I Write My Feelings Down

[thoughtsandfeelingsonpages]

[thoughtsandfeelingsonpages]

Am I not enough?

I’m running,I’m walking ,I’m moving ,

There is rain, there is thunder

There are strong winds

Pushing me away

There are grey clouds and fog around me

Blinding me

But I’m moving

I trip, I fall,

I get up and move ,

Maybe in a slow pace

But I’m moving

Being more careful than before.

Why don’t you see that?

Why don’t you look at me do that ?

Why don’t you look at me gently ?

I’m trying, I fail but I’m trying ,

Why don’t you see that ?

Why don’t you say you’re proud of me ?

[thoughtsandfeelingsonpages]

Trying to get over you

It’s been two years since I fell in love with you

I thought I’d gotten over you, finally

To prove myself I played all the Cigarettes After Sex songs that I avoided playing up till now,

To prevent myself from crying,

First song was Affection

I remembered your smile, your laugh, your smell

I remembered how happy I was thinking about you

I remembered how hard I had fallen for you and how hard you made me cry

Next song was K. The lyrics were -“Stay with me I don’t want you to leave”

It pricked me, how much I loved you, how much I cherished you

But now I’m here listening to these songs, still trying to forget you.

Not up till now did I realise how hard I was trying to suppress these feelings

Not up till now did I realise I missed your face, us spending time together

Not up till now did I realise, that I never got over you.

[thoughtsandfeelingsonpages]

Faded

Six months seemed so magical to me

But now

All those memories seem to be fading away

All those laughs we shared

Seems to be a distant memory now

All those hugs and kisses

Seems to have lost its magic

All those walks we went on

All those talks we had

All those crazy plans we had

Seems to be so unreal now

All those times I mustered my courage to look at you , to be with you

Seems so absurd now

Your face

That I always remembered and smiled

Seems to have faded away from my heart

In six months

You rubbed on me in good and bad ways

But just in six days

You seem like a faint memory to me

A memory that I don’t want to remember anymore.

[thoughtsandfeelingsonpages]

What you deserve

Yeah, I do miss you

I know I see you everyday

I know I see your smile everyday

I know I can smell your cologne everyday

I know I can see you laugh and play around everyday

I know I can see you walk down those stairs everyday

With all your friends

But that’s not what I want

I want to see you look at me everyday

I want you to smile at me everyday

I want to smell your cologne on me everyday

I want to be the reason you laugh and play around

I want to stand next to you when we walk down those stairs

But like you said

“Saira, you don’t always get what you want “

And I just have to accept that.

But when I see you happy and smiling

When I see you talking to all those

Talented, beautiful and smart people

I tell myself,”Yeah, he deserves that, I can’t compete “

I know you look at me

But I know that all you can see is

A sad, lonely, dumb girl

But that’s okay you don’t deserve that.

You deserve that girl you spoke about

That talented girl who is probably pretty and smart

That girl likes you and you do too

She isn’t sad all the time

She isn’t a “attention whore”

She doesn’t need help

She isn’t troublesome

She isn’t always angry

She isn’t “high maintenance “

She isn’t a dirty minded bitch

Like me

[thoughtsandfeelingsonpages]

Dear

Dear ,

You coming into my life

Was like seeing the sun after days of storm,

Standing next to you

Was like sitting under a tree after a long, hot day

Resting my head on your shoulder

Made me feel relaxed

Just like the first sign of spring

Hugging you

Felt like a warm blanket on lonely, cold nights

Holding your hand

Felt like that small flower hanging from that tree

Looked liked a fragile grip but it wasn’t

You were more than what I deserved

I’m sorry

For showing up into your life,

But

Thank you,

For showing up into my life.

I loved spending every 11:11 with you

Because that reassured me that, this was meant to be

Even when you said we’d have many 11:11 s together

I wanted to spend each one with you

I wished we really did

When I pestered to hold your hand

You said I’d have so many chances to hold your hand

I wish we really did

When you whined about me not hugging you

I knew that there would be many chances to hug you

I wish we really did

I wanted you to listen

To all my favourite Cigarettes After Sex songs

I thought we had enough time to experience them together

I wish we really did

Thank you for walking long distances with me

I know it was tiring

Thank you for listening to me

My depressing stories, my crazy stories

I know it was annoying

Thank you for handling me

Whenever I broke down

Thank you for touching my face in the most subtle way

It really did feel so reassuring

Thank you for looking into my eyes

Even when I was too shy to look into yours

Thank you for doing all those crazy things for me

Thank you for everything and I’m sorry

I never thought I’d mess up this bad.

[thoughtsandfeelingsonpages]

The saddest part of having a crush on someone is that

You might give up your entire heart to that person

You might cherish that person with all your might

You might love that person more than yourself

You might give up all what you have just so that you can see them smile

But the sad truth is that

That person will not choose you

That person has their own liking

Their own little miss. Perfect

And you know that you will never fit into that

And you know that you can do nothing about it.

[thoughtsandfeelingsonpages]

You texted me

You texted me,

After two months,

I hated you,

Despised you,

I knew you weren’t good for me,

I knew that I cried enough for you,

I knew and I do know that I’m over you,

But

This time, you were different,

You seemed mature and all grown up,

For once it seemed like you actually cared,

For once it seemed like you actually had human emotions,

For once you replied faster,

Two months ago your presence seemed like a hug, which was reassuring

But I knew that it wasn’t real,

Now, your presence seems like a pat on my head

Which I knew was for real.

I am over you,

I have become cold hearted,

But the sudden warmth oozing out from you,

Seems to be thawing all that ice.

You were so nice,

It almost felt like a dream,

It almost felt like I would fall for you again.

[thoughtsandfeelingsonpages]

[thoughtsandfeelingsonpages]

I did

I waited for 11:11 everyday

So that I could send you a snap

And to make myself believe that this could be possible

And that it was “meant to be “

I always scrolled through my feed

To find something funny that I could send to you

I always kept my phone close to me

So that I could reply to your messages immediately

I always smiled when I heard

People using the words you did

I always loved searching for you in the crowd

I always loved telling you about my day

I loved listening to you brag about yourself

I loved seeing the human side of you

I loved seeing you

I loved listening to cigarettes after sex while texting you

But

Now you’re gone

Those feelings are gone

And now 11:11 doesn’t exist for me

The buzzing of my phone doesn’t bother me

And now I listen to cigarettes after sex just remembering

The stupid things I did for you.

[thoughtsandfeelingsonpages]

Let me know you

You aren’t a distraction for me

You are the glue to my broken pieces

You are the reason my heart feels light

You are the reason I can hold my head up high

I want to hold your face

And tell you how much I like you

And how much I cherish you

And how much I care for you

And tell you to be yourself with me

Show me your weak sides

I want to see all your sides

Let me know all of you

[thoughtsandfeelingsonpages]

I had to tell you something

When I see your text messages

I want to tell you something

I miss you

I like you

I care for you

However cold you are to me

All I see is your warmth

All I see is your affection

I know you don’t like me

And don’t care for me

But I want you to know

If you have any problems

I’m there for you always

You just have to reach out for me

And I will fight the world for you

And give you the world.

[thoughtsandfeelingsonpages]

I Listen

I listen to a song

My memories of you

Gush in

All our texts

All the times you made me smile

All our petty fights

Your lack of emotions

Your attention towards me

Your dominative words

Your stupid face

Your terrible sense of humour

Your caring behaviour

Your stupidity

All make me smile

Bring tears in my eyes

I want to forget you

But there is always something which makes my heart want to

Get closer you

[thoughtsandfeelingsonpages]

The change

My oath not to text in acronyms

Changed

After I met you.

My way of texting changed

After I met you,

My nos changed to nahs

My I don’t knows changed to idks

My patience increased

After I met you.

I understood myself a little more

After I met you.

I realised that maybe

I have a horrible taste in guys

After I met you.

I started liking love songs

After I met you.

And I learnt that

Every bad quality could be justified to be a hidden good quality,

If given a good reason,

After I met you.

[thoughtsandfeelingsonpages]

Why can’t my heart?

Why can’t my heart understand already

We were nothing

We are nothing

And

We will never be anything

We were just two strangers

Who happened to have similar interests

And similar paths

And we just happened to start a conversation

And now it has to understand that

Nothing lasts forever and

Our paths have to diverge

[thoughtsandfeelingsonpages]

What’s the point

Why do increase our streak numbers?

It’s useless either ways

There aren’t any feelings behind those pictures

Anymore

I try to make myself happy

By looking at those blank pictures

But then I always tell myself

The exact same thing you told me

When we started this terrible journey,

“What’s the point?”

[thoughtsandfeelingsonpages]

My heart

Why is my heart so sure

That I’ll feel safe in your arms

Why is my heart so sure

That my eyes will remain dry when I’m with you

Why is my heart so sure

That I’ll be devoid of problems when I will tell them to you

Why does my heart

Make me write all these things

Why does it?

We have never touched each other and yet

My heart knows the feeling

We don’t even know each other and yet

My heart makes me feel like we’ve known each other for years

We don’t have a proper name for our relationship and yet

I write all these things like we were actually in love