john mulaney quotes rick riordan characters would say:
nico: i am very small and don’t have any money, so you can imagine the kind of stress that i am under
percy: can i please go home on an airplane
the gods: no! in fact, we’re gonna frame you for murder! and you’re gonna go to jail for 30 years!
percy: why are you doing this to me
the gods: because we’re the gods, and life is a fucking nightmare
thalia: hey can you help me out, i’m very gay and i’d like a few dollars
”hey, look at that high waisted man! he got feminine hips!”
apollo/lester: no! that’s something i’m sensitive about!
magnus: that’s what i thought you’d say, you dumb fucking horse
alex: sometimes babies will point at me, and i don’t care for that shit at all
annabeth: i’ll keep all my emotions right here, and then one day i’ll die
leo: i think i was supposed to be gay
sadie: hey, do you want me to kill that guy for you? okay, see you at improv class
carter: i’m one of the worst drivers i’ve ever seen. people expect to see a 100 year old blind dog who’s texting while driving and drinking a smoothie. instead they see a 28 year old healthy man trying his best
clarisse: shut up! you’re all gonna die! street smarts!
travis and conner: give us some money! we want a gift, but only if it’s money!
jason: i just wanna sit here and feed my birds