(24 hours after receiving the news of Sinaās passing)
I want a better relationship with God
I do feel like my faith is strong but somehow my relationship feels fractured
These people who claim to have a good relationship with God I wonder
Who decided that? Is it up to oneself? Where do I acquire this certainty that God even wants a relationship with ME? Seems a bit pushy no?
Iām only joking a bit btw
Maybe it is my grandmothers fault
She made spiritual descriptions, God being a light that lives within us all, a very philosophical explanation for a child, itās present in my mind after all these years; a soft glow washing over the clouds, making their contours light up. golden
It makes it hard to understand, These organizations around religion
How does one like what they like
Sick, questionable things in bed and
Alcohol, gluttony, how do you indulge in rage and still believe so firmly that heaven awaits? I believe. I believe in good, I believe in an entity that works completely on its own, seperate from anything even close to us mortals. Itās jarring having religion so close to you, your heritage, I would kneel and pray with my grandmother so often that she sewed me my own chador, be such a foreign concept now. It does not help, the rampant amount of Islamophobia spewed by Iranians.
Nevertheless I canāt see how people so easily attach themselves to the divine. I can attach myself to nature, to the rocks and the trees and the earth - all inherently divine. But Godliness? True, potent-something above and beyond nature-Godliness? What do I have to do with any of it? I am but a mere woman of flesh and blood and grease and dirt. When I lie on the grass, that is my church. So purely, obviously crafted by God
This is not a question disguised as criticism or to pathologize the people who do. Itās an expression of wishful thinking. It is one of my greatest wishes to find belonging in the context of religion, the same way I did in politics when I was younger. I almost feel as if truly religious people are scared of me. Maybe it is because they can sense my unGodliness.
In some strange way I do feel like me and God have some sort of understanding. Like me and my grandmother. There is no one in the world that has made me feel more like I am loved, completely unconditionally. Iāve never felt like I owe her anything, she has never once asked me of anything. Just poured her love into me, my lifeline. I get teared up thinking about her no matter the context. There are certain things I am sure she pretends not to notice about me. Things that would get the family talking. Deviances. But she will never acknowledge them, and neither am I, because our relationship is above that stuff anyway. I know that deep in her heart she knows, sheās just trying to protect the both of us.
In light of a terrible tragedy that recently hit my family, she has been ill with grief. The most God fearing woman I know threw her hands up and questioned the Almighty with two simply words:
The anger, the betrayal, the pain and wrath pierced through the air, as if though the sentence left a gush of wind after itself and I thought to myself. The other side of complete devotion is this, always. Like a parent that loves you very much, the child dares to object. Because they have raised you in such a safe environment to express your emotions, you start saying things like āI hate you mumā when things go south. Godmum? MumGod. Only a child with a secure attachment would dare utter such a thing and know that theyāll still be loved. The rest of us are too scared.
The creator of her world, the architect, had failed her. She, who has the most divinity inside of her than anyone I have ever met. It made the hair on my arms rise. No one is safe. The condition of life is this; we all die. Now, in the same breath, she will also prompt between weeping: āGod, give me strengthā.
A testimony to the paradox that is faith. This sort of ease within the ambivalence, I have only seen in people that have grown up with religion within a context. There is a church, or a mosque, or a temple or a place it all connects. A scripture, well read. I ask and I feel imposing
I go to the places where divinity is said to live and I know I am not welcome by people who either expect me to join or get the fuck out. Maybe I belong to a less developed specimen. Less sophisticated. Still, I wonder, Where does the lone believer go?
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