THOUGHTS & PHILOPHS

The author's insights on the human condition; how to maintain a creative and fulfilling life; as an avid pursuer of truth, beauty, people, knowledge, talents, and understanding God.

[thoughtsandphilophs]

Why?

Why do men and women look at bodies who are not theirs to know? Why do they perform alone to a person that’s not home? Why do we need pornography support groups at all? Why can’t porn just not be something at all? Why is sex everywhere? Why is it the thing everybody wants more of? What is the big deal? Why do we crave it so much? Why does everything have to be sexual for us? 

When do little girls no longer play outside-do cartwheels in the sun without worrying over their thighs? Why are women so sexualized? Why aren’t men in the same light? Why have we abused what you made so good. Sometimes all I can say is why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why?

Following Jesus opens up this hole. Why we parade women in sex - in bras - on poles? Does it really make men feel that good? Do we really give them something that desirable? A women’s sexuality? My sexuality? Sometimes all I can say is Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? And all this why makes me cry. 

I don’t always understand why I have intense visceral reactions to things until I express it through a poem or art. Today my church announced they were going to start a support group for men to discuss openly the temptation and addiction to pornography (I do think this goes for both genders, but it’s not there yet). I should have been happy that the conversation is finally out in the open and the word pornography isn’t being hushed and now being used in a morning announcement to the whole church. 

But instead I was angry and upset, so I made this poem/letter that expressed more of what I was feeling. 

[thoughtsandphilophs]

Sunday Feb. 4, 2018 9:30-10:50am  I am working with a life coach to guide me to create art time for myself.  We have decided that every Sunday from 9:00-10:50 will be dedicated to my art.  I am wanting to create a series of punny Valentine’s Day cards and so here is the first of more to come. 

Creating Valentine’s Day Cards was what got my started in designing. In elementary school I would create handmade Valentine’s Day cards and eventually cards designed on the computer for all my classmates. The hand made cards one year were all different kinds of pokemon.  

[thoughtsandphilophs]

Art Antibodies Attack Man I Love

I think figuring out this part of myself that I actually have art antibodies that go in defense, extract, and get rid of mode anytime their precious time of making is threatened or misunderstood gave me so much clarity in my going on 4-year relationship with the man I love. 

I wrote this about 3 years into us dating when I continued to have thoughts of breaking up or frustrations with him not “getting” my art, passion, or ideas. 

Please Enjoy me talking to myself! This post is more for me to remember the insight I came to because we humans usually go back to a negative thought process we had overcome but somehow get stuck in thinking again and again. We need those visual, verbal, written, sketched, sewn, spoken, splattered, built out reminders of what is TRUE in moments where we had a sense of clarity out of chaos. The below statement was one of those rare moments where I had clarity out of an episode of chaos.  

“Raj doesn’t need to understand nor may he ever. But Maegan does he need to understand to love you? To hold you when you are weak. To comfort you when you are down? No, he doesn’t need to understand. So Art Antibodies listen, you don't need to attack Raj. He is not against you, he is actually for you. He just doesn’t understand you all of the time. And that’s okay, you don’t even understand yourself half the time or what you're making or what the piece means and you created it!  So how can you put that kind of pressure on him? Listen again, he doesn’t need to understand to love you. He doesn’t need to understand to love you. All he needs to do is try which is what he is doing.”

[thoughtsandphilophs]

Life Reflections on Death...In process

I used to think I would live forever and that death didn’t exist for me.  The first time I experienced a death was in the sixth grade with my science teacher. She was a teacher who dressed in stylish clothes wearing her cardigan on her shoulders as if she was from Eurpose. She was bright and cheerful with an olive tone complexion and a big white smile accented by cherry lipstick. Her breast cancer had returned and was absent for months from class. Later, we found out she had passed and were invited to attend her funeral. We were asked as her students if we would like to say a few words about our teacher. I don’t know how I had the courage to speak, but I got up to say a few words about how she was a teacher with a great sense of fashion, a beautiful smile, and how much she taught us with a knowledge that grew our minds. 

I remember looking into her daughter's eyes and thinking how is she joyful how is she smiling. How does she feel to know her mother is gone? She looked composed and joyful at only the age of 11 years old. I thought about my teacher often and the funeral. How her pictures appeared on the screen showing her legacy of life and love. It was in the pictures I began to cry and felt that sense of loss and the question. What if I lost my mom? How could that even happen to me? I remember holding onto her program for a few years and her angelic smile frozen in time staring back. 

This is not all that there is to life. There is so much more than just this time we have on Earth. If that was all there was this would be the worst story ever told especially for those who died in tragic horrific ways. How could you tell them and their family that ending? This is all you were worth. Glazed over eyes, bleeding gums, incoherent moaning, no movement, just breathing. How could you tell someone that was their end? It is cruel and ruthless.  

If life is but a breath why aren’t we living like it? Why am I not living like it? Why am I spending countless hours waiting for things to happen? Sitting in my stresses and dwelling in my mishaps? 

How could you tell someone that ending? I’m so glad I believe in a better story where we are all made new again and can rejoice in heaven with all our loved ones fully healed and restored. 

[thoughtsandphilophs]

Practice

I’m going to finally start writing everyday. Doesn’t matter how crappy it is. It’s just for me and to help me improve. I’m going to make mistakes right? The artist who doesn’t make mistakes, usually makes nothing at all and I am tired of living in that world of my own. 

I have this pain in my chest that erupts in my breast.  It swells over me like nothing I can even express.  It’s as if it was sawed off and sewn back on. Where does it come from I ask? Why does it come out to play?  It’s like a lemon squeezer sucking the blood out of my arm and then  causing it to go numb. Where do you come from? What is your purpose?  Please give me strength to endure its surges.  Surges of hot warmth, surges of pins and needles.  Surges of twitches, and pneumonia. Sometimes I feel it’s the enemy striking me down to stop moving ahead other times I imagine it a scared little girl trapped with the monster under the bed. How does it happen? Where does it appear? I have a pain in my chest that wants me to draw near.  But draw near to what? My emotions and faith? I’m hearing a loud thunder I’m wanting to escape. 

[thoughtsandphilophs]

God Remind Me

God remind me what’s true cause all I’m thinking about is in the past -the should of, could of, I failed, I’m ruined past tense. All I am thinking about is my past failures and how I haven’t moved on. All the stewing I’ve done and the fear I’ve become.  All I’ve been enveloped in is I didn’t follow your will and now I’m worthless never to rise up and reveal.

God I could never be more sorry than I am right now. Scars revisited and cuts close to being re-opened spin round and round like a carousel. 

God I can be so foolish and reject you time and time again. Sometimes I wish you’d just let me go  I don’t deserve your love to be your friend. 

I hear you cry out, but I rarely listen. I enjoy being my own God, but get cut and bended. 

When am I going to learn to act in not my way but yours. 

I hope it’s soon because I don’t know how much longer I can take this remorse. 

I know you forgive me and always will, but there is apart of me that expects a perfect person in the reflection of that mirror. 

God help me. 

[thoughtsandphilophs]

Make your assertions. Then, research everything on that topic to see if what is out there, who backs you up, who refutes you.  TIME will tell. Don’t put yourself in a box. 

[thoughtsandphilophs]

Your Medium is Art

I began to think again today. 

My birth cycle of introspection, metaphors, word dissection, and thought started to re-form. I heard your voice call out to me in a Field of Dreams drama of, “If you make, knowledge will come.” 

Tears pored into my eyes as I absorbed the message to mean, If you make, the unknown will be seen. 

I knew God was not saying all the mysterious of the universe would be unveiled, but I heard, 

“Your turmoil, your confusion, those dates, time periods, theological concepts, cultural phenomena’s, and bible verses you’ve been wrestling with will be impressed into you like a stamp on a card, a wax seal to a letter, and you will know, if you decide to make.” 

He affirmed, “Maegan, I did not make you a lawyer, a scientist, or an engineer; I’ve made you an Artist; so go be one, am I clear? 

You’re an artist to speak out against the injustices you see, speak out through words, stories, thought, metaphor, rhyme, image, and poetry. 

I have bestowed my spirit into you by this way, why dost thou flee? Why dost thou run to another’s giftings?” 

And God concluded simply, “Why don’t you like you?” 

My reply… Remorse. I cried and couldn’t stop the downpour.

And He continued, “I have made you a poet, a poet with images and words. Why dost thou suppress, why dost though subdue? Fear, lies, and comparison don’t let them be your muse, don’t let them be your judge the ball around your foot. I have made you to sing, I have made you to express, logically metaphorically I’ve designed you at your best, in artistic making.” 

I gushed out a hidden pain I didn’t know had lingered from the childhood days of shame, abandonment, and rejection in others I’d faced. 

As I wiped the tears I tried to speak… “Oh God, my God forgive me. I’m running away trying to put on another mask I feel better conveys You because I’m embarrassed and believe I’m a mess. 

I am embarrassed of my design of how thoughts produce in my mind, please Lord help me to be freed from all this negativity, the voice of lies. God liberate my spirit, let it unleash it’s Voice, to provide hope and peace to the lost. 

And he replied, “Go my daughter, Your medium is ART.”

[thoughtsandphilophs]

True Love is Sometimes Saying No

Me: What your you thinking about? 

You: I don’t know a lot. Tons. How smart your sister is. How not once you played your home playlist. How And how badly I want to snuggle up next to you and sleep.  Me: I want to too. But we can’t do that. You got your work and I’ve got to get home.  You: We are young. We can stay up all night. That’s what a red bull is for. 

Me: (laughs) No love. I can’t. 

[thoughtsandphilophs]

Just Start

Start acting on the change, stop being so soft on yourself and make the switch. Why is it so hard to make a personality switch especially if that person is yourself. 

I’m tired of hearing criticism because I’m really wanting to feel happy with wear I’m at even though I know this is not wear I’m supposed to stay. “Ug!” How do you get past that stage? 

Help!

[thoughtsandphilophs]

Dangerous Seas

Why do we allow our minds to wander into dangerous seas? We choose to go down the water fall sometimes though we need to go down to see the beauty below. 

[thoughtsandphilophs]

THE DRIVE TO CREATE WITH ANOTHER

And that my friends is why I am scared to say “All in” because the DRIVE and relation to CREATE is a plague I’d like to RELATE to the significant other I decide to mate. I want to pursue the burden passions of our heart TOGETHER. So God while I wait to see if this match works I CAN’T STOP MAKING because my organs HURT. 

I NEEEEEED to grow something. I NEEEEEED to express the internal mechanics of the world channeling all this energy and PASSION into SOMETHING.

[thoughtsandphilophs]

A Tale of Two Battles

6/18/15

To the places I do not belong to how doth I stare out amongst the land and can no longer call your name and you won’t answer. No more shall I see your face as I greet you and find a warm embrace. For you are gone—Gone not in the wind or the shadows or leaves, but Gone absent from everything. Where doth did you obliterate your husbandship, fatherhood, friendship disintegrate. I cry out to you for help, but No physical voice answers. Gone not in the wind or the sea—gone not in the turbulent of leaves.  Dear love of mine why words freeze up to converse the heavy pressures on my heart trying, striving to rehearse what happened, where did we go, where did we end up after this black hole. I knew you really—did I really—did we really? 

I’m scared and full of so many situations to grieve through at moments in time I’m frozen, but one moment I will circulate to remind me is that it’s BROKEN—What? Yes, it’s BROKEN, the curse has been put in chains. I’m no longer the one in shackles because Christ took my PLACE. I’m forgiven you’re forgiven—we’re forgiven Love indeed. Now you can finally meet me without the haunting about. I’m excited, jittery, eager to introduce..... 

“Hi my name is Maegan—lets hang out, share a desert— 1 year abstinent can we make it Love?”

We’ve got to, there are no exceptions, no more excuses. 

We’ve seen the dark side of good—we’ve been through the plague with our bodies and I’m DONE—I want no more of that shame. I desire a healthy one and I finally feel it growing. 

Growth is inhibited when sickness is at bay when you are so desperately fighting things off growth is stunted—your body’s energy is focused to kill the virus and once the virus is gone; antibodies, balance of hormones, protein, muscles can begin to build. 

That is what my brain is doing love, finally rebuilding my NEW SELF delivered in Jesus’ name and it’s caused within me a hate for sin. 

Will you ever know or begin to understand love, yes! because you are going through it with me your brain is freeing up and can now expand process faster breathe easier. No more wrestles morning showers of last nights defeat, no more mornings plagued by horror right before you preach. 

We are HEALED and are now just scabbing up. 

The scars will soon show—but they’ll be reminders of what we’ve done— to never do again and a sign to others, Do Not Awaken Love Until It is So Desired. 

Don’t give into the sin of lustful physical yearnings, value the others presence a hand hold, soft kiss, a hug. Sensuality banish it—don’t give it anything to mug.

[thoughtsandphilophs]

Love Hate Relationship with Love

I can’t seem to decide whether I hate Love or love Love.  Why doth love cause you to loose all your senses and make you feel out of control. Ever since I met the man in my life I haven’t been able to get on the rhythm I was beginning to develop a year ago. 

But then maybe that rhythm wasn’t such a great beat - and maybe it was actually kind of off tempo and selfish. Hmmm....Just a thought?

Well now that life’s crazy has slowed down and I have had a year to adjust to this other arm webbed to mine I guess  WELCOME to Rhythm Part 2, now with Someone to drum along. 

[thoughtsandphilophs]

YAHOO DENTAL PLAN INSURANCE VIDEO 

[thoughtsandphilophs]

Beauty

"When something is touched the beauty seems to disappear."

There is an elegance and grace about a untouched place of land, person, or fresh fruit that radiates awe and mystic allure.  

{Cabo is majestic but the dirt and filth of the millions of tourists has tainted it's lore}  

[thoughtsandphilophs]

Just Look

Look at all the things man has made to make life more fun.  You'd think man could make a lot more to prevent life from bad.