Hrvy Wallbanger

This blog is stream of thought/emotional run off. I run a twitter with the same goal. Updated whenever the mood strikes me. I dont claim to be a good writer, things just feel better when I lay them out with the off chance someone could find it.

[tilleddirt]

Imagine all the years I’ve been through, sharp edges worn away like glass at the beach. Persistence of time eventually breaking through. I’m too tired to carry anything on my shoulders, so they dont slouch as much as they used to. And I cant remember what I used to keep there now. A freedom I could use in my youth.

What did I used to drag behind me? No ritual, no name, no purpose. Thoughts of names pull up empty syllables, caught in my throat like a snag line. But not choking me.

Whats worse was having little to learn from after all of it.

[tilleddirt]

I'll keep looking

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What have i done to have more beautiful moments in life?

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I want to fall apart

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I did not dream of you because I could not sleep. It wasnt your absence that kept me up.

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When you die, you may also be the last person to care about someone.

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You could be my sun.

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The only thing I want out of life is the feeling that I haven't been wasting it.

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Someone's pain became mine's too.

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I have to learn not to go through the motions again. But life is about learning as you go.

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I can say anything else I want, but I could tell there was no other way for this to end.

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Hands gone cold. Fog clears. Distance grows, as we wave from the growing shore.

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...and distance is all we have now.

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When I see you, i want to take your hand and squeeze it as hard as I possibly can. I want to believe you'll think I'll never let you go, that I'll never let you down. I want to know you'll still feel me there, reminding you that I'll be there when you want me to be. But words will always fail me, I will fail to make my moves. I will fear my greatest failures as I take my steps to get there. Because I know where the problems lie in me. And i cannot be there for you, if i cannot be there for myself.

[tilleddirt]

What if i startes just writing love letters to no one? Could it be enough to calm me down? Writing about what I want to do with someone? All the quiet moments that no one ever talks about, but stick out in your mind with such clarity because something so simple has never meant so much. I would of course be writing about a love I've never known, since my last relationship didn't really have that lasting passion. Not even my last serious relationship felt like a fire we would gladly let consume us. It was cold for longer than I care to remember, and all I've been looking for is something that could make me forget I've felt like that for so long. But circumstances and fear have kept me from this. Also, I feel I don't want to be the one to go after it this time. No, if it's important for you, I want to see it, so i don't throw myself into a dying fire again. This time I dont want to be the one with the tightest squeeze. I want to be whispered to. Soft, small hands over mine. Pulling my arms inward to surround you as you drift into sleep. Hair in my face, and close to my heart. It's more than just sex for me, it's when bodies press together so tight our warmth melts together. Unguarded moments that calm my nerves for the first time in the longest. So I can let go too.

[tilleddirt]

They seem unconcerned about those outside.

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Everyone is so afraid to get hurt.