theshadowprovesthesunshine @timberlog - Tumblr Blog

Updates

It’s been 4 days since I’ve talked to her. That’s a win!!! Also, I’m re-watching Brooklyn Nine-Nine. Captain Holt is my favourite character in that show.

Back at work and it’s been suuuuuper quiet, but it allows me to catch up on the paperwork I’ve missed since I got Covid.

It's 4:53 in the morning. And I can't get out of my own head.

Self-isolation Is Great!!!

Since contracting Covid, I have obviously been self-isolating. And it’s literally torture. I mean, I did need a break from work, but not being able to go out and do anything kinda kills the vibe.

99% of what I’ve been doing is playing Pokemon Brilliant Diamond. Specifically breeding Pokemon. That’s right...I have turned into Brock from the original Pokemon series (but waaaaaay less pervy). Having said that, I’ve also started watching the original Pokemon series on Netflix and boy does it bring back memories.

My favourite episode has to be the one where the Pokemon get separated from their trainers and have their own conversations (with subtitles) with each other. It totally gives them their own personalities and everything. So cute!

Hopefully, I’ll be going back to work soon because my symptoms have gone down and I’m feeling way better.

Whelp. The New Year started out great! Turns out I have Covid. And I have been self-isolating for 3 days now.

It really started out as a little tickle at the back of the throat. Not even a full on sore throat where it's hard to swallow because that would have sent up red flags and I would have definitely gotten tested beforehand. Just so happens that it is the busiest time of year for retail workers so I attributed much of my tiredness to the season.

It wasn't until I got hit with all the symptoms at once that I was like "something is seriously wrong with me now". I woke in a pool of sweat due to a fever, coughing, stuffed nose, and I barely had enough energy to get up to go to the bathroom.

Soooo...I've been home and catching up on gaming. Talking to friends I haven't talked to in awhile. But this is a new year, which means new year's resolutions!

I typically don't subscribe to any new year's resolutions because a) I usually fail at them b) they're not realistic and c) if I considered them something that I really needed to change, then I would.

This year is gonna be different because I've realized some of my behaviors that are destructive to me. So here it goes (and it really sucks that nobody reads this because nobody can really hold me accountable):

Learn to let it go - so I'm still in love with my ex...there, I said it. But I think the worst part of it is that I still talk to her. I don't want to just cut her out of my life. I believe as an adult, I should be able to be mature enough to maintain a platonic relationship and any feelings that I may still have is really just a culmination of my own insecurities and has nothing to do with her. She's not being anything other than friendly and she's not purposely trying to lead me on or entice me back. My mind get wrapped around talking with her, hoping to get any hint of her wanting to get back with me (and there really is none) and it destroys me! And I do this to myself!

So this resolution has layers. First layer is to limit myself when it comes to talking to her. This is crucial, because when I text her or anything like that, I turn into this naive little boy waiting impatiently for a reply, checking my phone every 10 seconds to see if she read it or whatever. It's pathetic, I know. So unless she is trying to talk to me. Don't text her. I fucking don't even wanna ask how her day was even though I still care!

Okay, layer two. Be happy that she's happy even when I'm miserable. So this layer is more about my mental state than a behavior. I think selfishly, I want her to be unhappy with her life so she can choose me (someone that hopefully had made her happy). This is a stupid way of thinking and I'm embarrassed to even write this. I need to keep telling myself that I want her to be happy even if it's not with me. She's never once really indicated to me that she's unhappy with being single or struggling with finding another guy (which I don't think she is). She's working on herself and that's probably the best thing for her right now anyway. So I need to be happy for her, even when I'm not happy.

Layer 3. Stop being such a recluse. I need to get out there and make friends which is increasingly hard to do during a pandemic and as an adult. Like seriously, I'm a likeable person. I may not be lovable, but I'm certainly likeable! I know enough general information and have a good sense of humor. So what the heck? I just need to maybe find somewhere to volunteer. Or something that devotes more of my time. Building up those relationships with other people.

So there it is. A three-layer resolution cake. Bake in the oven for 365 days at body temperature. You should have a new Tim by 2023.

Marvel Has Done It Again!! (Spider-man: NWH spoilers)

So I went to see Spider-man: No Way Home on opening night and boy it did not disappoint!

Sony was right to give up Spider-man, because whatever Disney/Marvel touches is absolute gold. And it’s not just the fact that it was coherent cinematic adventure. It’s the fact that the star power behind that movie was incredible. I don’t think any actor would have signed up for their previous roles if they didn’t read such an incredible script or if Disney/Marvel wasn’t at the helm.

So kudos to the unsung heroes of movies: the writers and casting directors.

This movie was definitely fan service and it made up for all the Spider-man movies that have been rebooted and recast and rewritten. It gave proper respect to the past movies which I think would be hard to do since telling people who your favourite Spider-man actor can have such a polarizing effect.

I’ve always thought that playing a good superhero means that you play the alter ego well too. I still stand by that statement which means I think that Tom Holland’s Spider-man is the best Spider-man. Tobey Maguire played an excellent Peter Parker, but I thought his performance as Spider-man was a little lack luster. While Andrew Garfield’s Spider-man was on point, but his Peter Parker was a little too cool for my tastes. Like most superheroes that have alter egos, the problem they’re constantly facing is their identity (apart from saving the city/world from supervillains). The identity of Peter Parker has always been a nerdy, geeky, loser type character. The one who gets bullied in school and the one who pines after the most beautiful girl. Give him the powers of spider and now he becomes more confident, wise-cracking, and does the things that he’s wanted to do under the guise of his counterpart. I think that Tom Holland played those parts so well, because you are essentially playing two different characters with one core psyche.

Anyway, watch it if you haven’t seen it. I hope I didn’t spoil too much!!

I'm struggling. I'm struggling with loneliness. I'm struggling with sleeping without someone next to me. Something I did not know I would struggle with.

I don't know how to deal with what I'm feeling, because I just want to go back to when I was actually happy.

I miss my cat.

And I cry more than I'd like to admit.

the plight of online dating

So being newly single and not having dated for the better part of a decade, the landscape has changed a lot. And when I mean a lot, I mean the landscape went from arboreal forest to barren desert.

I’m actually terrible at dating. I don’t know what I’m doing, I’m awkward, and I don’t know how to read signals. I’ve been lucky enough to connect very well with my last two relationships, so I’ve never had to ACTIVELY search for someone to date.

As such, a few things have become apparent to me:

1. Unless you pay, dating apps are useless.

2. The women on dating apps look like professional models and are way out of my league.

3. I’m not attractive.

4. Online profiles never really tell the whole story.

So I realize the last one is necessary for dating apps because the online profile is supposed to just spark interest and then a meaningful conversation begins as a result of it.

But if I were to be brutally honest, my profile would read:

Hello, I’m Tim. I’m broken and I suffer from depression and anxiety. But despite that, I have a lot of love to give. I’m the biggest geek, I’m overweight and squishy, but I can cook! I don’t take things too seriously, but it doesn’t mean I’m irresponsible. I like to see people happy even when my own happiness is at stake. I don’t have a high paying job, but it makes happy and I have my own car (it’s not a Tesla). So if you’d like to take a life journey with an imperfect, non-stereotypical Asian guy (I’m 6′2″), please contact me.

I can't sleep. There's just too many thoughts and emotions running through me it's keeping me up.

The sad part is I don't know what to do with them.

I think I need to speak to someone about it.

The ending of a relationship is trauma. And I think most people can agree with that. If you don't, then maybe you didn't invest enough in that relationship to actually lose something. It's trauma because I'm trying to stop the bleeding, vigorously putting bandages over wounds that refuse to heal. They refuse to heal because I'm revisiting all those feelings of what could have been. The frustration of feeling alone. The fleeting memories of when I was happy. I spend my days and nights trying to fight back the demons in my head, always telling me that I'm not good enough. That I will never be good enough.

Ugh, I wish I could sleep. 😫

Today I was excited. I was excited to go out for lunch with some old friends and it was good. I don't find that I get excited for a lot of things anymore. And if that sounds depressing, it is.

The last few months have been trying on me mentally. I'm newly single again and have moved back to my hometown finding that a lot has changed in the better part of a decade that I've been away.

Adjusting is hard and as I grow older I'm finding that change becomes more and more difficult. Whether it's environmental, social, familial, or economic, change is unavoidable.

"Change is good!" That's what I always hear people say. But is it? I think that quote is too overly simplistic. I think growing in your change is good. Because losing your job is not intrinsically good but it is definitely a change. But finding out what your passion is and re-evaluating what you want to do for a career is good.

So maybe I need to take my own medicine and try to grow through this change, even though it's difficult.

on the last episode of Tim’s life...

Oh boy...so it’s been a super long time since I’ve updated this blog. And I definitely know that no one is checking this. So I’m free to basically write whatever I want to my hearts content or discontent. Hah! I guess I’ll be back to update this. I really feel like I’m talking to myself at this point...