Keke's nerdy space

Looking for aesthetics and motivation

[tinykeke]

I've been doing so good, is scary

Wow, I did become the girl I always wanted to be. I once wished to go to therapy, and I went through something traumatic so now I'm going therapy, I wished to eat better, I got so fatigued that now I go to the nutricionist, I wished to do exercise and now my body hurts after the gym.

Is so nice to embrace change, yet so scary to see my body change. I can't help to get grateful but have certain feelings of cautious.

This month I did a lot:

I can go regularly to Starbucks!

I submitted myself in laser hair removal

I go to the gym once a week (I'm planning to go more)

I drink 2L of water

I sometimes feel fatigued but not much

I bought skin care!

I hope if I go into another dark time, all the things I'm building, can lift me up when I need.

[tinykeke]

It had been tough

When I see 2025 back, all I think is all the things I had to fight but also all the things I built.

I fought and won, and it left me tired, exhausted and fatigued...but I did many things I always wanted

I eat better, lots of carbs as the doctor said to gain muscles and energy

A better job with better ambient and payment

I go to the gym to gain muscles and more energy

I go therapy and I freely cry, healing all the guilt I carry

I never make new goals for any new year, but all the things I wanted became true, but it hurted a lot, I sacrificed a lot.

I feel like those anime characters that are defeated over and over again but they always stand up despite not being able to keep going and after all they win.

I feel like a soldier wining a war and now healings their wounds.

I have no big expectations for 2026, I see it more like life continuing it's natural course, but maybe I would wish not to punish me for what I do or I what I don't do.0

[ostinlein]

There are never too many dragons. Drew this summer

[eggsdoodz]

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[eggsdoodz]

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[magpierobin]

"How are you?"

I am haunted by my own awareness every single waking moment. Thanks for asking :-)

[glamoriized]

[tinykeke]

Hell yeah I'm surviving

I'm doing like shit, not gonna lie, sleep schedule is horrible!! I don't sleep and If I sleep...I wake up in the middle of the day. I have zero energy, I hate feeling fatigued!!!

It was my birthday recently and as a pentester I worked that day, I managed to do a whole attack on the client as a new pentester it was wild, don't worry everything is ethical lol

Yet I my guilt and all my traumas follow me like a ghost, is hard to keep on or appreciate beauty in life, I'm going therapy this weekend and I also go to the gym to get the fatigue out of me.

Cybersecurity had become a new passion for me but I wished my body and mind could help me continue working.

[quotefeeling]

“A lot can happen in a year.”

— Unknown

[tinykeke]

Lost in weird aesthetic that doesn't even combine

It's been taught these weeks, I did my best and I'm kinda not fatigued anymore:) I'm eating more I just need to do more exercise.

I've been nostalgic lately, remembering my happiest moments, and remembering when all went to shit, finding in my life a narcissist boss, a weird 45 - 50 woman...was horrible, I'm dealing with so many stuff that broke me during those two months I worked for her, I have a better job, with better payment, better people around, yet, I don't seem to enjoy it, I'm in constant alert of when am I going to be scolded or manipulated, trying to read between the lines when there's no drama at all, and I feel I lost my spark, my inner light, and all I can think of those two months is like a parasite infection.

I have never healed so fast, yet sometimes I just have to stop and let myself feel sad.

Lately I can't tolerate noise, of any kind, I can't tolerate old women, I can't tolerate advices, if I listen one more advice I will vomit, because my last boss over flooded me with advices and bossing even my personal life...so I'm in a 0 tolerance zone, where everything just makes me mad.

In my new life away from toxicity, I got what I always wanted, a job in cybersecurity, good payment, being able to take care of my health, going to the doctor, buying skin care and clothes...yet I don't feel that happy due all the baggage I carry.

I truly miss my spark, I used to be happy doing volunteer work, studying... being just happy, but why I feel everyone didn't like me when I was happy? Now that I'm not... people seems to like me...even achievements like a diploma, didn't feel good.

[tinykeke]

Is that season 🧡🥐

Things have been going good that I'm suspicious about it, I did unfuck this up, I recover my energy and I am taking good care of myself (I hope so ...) but lately I'm doubting about enjoying things.

If I want to buy something like a croissant and pumpkin chai latte (omfggg IS SOO GOOD!!) then I feel guilty and think "I should have saved money".

Is the same at work, my mind goes "I can't sleep right now, I need to be available, what if they think I'm lazy or not doing my best". This mentality have become so bad that I don't believe in any congratulations anymore.

I've been thinking about the bad stuff in my life, like having a crazy fucking ex boss that bullied me for two months or all those childhood scars from family and bullying at school and blah blah basic psychology, all that bad stuff that made me wished to have the things I have today, a better job, a better payment, be able to buy my little wants like a matcha and a macaroons (I've never had one is so good!!!) and I feel, I don't deserve it, like if I'm in a constant combat.

I find joy in little things, I'm very sensorial, and taking care of me is one of the biggest challenges I ever had, not punishing me for not being as productive as I want is hard, today I barely worked, in other times I would have said "I'll stay up all night working" but not today, I'm not going to punish myself tonight.

Why is it so hard to want to care of oneself?

I'm grateful for everything I achieved, yet everything feels unreal.

[schadhauser]

i'm more than that

[archxangels]

【ＣＤｓ】

[tinykeke]

Unfucking things up

I'm got what I wanted!!! A job in cybersecurity!!! now I don't have health 😭

I tried my best to be healthy and then I got ✨ fatigue✨ but not normal tiredness, literal I couldn't keep my eyes open and I felt languish, so all I thought I was doing good it wasn't:

I don't drink coffee

No more soda

Stretching my body

Turns out I am not eating enough carbs 🫠 and not sleeping well, now I'm fucked up ...so I have a job and no health... yay 🫠

I think my next goal will be going to the doctor and start a better healthy life with carbs!!

[tinykeke]

I'm trying not to survive

I'm trying not to feel guilty when I rest and enjoy my life, sometimes is hard to practice gratitude or stick to habits. Being consistent while sick is hard but I'm doing my best.

I have a new a task and my body is screaming at me for neglecting it, fatigue is hard to face, but:

Breakfast everyday

Shower everyday

Stretching... sometimes I forget

I downloaded an app for drinking more water because I forget to drink water 🫠

Also I do a lot and fatigued could be cause for a long allergy 🫠 antialergics cause fatigue right??

Also I have a lot of my mind: I work, I do volunteer job, and I want to begin a new sport 🏊‍♀️ but maybe I should focus on my body and this endless allergy 🫠

[tinykeke]

Working and trying to be healthy

Recently I found out I might have ADHD...(tbh I don't know and I don't care much of a diagnosis ) I always struggled with perfectionism. I recently spotted a pattern of my energy fluctuations, sometimes I would focus too much into something and then I would leave it, I would try to make habits and I would leave them, so I always called myself undisciplined but I realized I wasn't...I recently accepted myself and instead of calling me undisciplined, I called myself cyclical, with many phases and changes, one week Im full of energy and then I wanna disappear in my pillow...so instead of wishing to always have energy for my habits, my routine, my job, my life, I accepted my energy as it is and said "I can do whatever I want" no matter how much I hyperfixate and obsses over something o I "procrastinate" maybe I'm not procrastinating, I'm doing what my body is needing, I can rest one day and then I can work, I can work 72 hours non stop and then burn out...it doesn't matter the result is the same, I can start a new hobby and then leave it and jump into another one, I just don't want to feel guilty I just want to enjoy my phases even if they're short, long or even toxic...

I realized I hate noise and sometimes I wished I could communicate in sign languages and how much I get tired and I want to run away...but even that just accepting as it is, it helps me feel better.

Maybe I just found out the key of my own productivity: do whatever I want, the result will be the same, I'll finish my job and get things done, no matter how much I slept for days or how much I over work for days...so more guilt when I'm not doing what I'm supposed to do...I'm doing what my body needs.

[tinykeke]

I have been learning how to study without dying

Just found a hard truth about myself: I'm an overachiever...fuck.

Yet, I've tried to do many things for my wellbeing and try not to stress over that lately.

I found a video about "why are we addicted to work?" And it explained with rats, when putting a rat to press a button it will receive cheese, putting another rat to press a button, jump, do spiriling, run, etc and then give it the same amount of cheese, putting the same rats together, the first one would keep press the button and that's it while the other would keep going. The experiment would show that the reward wasn't the cheese but the "hard work", so there's a reward feeling in our brain when we don't sleep for studying, do extra work, make the work of three people, because we're capable...and at the end you get a congratulations, a "10", an "A+"...and I thought "how cruel"