i’ve never really Told my testimony before, because i’m not sure how much of one it is to even be called one?
but this my story / testimony(?), but vague enough for privacy:
I grew up in church, always dressed up and whatnot by my mom for Sunday school and our church’s biblical version of Boy/Girl Scouts. And being honest, I don’t remember much of these years ( Not for any bad reason I assure you!!! ), because I was young and had/have bad memory about the mundane parts of my childhood. I think that I believed in God? But maybe I only did because that’s what my family and friends all believed in, but I’ll never be sure.
When I moved states in 2016, I was probably cursing God because “How could He do this to me? To rip me from my friends and family so suddenly? (it was a period of a few months btw). I’ll never recover from this and will never forgive my parents >:(“ I lost all my friends and family in a matter of months, and was forced to make new friends at this prison-like middle school all alone, knowing absolutely no one and being so alone. This was probably when my depression started to make its way into my mind. I would like to mention in advance that I have been diagnosed with ADHD and General Anxiety Disorder since just before the Move.
I would say seventh grade is when I realized I was apart of the LGBTQ+ community, and this was a big realization. I wasn’t unaware of the community, my uncles were gay and they were married, so why would I have a problem with it? Then the Internet told me the whole “The Bible says its a Sin and its best not to associate with Christians as a queer” debacle (Not even going to talk about Westboro like dang). And that is probably when I started to question my faith.
I was listening to the anti-religious queer users online, and never looked at the Christian side of the argument, and yet I was trying to decide what I’d devote my time to. It ended up that I decided I was going to live for myself, not for others, and certainly not for God. The only reason I was still going to youth group, and church in general, at this point was because I had made a really close friend. That should be great, right? Except looking back, she only enabled and encouraged my turn to witchcraft in high school.
In high school, I was so deep into social media under the name Haelea because my name wasn’t “given to me with consent,” and I had started an altar and began my journey down witchcraft while simultaneously still going to church and hiding this massive secret of magick and queerness from my parents and family (big mistake obviously). I kept it going, and didn’t look back at what I Thought would (not actively Was) going to cause me pain when I would come out.
Then Covid hit. First round of quarantine was fine, because I had time to improve myself and improve my knowledge and craft, and I did some spells that ended up working (self-love spells due to insecurities). Summer was great too. Then fall came, and my mom’s Snapchat recommended my account to her. (I was NEVER allowed social media, and I never knew how to delete that snap account after one month of having it). She was pissed as all of everything. Came into my room (while watching TikTok mind you), asked for my phone, and left. I cried in my bathroom for however long it was, and thinking back I think it was my first anxiety attack.
As practically a digital citizen at that point, I was dying and crying without my phone and access to the internet. I was already years into s*icidal ideation, and for a moment I really truly considered it. Never had the guts nor balls to do it, even before this point. But in the state I lived in, it was entirely legal for parents to kick their kids out for being gay, and I was so terrified of being homeless that I started thinking of ways to get It done fast.
Skip some time, and part of the deal to get my phone back was by going to church, and being able to explain What was being preached during service. Essentially I was being quizzed on church. Eventually I had good behavior enough that I earned back my phone, only now it had a parental-controlled VPN and no internet access. I could call, text, or play mobile games that didn’t need wifi or internet. I was no longer netizen Haelea, I was just American Me.
Do I regret going behind my parents backs and lying for five years? Of course I do, but I felt most guilty because I didn’t follow one of the Ten Commandments of “Honor thy father and mother,” because now (still selfishly thinking), I would never “live long in the land the LORD your God is giving you” (Ex 20:12).
It took a while, but by junior year I started believing again, and I was repenting so much, but not for selfish reasons anymore. Briefly junior year, I joined my school’s color guard, and made a new family that I could discuss religion with, and I think that helped one person go deeper (maybe not, maybe it was the Spirit working) and it helped me go deeper. I was going to church because I wanted to now, not because my parents made me. I wanted to go so I could learn for myself. I would go so that I could experience the community we as Christians are called to live. I learned so much that year, and I am eternally grateful for the Spirit to move me so much towards returning to the church of our Lord. This one university, the Christian one i attend, kept advertising at my high school, and I decided to visit as many of their meetings as I could. Not necessarily to dedicate my college-life to this school, but to open my mind to more than public or state-run schools.
Then senior year is when it became hard again, but not in a non-believing or witchcraft way. It became hard from asking “Why? Why is this happening? Why are you making this difficult?” At this point, I had to start enrolling in universities so I could graduate. The school mentioned previously, I almost didn’t apply to. I almost solely applied to state universities because of their acceptance rates being more doable for my low-academic-mind. I almost went to my state school too, because that’s where my friends were going. Why would I want to start anew all alone again?
Anyways I’m at the Christian university after a split second “No. Let’s dedicate myself to a Christian education. They have multitudes of degrees anyways, so I’m not limited to Bible study or ministry work if that is not what I am being called to do. If I am, great. If not, I’m still here and dedicated.” Somehow this surprised my parents. I think they expected me to choose the school with my friends and cheaper tuition because I have familial financial insecurity even though they tried to make sure I never noticed. They still want me to have the “full college experience” and so I am in a dorm on campus. I have a Biblical study class taught by a Dr, and it has helped my faith grow steadier than before.
This was my story, and we are caught up to the present. This blog is to document my journey and the difficulties I have and will deal with in my faith in Christianity.
I do not judge, because I will be judged (Rev. 20:12).
I care because I am called to love and show compassion (1 Cor. 13:4-10) (John 11:41).
I believe because God is good, and there is no doubt to be had in His plan.
I will struggle, and I will fall, and I will stray from the path. But I have to try my darnedest to stay on path and to get back up and regain balance. If I do not try, then I will have don’t nothing with this life intended of worship that He has gifted to me. I will be unworthy of his love if I do not try to follow.
As of now, I stand in my faith, even if it is more of sand than stone that reaches my chest. Beneath the sand is the foundation, and I will wait for the sand to blow away to reveal the stone that which my life was built upon. I will stand as sturdy as I can.
Thank you for reading. May your day/afternoon/night be blessed, and I will pray as well as I can for you.
Sincerely, Me.
