Just Another Lost Soul

Jeffrey Blackshear Twenty Nine ❝ I'm shopping around for something to do that no one will like.❞

[copper-choked-capillaries-blog]

Open starter!

[thxblacksheep]

copper-choked-capillaries

He sits back down hard and puts his head in his knees. Figuring the other was an addict like himself he decided to drop all pretenses with his response. “Coming down hard…what about you…Jeffrey?” Lifting his head up he looks the other up and down trying to figure him out, to figure out his drug of choice. He looks towards his pack and gestures to it. “Couldja pass my pack?” He has his own way of dealing with his misery. Namely Vicodin since it’s so fucking early. At this point Kevin didn’t care much if the other took his shit or even killed him it didn’t matter much what happened as long as his fucking head stopped h u r t i n g. It was frightening that he saw himself in the other. A slightly older, less anxious him, but him nonetheless. “I’m all I have.” He takes the joint and inhales before passing it back.

His pack? He scanned the area around them for anything that would be a pack. “This?” He asked reaching down for Kevin’s kit. As Jeffrey lifted it up inside he heard a familiar rattle. “That’s not Advil I take it..” He then rattled his own saddle bag, “Mine neither.” He couldn’t help but chuckle.  As he took the J from Kevin he handed him his bag. “All you got? How long has it been like that?” He couldn’t help but ask.

[copper-choked-capillaries-blog]

Gritting his teeth he anticipates the blow of disapproval, when it doesn’t come he simply nods along in surprise, answering without really knowing why. “Nah, Advil’s for pussies.” A brow raises in mock shock, “I never would’ve guessed friendo.” He smirks and shrugs in response “It’s enough.” Kevin takes the kit from Jeffrey and rifles around eventually pulling out a few pills. He closes the box and puts it aside before crushing the tablets into fine white powder and pushing it into lines. “Wanta hit?” Blocking off the other side of his nose he leans down and snorts the powder, leaning back and sniffling when it’s gone.

[thxblacksheep]

He couldn’t help himself but laugh, they sounded exactly the same. “I guess I might as well,” He took the bump without questioning what it might be and the feeling it drip down the back of his throat was a welcome one. This form before him was nothing if not disarmingand he wasn’t one to say not to free drugs. Before whatever unknown substance hit full peak he had to get his bearings and he figured his new friend could help him. “Any idea where exactly we are Kevin?’  Jeffrey was no stranger to pill bottle cocktails but that powder was kicking his ass.

[copper-choked-capillaries-blog]

Open starter!

[thxblacksheep]

copper-choked-capillaries

He sits back down hard and puts his head in his knees. Figuring the other was an addict like himself he decided to drop all pretenses with his response. “Coming down hard…what about you…Jeffrey?” Lifting his head up he looks the other up and down trying to figure him out, to figure out his drug of choice. He looks towards his pack and gestures to it. “Couldja pass my pack?” He has his own way of dealing with his misery. Namely Vicodin since it’s so fucking early. At this point Kevin didn’t care much if the other took his shit or even killed him it didn’t matter much what happened as long as his fucking head stopped h u r t i n g. It was frightening that he saw himself in the other. A slightly older, less anxious him, but him nonetheless. “I’m all I have.” He takes the joint and inhales before passing it back.

His pack? He scanned the area around them for anything that would be a pack. “This?” He asked reaching down for Kevin’s kit. As Jeffrey lifted it up inside he heard a familiar rattle. “That’s not Advil I take it..” He then rattled his own saddle bag, “Mine neither.” He couldn’t help but chuckle.  As he took the J from Kevin he handed him his bag. “All you got? How long has it been like that?” He couldn’t help but ask.

[copper-choked-capillaries-blog]

Open starter!

E m p t i n e s s: it’s all he knows. There’s a pit,( somewhere around where his stomach must be) and everything…everything always falls down it, but it will never fill up. He supposes it’s as if he just keeps eating but instead of feeling full and happy he just feels worse now that his crackers are gone. As if he had an emotional attachment to those fucking crackers and then they left him. Just like his mother. Or every foster parent who ever let him hope. Just to withdraw that hope like the fists that swung backwards to gain momentum and collide with his cheek. Like his brother, Gallen. Of course eating the crackers was his fault to begin with. If he hadn’t eaten them, they would still be here. Because at the end of the day, the loss of everyone around him had been his fault. His fault for being nothing but garbage to his mother. His fault for being too fucking mouthy. His fault for letting one of the fucking rotters eat his only family. Everyone was gone because of him. Everyone… At least he still had his safety items. They would never leave him. It’s dark when Kevin sets up the jangling cans around his sleeping bag. Tonight he doesn’t give a flying fuck about danger. Tonight he opens up his Just In Case kit and wraps his handy dandy ace bandage around his lower arm before he inserts the already prepared needle into his arm. Sometimes the heroin makes him feel like he isn’t useless. Sometimes it makes him feel like the hole inside him is closing off. He feels so l i g h t and god forbid. Happy. He’s stupid high and he doesn’t care about rotters or getting away he only gives a fuck about his needles, and the substance that spreads through his blood so quickly. Filling him. He’s shaking as he lies down, and he suddenly feels a hot flash of shame. Gallen wouldn’t have wanted this, Gallen would n o t have wanted this. He feels like he’s flying. Eventually he sleeps, dreaming that the stars are his salvation. Kevin’s first coherent thought upon wakefulness, as it had been every morning since the start, was ‘please let me wake up’. He (as always) had to put a real concerted effort into opening his eyes and as they did every morning, they widened ever so slightly at the realization that, despite his meager protection, (courtesy of his suicidal tendencies) he was actually still alive. The night before he had been lucky, really lucky because god he had this habit of getting high and doing stupid shit. Like for instance he mused, he had apparently carefully unwound the protective cans from the trees around him, rendering them useless. (Apparently drugged up Kevin was more ready to die than sober Kevin.) On high alert he quickly scanned the rest of his makeshift camp searching for intruders. And find one he did. They were near him, close enough to touch and although he was plenty scared of this new situation he wasn’t as frantic as he otherwise would have been (presumably because they looked just as shocked as he did.) He wondered if they had thought him dead, the discarded needle in the dirt next to him probably didn’t help matters. His high having dissipated in the night and with the appearance of this rando in his camp he was really craving another hit. The dull ache of his head made him feel unprepared to do much of anything about the situation so he opted to casually sit up and smile, though he supposed, it probably looked more like a grimace, (god his blood felt like it was throbbing through him.)

[thxblacksheep]

Jeffery was a wanderer by nature and tended to go about the world with a clouded mind. He found early morning walks to be relaxing when he had a joint to smoke while out and about. He rarely was ever awake by this time so it was like a rare treat.“Damn.. what I wouldn’t give for a guitar or and Ipod.. just some music.” He sighed. It’d been a while since there was anything more than screams filling the air. 

“Whats this?” Jeffery was caught off guard by the reflection of sunlight off of metal. The glint was enough to blind him momentarily “Fuck!” He ran his hands across the ground and found the string that attached to what seemed to be some sort of cans. “What??” That wasn’t the  oddest part he found they weren’t cut or anything just removed from their rightful place. This morning was already panning out to be more interesting than the last. Jeffery pressed only a little further before catching a glimpse of the dead man that laid sprawled out on the ground. 

“Man.. I guess I was too late..” At that moment he noticed a case just out of his reach. “They won’t mind if I just..” He crouched over the body and began to reach for the case as the corpse took a breath. “Shit!” He had to keep from shouting. He just stood there dumb founded as the figure snapped awake and scanned their camp making direct eye contact with him. He was the first to smile and that took Jeffery back a bit. “Umm… you want a hit?” He extended the olive branch of peace with his spliff. “You look like you could use one.”

[copper-choked-capillaries-blog]

His grin widens and he stretches, human interactions were so nice in the morning. “Wowzers, we’ve only just met and you already know me too well” Winking at the other man he reaches out and takes the joint. As he places it to his lips and takes a hit he lets his mind process whatever the fuck was going on. The guy in front of him already looked fucked up, eyes ringed red and it was early. He could spot a subtle addict, but any idiot could spot this one. Kevin’s mind whirred as the pot took effect. Handing the spliff back he also gave his name. “I’m Kevin or Kevy and lemme just say it is already spectacular knowing you.” Running a hand through his hair he stands, slowly exiting his sleeping bag. Head pounding and veins throbbing he feels slightly nauseous. His eyes close tightly as he attempts to get his bearings. “Sorry what’s your name?” His left hand reaches up and press’s into the side of his head trying to ease the pain. Kevin couldn’t understand why he was in so much pain, he pulled stupid stunts like this all the time, staying up to all hours, spending the night high but this pain. It was different and it fucking sucked. He supposed he must have smashed his head at some point and still continued on to sleep. However to say he was intrigued by the other man would be one hell of an understatement. The other was an addict like himself but what brand he had yet to find out. Kevin was curious and the weed was taking the edge off which he was eternally grateful for.

[thxblacksheep]

“ People call me Jeff or Jeffrey,” He paused and took back the joint, “Nice to meet you Kevin.” Jeffrey noticed the way his new buddy cradling his head. “You drink to much or just coming down hard?” He thought to himself that he might have something to help if it was the latter, but he knew better than to share to much about his saddle bag lest it be spirited away. Jeffrey looked about the camp site and the lone sleeping bag wondering to himself if this man was alone. He couldn’t help but worry a bit about Kevin because he saw himself in the sad eyes laid back upon him. “It’s not safe to travel alone..” He stopped short of finishing the sentence, “Well it’s not like I have room to judge though.” He took a seat on the ground across from him and took another drag before handing the joint back over to Kevin.

[thxblacksheep]

[copper-choked-capillaries-blog]

Open starter!

E m p t i n e s s: it’s all he knows. There’s a pit,( somewhere around where his stomach must be) and everything…everything always falls down it, but it will never fill up. He supposes it’s as if he just keeps eating but instead of feeling full and happy he just feels worse now that his crackers are gone. As if he had an emotional attachment to those fucking crackers and then they left him. Just like his mother. Or every foster parent who ever let him hope. Just to withdraw that hope like the fists that swung backwards to gain momentum and collide with his cheek. Like his brother, Gallen. Of course eating the crackers was his fault to begin with. If he hadn’t eaten them, they would still be here. Because at the end of the day, the loss of everyone around him had been his fault. His fault for being nothing but garbage to his mother. His fault for being too fucking mouthy. His fault for letting one of the fucking rotters eat his only family. Everyone was gone because of him. Everyone… At least he still had his safety items. They would never leave him. It’s dark when Kevin sets up the jangling cans around his sleeping bag. Tonight he doesn’t give a flying fuck about danger. Tonight he opens up his Just In Case kit and wraps his handy dandy ace bandage around his lower arm before he inserts the already prepared needle into his arm. Sometimes the heroin makes him feel like he isn’t useless. Sometimes it makes him feel like the hole inside him is closing off. He feels so l i g h t and god forbid. Happy. He’s stupid high and he doesn’t care about rotters or getting away he only gives a fuck about his needles, and the substance that spreads through his blood so quickly. Filling him. He’s shaking as he lies down, and he suddenly feels a hot flash of shame. Gallen wouldn’t have wanted this, Gallen would n o t have wanted this. He feels like he’s flying. Eventually he sleeps, dreaming that the stars are his salvation. Kevin’s first coherent thought upon wakefulness, as it had been every morning since the start, was ‘please let me wake up’. He (as always) had to put a real concerted effort into opening his eyes and as they did every morning, they widened ever so slightly at the realization that, despite his meager protection, (courtesy of his suicidal tendencies) he was actually still alive. The night before he had been lucky, really lucky because god he had this habit of getting high and doing stupid shit. Like for instance he mused, he had apparently carefully unwound the protective cans from the trees around him, rendering them useless. (Apparently drugged up Kevin was more ready to die than sober Kevin.) On high alert he quickly scanned the rest of his makeshift camp searching for intruders. And find one he did. They were near him, close enough to touch and although he was plenty scared of this new situation he wasn’t as frantic as he otherwise would have been (presumably because they looked just as shocked as he did.) He wondered if they had thought him dead, the discarded needle in the dirt next to him probably didn’t help matters. His high having dissipated in the night and with the appearance of this rando in his camp he was really craving another hit. The dull ache of his head made him feel unprepared to do much of anything about the situation so he opted to casually sit up and smile, though he supposed, it probably looked more like a grimace, (god his blood felt like it was throbbing through him.)

[thxblacksheep]

Jeffery was a wanderer by nature and tended to go about the world with a clouded mind. He found early morning walks to be relaxing when he had a joint to smoke while out and about. He rarely was ever awake by this time so it was like a rare treat.“Damn.. what I wouldn’t give for a guitar or and Ipod.. just some music.” He sighed. It’d been a while since there was anything more than screams filling the air. 

“Whats this?” Jeffery was caught off guard by the reflection of sunlight off of metal. The glint was enough to blind him momentarily “Fuck!” He ran his hands across the ground and found the string that attached to what seemed to be some sort of cans. “What??” That wasn’t the  oddest part he found they weren’t cut or anything just removed from their rightful place. This morning was already panning out to be more interesting than the last. Jeffery pressed only a little further before catching a glimpse of the dead man that laid sprawled out on the ground. 

“Man.. I guess I was too late..” At that moment he noticed a case just out of his reach. “They won’t mind if I just..” He crouched over the body and began to reach for the case as the corpse took a breath. “Shit!” He had to keep from shouting. He just stood there dumb founded as the figure snapped awake and scanned their camp making direct eye contact with him. He was the first to smile and that took Jeffery back a bit. “Umm... you want a hit?” He extended the olive branch of peace with his spliff. “You look like you could use one.”

[thxblacksheep]

JEFFREY BLACKSHEAR MEMORIES

Ranch days, If only I could find the one of me and dad.

[thxblacksheep]

Not another day | Open starter

[induratizc]

“My knight?” Jeffery took to his feet with little to no grace just about falling in on himself. He had to reach out and grab her hand to steady himself. “Thanks..I never caught your name..” He knew very well that she had yet said it but it was not in his nature to trust someone new. Let alone someone whom had yet shared their name. He took back his smoke and took a long drag, smiling after the initial exhale. “That’ll do it.” He took another hit and took in his surroundings. With a smirk he and a slight jaunty tone he said’ “I didn’t know anyone was still reading Yelp..” With a quick glance it was as if it had gotten brighter. He couldn’t recognize anything around him, was this the same place he laid down to die? “ Do you at least know where the hell we are? I’m from Gillette, and I’m not even sure what city I’m in.. “

With feet planted firmly on the ground, Carly managed to get him upright, although with his height and stature, it was no small feat. He looked like something out of a men’s model catalog or something and if he hadn’t been so tweaked out of his mind, she may have just told him that. However, she was far too focused on getting him to his feet than what he looked like. “Carly.” She stated firmly, glancing up at him, noting the way his eyes looked. They reminded her of her mother’s; widened and dilated pupils and a lack of any awareness at all. “Not really sure where Gillette is but we’re in Cheyenne; Wyoming’s capital, I think. How did you end up here?” She asked, though suddenly realized he probably had no idea. “Do you have anyone with you? Somewhere to stay around here? Jesus,” She sighed, “What’s your name?”

[thxblacksheep]

“People call me Jeff, or Jeffery.” He almost thought about using a fake name. He didn’t know this girl from Adam, but there was an air about her he couldn’t help himself except to be honest. He took another puff of his cigarette, “Cheyenne?!” He ran his fingers through the nappy mess that his hair had become as he exclaimed. “Well that explains a lot but..” He couldn’t finish his thought. “What’s making that noise?” He pointed at the trees behind the her as it seemed to be the source. He began to panic.. with racing heart he ran through the possibilities. It could be the dead or.. no.. Is she working with someone? He began to sweat if only his mind wasn’t so cloudy. “Why are you out here alone, or helping me?” he took a step back scanning her up and down and looked back to the trees.

[thxblacksheep]

Not another day | Open starter

[induratizc]

Darkness had consumed him it was all he had become. no tunnel of light or gates waited for him. Jeffery had made what peace he needed and was ready to just pass on. But even on the brink of death this figure wouldn’t let up.  His eyes opened briefly to her taking out the zombie that could have ended his pain. darkness again only with words was the silence and peace he had found broken.

The world around his snapped back into focus in an instant. Th word mauled brought back memories of his last day at home his fathers cry’s in agony still fresh on his mind.”Mauled..?” he rasped through a leaden chest. “Over my dead body,” he chuckled,” Well that’s the point ain’t it?”  WAIT, his thought weren’t quite straight but, WHO THE HELL IS THIS CHICK. He tried to stand but with the drugs in his system he was nothing but a cumbersome mess. “Who.. are.. you?” his breathing becoming slightly panicked “What do you.. want from me?”

He ignored what could have been concern in her last question. In a world filled with the undead what is there to live for? He’d just lay there forever if it was up to him but seems fate had other ideas. He slid a hand behind his ear and pulled out what was the last cigarette in his possession and paused before lighting it with his only remaining match. “You.. wouldn’t happen to have a light would you?” Talking was becoming easier the more he focused on it and he felt it was a time to break words.

Self-pity; what was it good for? Carly could have spent her entire life pissed at the world and pitying her life and how it ended up. And, sure, she did for a time and maybe she was still angry and bitter in a lot of ways but THIS was something else entirely. This was almost self-sacrificing with no reason. She had half a mind to leave him here; who was she to save someone who didn’t want to be saved? But, Carly was the type of person to think about others in situations and what if Kit had been this man? She would want someone to save him. Maybe that whole bullshit cosmic coming full circle karma shit could do her some justice..

“I’m your knight and fucking shining armor, pal. You’ll look back and thank me for this. If you don’t, I’m giving you a terrible Yelp review.” Aah, there was her humor. It didn’t take long to retrieve. She watched as he attempted to stand but to no avail and she sighed loudly, shaking her head. She was going to have to get physical, wasn’t she? God damnit. “And I don’t want anything from you. All I want is to get you out of the woods and into some shelter before your stomach is turned inside out. I don’t need that shit on my conscience. So let’s go.” She grabbed at his belongings before reaching down to grasp his arm, far more direct than maybe she should. She didn’t know him, didn’t know what he was capable of and, yet, this scene was all the too familiar. Her mother had been a mess worse than this too many times to count.

“If you stand up, yes.” She picked the cigarette from his fingertips and placed it in her mouth, now taking out her matches as she lit the tip, taking a deep inhale ( she deserved this for dealing with this right now ) and passed it back to him.

[thxblacksheep]

“My knight?” Jeffery took to his feet with little to no grace just about falling in on himself. He had to reach out and grab her hand to steady himself. “Thanks..I never caught your name..” He knew very well that she had yet said it but it was not in his nature to trust someone new. Let alone someone whom had yet shared their name. He took back his smoke and took a long drag, smiling after the initial exhale. “That’ll do it.” He took another hit and took in his surroundings. With a smirk he and a slight jaunty tone he said’ “I didn’t know anyone was still reading Yelp..” With a quick glance it was as if it had gotten brighter. He couldn’t recognize anything around him, was this the same place he laid down to die? “ Do you at least know where the hell we are? I’m from Gillette, and I’m not even sure what city I’m in.. “

[thxblacksheep]

Not another day | Open starter

“How many more days can I do this?” A question that was becoming all to familiar in his desperate mind. Jefferey longed for the smiles and warmth of his family once again but knew that day wouldn’t come to pass.The world is what he would would give to be back on the family ranch atop a horse again with his father at his side… It’s been months since he had even seen any wildlife.His stomach roared with anticipation for food, “ When did I last eat?” It’ll be another length of time before he could remedy that. Instead he let his mind wonder as did his hand into the dusty saddle bag tossed upon the ground; A can of tuna, Two water proof matches, A spoon, A syringe and a litany of illicit drugs awaited him inside.

Keep reading

[induratizc]

 Traveling home from seeing Kit, she was always mindful of where she was and how loud she was being. With the alarm system having gone off only a few days prior, Cheyenne was flooded with the undead, at least much more than there were before. It wasn’t unmanageable but she came across a walker at least every few steps and turns, her hunting knife sliding into their temple before falling limp on the ground. It was mindless now, wasn’t it? – Nobody really cared any longer for the intensity and moral high ground of avoiding killing walkers. They weren’t human anymore, of course, but it still had been difficult in the beginning. Even for Carly, a child brought up in harsher environments, she still couldn’t quite keep her food down for the first few times. How long had it been now? Four years? Now she put down walkers like she was pulling weeds out of the ground; it was without much emotion behind it.

However, she heard the footsteps of someone human, that much she could tell by their placement and rhythm of steps. It was so easy now to tell whether certain footsteps were human or not. Carly immediately ducked behind a tree, her eyes peering over to first watch before conversing. With the threat of raiders in Cheyenne, you could never be too careful and while most living people in Cheyenne were friendly, it wasn’t a risk Carly was willing to take. However, she watched as he dropped his belongings, her brows furrowing forward as he took out a needle and powder. “Jesus..” She whispered, too low for him to hear from so far away. He wasn’t really going to do this here, was he? There weren’t any undead around at the moment but surely that wouldn’t last forever?

“What the fuck?” She came out from beneath the tree, glancing down at the man as she neared him. “You realize you can get mauled out here right?”And just like that, Carly heard the shuffling of feet, now turning to see a walker rounding a tree and coming straight for them. She immediately, just like before, shoved her knife through its temple and pushed it over away from them. She dramatically glared back at him, chest rising and falling with heavy breath. “Are you trying to die?”

[thxblacksheep]

Darkness had consumed him it was all he had become. no tunnel of light or gates waited for him. Jeffery had made what peace he needed and was ready to just pass on. But even on the brink of death this figure wouldn’t let up.  His eyes opened briefly to her taking out the zombie that could have ended his pain. darkness again only with words was the silence and peace he had found broken.

The world around his snapped back into focus in an instant. Th word mauled brought back memories of his last day at home his fathers cry's in agony still fresh on his mind.”Mauled..?” he rasped through a leaden chest. “Over my dead body,” he chuckled,” Well that’s the point ain’t it?”  WAIT, his thought weren’t quite straight but, WHO THE HELL IS THIS CHICK. He tried to stand but with the drugs in his system he was nothing but a cumbersome mess. “Who.. are.. you?” his breathing becoming slightly panicked “What do you.. want from me?”

He ignored what could have been concern in her last question. In a world filled with the undead what is there to live for? He’d just lay there forever if it was up to him but seems fate had other ideas. He slid a hand behind his ear and pulled out what was the last cigarette in his possession and paused before lighting it with his only remaining match. “You.. wouldn’t happen to have a light would you?” Talking was becoming easier the more he focused on it and he felt it was a time to break words. 

[lvlyvamp]

Destruction is a form of creation

Renewal is needed. Killing your past is a good place to start. Starting over and living the life you desire is the place to be. So go ahead, do what you desire, kill your past and leave it all behind you.

[thxblacksheep]

Not another day | Open starter

“How many more days can I do this?” A question that was becoming all to familiar in his desperate mind. Jefferey longed for the smiles and warmth of his family once again but knew that day wouldn’t come to pass.The world is what he would would give to be back on the family ranch atop a horse again with his father at his side... It’s been months since he had even seen any wildlife.His stomach roared with anticipation for food, “ When did I last eat?” It’ll be another length of time before he could remedy that. Instead he let his mind wonder as did his hand into the dusty saddle bag tossed upon the ground; A can of tuna, Two water proof matches, A spoon, A syringe and a litany of illicit drugs awaited him inside.

“I’m stronger than this!” He was only lying to himself, “I should toss this shit in th river!” Jeffery knew better. He drew back as if to hit the mound on the floor of the gazebo he was using for shelter, but stopped short. “Well one bump wont hurt.” Out he pulled a small vial of an off white powder slightly yellow in tint. “At least I won’t feel it if anything were to go wrong.” He removed his belt and strung it snug. The leather dug into his skin with a bittersweet sting. “I don’t think I can do it any more.” He was back to that thought again and with a slight shake his wrist did all the work. One gram more than intended would now enter his veins. 

He assumed the position he had learned so well as he prepped his dose. Melting it so with the antique spoon he had found at his old homestead. “Dad would kill me right now..” He stopped in respect of the man, but only for a second before sucking the spoon dry. It’d almost be a beautiful day to die if there wasn’t the undead walking so near. And without a moments notice he drove the needle into the familiar marks with adorned his arm as if badges of suffering. As he sunk into the world that grew darker around him he heard the voice of a stranger in some garbled gibberish...