hi . this is a dud account / throwaway i randomly logged into but this is just so that people can . read about (some of) my thoughts / experiences with miles etc . i am not going to say who i am , though know i was part of the rpc and deleted my blogs shortly after things started circulating .
tw for mental health/death implication & . everything miles . has done anyways . but i'm trying not to go too deep into that to avoid triggering myself .
i read rii's / starmagicked's testimony and realised i was in a very , very similar situation and felt like it was important for me to say something , i was urged to do so by others but . at the time ( and current ) i'm dealing with outside things that are . not . easy for me to talk about . i will not go into detail but i can attest to everything rii has said ( even if we've never interacted ) because the EXACT same occurred with me , also . ( there's an extra layer to it however as i made it clear i have a partner in our conversations and yet he would still bring up nsfw topics etc . sometimes unprompted & without asking & would also do so during a time in which i would've assumed he was about to go to sleep .
so . the timezones thing was . uncomfortable . with the implications . of the conversations he was initiating . & if i wasn't so stern about how i was not going to rp nsfw however , i feel as though he would've eventually wanted that from me , and with how the conversations went , i know that i would've struggled to have said no . which is not . good or healthy for anyone . ) i also read something someone else said that resonated —- that of course , it was clear he hadn't read bios / rules bc he'd immediately tried to ship with my character who was gay . and y'know , it was the first thing . he'd tried to do with me in conversation . i know it's not detailed or enough to sort of . explain everything as i know to some people i was considered to be quite close with him but . i don't feel brave enough / safe enough to be able to , but . everything that was said in the doc is relevant in my case , too .
id also like to address the tone deaf post about how i was angry that i had to deal with what was going on also . id like to apologise to anyone who was hurt or upset by my lash out ( as it was childish and thoughtless of me . ) —- i was frightened and not quite myself in that moment and acting purely on adrenaline and did not sit to consider how other people might have felt having come across said post , so i'd like to apologise for making it in the first place .
the fear absolutely came from like . the fact that the day before this blew up miles had paraded me around publicly and i was so frightened that people thought i was some kind of like , apologist or enabler and yknow bc he'd done it the day before i knew that it was fresh in people's minds and that made me panic . that on top of handling the fact that a very very close friend of mine had . herself . and i was waiting on news for her funeral . it made things very , very difficult for me to handle . obviously this isn't an excuse for my actions , and i'm not trying to seek for sympathy - i just want to . i don't know . hold myself accountable for the fact that i absolutely could've handled this 100% better were i not in that sort of position at the time . and for that i apologise profusely . i should have been better .
( id also like to state that like , my whole "them or me" anger thing did not come from the rpc , my anger was directed at miles with that comment for . the way he'd ( COPY PASTED BTW AS I JUST LEARNT , ) tried to get me to choose him over everyone else . and the hostility comment was regarding my own fears that it would be directed at me if i did not say something , and at the time i was not prepared to handle anything beyond what was already on my plate . it was selfish of me and i am incredibly sorry for not thinking of other people in that moment . )
i can't and won't be able to go into this much further so generally i would like to leave this with a few things . one . i am incredibly sorry to anyone who i had hurt or offended with my words . i agree that my post was tone deaf and inappropriate and thoughtless towards those who suffered / were victims of what occurred . i should have thought about others instead of prioritising myself and again , i am profusely sorry . i understand if you remain angry or upset —- and i accept responsibility for that .
two . i will not be returning to this rpc any time soon . i may in time , return to roleplaying on tumblr but i can't handle it right now , but i only say this as a , if you see me in the future and want to hardblock or avoid me , i absolutely respect that and will not hold it against you . i have no anger towards the rpc - it is at miles , and for what he did / said / has done to me during a time of vulnerability and for manipulating me into believing he'd changed and was doing better .
to those affected by him . i am so . so sorry . i know what it's like to feel . isolated and disbelieved and i should've . thought about that . but i had pushed those feelings away because i hadn't wanted to focus on them , without thinking about those in a similar position who can't just do that . i will do and be better . and again , i am incredibly sorry .
i really hope that the rpc can heal and push forward from this , and i am incredibly sorry for any pain i may have contributed having been involved with him . and i'm equally as sorry for taking so long to address this / running away from the situation . i had really thought it best at the moment , and hadn't considered anyone else and how they might have felt . thank you for your time , and i hope that things get easier .