my body trembling. You told me you needed to move forward alone. You needed me to let you go. Right now, I want to. Letting you go will never be easy. Giving up on you means I will have to see you dating someone else while I nurse my broken heart. You don’t want me anymore and while it hurts to acknowledge that, I will.
So this is me finally letting you go.
30 days.
That’s how short it took me to fall hard and realize that you can never get what you want all the time. I fought hard for you even when you already gave up on me. Maybe it’s time I give myself the time and space I need to get over you. So, I’m letting you go now. I’m letting go.
“Dad, I’ll be okay. We’ll take care of mom. You can rest now. I love you.”
When he was still alive.
We always went out for coffee several times when you were still healthy and there was always this silence between us as we struggle to find the right things to talk about. Drinking my coffee now, I regret not asking you what made your heart beat, who your first heartbreak was and what made your heart cold. For someone so serious and cautious, how were you able to raise me - so reckless and always chasing after the wrong things?
I can no longer talk to you about my life now. Cancer has fully taken over your body but how I wish you knew that you were the first one to teach me how to dream. I owe everything to you, dad. I’m sorry for yelling at you one Sunday morning, for pointing out things that truly hurt. I’m sorry for always being a disappointment and for never really telling you that I love you.
But I do. You’re my hero. You always were. You’ll always be.
The words were simple on his deathbed.
Dad, I’ll be okay. We’ll take care of mom. You can rest now. I love you.
Goodbye dad.
Couldn't find the inspiration to write. Feels like a huge part of me is missing and I honestly find myself scared that I can never make you proud of me with the life I want to live. May the Universe be kind and help me find the courage, the strength and the love I had to chase after my dreams again.
On you death bed, I cried telling you that I'll be okay if you go ahead and be with the good Lord but the truth is, it's left a hole in me. I terribly miss you. It feels lonely in this house. While I know that time heals everything, here I am, afraid that I'll be alone in this fight, this process of healing, this process of self discovery, this process of liberation. But may your story of how you valiantly fought cancer til the very end serve as a reminder that this world will give us challenges but we have to fight because life is just worth fighting for. There's always beauty in it.
So here I am. I will try to write again. I will. I can. And I will find the voice I need to make a difference, something you would want me to do.
I'll miss you dad. I apologize for yelling at you one Sunday morning. I knew it broke your heart and I'll regret having done it for the rest of my life. But you will always be number one in my heart and your story will serve as my inspiration to become a better individual. I know I can make my mark here in this oh-so-big world like you did in our community. Like you told me before, "i know you will find success, you are my daughter after all”
You appeared just like a dream to me.
Woke up at 3am crying because you appeared in my dream, looking for me. I normally ignore your calls when you were still alive but this time, I made sure you’d find me. When you did, I just hugged you so tight and kept telling you that I love you so much and that I miss you terribly. You just looked happy and healthy in my dream. I miss you, tay. Not a day goes by without me thinking of you.
This week got me really crazy. Emergencies happened left and right. Meetings were endless. Personal errands and concerns never seemed to end. But here I am on a Saturday, still alive and standing.
The last few days had really been tough. As much as I wanted to keep my composure, there were just certain things that broke me down. I shared my problems to a friend and she suggested that I write down a list of HOW I can make myself happy amidst all these craziness. I’ve written down five though I tried to do more (Trust me, when you’re feeling gloomy and tired, making a list isn’t the first thing to pop in your mind). And so far, I feel a little better than how I started the week.
Let me share my my brief be-happy guide here for those of you who are exhausted, pained or just feeling empty.
1. Self-reflection
This is definitely the first thing I did this week to take the stress of my head. I tried assessing my situation and wrote down everything that stressed me. One by one, I acknowledged them and how I reacted on these ‘undesired stimuli’. Beside them, I wrote down the possible (and probable) solutions. That was me saying “Hey problems, someday you will all be solved. For now, eat my dust!”
2. Goodbye Guilt
No matter how careful we are in handling our daily tasks, sometimes we couldn’t just avoid mistakes. It happened to me this week - I mistakenly sent an important email to a whole bunch of people! That was a terrible ‘Oops’ moment considering that it was meant to be a confidential message for just a few members of that online organization.
Whenever you feel like you’ve done something wrong, own up to it. The sooner you acknowledge the mistake and apologize to the people involved, the faster you’ll get the problem sorted out. Don’t let it be an additional burden in your thoughts. There’s no point in blaming yourself over and over again for something that could have been solved or you don’t have control over.
3. Giving Pleasure A Chance
If you feel like stress-eating today and you’re just waiting a ‘Go Ahead’ sign, then THIS IS YOUR SIGN. Go ahead. Give in to pleasure every once in awhile. You may be on strict diet or a body bootcamp program, but just give yourself a chance to cheat on them. After a long week of work-related stress, you deserve something good even if that breaks all the rules you’ve set.
And besides, I’m not only talking about food as a source of pleasure. You can go watch a movie or spend the entire day in your bed just reading a good book while sipping a warm cup of coffee.
4. Dance Like Crazy
Seriously. Dance... like... crazy!!! Put on the beat like Justin Bieber’s ‘Sorry’ or Dawin’s ‘Dessert’ and release the happy hormones. For 10 - 30 minutes, forget about taxes, bills, government dues, a ranting relative or your strict boss, and just dance!
5. Write Down A Happy List
Aside from this list, I’ve also written down a happy list for this month. It’s sort of a bucket list but for a shorter period of time.
Write down what makes you smile. It may be big or small - but regardless of how much money, time or effort they will need, just write them down. The challenge is - During the tough times, pull out your list and do one small thing that makes you happy or can lift up your mood. And for the bigger dreams - go for them when you have the right resources you need!
Hope you’ll have a weekend full of happy thoughts xx
The year was 2008. It was my cousin's wedding when my boyfriend and I were caught in a hot (boiling lava-kind) seat. My relatives had already been asking for a wedding date as if a wedding is that easy to plan and organize. I can't blame them if they thought that me tying the knot is just around the corner. My boyfriend and I were then going 6 years in the relationship but we haven't actually thought of settling and having our own family yet.
My aunt approached me and asked "So, when will be the wedding? Don't you want to have kids? Just imagine having a tiny version of you!". Wow! That escalated quickly and it hit me hard - I haven't imagined myself as a mom yet. I dismissed the idea a lot of times before because I was too in love with my career and too smitten by my businesses, that I hadn't really thought of having my own kids.
Don't get me wrong - I love kids and I love playing with them. But me? Having my own little humans to take care of? The idea never occurred to me even though I'm pretty sure that my boyfriend was already dropping hints about having kids. He may not have said it straight but his attachment to his younger cousins were already enough proof. There was a time when he brought a toddler in our date and his eyes sparkled like never before.
For a couple of weeks after my cousin’s wedding, I had that terrible dilemma in my mind. Should I really go with society's standard that "I am a woman. Therefore, I shall be a mother."? If I decided not to bear a child now, would that make me less of a woman? Would that be a reason for my boyfriend to leave me? Does entering a man-woman relationship imply that we eventually need to have kids soon? I had so many questions in my mind then - questions that made me feel bad about myself. What made my situation even more terrible is the fact that I don't have any answers for them.
I was afraid to tell my partner about that... and even more afraid what my mom (who loves to have another set of grandchildren through me) would think about it.
A couple of days later, I finally broke free from that whole dilemma:
One Friday night, Jacob (my boyfriend) and I dined in one of the finest restaurants in the city. There was a family opposite our table. The dad told a joke and they all started laughing. The little one snorted so loud that she caught everyone’s attention in the hall. Her mom kissed her and sealed their glances with a smile. My boyfriend immediately pinched me and whispered, "Soon, we're going to have really cute babies too."
GASP! *Crying out for help*
Then just like that, I suddenly lost poise and blurted out how I felt about having kids. It was like my chest is going to explode. I lost control over what I was saying and my emotions flowed non-stop.
“What if I don’t want to have kids? What if I don’t want to start a family yet? What if... What if I don’t want to move forward with getting married yet?”
There was a shock on my boyfriend's face.
"I'm so sorry. I should have told you about this earlier. Look, I'm not going to force you into this relationship if you already want to have kids and..."
I couldn't even continue without breaking down.
He just stared and sat silently in front of me.
It was absolutely embarrassing as I waited for him to say a word. But then I tried to assess the situation, finally got myself together and understood what was going on between the two of us. For someone who was so fond of having kids in the future, he must have been taken by surprise to hear those words from his partner of six solid years.
When he was about to say something, my heart beat faster. I thought he was going to hate me for what I've said and for keeping my thoughts from him. But...
"That's OK! We have a lifetime to figure out if we really want to have kids anyway". Then he smiled and hugged me. "I don't want you to think that you're alone in this. You should have told me earlier. So sorry for putting too much pressure on you."
And there in his arms, I felt so relieved... loved... and accepted.
I asked him again "Are you sure?"
"Yes. And I am willing to wait until you're ready."
"But what if that time won't come at all?"
"Then we will be a family of two."
I couldn't forget those exact words that night because they freed me not just as a woman, but also as a human being afraid that no one could have understood me.
That conversation changed a part of me. It made me feel like I wanted to give back to that love. It changed me to thinking that yes, maybe I can really be a mother WHEN I'm ready. He made me realize that it doesn't have to be anytime soon. And even if I close my doors to parenthood, he would still be there for me as my family. All I knew that day was that I wasn't ready to carry a child in my tummy yet and I don't want to raise the child half-heartedly. I didn't give in to the idea but it somehow opened my heart into being a mom someday because I knew then, that someone loves me enough to respect my choices.
---
For those women who have the same dilemma as I did, I want to hug you really tight right now and tell you that it's OK to not rush motherhood or not pursue it at all. Our wombs are gifts to humanity but that doesn't mean that you are already obliged to produce an offspring because you have one. It is your womb, it is your life therefore, it is your choice. Other people practice the tradition of continuing the bloodline, but that doesn't mean that you should too. The choice of being a mother - when, where, how, why - or not being one, is always in your hands. Though by doing so you may encounter resistance from society, it will never make you less of a woman.
There will be criticisms, but it's more important to not make a decision that you might regret.
There will be people who will talk about you, let them talk.
There will be people who will pressure you, don't let them crush your soul.
There will be people who will tell you that you're wrong, pray for them and for your situation.
---
Eight years after that night in the restaurant, we are now blessed with a pretty little girl. She has my eyes and her dad's smile. She's an angel that I wake up to every morning. I was wrong that having a child would stop me from being a successful career woman. When Justine was born, it was as if nothing else mattered in this world but our little family. I would even be willing to leave the career I thought would define me, for these people who warm my heart every single day. For the first time in my life, I have something to fight for, someone to live for.
I pursued motherhood at the age of 30. Despite the numerous criticisms I received even from doctors who told me that I might have a problem giving birth by the age of 30+, my then-boyfriend now-husband took the patience to wait for me to be ready and helped me prepare to be in my best health for the pregnancy. And I bet, it's all worth the wait.
Maybe if I didn't open up that day, my choices could have been a lot more different. It could be better or worse. But I thank God for that fateful day because every word I said and every emotion I felt then, led me to this wonderful moment with Justine in our cozy little home.
She will always be worth the wait. And I am happy to love her with all my heart.
No reservations. No restraints. Just love and my little Justine.
The author chose to remain anonymous and names had been changed for this post. Although they are proud parents to a beautiful baby girl, the topic is sensitive and the author wishes to hide her name for privacy matters.
This is how I always lose myself and this is how you will always find me.
It's almost two am and I feel alive. What a liberating thought it is that at 24 years old, I have lived so many lives made for the stories. And god, to have people pull me down for claiming that I am too wild for this world, it touches my heart that I have an amazing support group that encourages me to be who I am - bold, brave and beautiful. As I look at this empty page in front of me, my thoughts overwhelm me knowing that I am living my life. The tears, the blood, the excruciating pain of feeling too much are nothing compared to the joy of knowing that I am living here to tell the tale.
So often do I find myself lost in this big world full of lies, deceit and misery. I’ve been lost in destructive loves and I have found myself thriving in my passion to pursue what is real and what is good. I have lost myself in people who ended up hurting me, shattering my heart into million pieces yet I found myself months later falling in love with the next stranger I meet. I have lost myself so many times but for every sadness and loneliness I had to deal on my own, I found myself surviving and loving those who really matter. I’ve lost myself in a big bad beautiful world and I intend to find stories in every step that I take in my journey.
And this is how i see the world - beautiful and raw and inexhaustible. It's a blessing and a curse to always see the good and the beautiful in everything. It rips my heart open but like a drug, it leaves me longing to feel the beauty of it all again and again. Maybe this is why I want to see the whole world and write.
This is my life now. I’m living. I’m breathing. I’m writing. I’m giving my heart to the whole world, hoping that the love I give comes back to me in any way it can. Although I may not earn that much in my career and I have a mother who constantly worries about my welfare (and objects to having an unstable career), I do love what I'm doing.
I've got languages to learn, people to interview, stories to write and a world to explore. Animals to feed as well. Very far from achieving my goals but I have the patience and the determination to make a difference. May the universe conspire to help me achieve them.
This is how I always lose myself and this is how you will find me.
Six years ago, you asked me out on a date and it turned out to be just one of your games.
I was naive back then and I thought it was something else. We didn’t talk for two years after that date. I really hated you at that time. Thought you were the biggest jerk in the world and like the asshole that you were, you didn’t care. I cut you off my life and neither of us saw each other for a very long time.
Surprisingly, we found each other again when we were in a point in our lives when we want ed to start fresh again. Chemical engineering clearly wasn’t for us so we shifted into a new course. Even up to now, I still tell people that I only shifted because you did. Even though that’s really not true, I am thankful I did.
Four years since that awkward meeting in the halls of our new department, here we are now - closer than ever. You’re the first person to know what trouble I’ve gotten myself into and I know the things you’ve put up with in your life. You’re the person I run to when the world seems too unbearable for me and for every heartbreak I experience, you are always there to remind me that I will always find someone new to love. For every dream we try to chase, we can always count on each other to be the positive forces we need to pursue them.
You may run off to one country to another but you manage to come home to tell me all about your adventures. I may fall in love with one stranger to another but you are the person I’ll constantly care about. You are my constant. You are my soulmate. You are my best friend.
And I’ll always choose you. In a world where we are often criticized for our unconventional actions, I choose you to be the one person I’m always thankful to have. No matter where we go, no matter how far the distance between us is, I will always choose to let you be the first person I talk to whenever something good or terrible happens. Hopefully, you’d still choose me as your best friend even if you’ll be at the other side of the world soon.
I used to believe that we only have one love of our lives and that person comes in the form of romantic, passionate love. Meeting you made me change that outlook now. You are the platonic love of my life. We may never do all the things lovers do but I love you with all my heart. We’ve proven to everyone that despite our awkward past, we became the two crazy partners in life with a solid friendship most people would envy. Lovers may come and go, but I can always count on you to accept my quirkiness. You can always count on me to build you up when the world tears you down.
“No matter where you are or what you're doing, or who you're with, I will always
honestly, truly, completely love you. Like a sister loves a brother and a friend loves a friend. I'll always stand guard over your dreams. No matter how weird or twisted they get.”
I got my closure with a lot of things, a lot of people. It was so hard to admit to myself that sometimes, ‘not having a closure is the closure’. Maybe I was too ambitious to go for things that I knew since the start, would never be mine - even friendships, even things, even dreams.
Stripped of sugar and spice, I am left with the reality that I can’t have everything in life. That’s a good thing though because if life gave me everything I wanted, I may not get what I truly deserve. I will drown in things and relationships that aren’t even for me.
Isn’t that crazy?
At first, having everything we want sounds like a wonderful life to live. Then I realized that if I will be given anything that I want in the instant that I’m wanting it, I won’t strive to be better. I won’t strive to be more than who I am. There’s no comfort zone to break out of.
So here’s a glass of wine to everything I didn’t get. Thank you for pointing me to what I truly deserve. Here’s to closure. Here’s to learning from failures. And here’s to future endeavors.
xoxo
Written by Eve | Photo by Annie Spratt via Unsplash.com
So my American cousin came here for a visit and just like any Filipino-American who doesn’t really have any idea of Philippine history (okay, well, he knows a little), we brought him to Intramuros.
It’s a famous tourist spot in the heart of the city.
We skipped the tours the locals gave and just decided to walk around. I’ve been here a couple of times already but only for my Italian class and running personal errands. I wasn’t able to look around the place before.
Here are some snaps I took from our four-hour tour around the place.
Passed by the Manila Cathedral and as soon as we got there, my aunt told us that anyone who gets married here end up separating later on. I wonder how true that is.
Accidentally passed by this little shop where they sell novelty items. I even saw a picture of Hailee Steinfield visiting the shop when she was in Manila a few months ago.
Took this picture in San Agustin church while someone was getting married.
Always wanted to check out The Book Project. I didn’t know they had this in Intramuros. Unfortunately, they didn’t have any book that I liked at all.
This is me pretending to look around while my aunt deliberately takes pictures of me.
This is the high ceiling from Manila Cathedral.
More from Manila Cathedral.
The view from the outside.
These are actually pretty nice to look at in real life. 3D images of what Manila was like before.
Had lunch over at Ristorante Delle Mitre where I found this little cat taking a nap outside, According to the guard, the restaurant owns this cat.
Outside the gates of Fort Santiago.
The bricks you step on outside the gates.
I wonder when I’ll have a clean lawn like this in the future.
This is a letter written by Jose Rizal. If only I could understand Spanish though.
Sculptures made by Rizal. (But of course, these are just copies)
Some of the illustrations drawn by Rizal.
Portraits of Jose Rizal. According to the tour guide, Rizal didn’t spend much on food but he usually pays a lot to have his portraits taken.
This is the garden next to the outside theater.
View from the outside.
Oh, I do like this look on my hair.
It was so sunny outside so the sun was clearly shining on me. This is my usual pose I noticed.
This guy is the reason why I’ve been wandering around for this week. Cousin went here on his own so I have to play his “guardian” for the trip.
"We're running out of time". This phrase is very common especially when a deadline is coming up. But really, do we run out of time? Or didn't we just let the time pass by just being "busy" and not productive at all?
Most families crumble down because some of the parents think that they are putting food in the table, and yet they fail to understand that they could have neglected one of the basic needs of their children - their time. There's nothing wrong with working hard to provide for your family but as you increase the quantity of your income, are you also increasing the quality of time you spend with your family? Or are you just there to literally "put food in the table"?
A lot of people in the corporate world experience health problems because they're too busy to attend to themselves. You have done most of the paperwork for the day - even went overtime for an added task that wasn't even assigned to you. But will the overtime pay be worth the lost time you could have spent for rest and for regaining your health?
Are we all really busy? Or are we just pretending to be busy? Does seeming "busy" and "tired" really increase our worth? Does that really give us the satisfaction that "we've worked hard therefore, I'm a good employee/citizen/parent/child"? Does the time you spent for hard work makes you happy of where you are at now?
Time is passing by. And it's a resource that we can no longer take back once it's gone. Have we really used our time properly enough to create the quality of life that we can say, is "worth living for"?
Friends, all of us are given the same number of hours everyday. It all boils down to how we’re spending them. Spend them wisely and you’ll realize that we have all our time in our very hands.
And no matter how deafening it was, we just sat there, perfectly content with how the world revolved around us. Expletives that came out of our mouths were always filled with laughter and wonder. You were the friend who would call me up in the middle of the night for a midnight stroll in the lonely streets. We’re all grown up now and I miss you.
There you were, sitting across the table, casually asking me personal questions. You were always curious but you also had this smile that could light up the whole room. You’re happiness was infectious and if someone gets too caught up with what you have to offer, it can be dangerous. I got caught up but the adventures I had with you were made for the books. For that, I miss you.
We’d walk around in places only we know. We’d lie in bed and watch flashing lights as it blinded our eyes to our delight. We filled the rooms we’ve been to with smokes and I just knew that being with you was destructive. But you were like the light in a lamp and I was a moth seeking for answers from your flame. I knew having you as my friend was both alarming and exciting. For that, I miss you.
You were the ‘gago’ to my ‘tanga’. I’ve seen you at your dark times but I wish you’d let me in your world as you fell further into your blackhole. You opened my world into a life filled with unforgettable stories. You let me lived a life some may perceive to happen only in books. I wish you’d let me return the favor by letting me pull you back in to this “safe” world.
Maybe you’re still in that blackhole, trapped and alone. But if by any chance you’d read this, please know that I am waiting for you to come back to me. Let me help you. Let me be part of your world - destructive it may be. I miss you and I’m sorry if I lost you.
