Oh. @thoughtsonparade - Tumblr Blog

Alright then. Ugh.

There's smoke in my lungs And a fire in my heart. You light me up, Only you can put me out. I smell like your skin, With a deep hint of nicotine. Heartache or lung cancer, It really doesn't matter. I'm with you; all the way.

My life is changing way too fast and I don't think I can handle it. I shouldn't be crying just from sitting in my room alone, but I am. This won't even be my room anymore. New city, new bed, new people, new everything. Even this thing with my dad, it's new. I've never not talked to him for this long. He's my dad. It's killing me.

And next year, I don't want to be away from Hannah. I don't. I thought I could handle it, but maybe that belief is starting to crack. And I feel so, so, so damn guilty for picking the school I did. How could I just throw away four full years together? How? Is that selfish? I know it's not, but I just, feel like shit. I don't know if it's because of how she acted for a while or all she said, or maybe I would feel this way anyway, or maybe I would feel it but not as intensely, but I do. I feel guilty and I don't know what to do. I feel so lost.

And money. What the fuck do I do about money, I've never been this confused and just, I've never felt so thrown out into the open, exposed, on my own. I'm scared. I'm so scared. I don't want to be in debt, I can't be. And what if college isn't even right for me? What if I don't do well after college? What if, what if, what if?

I just need everything to PLEASE STOP MOVING. Just stop going, just stop, just let me sit for a while, just let me please have five more minutes in this worry free life I live, just please, please, please. I'm not ready. I have to be ready. Oh, god, I have almost four more months of feeling like this until I go to school, I can't handle this, I'm so, not me. Not myself right now. Maybe I'll find myself at school. Maybe I never will. Oh my god, I need to BREATHE. I need to sleep. I need to sleep right now.

Ugh, such an amazing night. I love her so much. It's nice to have nights to just get away and do something totally different every once in a while. It was needed and so much fun and she's, she's my world.

It is sad that the weather can help you with your emotions. That it takes pity on you, and turns into what you need. Or maybe that's just what you make yourself believe, because something out there needs to help you take solace. If that's true, then the thunderstorm that is supposed to be passing through tonight is going to be a comfort to me. The weather will empathize with me. You never realize how much you're going to miss something until you are forced to miss it. This sucks more than ever thought. I literally can't remember a time that I haven't been followed into the kitchen. I can't remember coming home and not saying hi to my baby. But I know he's better off. He was starting to lose his mind a little, and he was in such pain. It just sucks. It just sucks and hurts and I don't know how to get over it. Pets fdjaskl pets really are family. This stupid dog has stuck around when no one else would. Lasted longer than any friendship. I don't know. I just miss my little furry buddy. Even if he was stupid or smell or annoying, he was mine.

In the mornings, she wakes up like the sunrise;

She is the gentle light pinks and violets.

In the days, she is bright and warm,

She is the sun in the cloudless skies.

In the evenings, she is the sunset;

Vibrant and passionate like the deep shades of red.

Wow.

Being with you is like watching a movie montage. It's from the lover's view, and everything is pieces together, every smile every gesture every eye roll, with cute music overlapped on top.

Thought I loved you when you told me you loved me Thought I loved you when you gave me a promise ring Thought I loved you when you took every weekend to see me Thought I loved you when the whole summer was just you and me Thought I loved you so much before, But even just getting a hickey in your car, makes me love you more.

"You don’t! Yeah! I mean. I just wanted to like, know something about you now, that’s why I said it how I said it. Because I love your stories, but I just need something like, more every so often, something I don’t know about you or something that’s changed or I don’t know. I wanna connect."

I have such a headache. Wish this was still last night.

I was going to call twice but. No, it's not even worth the fight.

Really? Like cksks really? I was fine last night, you didn't know. But we were literally talking about why I can't sleep. And you didn't even say goodnight at the least. Nice, cndjsjs.

Once upon a time, there was a girl. A girl who didn't believe anything until it was proven. She knew things, knew things like she was a good person, and that she was nice looking, and that she had a great future, but she didn't necessarily believe them. Now, I definitely do not condone needing someone to make you believe all of these things about yourself, but the girl found another girl who made her believe it. And the other girl was so wonderful. So wonderful, that the girl decided to keep her around. And no matter what happened, the girl would always have the other girl to thank for making her believe she was something special. Little did the girl know, but the other girl needed her, too. To be there for her, to hold her hand, to remind her that she, too, was special. Luckily, they could both do this for one another. And things happen, and storms cross over even the nicest beaches, and the road gets tough. But they got through, because they believe in each other, more than they believed in anything or anyone else in the world. And I think that's a big part of love. To just, believe in that person, until you stop breathing. And that's what I'll do for you, bear. I'll believe in you, and stick by your side, and remind you you're special, until I stop breathing. I promise.

I missed kissing you so fucking much. My heart really did sigh of relief. I'm so glad we're home.

And she's not a terrible person in the slightest fjdksla I'm just sad.

I have to get this out.

I told her not to do it. Yeah, we were kind of joking, but also later I seriously said "aren't you going to put it in another bag?" and everything. And even if I was just joking, like, that was still something you tell someone, like. And it's like, I told her not to fjdksla I did. Specifically. And then when she found out, she was still such fjdksla just not nice at all about it, and that all just hurt. It hurt so badly. I don't even want the NorthFace anymore, and that sucks so much, because I loved that thing. And I wanted to finally show it off to people. I never get to do that. And who got her? Her mom. Who always brags about everything. And it's MINE. Like, fjkdlsa. That was my present, I should be the one who gets to show people. It hurts so badly. I really hurt. I wanna cry, but I can't, and everything is so shitty. This shouldn't even had happened. And I'm not trying to make her feel worse just. I already feel worse than her, I guarantee it. Something, like, that experience, and that joy I would have gotten from being able to say, "Yeah, Hannah got it for me! I love it, she's so nice." It was stolen from me. I never get to show off presents to my own family, like. Whatever. I don't think fjdkals anything can fix this and I just want it to go away. I really just feel robbed. Robbed of the present, and robbed of the pride of having such a nice thing from my girlfriend. It's not mine anymore, it's just me being spoiled. It's Hannah's gift, and not my gift from Hannah. And god, like, why would she let her mother like show it off, that's what pisses me off the most. If Hannah had personally herself, I wouldn't be as torn up. But no, Holly shouldn't have even been involved, but she was, getting to brag and show everyone yet another thing. My thing. I don't want it anymore.

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