[thoughtsandsmiles]

It’s true that your best days are ahead of you and it’s also true that before you know it, your worst days are behind you

[thoughtsandsmiles]

It’s been three months. The good days are definitely more in number than the bad ones. I have learnt how to be by myself. I have learnt many other things - it feels like losing us was intended for me to grow into a better version of myself. I am someone who’s smarter, more emotionally adept, more understanding, more empathetic, and more grateful. But, to be honest, I didn’t want us to be a lesson. It feels unfair to you. It feels like I caused some collateral damage in the process of becoming someone maybe I was destined to be. Finding myself shouldn’t have come at the cost of you.

I miss you so much. And as much as I understand now why it had to end and why we weren’t meant for each other, I wish we didn’t have to turn into strangers. You must hate me now. But you loved me so much and I know that, unfortunately, the love doesn’t go away easily. This is worse. I feel sadder knowing how sad you must have been (I hope you have more good days than bad days now).

I have gone through all stages of this loss. I have wondered if I’ll ever find someone. I have accepted there might be no one. I might be just 10% upset about it now.

I guess I should look at the bright side - I felt a connection so deep that it’s taking this long to get over it. It’s a privilege. And if I’m here on this planet to just experience life, I guess those Instagram reels were right - I am always winning.

[thoughtsandsmiles]

Called you my home and then deserted you. Have no one to blame but myself. Wish I had it in me to love you unconditionally.

[thoughtsandsmiles]

How do I contain it when my pain and hurt won’t stop spilling out. Please make this stop.

[thoughtsandsmiles]

I love with my whole heart. I don’t know how to let go or to stop trying or to let fate do its thing, until disrespect knocks at my door. Till then, I’ll linger near your door - hoping you’d let me in again.

[thoughtsandsmiles]

I go out. I do things alone. I feel confident. But before I know, I have tears in my eyes. I am in a cafe surrounded by people. Don't cry. How can I be sure and confident one second, and second-guess everything the next? Grief isn't linear. Healing isn't linear. I get older - that's linear. But it doesn't feel like I am getting any wiser.

[thoughtsandsmiles]

Which thoughts of the day do I trust? The morning ones - telling me I'll be okay? The afternoon ones - telling me I had to do what I had to do. The night ones - telling me I have made a mistake and I should go back?

[thoughtsandsmiles]

Choosing myself and letting go of the other person is a brave thing to do, but it’s a lonely journey from here on.

[thoughtsandsmiles]

I'll not forget how much I cried the night I realized I liked you. I spent one hour crying, and the next hour singing songs for you on my guitar. You were on the call, sleeping. I cried because I was scared. I was scared of what these feelings meant. How was I to manage them? I woke you up and said I like you too. Tonight, I am crying because I really really like you, and I never thought I could feel this way for someone. I am crying because I am happy. I am crying because there is a change in me. I am crying because I don't know how else to express what I am feeling. For the first time, I am not thinking about how much the other person likes me back. I am selfless in my feelings. Oh, how much I yearned for this day.

[weltenwellen]

Hanif Abdurraqib, They Can't Kill Us Until They Kill Us

[thoughtsandsmiles]

Sometimes I take a mental snapshot of you in a moment. Like the moment I was sitting in the passenger seat and looked over at you. I thought to myself how precious and fleeting these moments are. How grateful I am to be in this car with you.

I have also frozen the memory of our bike ride when I sat behind you and rested my head on your back. The wind blew in my hair. I knew I would not get this moment back - it was fleeting afterall.

I have memorized your face when you’re sleeping next to me. The touch of your hand resting on the curve of my waist. Sleep did not come easily to me that night. All I want is to be beside you.

I have to take these mental images in case I don’t get a second chance at these moments. If you too are clicking a mental photograph of me, what do you see?

[thoughtsandsmiles]

Sometimes I take a mental snapshot of you in a moment. Like the moment I was sitting in the passenger seat and looked over at you. I thought to myself how precious and fleeting these moments are. How grateful I am to be in this car with you.

I have also frozen the memory of our bike ride when I sat behind you and rested my head on your back. The wind blew in my hair. I knew I would not get this moment back - it was fleeting afterall.

I have memorized your face when you’re sleeping next to me. The touch of your hand resting on the curve of my waist. Sleep did not come easily to me that night. All I want is to be beside you.

I have to take these mental images in case I don’t get a second chance at these moments. If you too are clicking a mental photograph of me, what do you see?

[weltenwellen]

Joy Sullivan, “If I Had a Hundred Lives to Live”, Instructions for Traveling West

[curingourhearts]

I realized I was in love when I subconsciously had been making plans to improve my life without them. I wanted to stay alive with them, not for them but with them. Before then the future hadn't really interested me but with the care they showed for me and my future my perspective changed. Sometimes love can truly motivate you to get your shit together in fascinating ways. Even though the love faded, that doesn't mean the impact it had on me did. I'll always treasure it

[weltenwellen]

Joy Sullivan, from “Culpable”, Instructions for Traveling West

[pilgrimattinkercreek1974]

Oh ok so it turns out ive been borrowing grief from the future ! it turns out ive been preparing to lose the things i love rather than basking in the light of them while they last. Maybe i should nt do that

[stood-onthecliffside]

this is me trying by taylor swift // black swan by darren aronofsky // the bear by christopher storer // i, tonya by craig gillespie // normal people by lenny abrahamson and hettie macdonald // untitled by me // this is me trying by taylor swift // fleabag by phoebe waller-bridge // euphoria by sam levinson // eternal sunshine of the spotless mind by michel gondry // vicky cristina barcelona by woody allen // pearl by ti west // not strong enough by boygenuis // the Painter and the pianist ny lionello balestrieri // crying girl on the sofa by peder knudsen // dead poets society by peter weir // the prophecy by taylor swift // brutal by olivia rodrigo // lady bird by greta gerwig // gilmore girls by amy sherman-palladino // dreams of mickey mantle by bleachers // untitled by me // la la land by damien chazelle // little women by greta gerwig // right where you left me by taylor swift // reality bites by ben stiller // friends from college by francesca delbanco and nicholas stoller // the edge of seventeen by kelly fremon craig // i’m trying (not friends) by maisie peters // hoax by taylor swift