Honestly, I can’t remember how many times I tried to write this. I might keep this in my drafts, but if I’ll be able to finish and post this, I hope this will serve as a reminder that: (1) We are nothing without God. (2) God isn’t redirecting us because we failed, but because He has a greater purpose that would touch the lives of His children. This is not the most beautiful and articulate letter and probably the messiest letter you’ll be able to read, but I want you to know that everything written here was from my heart—raw and messy.
It all started when my family had financial trouble last year. As someone who’s in my last year at University, I had this desire to provide and help my family. And since most of the schools are held online, I decided to find a full-time job while I do my thesis at night. I can still vividly remember how I begged God to give me this job I needed. I made a promise that I would be a good servant and a soldier of His kingdom. To cut a long story short, God gave me what I wanted.
Everything went smoothly. My family recovered and everything felt good. I had a well-paying job, my parents received their retirement pay, and I finished Uni. It was great, until reality hit me so hard. God gave me everything I asked Him, but I failed to do my promises to Him. I was too engrossed with work that I started neglecting Him—I stopped my devotions and I stopped talking to Him. I was so distracted by these beautiful things to the point where I forgot where these beautiful things came from. I was ashamed.
The shame I felt grew to resentment. I was so disappointed to myself because I can see myself distancing from God—afraid that He would be mad at me. I was very jaded to the point that the enemy started to control me. I developed this bad anxiety that greatly affect my decisions at work and I always find myself crying before going to work because I feel so lonely and unworthy. I thought God is punishing me from disobeying Him. I thought God is punishing me because I broke my promise to Him. The guilt ate me.
I was so tired. Lost. Everything became black and white. I was drowning and I couldn’t breathe. One night, I tried to reach out to Him. Knowing that He abandoned me, I tried my chances, hoping He would still hear me. I poured my heart and cried everything to Him like a child denouncing the unbearable pain caused by my disobedience. I was shattered but relieved that I already surrendered from the battle I was in. And for the first time, I slept peacefully. One day, I woke up with a tear-stained face. I looked horrible, but I dragged myself from the bed. I went to work and the next thing I did shocked me. I submitted my resignation letter.
It was a tough decision. With no plans in the future and no idea to do, I bravely left the job that God gave me. I walked out from the door that God opened for me. At first, I thought I did that because I’m a rebel child, but as time went by, I realized that God allowed me to leave that job. He could’ve stopped me in a thousand different ways, but surprisingly, He let me out. After months of battling and reconciling, I realized why God let me out, He’s redirecting me. I remember I begged Him for this job because I know it would financially help my family. And now that my family already recovered, He gave me a moment to rest. To figure out what I really want for myself… Not what my family needs, but what I need for myself.
Lo and behold, God really turned the bad into good. After I left my job, I spent my time with my family. I got a chance to try new things and new hobbies that I really enjoyed. Slowly, I can see myself smiling. Before, I’ve been avoiding mirrors, but now, I can bravely look at myself without remorse. I can still see the scars, the brokenness, but at least I’m moving forward. I still cried when I remembered how a single prayer changed things. It proves that my prayers don’t need to be organized or repetitive. You just need to be honest to Him and to yourself. Admitting that I had done wrong helped me to reconcile with God. He really humbled me down and I think that was His way of letting me know that He still hears me. That even though I disobeyed Him, He will not abandon me.
It's been months. I’m still actively looking for a new job, and I know it is a new battle. But this time, I’m doing this for myself. For my own happiness. I hope He will direct me to the path where I’ll flourish. I might become impatient during this phase, but I know that God will give me the things that I truly deserve because I already experienced the biggest turnaround even with the tiniest hope in my heart.
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