The Faithfulness of Black Friends
I have been extremely fortunate in my life to have friends of various races, nationalities, cultural backgrounds, and different life experiences. Those I consider my closest friends show that diversity.
Most people, regardless of their friends’ backgrounds, have likely had similar experiences to me of incredible friendships, momentary friendships, and broken friendships that may not have been friendships at all whether we knew it or not.
With now decades of experience wading through friendships with people who looked like me and far more who did not, I can say, solely for myself, my Black friends have been the most faithful.
This is not something I had really thought about much until recently when I made a simple comment to one of my best friends Derrick: “In these days where you can ‘meet’ so many people online, I have had tons of people come and go in my life. You know who almost never goes? My Black friends. Regardless of when I met them.”
I have remained friends with a lot of people from my days at Syracuse University, reconnecting on another level recently thanks to Derrick and others. Although they will joke that I had no white friends at SU, it is true that almost all of the friends I am still connected to are Black. The only other two people I shared that statement with were two of my most recent and closest friends, both of whom are Black.
One, my friends G, responded in a way that I will never forget as it was both powerful and instructive: “I think there is a reason for that. Fictive kinship is strong in our community, it ties us together when we would otherwise drift apart… I think knowing that someone cares about you and shares in your beliefs or struggle sticks with you in a much more powerful way than some casual friendships. It’s hard to let those people go when it’s so easy to stay connected.”
Former Friends/Acquaintances Similar to the biblical story of Queen Esther, some friends are in our lives “for such a time as this.” It may be because of proximity, attending a similar school, fighting for a specific cause at a specific time, or for any myriad of reasons. Some people have served that role in my life as I am sure I have done in others. The connection was as strong as it needed to be at the time, but was not lasting, and distance may eliminate everything but memories.
Some people we are connected to through work or through their connection to someone else in our life. They can become lifelong friends or acquaintances. I lost a lot of acquaintances when I called the police domestic terrorists in 2014. Those were people who needed to go. It is never bad to purge people who don’t align with values that are most important to you, which in my case is racial justice and equality for all. At the same time, some of my closest friends have come through my work or through their connection to my wife or other incredible people in my life.
The most discouraging loss of friends is those who you think are close friends and may not have been friends at all. I have lost “friends” from New York to Atlanta to Chicago to Los Angeles who, over a given period of time, presented themselves as very close friends, but then ghosted as soon as they got something out of me they needed or wanted. They were never interested in a long-term friendship and to their credit, really made no effort to pretend they were even though I was in it for the long haul and valued them greatly. I struggle with whether they were friends “for such a time as this” or more likely, were simply fraudulent.
For the discouraging loss of friends in my own life, it simply does not include Black people (with one exception whose issue was more with me being accepting of another identity of theirs that he/she was not).
True and Lasting Friendships
I have been fortunate to be welcomed into so many spaces where people did not have to welcome me. After feeling like a total outcast in high school, I found a lot of people at SU who I could relate to. It was not only Black people, but there was always something different about those relationships, something deeper. So, it is not surprising that those are the friendships that have lasted.
I was the only white person at the church I attended in my college days, the True Vine of Church of God in Christ, and I was always made to feel like part of the True Vine family. I am still connected to three then-kids I met there, who are now grown men with their own families.
My most serious relationship in those years was with an amazing Black woman named Robin. I was honored to be invited to her birthday celebration on Zoom last week. We have maintained a friendship over the years and stayed close. There is power in that.
It’s hard for me to define what a true and lasting friendship is, but as I think we all do, I know it when I see it. For me it starts with loyalty and includes pushing me to be better while accepting myself at the same time, supporting me in good times and bad, and absolutely not being afraid to tell me when I’m wrong (my wife, my best friend Corey, and my close friends Javier and Carlos could teach a course on this). If you have Black friends, you may also have experienced that the latter comes with the territory!
What I have learned over my life so far is that whether a friendship with black people started in college or began last week, there is a level of depth that immediately comes with it and lasts for decades. I cannot imagine what my life would have been like, or would be like today, if not for the faithfulness of Black friends.
The Individual Traits to Build These Friendships
I sent my initial blog to three friends who are among the incredible and faithful Black friends in my life and got some consistent feedback that it would be disingenuous to not acknowledge my role in developing these friendships. That is not my style so I include this commentary to highlight the message that if you are legitimate and willing to put in the work to understand the racism they face without being able to personally experience it, doing so in love, that black friends will stand with you in ways that others may not.
The feedback: “Without the acknowledgement that there are characteristics you possess as someone not originally from the community, you run the risk of making generalizations. Although that may be seen as flattering in the Black community, it may be perceived as a fine line toward something of a blanket statement. It also introduces the potential to alienate non-people of color, as opposed to helping anyone teachable to take steps toward empathy and personal growth as you have.
This was along the same lines of feedback from another reviewer who said that though there is definitely a strong level of loyalty and faithfulness in the Black community, it is not given freely. It must be earned and that comes from showing up in love consistently everywhere, treating black friends the same in all situations, not just when with them alone or around other Black people.
These comments also aligned with what I heard a young, Black speaker at a Black Lives Matter protest I recently attended say. The speaker made it clear that if you are not Black, to truly support Black Lives Matter and Black people, you have to do more than show up at a protest and post on social media. You have to be willing to put in the work over the long haul. I can speak from experience that when you do that, you will reap rewards beyond your imagination.
