draft #12
ive always told myself i wouldnt get involved in a romantic relationship anymore. i would write myself notes for future me to read whenever i felt tempted to pursue someone. the notes would remind me how much i hurt and why i made the decision to avoid relationships. and even now, the pain is so real. and i thought, what makes this relationship any different from my other ones? i feel the same amount of pain and i cry just as much, if not more. but i realize that this is the first time that my pain’s foundation/source is one of happiness. i feel sad because i miss him and he misses me. i feel anxious because his love for me is far too real, far too tangible, and thus far too unbelievable. i feel confused because i do not love myself but he loves me unconditionally. i feel lost because home is now not a physical concept but an emotional one. i thought my mind was too fragile and my heart too broken to love someone again but i realized that i have never loved anyone before him. he is my first. and i dream that he will be my last.
