circles in deep waters

[livingfortherainydays]

[tinnytintin]

...

[c-isnenegro]

[hoseoch]

“what are you gonna do, cry about it?” yes . the fuck

[exceptionals]

me, every day: i just dont have the energy for this today

[tinnytintin]

still on six degrees of separation from memories, aren't we?

it's that time of the year again but the difference is i'm not there anymore and haay i really miss being there, one of the docu team, enjoying the privilege of being able to watch the showcase of talents up close, just enjoying the fleeting moments of 'tired yet fulfilled'--but perhaps let's just leave that be for now because just can't come back yet. i can just hope that one day, that day shall come when i already can...with a lighter heart i guess

there are really things that we miss and can still miss but we can't wish for anymore ey?

[tinnytintin]

sa harap ng isang baldeng tubig na may tabo

bigla na naman akong sinampal ng sarili ko. pati pala mga luha nagtatampo. kung kailan gusto silang pakawalan, saka naman nila ako tinataguan. gusto ko lang naman umiyak pero sa dami ng gustong iiyak, natulala na lamang ako sa kung paano gumagalaw ang tubig nang bahagya at inaalon ang tabo. habang yung tabo lumulutang, ako lunod na naman (pero minsan baliktad naman). kapag kaya kumawala ang mga luha kakayanin ko ring hindi malunod sa sakit ng bawat patak? charot. sa ngayon, ang mas tama sigurong tanong ko sa sarili ay kung kailan ba ako hindi na matatakot sa mga alon ng malalim nilang kinagisnan? ewan, masyado akong mahina. mahina para sa lahat at sa kahit anong bagay sa mundong pakiramdam ko ang tinatanggap lang ay ang mga hindi tulad ko. kaya, nakipagtitigan na lang ako ulit sa tabong inaalon sa loob ng baldeng nasa harap ko. wala pa ring nagbago.

[tinnytintin]

berdeng payong

sumabak ako kanina, sumubok uli sa unang pagkakataon mula nung huli akong nagkaroon ng lakas ng loob noong nakalipas na taon. naroon pa rin yung kaba at takot, nadagdagan pa nung dinamdam na naman ng malungkot kong puso ang pagiging maliit sa maliit na ngang mundo. ginawa ko ang dapat kong gawin. itinago na naman sa mga ngiti at pagtango ang mga luhang nais na naman kumawala bigla. pero mali parin pala ako, mas dapat pa lang ang ginawa ko ay yung alam kong kailangan hindi yung dapat lang. pero hindi ko rin alam kung anong mararamdaman ko sa sarili ko kasi kapag nasa laban ka na, kahit gaano ka kahanda kung nauna mo nang pinapasok ang lahat ng takot at kaba, matatalo ka talaga. kay rami ng gustong sabihin kanina pero hindi nasabi--magulo ang utak, wala nang pagkakataon. pero sa kabila ng lahat, isa na namang subok ang natapos at sa pag-uwi nang may lungkot sa puso at maliliit na patak ng luha sa may gilid ng mata, baon ko ang isa na namang karanasang hinarap kahit may takot nung una. hindi ko man alam kung ano ang kalalabasan nito, inilabas ko na sa aking bag ang berdeng payong na dala-dala ko at binuksan. hindi pa rin kalmado pero kahit kaunti, pakiramdam ko may kasama ako. at naglakad na muli ako.

[tinnytintin]

okay how the fuck can i calm myself at times when fears start creeping in again?? i mean, i was fine, well-- until i was reminded to do my best and all and to do this and that and woosh! --found myself drowning in anxiety again that i can't even eat my dinner properly anymore it's sad ugh cristine can we really do it??

[tinnytintin]

I found myself crying over a palindrome

After 02-02-2020, the next rare date palindrome will be on the next millenium. It's something not ordinary yet it opened [again] all common wonders I already have. What could possibly be the picture of the next millennium? Would the things we enjoy now be still there? Are we even going to be there? Could it be that the stars have finally aligned for us there?

But of course, I cannot possibly answer my own questions right now. While I was busy distracting myself from uninvited thoughts, instead of running from them, I was pulled backwards. Our college class group chat is currently active because my former classmates are busy sending files regarding law school subjects. And technically, I was that one classmate who tries hard not to exist but still remains noticed by my little circle icon that indicates I have read all the messages there. And I can't even reply because I can't relate and I don't feel entitled because almost everybody there are in law school now or are already working while I am home just barely breathing normally to survive each day that passes by. Of course, it's not their fault because they're just being kind helping each other out but it just made me sad how that simple thing triggered in me the feelings I always try to push away.

Suddenly, it was not only the day which is a palindrome. Plainly looking at my phone's screen while messages pop up, I found myself crying over a palindrome. And no matter what direction I look into it from, I get the same view.

Left to right, right to left; forwards to backwards, backwards to forwards. Nothing in the way I felt after graduation day has changed. It's a series of the same frustrations, disappointments, regrets, what ifs and the like. I still feel like the version of myself that I still wanna throw away.

And when I tried to come back to my thoughts of what the next millenium is going to look like, I sighed. On 03-03-3030, I just hope I can see how everything changed from here to there- one palindrome to the next, or if crying over it was even worth it.

[relatablepoetryandquotes]

“The truth is, some relationships are supposed to last forever, and some are only supposed to last a few days. That’s the way life is.” - Sophie Kinsella, Can You Keep a Secret?

[tinnytintin]

as the truth goes, people come and go bitches :/

[tinnytintin]

rn, i am listening to my heart of how hurt i am because i know those are the things and people i once loved but eventually tore me apart and even though it's sad, i can't do anything anymore about what already changed, can i?

[iglovequotes]

https://iglovequotes.net/

[relatablepoetryandquotes]

“She walked to work every day feeling starkly, conspicuously alone. It seemed that everyone else on the street had someone to keep them company, someone to laugh with and confide in and nudge in the ribs. All those packs of young girls who’d already figured everything out.” - Anne Tyler, Vinegar Girl

[tinnytintin]

sksksks most prolly me :/

[purplebuddhaproject]

“and you drink a little too much and try a little too hard. And you go home to a cold bed and think, That was fine. And your life is a long line of fine.”

— Gillian Flynn (via purplebuddhaquotes)

[tinnytintin]

[unsolicited sharing and open prayer] this is the 2020 start we didn't expect of

--but maybe we needed. or whatever but please😩

OKAY FORGIVE ME BUT MY ANXIETY TELLS ME IT MIGHT HELP IF I WRITE THIS HERE.

bush fires, rising inter-country tensions, floods, and now volcanic eruptions. dear the global emergency is really scary. god, if this is just only part of something bigger, please welcome all the most deserving into your hands so they may feel your warmth and in it they'd feel safe. but if all of this be just like warnings or wake up calls, give them a chance to understand and to know what to do when instances call them to decide🙏

it's really scary and I've never been this worried for the possible apocalypse that we, humans, have sparked. if this be our last life on earth, or maybe another chance, let's greet each other when we meet but yeah, okay i better stop so u guys, please stay safe wherever u are!

//and yeah, just saw some news of a batch of astronauts ready (or prepping) for their mission on mars so--idk but i better not share my thoughts bout it already. so long!

[tinnytintin]

lagi't lagi pagmamasdan ang buwan sa katahimikan ng kalawakan; kakausapin siya na parang pinakikinggan ng kawalan; maghihintay ng sagot na para bang mga bulong ay naiintindihan,

hanggang kailan?

[tinnytintin]

still not getting better and my life's still on unfathomable cracks yeah,, but at least conan gray's really doing great at what he loves to do and releasing his first album and he has a great best friend on his side and i'm just really really happy for him and--