Down the deep black rabbit hole that is depression. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. Why does this happen?
And how? How so fast. So quickly do you just suddenly fall back down. I feel as if I’m fine one minute and I can breathe. Breathe easy.
Suddenly I can’t breathe so easily. My chest is tight. The thought of a pen falling to the ground could send chills throughout my body and make me want to burst into a melt down.
I go from being so intune with all of my relationships. keeping up with emails, calls, text, social media and then boom.
Out of service. The number you’ve dialed is no longer in service.
I went to dinner tonight with my sister and ordered 4 pieces of shrimp and a side of steamed broccoli. Pretty much my go to everywhere. Well, they bring this bread to the table and I could feel myself just dying to eat it. Literally. I felt crazy. I had never felt more like I was fighting a battle with myself. It’s as if my “healthy self” was telling “Ed” or “Ana” to just eat a piece of the fucking bread. But I couldn’t, I just couldn’t because I already feel so fat. I’m so disgusted. I keep seeing pictures of myself from work parties and I’m so grossed out. I hadn’t had anything to eat all day because of life adult things I had to do and just didn’t have time which I N E V E R do. I was so hungry. But I could not eat the fucking bread. So I literally am to the point of almost crying over this stupid ass piece of bread that I then take the bread and throw it on my sisters plate and tell her, she needs to eat the damn bread. “Uh.. are you okay? Do… uh we need to go?”
I didn’t like set it on the plate, either. I picked it up and almost tore off a piece and then straight up threw it on her plate.
Well, shit. Hello, it’s me.
Crazy me is back. No I’m not okay. OKAY? I’ve been avoiding everyone and everything because how do you just tell people, people that love you, care about you and look up to you that you can’t talk right now because you’re to focused on losing weight and fighting with a voice in your head. Or what you’re told to say,
“I’m struggling with eating right now.”
What do you get then, “aw, it’s okay. I love you” “you’re beautiful, I wish you saw that “ “you’re so skinny, you’re gonna end up in the hospital” “aren’t you hungry?”
Same shit every time. None of that helps. Nothing anyone says is ever going to help. Ever.
Because it’s like this voice, the one that you hear when you’re unhealthy self is strong and powerful it was like, designed perfectly for you. For your brain, for your thought process
It knows the weaknesses, it knows you. It’s almost as if ana was personalized just for you. It’s created precisely to defeat you. Growing stronger every minute that goes by. Like a parasite.
Who knows. I’m just typing as I’m crying. I’m so tired of ruining friendships because I’m arguing with myself and obsessing over food and not eating. Avoiding seeing any of my friends because I know they will want to grab lunch or dinner & cocktails. I just can’t.
Friends don’t help you lose any weight.
The holidays are coming, as well. So that means, lots and lots of food. And lots of overly opinionated family members that are going to tell me I need to eat some fucking food and guess what? I’m going to have to eat some fucking food covered in fucking butter so everyone will shut the hell up.
So no, I can’t afford anything else. I just cannot handle being at the weight I’m at right now knowing this time last year I was 10 lbs lighter than I am right now. 10 lbs, exactly.
It’s driving me fucking insane.
I can’t even be around food right now without having a full blown panic attack inside my body.
Have you watched season 2 of Stranger Things, yet?
When the Shadow Monster takes over Wills body on the football field, you know the scene where he’s paralyzed and it’s just entering his body at full speed with so much energy and force? You feel itwatching the scene, it’s incredible honestly.
That’s exactly how I feel my negative thoughts hit me when I am around food right now and my unhealthy self starts gaining power at full speed ready to rip me to shreds. Me, the real me, the me who has friends and a life and let’s people feel like they matter because they do. So many of my friends probably wonder why I haven’t responded and it’s because I’m just so fucked up my right now and I have no idea how to say it and I’m just avoiding the problem by typing this out because I suck with communicating.
I feel so crazy for the conversations that take place in my head.
I am so tired from feeling as if I’m physically fighting with a stronger force that is myself.
I hate this. I hate me. I hate being this way. Why me?
I feel so alone. Always so alone.
So many love me but so many just don’t understand the hatred I have towards myself just outweighs everything. Even if it didn’t, the voice of Ana is just so much more powerful.
tangentwithtanner
yousharknotpass
izzy806
germansingergirl
