@thoughtsof-themind - Tumblr Blog

07•16•19

happy 8 month anniversary 😔

07•15•19

1:07 am - he didn’t come.. i thought after all that, he would have came. after i broke down. after i told him i needed him here, that he’d come and he didn’t. he fell asleep. like i knew he would. because this kind of stuff don’t bother him. he can easily go to sleep. he has work to think about tomorrow. i really thought he would have showed up at my door.. but he never did. and now i’m going to cry myself to sleep.

i am a very unhappy person. i’m not. i can honestly say that i hate my life.

still nothing has changed LOL. i keep disappointing myself. i keep telling myself to stop expecting even a little from him, yet i still do. the best fckinf part about it is that he says he’s going to do things differently. he’s going to change. but nope. same damn thing. note to self: - don’t ask him for an opinion, he’s just say “it’s up to you” or “it’s not my decision to make” - he’s never going to call - he’s never going to do things unless someone tells him to - he’s oblivious, he will never notice when something is wrong unless you send him one word messages - he won’t do anything if you don’t text him for the entire day - don’t expect him to ask to hang out - don’t expect any sort of motivation - don’t expect anything. at all. - don’t give him another “second chance”

just stop having so much expectations. stop expecting so much from him. haven't you learned by now ? he even said it himself, he's not going to open up. he's not going to do things because of what happened with her. so stop it LOL. you think he knew that you really wanted to see him and hang out ? you think he knew that you needed his help for this paper ? you really think that he was going to help at all even after he said he was going to ? you really think that he's going to pour his heart out just because you did ? stop expecting so much from him. stop thinking that he will show that he wants you around. stop thinking that he'll open up to you. stop thinking that he'll tell you some deep and romantic shit like that. who cares that he didn't offer to get you food; so what if you mentioned that you were hungry multiple times ahah. just do that shit yourself. STOP EXPECTING SO DAMN MUCH. he's not going to change, that's who he is. you can't change that and you shouldn't have to. don't expect a reaction from him. just don't. you think being quiet will get his attention ? you think the look that you are struggling will catch his eye ? the only that will, is whatever that's on his phone and basketball will. apparently his last relationship fcked him up and traumatized him so much that it's like he doesn't know how to act like a boyfriend. which is fair, so just let him be.

i was crying out for help

and you didn't hear it... i needed you.

multiple. orgasms.

good fcking night.

it’s really not that big of a deal but i actually hate getting hurt. like it bums me out and it just makes me feel shitty. it’s so stupid to even think that, but that’s it. honestly, the fact that i got hurt playing.. i don’t get fricken hurt. ugh, it’s so stupid that i’m even bothered by it. but it hurts and it makes me feel like i shouldn’t be playing. the entire time since i left the gym, all i could think of is that i shouldn’t be playing. i’m awful that’s why i got hurt to begin with. and the worst part ? i was actually trying. to play better. i was actually trying my best to do better. and to still not be able to execute, AND THEN GET HURT. like how unfortunate. it may seem like i’m fishing for compliments or i’m just making excuses, BUT WHEN I TELL PEOPLE THAT I AM SHIT. I BELIEVE THAT WITH EVERYTHING. and i hate that it’s true.

that was useless.

i went to him for help.. to help make me feel better and all it did was make me feel even shittier LOL. the worst part is now i don’t even feel like i can’t go to for shit. i don’t feel comfortable opening up and letting it all out, to just have someone say, “don’t be sad”. like, thanks, i should have done that the second i began to feel sad. i should have not thought about it and not have felt it at all. problem solved. i should have known better.. i’m so stupid. just go and cry yourself to sleep.

i’m at a low point. and i really hate myself right now. i want the pain to go away. i need it to go away.. i don’t want it. i want to cut..

get the fck over it. you two were together all day.

comparison.

the things that i often wonder about are whether the things that he and i are doing, are those that he also did with her.. i mean, obviously, after dating for what, 7 years?, i'm sure she's met his family. and i'm sure that they liked her, not because she's actually a nice person. i'm sure she's had lunches or dinners with his grandma, and i'm sure that she approved of her too. i'm sure they've done all the date ideas that he and i plan on doing. was he like that with her when it comes to sex ? did he always plan to do things with her ? ugh, like idk. i just hate the idea that the things we do and that we are doing, are what they do and that they have done. or there are things that he did with her that he doesn't want to do with me, like take pictures. idk what it is about me and wanting to take pictures with him, but i do. i want those stupid, cheesy, coupley pictures with him. but i get the impression that he doesn't like doing that. and i can't help but think that, they did those and we don't. or there are things that i'm doing that he didn't like with her. like me singing in the car, or me calling him when i'm home. like i don't like being matched up with her. because i absolutely dispise her.. i hate that i will constantly think about, have they done this together before ? was this how he treated her too ? are things that i'm doing, just different from what he's used to with her ? they were together for so long, that i'm always thinking about what he liked and didn't like with her. he said that they were constantly together, that there was a routine with them and that there were things that he didn't get a chance to do because of her. what if i'm doing the same. with wanting to facetime every night. wanting to talk and hang out all the time. wanting to call and hear his voice whenever he's driving home. being clingy about him not calling me when he gets home from practice. being annoying and texting him so much. calling him "baby" way too many times. i'm so attached that i'm terrified that i'm going to screw it up. i am way too fcking attached that all i want to do is be around him. hug him. kiss him. cuddle with him. see him. talk to him. look at me, i'm beginning to sound like an obsessive psycho. i'm going to stop before i push my anxiety passed its limit and have a freak out and just start crying.

mental breakdown.

i can’t even cry about it. i don’t have tears to cry aha. how sad. i don’t want to talk about it. i don’t want to move or leave my bed. i have no motivation. i have failed before even writing my exam. i wanna sleep, but i can’t. my mind is on a constant loop of telling myself how much of a failure i am, that i should move but i can’t. my anxiety is on a high. my depression is on a high. my motivation and self worth is on a low. i don’t even know how to get myself out of it. i don’t know how to feel better. i can’t help myself.

i hate myself.. because i will never be enough. i just keep lying to myself.

worthless.

i’m not even worth fighting for.

12:03

it's all finally setting in. every emotion comes flooding in and it feels like i got hit by a fcking truck. I AM NOT OKAY. not in the slightest. i don't want to feel any pain anymore. i really don't want to feel anymore. i can't. i can't handle it. i hate this feeling. this is really bad.. there's only one way i know how..

2:42•11.7.18

i have that feeling again.. the urge. i feel anxious. and i want to get rid of the only way i know how. i don’t know what to do.

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