twelve

a constant state of phantasmagoria

[thrashingdreamer]

call me Twelve/12. he/him. I cant interact from this blog.

pedophiles, zoophiles, necrophiles, or anyone else who prioritizes their identity as a paraphile over recovery and the issues revolving around indulging in predatory fantasies are not welcome. "proshippers," "darkshippers," "comshippers," "radqueers" and anyone else who drives to normalize predatory desires within any community, especially queer or mixed age communities, are included in this.

endogenic systems are not welcome on this account, this account is a space for systems derived from trauma. I dont want to interact with you or have it on my dash - thank you.

this blog will contain heavy topics. I was sex trafficked. they'll be tagged if neccesary. block me if thats a problem, dont cry to me about it. the inconvenience of reading about sexual abuse does not even come close to the horrors of experiencing it.

[thrashingdreamer]

tomorrow I'm starting 30 Days of DID, I have some posts queued. one per day, for 30 days. hope you all look forward to hearing more about me :)

[endosdonotinteract]

thanks for mentioning having parts with bigoted beliefs

i cant control what they do and i cant disallow or control them and their internet usage (i dont know if anything happened, i hope not) but its really embarassing and i feel bad and i never see anyone talk about it

Oh, you're so SO welcome anon!

Of course, my welcome might sound sarcastic, and I deeply apologize.

cw. abuse and grooming mentioned under the cut.

Nobody understands that parts don't always have fun and dandy beliefs or thoughts, some parts (more specifically EPs/Emotional Parts, but can go for all) will hold memories/trauma and believe that those ideas and bigoted views will "protect" them from the harm they're in.

Of course, you should always make sure these parts will manage to drop these beliefs, but parts who have views like this have them due to trauma associated with the beliefs (e.g. a child being abused and groomed into believing one side is bad, and a part will hold viewpoints against that side.)

It doesn't excuse when parts do end up causing harm to the side they grew to hate, but it more-or-so explains as to what could've caused it. As grooming is a form of manipulation, and isn't always sexual.

[endosdonotinteract]

thanks for mentioning having parts with bigoted beliefs

i cant control what they do and i cant disallow or control them and their internet usage (i dont know if anything happened, i hope not) but its really embarassing and i feel bad and i never see anyone talk about it

Oh, you're so SO welcome anon!

Of course, my welcome might sound sarcastic, and I deeply apologize.

cw. abuse and grooming mentioned under the cut.

Nobody understands that parts don't always have fun and dandy beliefs or thoughts, some parts (more specifically EPs/Emotional Parts, but can go for all) will hold memories/trauma and believe that those ideas and bigoted views will "protect" them from the harm they're in.

Of course, you should always make sure these parts will manage to drop these beliefs, but parts who have views like this have them due to trauma associated with the beliefs (e.g. a child being abused and groomed into believing one side is bad, and a part will hold viewpoints against that side.)

It doesn't excuse when parts do end up causing harm to the side they grew to hate, but it more-or-so explains as to what could've caused it. As grooming is a form of manipulation, and isn't always sexual.

[endosdonotinteract]

content warning | abuse and suicide (read at own discretion)

I felt myself die several times.

Several times, and yet people online want my experience.

And yet roleplayers want my experience.

And yet random people who don't know what it feels like want my experience.

I died several times.

And yet. They want my experience. Without the trauma, without the death, without the screaming and fighting and cutting and medication, without the seizures and pain and reminder that I am stuck like this. For fucking ever.

That I am dead. That I am alive. That I feel nothing, all because adults had a power trip and couldn't handle their own shit.

I felt myself lose consciousness, lose everything.

And I felt my own life slipping away, and I felt death. I felt it, burning at me as my brain was mushed down. I feel nothing, apathetic as you will.

Nobody wants to throw up everyday, seize over trauma and feel they're about to die.

All I can do is grieve over how adults decided to make my life a living hell. And now I'm emotionally stunted in certain aspects, while the rest of me matures in adulthood. While the rest of me dies off.

I felt my heart stop when they ruled out my diagnosis, I felt my existence cease when they told me what it meant, and I felt my body stiffen at the cause.

I felt myself die, over and over again, just for people to want it.

[unteriors]

Lee Drive, St. Albans, West Virginia.

[darkandstormyranger]

finally some relatable content on ig

[kabaks]

ill be like “ive had it” and two seconds later i will start enduring

[lonelysummerbreeze]

2010

[wetheurban]

You owe it to yourself to see just how great it can get.

[wetheurban]

You deserve a life that doesn’t revolve around holding everything together. Ease, not just survival.

[thrashingdreamer]

struggling to pee today. it isnt fair that I have to live with the damage they did to my body while nearly every single one of them walks free. I know of maybe one of them that has actually been incarcerated and he was a fall guy. he was made simply to go to prison for their crimes so that they could continue on without suspicion.

[thrashingdreamer]

the fact that I was trafficked on construction sites horrifies me because I still often pass the places I was being abused on, whether it be the warehouses or the actual building sites where abuse and even disposal happened. I wonder sometimes if the people living in those homes know what kind of ground theyre walking on, what kind of people laid the foundation for the homes theyre raising their families in. I wonder if they would still have chose to live there if they knew. would it be like a murder home to them? "well its still a house, and its not like its going to happen again."

[infear-of-rot]

[bitchi4mwillywonka]

learning how to react less because why should i have to lose my mind just to be understood

[selfcarereminder]

the version of you from five years ago would be genuinely amazed by what you’ve handled since then. sit with that for a second

[reznwh0re]

keep being weird and strange it scares off the people you don’t want around you