[This fic was requested anonymously, I hope it is to everyone’s liking. I love you all!]
I understood his process, I was fascinated by it even… but it didn’t mean I always liked it. It didn’t mean it was always easy on all parties, it didn’t mean that I didn’t worry about him because I did. With artists the line between far and too far is always blurred, when you surpass the one line you just draw another, and then another. I couldn’t tell him not to be who he was, just like he couldn’t tell me to stop being who I am. He had to understand the character in every conceivable way… but still I worry.
“Hey, Jared?” I knocked on the door.
“Not right now,” his voice was softer, I could hear the southern accent he had been working on.
For a second I wasn’t sure if it was Jared in there but I knew it was, I had watched him stay up all night watching interviews of Chapman. Helping him was always fascinating because suddenly Jared would just be gone and I felt like I was talking to someone completely new.
“Jared, I brought you a hot chocolate,”
I was met with silence for a few seconds and then the door opened a crack. He looked out at me and I smiled, holding up the mug.
“Thank you, Y/N, that’s very kind.”
He took the mug from me and shut the door. Going over to sit on the couch I pulled The Catcher and the Rye out of my purse so I could finish it. The more I knew about the film and the man he was playing, the more I would understand where he was going and the more involved with his process I could be.
***
I had fallen asleep on the couch shortly after finishing, only to be woken up when Jared lifted me into his arms. I looked up at him bleary-eyed, smiling slightly and I stroked his cheek.
“Hey baby, what time is it?” I asked, and he tucked me into bed before climbing in beside me.
“Late, very late,” he grumbled.
His tone held traces of pain and I sat up, moving to the end of the bed.
“Y/N, it’s fine-”
“Shhh,” I began to massage around the area’s of swelling by his feet, according to the doctors as a result of the rapid weight gain he had managed to give himself gout.
“This doesn’t bother you?” He asked.
I glanced up, surprised that he would ask such a thing. Or perhaps it was his characters own insecurities that made him ask this question. Even still, I was taken aback.
“No, why would it?”
“I don’t know, I mean, I just-”
“Jared… this is who you are. If who you are bothered me would I really be here right now? You’re an artist, your body, your mind, your voice, every part of you is a canvas waiting for its next creation. I love you, I love everything you are and everything you will be, it’s just that simple,” I said with a shrug, glancing down.
He was silent for a long time before shifting, he tilted my chin up so I was looking at him and he placed a kiss on my lips.
“You’re incredible,”
Wrapping my arms around his neck I kissed him again, smiling when he pushed me back onto the bed and settled himself over top of me. I had grown accustomed to the weight of him on top of me and found an odd sense of comfort in it.
“Aren’t you tired?” I laughed lightly.
“Never with you,” he whispered.
***
“Bad time?” Shan asked, walking into the flat.
“You just missed him, he went out to grab some food before heading to set, so technically it is a great time.”
He gave me a kiss on the cheek, before plopping down beside me. Shannon came over on Tuesdays, sometimes with Tomo to keep me company when I wasn’t working. We’d talk about everything from what he was up to, to what I was up to, we’d talk about Jared, we’d talk about life, and occasionally watch a movie or go for sushi. I loved Shannon like he was my own brother and I’d like to think he was equally fond of me. It was nice having him around, especially when Jared secluded himself more.
“How is he?”
I pursed my lips, “He’s going to some dark places, last night was a good night, but… he wants to be alone so often and I get it. I do. He needs to understand Chapman, but it- I don’t know.”
“Hey, I get it. To be honest you’re probably handling this better than anyone else would. You’re researching the guy for fuck sakes,” he laughed lightly and I smiled.
“You got this, Y/N, I know you do.”
***
“Hey, hey! Baby, jesus,” I stroked his back as he dry heaved a few times.
“He’s disgusting, he’s disgusting, I understand but he’s-”
I clutched him to my chest, running my fingers through his hair and swallowing back my own emotions.
“It’s okay, it’s okay, you have just a little left,” I whispered softly.
I wished I could understand completely what he was going through but I didn’t, I could only be there, I could only try.
***Time Skip, 2011 Jared has been given the role of Rayon in Dallas Buyers Club***
“Now what’s wrong?” He asked, and I couldn’t help but be mesmerised.
I think this was a record amount of time he had stayed in character without breaking, it had gotten to the point where I had found a weird sort of friendship with his character. It would be bittersweet to lose Rayon even if I knew she was all Jared.
“It just scares me a bit that you won’t eat a thing. I know why, I know why, so I’m not going to tell you to stop,”
He took my hands in his and pulled me to him, his smile was so sweet and so kind, “Honey, you are the sweetest thing, but I’m gonna’ be just fine. Don’t you worry about a thing, okay?” Rayon Jared said softly.
I nodded, his nose brushing against mine and I kissed him softly. “I’m really proud of you, you know that right? For taking on this role… for putting your heart and soul into it. You’re making a masterpiece with her, you know that right?” I asked, feeling like I could break him if I squeezed him too hard.
He traced my face with his fingertips and hugged me gently, “I’m glad you think so, Y/N. I love you, baby.”
“I love you too, no matter what version of you I get.”
(I am insanely happy with this. I like the concept and will probably come back to the idea in the future but I hope you all like reading it as much as I liked writing it.)
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