Follow Your Passion

A momentary spec of existence; a whole lot of life

[threesidestoeverystory]

Back Again

Almost a full year since my last entry. This whole blog is for myself, not really meant for anyone else. Perhaps a stranger fumbles onto the page and earns some insight from it all. Perhaps that someone is me a year later...

I've finally began sending my feelings and thoughts to my acclaimed sister since our falling out. It's best to get everything out in the open. I feel that it has been long enough to finally be able to feel it all and move forward. I'm making realizations, as always, as I open up this internal box. (1) I assume much, speculate, if you will. She pointed that out, and it's correct. I see it across the board. Taking my own assumptions as fact as I traverse my emotional landscape. That's unfair to everyone, even me. I would say many people do this, so I'm happy to have it acknowledged so I can be better. (2) I'm at a critical juncture in my life and what I learn and come to terms with now will have long term implications on the rest of my life. I can feel it. I've felt it building, it's still morphing into something I'm trying to recognize so I can attach my reigns. I keep going back to the lifestyle of observation vs action. The monk vs the warrior. What role am I meant to play in this world, this life? What role do I want to play? Can I be both? I'll get emotionally worked up and want to take action, and then sit back and speculate on the whole system and realize I've fallen into the same trap I've yelled from the rooftops at others to avoid. Then I back into observation again. Right and wrong, left and right, us and them. These are all constructs. They only exist in the space we all allow them to. (3) I need to talk with myself more. I should have an entry a day honestly. Because I'll end up targeting those closest to me to work out my thoughts and emotions otherwise and that's not fair to them. Even when I think I'm standing for a cause, as noble and just as I believe it to be, it is for me to act only in my life and observe others. That's what I'm coming to believe as of now. I can be both because that's the contradictory nature of life. We are all and nothing at the same time. So I'll be the warrior when I need to stand up for someone or as it pertains to my own life, but I will be the monk when it pertains to others. Give advice, when asked. Pay attention to the turmoils of others and support them from the corner.

Too long I've been tormented by the feelings of helplessness as if I wasn't doing enough, I wasn't being a strong enough warrior. But then the times I did do more, I felt foolish and rash and secluded to my corner to ponder a better way forward. So there it is. I'm both ends of the spectrum. I'm the fire and will to push my desires forward, but I'm also the water and healing to care and listen to those around me. All while being a warmth and ease for people. I aspire to this, to bring comfort and light to people's lives. So, you see, I must get this balance right so that I can show up for not just myself in the way that I need, but others as well. Too much observing energy on me and action energy on others lately. The scales were tipped. Time to reverse and balance things out again. First, I'll start with apologizing for the imbalance. Recognize what it was for me and then just do better. That's all we need to do.

[threesidestoeverystory]

Just wanted to write down my thoughts to see what's going through them right now. It's Christmas night, and the house has just quieted down for the evening. I didn't sleep very well last night...at all. As tired as I am, I'm still left pondering on an unknown feeling. It's likely attached to an underlying thought that I'm hoping writing this entry will bring to the forefront. I'll try to describe it.

Let's see. I'm missing my puppies and fiance, who are 500 miles to the east. I'm still coming to terms with my adopted sister's choice to put herself above her children while carrying the delusion that she's not. I've visited my Midland family, where I sit now, for only a short few days, and now I'm heading back tomorrow morning. Or perhaps this feeling is attached to something else completely. I think the idea of a potential future rather than the known past. I've always wanted to bring my family together under the same position of stars, but yet we look up at a different sky nightly. My brother aims to leave for Scotland as soon as possible. My father doesn't believe in another option for him to get out of the desert town he's in now. Can I believe enough for all of them? Or maybe I shouldn't focus so much on what I want for everyone else and pay more focus to offering opportunities for them to choose. I must surrender and accept all that is so that I can truly move forward. But also balance that with still caring and offering help regardless if it is taken or not. A life majority in service to others for that sole purpose will yield the ascension I seek. Balance is key as self-love is also a priority. I honor my needs as well. True balance and purpose.

[threesidestoeverystory]

The Calling

I dream every night. Complex, out-of-this-world, vivid dreams. I'm convinced I'm traveling outside of not just my body, but this reality. Perhaps we all do and I'm just better at remembering it upon waking up...for at least a moment. If I don't immediately focus on the dreams upon waking before doing anything else, then they fade with a purpose. I'm left with only feelings and the occasional Deja Vu moment where the dream floods back into my waking mind at random moments in my life, which could be years later.

I have regular dreams too. They're mixed in with the crazy ones and usually occur right before waking, almost as a deterrent towards the much more interesting ones beforehand. I can dream as soon as I'm asleep too. I do not need to wait until REM sleep as they say is needed for dreaming. Or maybe I can enter REM upon closing my eyes. Either way, the dream world comes easy to me, always has. I can count on my fingers how many times I've had trouble falling asleep and I'm 32.

I've never had a nightmare either. Not one I can remember, not how everyone makes them sound. I've had dreams of an underworld type place, all sorts of types of creatures different from humans, losing people, falling, etc...but it never affects me to the level of a nightmare. It's almost as though I know I'm just observing. I have woken up crying before, but they were tears of happiness. The world as we know it had collapsed for whatever reason and people were scattered in America everywhere, left with no means of communicating via distance. I remember ending up in an underground safe point where survivors were fleeing. This had been a while after whatever doomsday prophecy was fulfilled in this reality; and I was certain I would never see anyone from my old life again. Just then I looked up and my dad walked through the entryway looking just as lost. I still can't contain the feeling of the memory of this dream when I think about it. The emotion is so powerful. The more powerful the emotion, the more I remember.

I believe something truly magical can happen when we dream if we surrender to it. I'm currently fighting that battle/lesson of surrendering to life. It's a difficult lesson to learn. My own slice of magic happened in my adulthood. On April 13, 2022, I awoke to a feeling of the highest bliss I've ever felt. Nothing could touch my mood and I radiated positivity and light. I could just feel it coming off of me. That's the best way to describe it. It lasted in strength for 3 full days and then started to fade over the rest of the week. I remembered nothing from my dreams the nigh before, but I know something mystifying happened. I should note that this was a few months after my 30th birthday (1/23) and I had been a heavy tobacco smoker for 14 years proceeding. I had tried to quit dozens of times over the years. I would get a few months in on my best attempts before caving at a social gathering or stressful moment or just because I was near it. After that morning of 4/13/22, I've never desired, touched or even thought about smoking again. Just out of thin air I no longer struggled with that part of my shadow self. Something came to me in my dreams, something of light that left its residual and removed the addiction from my mind. It's been almost 2 years and it's still going strong. I know at this point it's forever, I can feel it. I've been around people smoking, been drinking, been to social gatherings, been offered it, been stressed..all of the weak points and I'm good. I've been good. Since that day...I wish I knew what did this, but I know for certain it was some sort of divine intervention. Whether a higher dimensional being, my own higher self outside of this dimension or the Source, itself. Let religion or science explain it, but I know what I experienced. I cannot wait for the next one and for some reason, I feel like it'll be in 2025. More to come!

[threesidestoeverystory]

UPDATE: I have been working for myself since August 2021, so I made my previous goal. Now I'm 31 about to be 32 next month and have new goals. One is to have the best wedding in October 2024, then to buy a house, and then, if the universe sees it fit, create life. I just read back through all the earlier posts. It makes me feel a certain way to relive my past mindsets and thoughts. I still gave my spiritual goals as well, and funny enough, I'm still in the cocoon phase I spoke about in 2021, but I feel it coming to an end. I can sense the air changing around me, and I'm so excited to move past this. I still have to learn my main lesson, which is to surrender. Only then will I hatch to the next phase. I have to learn to accept things and go with the energetic flow of existence. I feel detached and far away. I live a happy and fulfilled life. I have all that I need or want. I'm loved, and I love. Yet still... something is missing. It's like I'm only half on in this world. I'm missing a huge part of me...the part that burns brightest and pushes forward. I'm missing my fire. Perhaps it comes after the hatching like a Phoenix from the ashes. 2025 is my year. One more year of learning the same lesson then it'll be time to step into my passion, my fire.

[threesidestoeverystory]

To Live is To Love

All things made of light in this world are made of love at their energy core. And all things worth experiencing more than once are from this same source. If to both live and die mean going towards the light, then perhaps neither actually exist. They're just both the same source playing itself out in different vibrational signatures. One does not start nor end; it only is as being, and being is to live. To live is to love.

[threesidestoeverystory]

Memories

I attended a funeral today. I haven’t been to one since I was a little girl. That one was a 6 year old boy open casket. Bee sting to the head and he was allergic. Nothing since until now. My grandpa, well, adopted. Family is family regardless of how it comes about. For the last 10 years, I’ve been coming to see him at least once a month. That’s at least 120 visits. It should’ve been more. We were close. I wasn’t sure how I’d react. I got through the news and day of relatively in control. There was some sobbing and I got to talk with him while unconscious over the phone hours before he slipped away. COVID protocol kept me away and COVID is what ended up taking him. Fluid in the lungs, unnecessary pressure on the heart. We just couldn’t keep his blood pressure up any longer. It was peaceful.

When me and mine finally got to the reception, if that’s what it’s called, people were just showing up. I immediately lost control for the first time. I suppose it just needed to vacate me. I tend to handle loss, I’ve found, through random outbursts of emotion. Makes for a well rounded emotional being...

Corky was full of stories, but I suppose when you’re 90 it comes with the territory. These stories, however, were unique. He stole back stolen cars from Mexico and snuck them across the border, he made it through heavy fire during the Korean war (though he didn’t believe in carrying guns stating that people only shoot at the people with the guns), a Typhoon on the boat back, scaring Yankees out of West Texas by shooting up a saloon (it was his friend’s saloon who was also shooting), a trial that got way out of control, and so many more. His biggest fear was not being remembered. He didn’t have to say it out loud for me to realize this. There were plenty of insinuations and after all we’re all torn from the same cloth. Isn’t that a fear of us all? To have been insignificant and live a life that doesn’t matter? What we learn after this life is that the ‘matter’ part of that is subjective and comes from the other lives that we touch...and Corky has touched so many. 

I thought I was so special and that Corky meant the most to me more than anyone else and I to him. What a small thing to think. As I sat with others and listened to stories about him that I’d never heard and how he moved and changed other people’s lives as well; I realized then how foolish a thought I had. He was so much more than I gave him credit for without even meaning to. He was more than he gave himself credit for and I truly hope he witnessed what I did. 

It’s no doubt that he is loved and will be remembered by many. I guar-an-tee it. (Pronounced GARE-UN-TEE)

In memory of grandpa Corky.

[threesidestoeverystory]

Calm

I’ve been calm, strangely calm since my episode. This coming from someone that cannot turn off the ‘what ifs’ of an anxious mind. Someone who is constantly overthinking and overanalyzing every detail to the point of exhaustion. 

I suppose my body and mind finally divorced, removing the possibility of a boil over. Or perhaps that was my boil over saving me from a meltdown. Whichever the case, it has brought me more present. I feel like I float through the days instead of my usual drowning sensation. It honestly feels as though my thoughts can’t reach the highest point of my head any longer and therefore turn around before creating too much of a fuss within me. It’s nice but also intriguing. 

What happened that day? Why do I feel different and more importantly what does that mean? I’m going to take it positively. Like my body and mind are forcing me to act a certain way away from my self-destructive thinking and acting. Never intentional, of course. I just couldn’t help but be that way and now I have a chance to be different. I can use this as a means to recreate myself. Perhaps that’s what this was always about. I’m being reborn and I’m in the cocoon phase as mentioned earlier. Perhaps that episode was the wrapping of the cocoon around me and now I’m rewiring. I wonder how long this phase lasts? Likely different for everyone. I’m very excited for the final product. 

[threesidestoeverystory]

Priorities

What do you consider important? Now what’s the percentage of daily time that you give these important items. If say family was your main priority, but you spent a majority of your time at work, well then I’d say you’ve got your priorities mixed up. 

The people I love, self-actualization and ascension are my top priorities. So how much time per day do I give these? I’m at work 45 hours during the week on average out of 101 available awake hours. I’m driving to or from work 5 additional hours per week. That’s 5 hours per day Mon-Fri available to other items before I need to sleep.

That would mean that even if I filled that whole 5 hours with my priorities (which I don’t due to the need to seriously unwind and recharge) that I would still only get 51 hours (including the 26 hours for Saturday and Sunday) per week. That’s literally 50% of my time. I give work 50% of my life and it has nothing to do with any of my priorities. 

Goal: 33% to the people I love, 33% to self-actualization, 33% to the process of ascension.

Action Steps: 

By August 2021: Set my financials up to allow for a step away from my current position and ensure I leave on good terms (never burn bridges to those that were good to you, but always put your personal needs above professional)

By January 2022: Have daily practices that tie into my ultimate goals down to habits. 

By August 2022: Write my first book. 

[threesidestoeverystory]

An Imperfect Perfection

I have always considered myself close enough to a perfectionist to see the effects. I’ve struggled with this quality of myself as I’m also aware that perfection is the biggest hindrance to progress, which I hold highly at this juncture. It’s important not to confuse perfection and quality as one is not inclusive of the other. Moving forward in your goals is much more vital to success than ensuring every step meets the impossible status of perfect. 

So much time wasted.

You can spend a lifetime perfecting the imperfect, though to make the mindset shift to find the perfection in the imperfect will serve you much more in this very imperfect human existence. Here’s to the imperfect perfections. 

[threesidestoeverystory]

Update

It has been quite some time since I’ve last been on before today. I’ve decided to use this platform as my daily fill of internal dialogue. I believe journaling to be very spiritually healthy and I’ve put it on the back burner for long enough. 

Just a quick update: My partner and I did start our own online resale company that has grown exponentially in the last year. I took off 6 months to help get it off the ground before accepting a management position. I’m still on track to fully work for myself by 30, which is next January. 

My main goals have been frustratingly focused on the material for some time with the knowledge of the importance of the spiritual. I have allowed myself to go into misalignment and become a cocoon of nothingness. I have received enough messages and know it’s time to listen. The only way out of a cocoon is to accept the state which you are in and hatch. The result will be your best self and allow you to live your best life. 

[threesidestoeverystory]

Surrender

The Universe speaks to all of us though we don’t all listen. There’s clues to what we individually consider success everywhere. Some say numbers are the language of the universe, others say frequencies that transmit into patterns or emotions are; but the truth is all are correct. Energy is in everything and in everyone and these forces can create, destroy or transform. Even beyond our current collective understanding. The Universe can use all of these things to leave clues of the next thing that is to happen. We face an external world in a life that we journey through internally. Only in true surrendering to that which we cannot control can we transform ourselves. This is where true manifestation stems from.

[threesidestoeverystory]

Meaning of Happiness

Harvard conducted a 75 year study following two groups of people throughout their lives. They found that the only thing that brought out true happiness is meaningful and deep relationships with other people. With technology advancing like it is towards consumer desired products that take attention from a person's immediate surroundings and life, does this explain why there seems to be a rise in depression?

[threesidestoeverystory]

Dimensions Discussed

What if the universe as we know it (or lack thereof) is just a sequence in a line of a quadrillion other sequences and the talk about dimensions and cracks in reality are just bridging to these other possibilities?

[threesidestoeverystory]

Identity

How come when we're alone and another person appears unexpectedly, there's a sudden fear. Is it because we don't know what any given person is capable of or is it because we know exactly what they're capable of? It's like looking into a strange mirror of humanity and knowing that we're all so similar on the other side and we don't want to face that because we strive so hard for our individuality. If we came to terms with that statement, then it would shave just a little more off of the purpose we've given ourselves and the uniqueness of us to that purpose. What is life.

[threesidestoeverystory]

Story Time

So, the other night I had a dream about a room I had never been to swarming in cockroaches and a girl was laying on the bed with her back turned. When I flipped her over, she had one in her mouth. I freaked and left. Well, I checked into a nice hotel; the same sort I always check into. After a few hours, I get up to go take a shower and notice three baby cockroaches in there. I think 'that's weird' and wash them down the drain. Then I go into the kitchen while the shower is heating up and find a handful more scattering all different sizes. I kill the ones I can reach still trying to control the situation. Well, they keep coming out. So after my shower I say if I see one more, I'm leaving. Sure enough, almost on que, a medium sized one scurries down the wall. I pack my stuff up immediately and leave because I know how this dream ends and I'm not getting a roach in my mouth! Anyways, I get a different room and everything seems fine. Geez, talk about deja vu! In all my traveling, this has NEVER happened. Okay, goodnight everyone!

[threesidestoeverystory]

Future

People often ask me what it is that I want to do. This question typically stems from a bold statement claiming that I WILL work for myself by age 30. At first, this was a difficult question to answer since they were curious as to how I would make my money and I was more interested in what difference I would make once I had it. What I want to do has no monetary gain, so I’m doing what is against my nature now in order to live the life I want by my deadline. I want to do the only thing that I feel will have meaning past the immediate moment, which is making an impact in people’s lives. To see someone’s eyes light up and knowing my actions caused a meaningful memory would be enough of a joy to become an everlasting addiction. I’d never want to stop.

This is how I’ll validate my meaning, my worth, my legacy.

[threesidestoeverystory]

Life...

…is about passion. Without living with your passions, you’re limited to living a life someone else had planned for you. Everyone’s guilty of this, myself included. How many times do you think to yourself, “One day I’ll…” Why not that one day be today? What’s holding you back? Fear. Fear of change. Fear of an unknown path. Fear of consequences that you otherwise wouldn’t have had to face. Everything else is an excuse. Fear is a good quality to have ONLY when it’s accompanied by courage. I don’t know what will happen if you take the risks you’ve been wanting to take, but I do know what will not happen…Live everyday like it’s your only chance to become who you want to be and do what you want to do. Master this and you’ll find true bliss.