The One They Call Texas

This is a side account just for my Joel Miller related postings. If you found yourself here somehow, please enjoy ✌🏽

[tloujm]

                     Master List   (Updated 1/24)

Story Background

Part I

Part II

Part III

Part IV

Part V

Part VI

Part VII

Part VIII

Part IX

Part X

Part XI

Part XII

Part XIII

Part XIV 

Part XV

Part XVI

Part XVII

Part XVIII

Part XIX

Part XX

Part XXI

Part XXII

Part XXIII

Part XXIV

Part XXV

Part XXVI

Part XXVII

Part XXVIII

Part XXIX

Part XXX

Part XXXI

Part XXXII

Part XXXIII

Part XXXIV

Part XXXV

Part XXXVI

Part XXXVII

Part XXXVIII

Part XXXIX

Part XL

Part XLI

Headcanons:

Yandere

Hobbies

Soft!Joel

Non-Apocalyptic AU

[kaleidoscopewritings19]

Okay, I have a question. Through Tumblr and on google, and other pages, I see people discuss what age Joel Miller is when he has his daughter, Sarah, and how old he is in the game/show.

The most recent one I seen stated that he was 16/17 years old when she was born. (Which would make sense, because why else would he have put off his dreams to become a singer?) then when the outbreak happens, he’d be 28/29 years old. (IF you add 12 years (his daughter’s age when the outbreak happens, and he’d be 48/49 when he meets Ellie.)

In the tv series on HBO, Joel is 55-56 years old. Which would make him 35/36 years old when the outbreak happens. (This would make him 23-24 when he had Sarah)

THEN in the video game he’s 51-52 years old, which would make him 31-32 during outbreak. And 19-20 years old when Sarah is born.

I’ve also seen a post that said Sarah was born in 1989 and died in 2003 (which would make her 14. ALSO, Joel’s birth year is 1981, so someone didn’t do their math. 😂 I guess what I’m trying to ask is, when y’all generally write for his character, how old do you make him? Which age do you use?

Sorry if this was confusing 😅 also, is the game fun? I’ve been wanting to buy it, but idk.

[tloujm]

For my fic, I use the first scenario of him still being a teenager when Sarah was born bc I intentionally wanted to age him down a bit. Also, I think I only flashed forward 10 years into the present day instead of 20 bc ik more time would pass to portray TLOU and some of II. I love a good age gap, but i don't like it to be huge tbh. Also, I knew early on that I wanted to give him more kids and also be alive, so I didn't want him to be a new dad while he was being a grandpa with JJ. I also feel like this is a realistic scenario for many reasons. I grew up on those teen mom shows and had teen pregnancies at my HS. It's often expressed from the woman's POV and usually teen dad's don't step up as a parent, so I wanted to take that scenario and flip the script sonce we already knew through cannon that sarahs mom was out of the picture. In my head, Joel was always going to be a good dad, but now he had no choice but to be bc the teen mom abandoned them bc she wasn't ready for parenthood. Since we get so little info on her mom, I wanted to shed some light on her as a character, though still vaguely, through flashbacks.

Realistically, I do believe that the last scenario is the true one. He was a young dad but he beat teen parenthood by a handful of years. He was prob too discouraged to be a singer and didn't think it was realistic. I think he mentions having never gone to a university when spoke to Ellie about homecomings, (which I use as an excuse bc he was already a dad) bc he was busy learning a trade to stay afloat as a young adult. He mentioned going to those college parties tho despite not being a student. Maybe that's where he met Sarah's mom.

I am surprised that they aged Joel up for PP's portrayal instead of leaving him the video game age bc he was already closer to that age than mid 50s. Maybe, in terms of practical affects, it's easier to age up than down and since they had to do flashbacks, he looked more realistically in his mid 30s than any younger.

[tloujm]

Part XLII: Purging Fire

Author's Notes: Sorry for all the angst. Hope you like it. PS: I am almost done with this story! I predict that there will only be just a few more chapters needed to wrap things up.

Summary: Joel, Jesse and Tommy make headway in their rescue mission for Joel's baby. Things get emotional and someone dies.

Genre: Angst

Ship: Joel Miller x Fem!Reader

Word Count: 3.3k

Joel rode his horse fervently back to the settlement, only using the light of the moon to guide him. Once past the gates, he slipped off the horse with such urgency yet ease. He haphazardly tied the four legged animal down before breaking into a jog. Next thing he knew, Joel found himself bursting through the doors of the infirmary again. 

“Where’s Carson?” Joel asked anyone within earshot. “He’s still in the OR with your wife. The procedure is going well so far and your donation has been very helpful.” A male apprentice leaned responded. Joel’s eyes softened slightly. “Thank you.” “Is there anything else I can help you with?” “I need to talk to him. Now. Can you just see if he can come out?” The apprentice sighed. “I’ll see what I can do.”

********

“They’re back.” The sound of hooves alerted Jesse to peer out the window. “Thank God.” Tommy huffed as he got up.  “Someone call for a doctor?” Carson awkwardly tried to make light of the tense atmosphere. When the apprentice slipped past the curtains, Carson had already completed the most important part of the surgery and was confident that you were no longer bleeding internally. He instructed for another apprentice to take over while he scrubbed out to meet Joel. “Right, I heard there was an ill baby.” He began to walk towards Theresa, having not moved from her position. “I never saw her like this before.” Theresa muttered as she looked down at the baby still shrouded in that pale yellow light.  “Its ok. Let’s take a look at her shall we?” He crouched down to their level and Theresa moved her hand away to let him take a better look at the baby’s body. “Hmmm…” Carson made sounds here and there to make it seem like he was getting somewhere. In reality, there was very little he could do in such poor lighting. He needed to hold the child or have them laid out on an examination table. “When did you first notice her skin discoloration?” “Well, they,” She looked over to Jesse before continuing. “I noticed just tonight. Maybe there was a tinge of yellow earlier in the whites of her eyes, but now it's spread to the rest of her body. Do you think it's her liver?” “I can’t rule other possibilities out yet, but I do suspect that’s the case.” Theresa began to whimper when Carson turned to speak to the men. “Is there a way we can get more lighting in this room? Candles or lanterns? Can someone also clear the table?” Jesse turned to retrieve the lanterns attached to the horses’ packs while Carson turned back to Theresa. “Why don’t we take the baby over to my new examination table, how does that sound?”

“Ok.” Theresa began to get up, but her legs almost gave way underneath her from being contorted to fit in the armoir for so long. The doctor ghosted a hand under Theresa’s arm that held the baby while the other gently grasped her forearm to hold her steady.  “Someone get her a chair, please.” He spoke to the last untasked man which just so happened to be Joel. He didn’t enjoy catering to that woman but proceeded to follow the doctor’s lead. “Have a seat, ma’am, I imagine your legs went numb from a lack of blood circulation. Do they feel tingly or any sharp pains shooting through your legs? Cramping maybe?” “Yes, all of that actually.” Theresa responded. Jesse and Tommy exchanged glances as if their thoughts were identical. “Lucky for you, that is an easy fix. For you, my dear, I prescribe a footrest and some salt water.” He looked around a moment before finding a wooden crate. Emptying it, he turned the crate over and placed it under her heels. “Leaving your legs in an elevated state straightens out your blood vessels. It's a good thing we got you out of there. Whenever the blood is prohibited from traveling at the pace it’s meant to because of some sort of blockage, it will build up creating a level of pressure to try and get around the blockage and continue its trip to the heart. Essentially, the pressure can build up to the point of making the heart weak. Putting your legs up in an elevated position will not only dissolve that blockage but help relieve that tingling pain.” Carson explained while unloading some tools from his doctor bag. He was so nervous about the entire situation that he didn’t know how else to speak to her. “Here, take this. It’s saline. I always keep a bit handy. Back in my office, we’d administer this to dehydrated patients intravenously, but I would otherwise need you to drink this. Cramps are a sign of a lack of electrolytes which can be easily replaced with simple table salt. I recommend drinking it fast as it’s unpleasant. While you do that, why don’t I take a closer look at the baby and when your legs feel better, you can feel free to see your baby girl closer at the table.”

“Umm…” Theresa was a bit hesitant to trade the baby for the bottle of saline. “It will only take a few minutes for my remedies to work their magic, then you can join us; We don’t want you falling.” He looked up from the baby to finally get a good look at the woman. “First time parent?” “Yeah.” She responded. “I was too. One thing you have to learn as a parent is to always take care of yourself. Sometimes, against every instinct in your body. If your child needs you to care for them but you are out of commission for one reason or another, then that may cause your child harm in the long run and we never want to see our children get hurt, right?” Joel listened as Carson spoke so gently to her.  Theresa nodded. “Right.”

It took everything in Joel not to pounce on Theresa right after she slid the baby into the doctor’s arms. Tommy gingerly laid a hand on his older brother’s shoulder to keep him still. Their goal was to keep Theresa calm. It was really only her against the three men, all trained in combat, but still they did not want to risk the safety of the baby.

First Jesse, then Tommy casually walked behind the seated woman. There was a brief window where she remained distracted by the baby’s exam before sensing the movement. The doctor’s ears pricked up. The two men pounced on her as soon as she began to catch on. She fought harder than expected but was still no match for the both of them. Each took a side and held her down against the chair. She resorted to biting as the only parts of her body she could now move were from her neck up. The men would narrowly miss dodging her mouth as they struggled to hold her down. If she were a man, Tommy would’ve slugged her across the jaw by that point. He thought about still doing it when she began to growl. The aggressive sounds began to make the baby cry.

Joel cocked his pistol. “Don’t move again.” He went from pointing at the Irishman to her. A breath audibly caught in his throat. The doctor stopped the exam to cradle and rock the baby. His eyes darted from side to side as he waited for his out. Joel’s eyes shifted to him in return without moving his head from Theresa’s direction. “Go. Now!” 

Doctor Carson darted outside with the baby and a lantern. He took a wearable baby carrier out of his horse’s satchel with one hand and expertly slid it on before putting the baby in. He adjusted the carrier as securely as he could around the tiny body but it wasn’t built for newborns; still it was better than nothing as he needed to steer the horse and carry the lantern through the dark woods. Doctor Carson was terrified. He hardly left the settlement and if he did, it was always with a partner or two who were trained in combat to cover him against the infected or whomever else. Now this time he was the protector. 

“Stop it! What is he doing with her?” Theresa screamed, veins revealing themselves along her neck. “She’s mine! Give her back to me, Now!” “It’s over, my love. Our Saoirse is gone.” The Irishman tried to reason.  “I’ll come back for you, my baby!” Theresa screamed out in the direction of the door. Joel hoped that the doctor was long gone with his child by then but she still thought she could hear her. “Your mama loves you! I’ll come back for you!”

Her last words ignited a raging flame within Joel. The audacity for her to call herself his child’s mother. She was the reason why his child’s mother was hanging on for dear life instead of cuddling her. Barely a day old and she almost stole everything from that baby girl. Joel knew you were afraid of being a bad mother, but he knew you and therefore knew that would never be the case. The two of you were supposed to raise her and Ellie together, but now all he could do was hope and beg God for you to recover and wake up; to not make him do it all alone again. 

Joel knew there was something not right in the woman’s head. Something snapped in her from the grief in losing her own child. He could understand that. If it weren’t for Tommy, coming in to shoot the soldier that shot his Sarah, he would have either broken down and let himself get killed right along with her or snap and destroy that man. If the soldier hadn’t got him and Tommy hadn’t showed up, the infected surely would have caught up to him. But in all that grief, not once did he think of trying to replace Sarah. His thoughts of Theresa’s psyche drowned out her wails and promises to enact revenge and save her. Her voice was like ringing in his ears and he wondered where the logic was? He tried to reconcile the science and spiritual reasoning behind her belief that her child was reincarnated into his but nothing made sense. Maybe it was only a maternal thing? But it was when Theresa called herself her mother again when the ringing stopped. 

A loud bang settled his thoughts and grounded him back into reality. With his arm still outstretched toward Theresa, Joel watched as faint smoke dissipated from his revolver. A heavy thud broke the silence as her body slid off the chair. Just like everyone else he’s killed, he didn't want to do it, but it always came down to it being either them or him. Now it was either them or his family. Wailing from the Irishman quickly followed. Joel let him grieve her for a beat. What made him feel for the man was that at least Joel got his daughter back. He even had two now to take care of and the man had none. The Irishman didn’t even get to meet the daughter he had loved so much; that he risked his life for. He felt for the man. Nonetheless Joel was not the type to leave loose ends and she was one hell of a loose end on this rescue mission. He was hoping the Irishman wouldn’t have to be either. 

Tommy and Jesse just stood there waiting for Joel to say something. What were they going to do with her body? What were they going to do with him? Joel remembered that Theresa never told the Irishman about Jackson specifically. She didn’t want him to know how to get there when she was running away from the place. She just told him that she stayed at a settlement in Wyoming right after giving birth. Though they didn’t travel too far to find their cabin, the state was still a pretty big place, full of mountains and woods to get lost in if you weren’t from there and Joel knew he wasn’t. 

The Irishman could potentially pose a threat. He now had every reason to enact revenge against him. Joel had come across many psychotic people in his time; those that would torture for no greater reason than joy. He could tell that man was not one of them. He would not risk orphaning the child he knew was not his just to avenge Theresa. Even if the Irishman came back and tracked him down, cornered him while on a patrol, he’d be confident enough that he could hold his own against him. He would definitely be no match for the settlement itself if he tried to breach the gates. That’s only if he could even find the place amongst the tall trees and hills.

“I’m gonna make you a deal and you’d be keen to take it.” Joel walked up to the Irishman, still tied down in the chair. He crouched down to his level and settled his gun onto his lap, making sure it was in plain view for the other man to see. Joel had no intention of shooting him, but thought the added touch would end this in his favor. “We will give you food, water and even a ride out to the next closest city and in return, you never, and I mean never, come back here again. Anywhere near here. Me and my men know your face now and will not hesitate to shoot on sight if we see you again. Am I clear?” The Irishman nodded. “Repeat it.” “I’ll never come back here again. Anywhere near here. And…and you’ll give me food and water?” “That’s right. Once we drop you off, it will be up to you to fend for yourself. Find shelter, wait out the rest of winter, find a working car, scavenge, whatever you need to do. That shouldn’t be too difficult in a city. If I were you, I’d find weapons as soon as I could though. No tellin’ who else is taking shelter too and they may not want to share.” The Irishman nodded his head in agreement. “What will happen to her?” He nodded toward Theresa. “The sun will be coming up soon enough.” Joel grunted as he stood up. “We’ll make a pyre. At least try to in this weather. The ground is too hard to dig and it is not in your best interest to take her.” Joel knew that if it were just him, he’d leave her body there next to the chair. They might just end up doing that if the wood was too wet from the snow to light ablaze.   

While the four men waited for sunrise, Joel pulled Tommy and Jesse aside to explain his plan. There were only two horses left since Carson rode one back to the settlement and Joel wanted time on his own to process everything that had happened within the past 48 hours. He told Jesse and Tommy to take the horses, the Irishman riding with one of them, and drop him off. In case of danger, he didn’t want either man to ride out alone since he didn’t want to put a weapon in the Irishman’s hands. Joel further instructed them to blindfold him as extra insurance. 

The three of them looked at a map of the tri-state area and pinpointed a destination far enough but not too far to make the journey days long. The plan was to leave the Irishman with all of the food and water rations from Tommy’s bag and for the two Jackson men to share Jesse’s rations while they traveled back to the cabin to pick up Joel. From there, they’d ride back home together. Carson rode back to Jackson with Joel’s rations, so he planned on scavenging the cabin. Though it’d been years, he’d gone without food for days before and wasn’t worried.

Joel desperately wanted to get back to Jackson to see how you were. He was lucky that he found you when he did. He couldn’t imagine what he’d do if he had to bury you. In the throes of winter, it was likely that they’d have to keep your body in the morgue until the ground thawed. Thoughts of him visiting a stone with your name engraved on it to lay flowers entered his mind before he quickly shook them away. He never had to bury anyone before the infections spread. The only time was with Sarah and it was the worst thing in his life. 

Right after she died in his arms, he barely had time to grieve before danger came their way again. Joel refused to leave his daughter. He carried her in his arms, following his brother, until they could find an abandoned car. They drove as far as they could until they ran into an army medic road block. The three of them were inside a triage tent being checked for any signs of infection. Joel asked them for help but because no one knew exactly how the infection began and spread, the safest and quickest thing to do, like with many other pandemics, was to burn all collected bodies. Near the triage center, there was a mass grave. Joel hated the way they were just tossing bodies into it. He fought against the soldiers and made some demands. In the end, Joel wrapped her body in sheets and climbed down into a barely empty section of the pit and gently laid her down. His heart was never heavier being surrounded by so many bodies. Flashlights attached to the soldier’s rifles shown on him. They were given orders to shoot Joel on sight if any of the dead were in fact not and so much as laid a finger on him. He said his final goodbyes and climbed out. That morning, they set the grave ablaze. 

Joel thought back to that day as he gathered what he could from outside. Most of the wood he found was still covered in snow. Still, he worked non-stop for hours to find enough for the pyre. By early afternoon, he finished stacking the pieces of wood and went back inside to take a short break. His eyes carefully avoided her body as he began to look around for anything worth consuming. Not quite trusting the food in the jar that Jesse used to save his daughter, Joel turned to another glass container on the shelf. The label was dusty and very faded. He guessed it was either vodka or cleaning solution by its clear appearance and strong aroma. Either way, he figured it’d help wonderfully in lighting the pyre. 

After carrying her outside, he’d alternate between taking swigs and flicking the flammable liquid onto the pyre, body and all. Usually being good at handling his drink, Joel started to feel his mind become hazy. He had no problem completing the task at hand but made a point to grab a snack from the bag he kept on him. He pulled a pack of matches out of the same pocket and struck a few before the embers burned into full fledged flames. He stayed there watching, waiting for them to spread and engulf the entire thing.

[tloujm]

What's that saying? If I had a nickel for every time such and such happened, I'd only have two, but its weird that it happened twice?

Welp.

My documents got deleted again with no way to recover. I tried. This is the 2nd time my google docs have been deleted. I deleted some of my emails directly from gmail and photos from google photos, but didn't touch my docs in terms of storage at all, so I don't get it. I don't know if this has happened to anyone else on here, but some on Reddit says they've experienced this too with no explanation.

The first time this happened was around chapter 10 of this story, then I took a hiatus bc it pmo to lose a lot of my first draft chapters. Luckily this time, I already uploaded my last finished chapter onto my tumblr drafts to do a final edit before posting, but that doc had all my notes for the ending, the next unfinished chapter and notes on epilogues or one shots. I don't look at it everyday, so I don't remember everything.

Another one of my fanfics for another fandom that I haven't really been active in in a while was also deleted, which is so weird. Why is it always Google Docs and always my fanfics instead of other, lesser missed docs.

It's so frustrating to loose everything you worked on AGAIN. But I will try to not let this stop me from finishing the story, bc It should only take a few extra chapters to finish. And at this point wipe my hands clean of it. But now I need to take a deep breath and remap my thoughts.

[tloujm]

Part XLI: Found

Author's Notes: This is a direct continuation of the last chapter. I apologize in advance for the upcoming Irish character. I tried to use some Northern Irish slang as an identifying factor. My resource was a video of Jamie Dornan explaining N. Irish slang.

Summary: Joel, Tommy and Jesse set out to track Theresa down. They make a plan to rescue his baby.

Genre: Angst

Ship: Joel Miller x Fem!Reader

Word Count: 4k

Warnings: violence below

“Lemme talk to my brother right quick.” Tommy said to the apprentice and proceeded to pull him to the side. Jesse was in ear shot, deciding not to give the brothers privacy by moving. “We’ll find ‘em. Joel?” He clasped his brother's head between his head to get him to focus on his words. “We’ll find the both of ‘em and make that bitch pay.” “She couldn’t have gone far.” Jesse piped up, facing his body to them. “I’ll go get some horses prepped. Meet me at the stable when you're ready.” Tommy lets go of his brother to put a hand on Jesse’s chest as he walked by them. “Hey, you sure you wanna do this? You don’t have to—” “It’s (y/n). I have to.” They exchanged a few more words through silent glares before Tommy let him go.  “Got a gun?” Tommy asked to which Joel shook his head. “Luckily I took Maria’s right before I left.” He reached behind his back, inadvertently lifting his well worn denim jacket to reveal a holster holding his own handgun. He pulled it out his waistband and handed it over. “If we need a scope, Jesse has one on his rifle. Now, we need a plan.” “We don’t have time for that. As soon as I’m done talking to this lady,” His head nodded over to the apprentice. “I’m going to hop on a horse and go. You can come or you can stay and plan. If you do, bring a group out with you.” “I’m not letting you go out there on your own. I want to find them just like you do. How long ago do you think it happened?” “I don’t know, Tommy, she lost a lot of blood.” “Probably right before you dropped Ellie off, then. Jesse’s right. She couldn’t have gotten far. I would have heard by now if a woman with an infant checked out a horse from the stables. So she’s likely on foot. The sun is settin’ too, so she will most likely try to stay in the closest shelter she can find and go the most distance in the morning. Did she ever say anything to you about her past? Where she came from or any sentimental place nearby that she could use as a hideout?” “She only told me that she never intended on staying in Jackson long. She wanted to wait out the winter and let her daughter get a little older before leaving to find her husband or boyfriend or whatever. Apparently they got separated a while back out there.” “She took her baby with her too?” “That’s the thing, there was no sign of another baby having been there, but I didn’t look around much before finding (y/n).” “She definitely couldn’t have gone far with two babies. Shit.” 

Hopeful, Tommy left Joel to meet up with Jesse. He grabbed his walkie talkie and caught Maria up on everything. She hardly approved of the trio heading out this late in the day, especially as it began to snow, but understood the urgency. 

Knowing that she couldn’t bring Ellie along, she trusted her to stay at her house alone as she went out to investigate. She made Ellie promise her to keep the extra walkie on her person at all times. Though she tried her best not to show it, Ellie was becoming increasingly frightened as each person kept leaving her to the point of being alone all within a few hours. Maria, however, could see it in her eyes, so she promised that everything was going to be ok and that she’d be back soon. That’s what you say to kids, right? Maria used to want motherhood but hardly had any experience with children. She had no idea what else to say to calm those worried eyes as she rushed to gather her things. 

First, Maria gathered up a small crew as a stand-by rescue team for the three men, then she assembled another to help her investigate the crime scene. As they walked past the infirmary, Joel was just finishing up. He was met with a near impossible choice.

With the immense amount of blood loss you experienced, Doctor Carson needed to secure a blood donor as soon as possible. Having had the both of you as patients in the past, Carson already had on file that you and he were O- ; a match. Even though that made the two of you universal donors, you and Joel could only receive blood from another O- and you were the only other one in Jackson. Just another reason why we were meant for each other, Joel thought. 

Joel walkied his two partners with the update. He was going to hang back for the emergency blood transfusion. Jesse, wanting to put his tracking skills to use before the snow stuck, opted to get started immediately. Tommy did the same.

With lanterns held out in front of them, the two men rode on for miles. The wind began to pick up, blowing the dust-like snow around. The only solace they had was the light from the full moon to help see in the distance. 

Joel sat in another room with a curtain drawn around him so he couldn’t even look in the direction of the operating room. You were on a table getting examined with all sorts of tests being run and machines hooked up to you. They were desperately trying to keep you alive while they waited for the blood to drain from Joel. The average donation is about a pint but the apprentices took twice that under these circumstances. He was more than willing to give you more, but you were now seen as a valuable asset and they didn’t want to risk his own health. The medical staff explained that he’d already donated half of what she lost and if Joel was feeling well after a day or two, they’d take more from him. They went on to explain that it could take between days and weeks for blood supply to fully replenish in one’s body. He took that into consideration in terms of your healing, but knew he didn’t have that time to spare for himself. 

Joel felt fine until he stood up rather abruptly. Mentally, he was ready to join Jesse and Tommy, but physically the blood loss did a number on him. Joel was really starting to feel his age if not older. Stumbling around the small room, it dawned on him that he never ate dinner. The only thing that kept his legs steady enough to carry him out of that room was the rush from picturing what he’d do when he found Theresa. An apprentice caught him, scolding him from across the hall to have a seat. Joel, spotting a partly eaten granola bar, snatched it and responded to her that he was just grabbing a snack. She skeptically lingered about, but as soon as the apprentice turned her head, he made a run for it. 

Trying not to move so fast that his legs give out on him, but fast enough to out pace the apprentices now after him, Joel bee lined it to the stable. He walkied the two men for their location and set himself on their path. 

****

With Jesse on the ground walking his horse, Tommy was riding his, providing light and look-out. Joel slowed his horse to a trot when Jesse’s staticky voice piped up. In one swift movement, he slid the walkie out its harness and lifted it to his ear. The young man relayed that he finally found a solid set of a woman’s footprints that led away from a long unmanned gate on the east side of the settlement. It was the same gate that you used to sneak out when you investigated the Firefly hospital. Once Joel found out that you were using it, Tommy immediately secured it. Because of its location right up against a hill and them currently being short on watch guards, it’d been recently left unmanned. Tommy sighed when he heard this and wondered if Theresa escaped from the sheer luck of choosing the gate closest to her house or if she was observant and noticed a lack of guards up there. Jesse continued to speak to him as he followed the footprints to a landmark. Yanking the reins, Joel quickly rerouted himself to meet the other two. 

It was well into the night as they rode for miles. If Tommy hadn’t said anything, they all would have missed it. Just off the main trail of prints was a well hidden cabin. It was covered almost completely in dead vines and shrouded by close knit trees. The trio dismounted and tied up their horses a good distance away to maintain their stealth. They’d never come across this cabin before on patrol routes. Tommy made a mental note to mark this on the shared patrol maps when he got back. 

With their guns unholstered and cocked, the three men walked around the perimeter of the property before walking up the front porch. The old, rotting wood couldn’t help but creak a bit as they did. They could’ve only hoped that the whistling wind masked the sound. 

Out of nowhere, a loud bang reverberated through the silence of the night. The three men stopped in place. They recognized it as coming from a shotgun. The slug narrowly hit Jesse, but Joel pulled him back in time as it went through the wooden front door. The loud noise triggered a baby’s cries. For a brief moment, Joel’s eyes softened; the innocent sounds pulled at his heartstrings, but then they narrowed in rage. Assuming Joel would react first and think later, Tommy put a hand on his shoulder. The younger Miller was racking his brain to find another way in to sneak up on the gunman. It was such a small cabin, it only had the one entrance/exit.

“Any more of this and there’ll be less of it!” A man’s shaky but stern voice said from inside. The baby was still wailing.  “What the fuck did he say?” Tommy asked in a whisper to Joel and Jesse’s confused looks.  “Don’t look at me.” Jesse shrugged.

Tommy began to move to check the perimeter again when the wood beneath his foot creaked causing a second round to exit out the same door. Joel took advantage of the fleeting opportunity for the gunman to reload and barged through the front door. It was surprisingly easy given how rotted it was.

“I said leave!” The gunman asserted, fumbling over the bullets. Joel quickly approached him with no care to look around the room first. He knew that was a rookie move but knew that Jesse and Tommy were right behind him.  “Don’t think so.” Joel said aggressively as he raised the butt of his gun to smash his nose in. Giving up on the second bullet, the gunman let it drop to the floor and focused on snapping the shotgun back into place. Aimed and ready, the gunman was then tackled onto the floor by one of the other men; it all happened so fast, he couldn’t tell which one. “What are we doing now, Joel?” Tommy asked. He went to help Jesse tie the gunman up to a chair. Joel glared at him back. “Ok. Bad cop, bad cop.”

Just when Joel was about to speak again, the baby began to cry again before suddenly going quiet. All three men whipped their heads in the direction of the sound. There was nothing but an armoire in the corner of the room. The left door was slightly ajar. They all split up and slowly walked over out of sight of the small opening. Joel took his brother’s lead as he silently counted to three. Jesse stood ready with his pistol cocked, hoping that he wouldn’t need to use it. 

The doors were whipped open to reveal a frail young woman crouched down in the armoire with her hand practically covering the baby’s mouth and nose. Joel couldn’t believe that he was finally laying his eyes on his child and after all of that time and grief, he didn’t even get to see their entire face. Because of her. The woman that sat there in front of him. She stole from him something he could never get back. Fantasies of what could’ve been, how it should have been began to enter his mind. He didn’t want to harm her just yet. He pushed away those thoughts of being by your side as you brought their child into the world. He needed to find a way to safely remove his son or daughter from her grasp.

“Theresa,” He began trying to level with her. With a voice still stern, he said, “Give me the baby and we can talk. “No, I’m not letting you take her; She’s mine.” Joel’s eyes widened when he heard that he had a daughter.  “Take your hands off her.” Joel growled “No!” “You’re smothering her!” Joel shouted to match her tone. Her eyes softened as she looked down at the baby. She finally lifted her hand and the baby wailed. “Oh I’m sorry, Saoirse. Shhh…” “That’s not Saoire.” Joel forced himself to say gently through gritted teeth.  “Of course it is.” “Keep telling yourself that bullshit.” His eyes narrowed again. “Jesus, woman, look at her!” Theresa did as she was told but still made no attempt to give her up. “Aye, he’s right, Theresa.” Said the gunman. “That can’t be our Saoirse.” “You never met her. You weren’t here. You don’t understand; This is our daughter.” “Sweetheart, where’s our Saoirse?”  “I’m done playin’ your games.” Joel walked away from the armoire and approached the gunman. He holstered his gun into the backside of his waistband before pulling out a knife. He dragged out another chair and sat it directly across from him. “You must love her.”  “Aye, very much.” The gunman said shakily in his Irish accent.  “I love my wife too. Do you know what she did to her?” He shook his head “Of course you don’t.” Joel said calmly before slamming the blade of his knife into his thigh. “You expect me to believe that she nearly killed my wife and took my child all by herself?” “Fuck!” The Irishman tried to muffle his screams through gritted teeth. “I didn’t…I didn’t…know.” “Stop!” Theresa screamed.

“Focus right here.” Joel slapped his chin up a couple times to get him to look him in the eye. “Right here or I’ll pop your goddamn knee off.” His hand still firmly grasped the knife. “What happened, huh? She snuck you in and you subdued my wife?” “She didn’t sneak me in anywhere.I don’t know what you’re talking about. But whatever happened, my Theresa wouldn’t have done that. This has to be a misunderstanding. Right, Theresa?” “I wouldn’t be so trusting.” Joel began to slowly twist the knife in his thigh. A roaring scream ripped through the small cabin causing the baby to cry louder. It killed Joel that his baby had to witness this; that her first hours in this world were so traumatic. If only she’d hand him the baby, he’d have Tommy take her back to the settlement to get checked by the doctors while he punished them. He wanted nothing more than to avenge you first. “So she drugged her and left her to bleed to death and you are helping her escape with my daughter, do I have that right?” “No. No.” He began to cry.  “Help me understand then ‘cause that’s what it looks like.” Joel sneered, gripping the handle of the blade tighter.  “We used to live at this settlement in Montana; a cult really. There were some…ugh…troubles between me and the leader when Theresa became pregnant. I left before they had the chance to kill me. Our plan to both escape didn’t work unless I went first. Our leader was a fecking eejit, but he still would have noticed if we left together. I was looking for a better place for us to raise our child. The plan was for her to escape after she had the baby. I left clues, bread crumbs, only she knew about so she could find me. I thought she died, they both died after she hadn’t found me in the time she was supposed to. I went out to find her, but she was nowhere. I was afraid she changed her mind and didn’t leave Montana at all. But even after a year, I didn’t give up.” His eyes darted to his love. “I still left clues for her to follow as I moved around and it finally worked. She found me. It was meant for me to come down to Wyoming; it was not my plan to.” “How did she find you?” Joel asked. “I took refuge in this cabin, found a radio, got it working and left messages with my frequency in different places in the forest. What were the chances that I’d find a radio? It was meant to be, I’m tellin’ ya. One day she finally contacts me. She says she’s in a settlement in Jackson but that it is not safe for us to stay there. We made a plan for her to escape again.” “And tonight was that escape?” Joel asked to which the Irishman nodded. “When? When did she start radioing you?” “Almost a month ago.” Joel was silent as he thought about his next steps. “She would tell me over the radio about Saoirse. How she was going to be ok and was excited to see me.”

“Going to be ok?” Jesse repeated.  “I knew she wasn’t mine when I saw her.” His head hung low in shame. “She is yours! A father knows his child! You just have to look!” “You’re right, Theresa, and this man knows it's ‘is. C’mere t’me sweetheart and quit faffin’ about. Just give her to them.” “But it's her.” She whispered, looking down at the little girl. “I think you should listen to him, ma’am.” Tommy spoke up. Joel unsheathed the knife from his thigh. “Tourniquet his leg.” He spoke to whichever man wanted to volunteer.  “I wanted to go back to your settlement to return her. We were having a row ‘bout that, then you lads showed up. I told her to hide and I grabbed the gun.” The Irishman hissed toward the end of the sentence when Jesse twisted the fabric tight to ensure the tourniquet was secure. 

Joel watched as Jesse did this. He debated; on one hand, he’s a loose end that he couldn’t trust wouldn’t need tying eventually. On the other, he knew you wouldn’t have wanted him to do that. Joel was still furious. Tommy knew this by how calm, cool and collected his brother appeared to be on the outside. Joel’s face, however, never lied.

“Where’s Saoirse?” Joel turned to face Theresa. “She’s right here.” “Where is she?” Joel shouted in rage. “The Saoirse I birthed,” Theresa only looked into her lover’s eyes. “Her body failed her.” A tear shed down her face as she spoke. “One day, she just didn’t wake up.” Now it was the Irishman’s turn to shed a tear as he listened on. “You have to look past her features now, you see? This wasn’t the body she originally had, but she came back to me. To us!” “Are you talkin’ reincarnation?” Tommy gave her a look of disbelief.  “They called it metaphysical transcendence.” The Irishman responded. “Who’s they?” asked Joel. “The place we came from. At first, it was a group of people sharing their skills so we could all just survive together, then a man became the leader and started spewing words on spirits moving to and from bodies. That the… those…things out there are still people. That despite the fungus taking over their brain, they are still in there. He would try to rehabilitate them.” “And how’d that work out for him?”  “As well as you’d expect. He turned the program into a euthanization task force. That’s when we started to kill them on sight. He explained it to us as ‘releasing their spirits’ to move on to their next body. Not everyone there followed that, but most did. I didn’t know you did, Theresa.” “I didn’t either until she came to me. I had a vision; I did! It was as clear as you are to me right now. I understood her. Our daughter spoke to me!” She began to smile through her tear stained face. “She said that she was ok and that she would come back to see me soon. Then you Joel, come to my doorstep saying your wife is pregnant. Everything Saoirse told me would happen, happened. She even led me to your clues. She probably even put the idea in you to come to Wyoming. She wanted us to be a family again.” “I came to Wyoming because there was a pile of abandoned cars blocking my route on the highway and the only clear way led me here.” “Like you said, it was meant to be.” “I’m sorry, but I don’t believe that our daughter mystically put all those cars there to block my way!” The throbbing pain from his thigh was not helping his frustration. “Was she that yellow when she was born?” Jesse spoke up. “No…no she…she didn’t look quite like this. How…” “I’m not a doctor but yellowing skin is a sign of jaundice; liver failure. It can affect anyone, even babies.” Jesse replied. 

He noticed how the bright moonlight filtered through a large jug of some sort of preserved food left on a window sill. Most likely due to age, it turned the liquid a yellow-green color. It palely reflected onto the exact spot where Theresa was holding the baby. If she moved, one could notice how her arms would have turned yellow-green too. Luckily for them, Theresa didn’t move and falter his lie. She started to believe there was something wrong with the baby. 

“You know we have doctors back at Jackson. Why don’t we all take a moment to breathe then head back. Doctor Carson has great experience with babies. He’s delivered so many here already. Another doctor can take a look at your leg.” Jesse turned to the Irishman.  “We’re not going back there. We’ll find someone on our way.” Theresa said. “On your way where? What was the plan after this? Did your daughter tell you what's next?” Tommy replied mockingly.  “She only spoke to me about how she’d come back.” “I never found another place better for us.” The Irishman confessed. It was something he initially kept silent in fear of disappointing Theresa. “That's ok, as long as we have each other, we can make it.” “Ok, if you don’t want to come back to Jackson, that’s fine. How about we bring the doctor up here. He can do something like a house call and give the baby a basic check up. We’ll tell him we think it's jaundice so he can come prepared. But if it’s serious, we might have to take her back, ok? We’re not monsters. We want the same thing as you, for Saoirse to be healthy.” Jesse reasoned. “Aye, that’s what I want too.” “Ok.” Theresa finally agreed. 

Jesse took that as a major win. He pulled the other two Jackson men aside and told him his plan. One of them was to ride back to the settlement, get someone from the medical staff in on the plan and bring him back. Once Theresa handed over the baby for him to inspect, two of them would have the freedom to tie her up while one of them would safely escort Carson and the baby back to Jackson. The main goal was to get the newborn safely out of Theresa’s arms and Jesse knew that that wasn’t going to happen by force. 

“Damn boy, that might just work!” Tommy exclaimed quietly. “I’ll do it. I’ll go back.” Joel spoke up. He clapped his hand onto the younger man’s shoulder. “This had better work, Jesse.”

[tloujm]

Part XL: Lost

Author's Notes: Sorry for the late installment. This one is on the short side but I once again was rewriting the ending of things. Also, I hope everyone had a great Christmas and first day of Hanukah.

Summary: Joel gets a bad feeling that something's happened to you and goes to investigate. Does his worst nightmare come true?

Genre: Angst

Ship: Joel Miller x Fem!Reader

Word Count: 2.7k

Joel made your favorite dinner in hopes of seducing you into a round two when you got back home from your usual walk. He was set to make dinner anyway but selfishly held out hope that you’d have at least an ounce of energy left after already having had two bouts of cardio for the day. 

In the meantime, Joel sneakily used his time alone with Ellie to try and get some information about the night before. He was still going to wait to have that formal talk tomorrow with you by his side, but figured it wouldn’t hurt to get a head start. Successfully, Joel managed to recruit Ellie into helping cook. She had an attachment to you so it wasn’t hard to convince her to set the drawing book down when he mentioned it was your favorite meal. Joel started with small talk for the first half of cooking but when it came time to set the table, he didn’t want to stall any longer.

“You know, we’ll probably start doing these more often; these…uh…family dinners. I know you’ve been in Jackson for a while now so if there’s anyone you’d ever want to invite over to hang out with and have dinner, that’s alright.” “Thanks, Joel.” Ellie offered him a smile before focusing back on the silverware.  He cleared his throat. “So, um, do you have any friends now? Not to say that you don’t…um,”. Awkwardly, he shifted the weight of one leg to the other. “It’s just I don’t see you really spending time with the other kids outside of school.” “I guess I have one good friend. The others,” She shrugged. “I mean they’re cool. I don’t talk to them as much though.” His eyebrows lifted. “Oh? Well one good friend is better than a bunch of not so good ones. Sometimes things happen in your life that end up showing you who your real friends are. Gotta do what you can to keep those people close and if they are someone you really care about, it won’t feel like work to do so and hopefully they would feel the same in return.” “Is that how you and (y/n) are? The two of you are close friends too?” Without looking up at Ellie, he offered a half smirk. “The closest.” “Closer than you and your brother?” “We’re a different kind of close. Me and Tommy were as thick as thieves growing up and—” “‘Thick as thieves’?” She scrunched up her face. “Never heard of that?” She shook her head. “It's a figure of speech. Just something some people say to mean very close. Anyway, we grew apart for a bit as teens but grew close again as adults then grew apart again for a while but now we’re good.” “What happened?” “Long story.” “I know I’m still a kid, but I can handle it. I’ve heard and seen a lot of things.” “I don’t doubt that, kiddo,” He sighed. “But if I were to tell you the whole thing, it would be too long. And maybe (y/n) should be there when I tell it; it involves her too.” “Where is she anyway?” “That,” he paused to taste test part of the meal. “Is a good question. She should be back by now; it's getting dark.” You never stayed out past sundown. His brows furrowed as he walked out the kitchen to check the charging station in the living room. “I knew I should have asked her if she remembered to take a walkie before leaving.” Ellie followed behind and noticed both walkie talkies lit up green on their charging ports.  “She’s probably on her way now. It’s still light out.” “Maybe.”

If Ellie wasn’t there, Joel wouldn’t have hesitated to put on his coat and go out looking for you. He pictured himself finding you walking down a random street that led to your house with an annoyed look on your face. He wouldn’t have cared what kind of attitude you gave him for needing to know you were ok; he was doing his job. He would take your hand, turn around and the two of you would walk back home together in peace. 

Ellie speaking up made him rethink. He didn’t want to leave her there alone. The two of you try not to leave her unsupervised because of how young she is despite knowing that she has a pretty decent amount of common sense and survival skills. He really didn’t want to leave her alone after the stunt she pulled last night. He thought about bringing Ellie along to look for you but considered her optimistic theory of you being on your way and decided to stay.

The food got cold as Joel and Ellie kept an eye on the door. The two of them made some small talk to pass the time but it was obvious that Joel was too anxious to hold a deeper conversation. He couldn’t help but feel this pit begin to form in his stomach. A growl came from Ellie’s.

Joel abruptly began wrapping up the food and putting it up. Within minutes, the two of you were walking toward Tommy and Maria’s house as it was on the way to Theresa’s at the edge of the settlement.

“Hey, Joel.” Maria greeted at the door. Turning around, she shouted. “Tommy, your brother and Ellie are here. Come on in.” Joel gently pushed Ellie forward. “I only came to see if you could watch Ellie for a while.” “I don’t need a babysitter.” She quickly butted in but just as quickly huffed and stayed quiet when Joel gave her the glare.  “What’s wrong, brother?” Tommy appeared behind his wife.  “It’s nothing. I’m going to Theresa’s to try and find (y/n).” “She didn’t tell you where she was going?” Maria asked. “She had plans to walk and hang out with her but was supposed to be home by now.” “I’ll get my stuff.” Tommy chimed up. “Nah, it's ok, Tommy. She probably lost track of time and is still up there or maybe I’ll meet her part way and find her already walking home.” “You sure?” “Yeah. I packed Ellie some food. We were about to eat dinner but were waiting on (y/n) to get back first, so she hasn’t eaten yet.”

********************

Joel’s eyes darted onto each person that passed him by on the walk to Theresa’s. He was hoping that he wouldn’t have to go all the way there. It worried him. Did you go into labor and, without a walkie or Theresa not having a radio, not have the means to get help? Was she so exhausted that she fell asleep and Theresa let her crash? Joel wondered if he should have trusted Ellie to stay home and man the radio just in case Theresa went to the stables to let them know she was spending the night.

So many theories ran through his mind by the time he made it up to her front door. He knocked a couple times, giving a moment to hear for a response in between. He almost went straight to barging the door in before rethinking the handle. It was unlocked. 

“(y/n)!” Joel called out. Only silence answered him back. Theresa did not pop out the corner wondering why he was yelling. There was no baby crying, disturbed from her sleep. “(y/n)!” 

Joel knew that they could just be out still walking or doing God knows what somewhere else, but he couldn’t help the bad feeling lingering in the back of his mind. He tore through the house one room at a time. After a minute, he walked into the last bedroom down the hall. The door was wide open. What he saw stopped him in his tracks. His deeply furrowed brows loosened as his eyes widened at the scene. It didn’t make sense to him. 

Joel was hardly afraid of much. If someone were to ask, he’d say he was afraid of nothing at all. To you, he’d say, just as he did before, that he was only afraid of being alone again; afraid of being without you.

“(y/n).” Your name fell from his lips in a melancholy way, his voice cracking. He rushed to your side and laid his hands on either side of your head to straighten it towards him. “(y/n), get up.” 

Sliding them down to your shoulders, he shook you gently, then increasingly aggressive. The faintest moan escaped your lips. Joel couldn’t tell if he actually heard you or not, but needed to believe it was true. He slid two fingers under the curve of your jaw to try and find a pulse. It was slow and barely there, but you were still alive; he could save you.

He stepped back, pondering what to do next. He needed to move you, take you to the infirmary, but how? His eyes locked onto the pool of blood soaking the sheets that covered the bottom half of your body. Lifting it, Joel was met with a blood bath. The metallic stench of fresh blood reached his nose. A precisely cut umbilical cord was hanging off the edge of the bed with the attached placenta still between your legs. He was careful not to slip on what formed on the floor.

Joel’s eyes hardened and his lips curled in disgust. Not at the sight of you but at what Theresa did to you; at what he realized she really was. He’d done terrible things before but it was for the survival of him and the ones he loved. This wasn’t about survival. He didn’t know why Theresa did what she’d done, but all he knew was that Theresa was now a monster in his eyes.

“C’mon, baby girl, I gotcha.” Joel untied the ropes around your wrists and gently pulled the IV drip from your arm. He had flashbacks to that night in the firefly hospital where he found himself doing the same thing. The difference was that they hadn’t operated yet and you were just under anesthesia. With a loss of blood, he didn’t want you to fall deeper into unconsciousness. “You gotta wake up for me, baby. Just open your eyes a bit for me, alright?” Gingerly, he wiggled your chin and slapped your cheeks. Your head hung limp against his palm. Joel held back tears as he knew that time was of the essence. “I gotcha…I gotcha.” He repetitiously whispered in your ear as he slid his arms under your neck and knees. 

As dusk fell upon Jackson, Joel practically sprinted with you in his arms. He wrapped the duvet around your body as he lifted you out of the bed to not only keep you body temperature from dropping further but to also protect your privacy. He could feel the warm liquid of blood drip onto the arm cradling your legs together. Not many people were out walking the path he was, but the ones who were starred. He tried not to focus on their looks of confusion and worry by keeping his eyes straight ahead. 

Jesse was up in the watch tower with his partner when he spotted Joel. He appeared distraught. Even though the angle showed nothing to confirm, Jesse could tell by how Joel held the duvet cover that there was someone inside. Immediately, Jesse put down his binoculars when he realized that Joel was heading to the infirmary. The two still weren’t on the best of terms but were civil for your sake. Whatever concerned Joel, almost always concerned you and if it concerned you, his best friend, he wanted to be supportive.

“Hold down the fort.” Jesse said to his partner before practically sliding down the ladder “Joel!” The older man showed no reaction to his own name. “Joel, is everything alright?” Jesse questioned while trying to catch up. “Not now.” Joel said through gritted teeth. “Whatever’s going on, I can help. What’s…Who’s—?” Jesse cut himself off after finally matching Joel’s pace when he caught a glimpse of your hair dangling over Joel's arm.

Jesse could hardly keep up anymore as he suddenly felt winded. “If you want to help, go get my brother and meet me at the gates.” “But—” “Now, Jesse!” Joel practically growled. 

******

“Now’s not a good time, Jesse. What’s up?” Tommy greeted him at the door.  “It’s Joel and—” He tried to keep his voice calm and even. “Maria, I’m heading out.” He shouted into the house while grabbing his things. “He said to meet him at the gates.”  Tommy grabbed his jean jacket and pushed past Jesse, expecting him to catch up. “What happened?” “I saw him from the watchtower and he was carrying (Y/N).” “Thank God he found her." “Found her?” Jesse questioned. “She was supposed to be home a while ago but didn’t come back for dinner and you know Joel, he was worried sick. She was probably chatting away and lost track of time, but…wait.” Tommy stopped following Jesse. “Why’d he want us to meet him by the gate? Did he say anything else?” Jesse looked at him sorrowfully. “No. He was heading to the infirmary with (y/n) and just told me to get you and go to the gates.” “Infirmary? Damn it, boy, why didn’t you start with that? She probably went into labor at that friend’s house.” “She wasn’t in labor.”  “What do you mean ‘she wasn’t in labor’.” “She wasn’t awake. He had her wrapped in a blanket. Tommy, I saw blood.” “Fuck.” Tommy muttered. “You sure he ain’t say nothing else ‘sides meet him by the gate?” Jesse nodded his head. “We’re not going to the them gates.” “But…” Jesse began to protest as he watched Tommy walk off in the direction of the infirmary. Quickly, he followed. “What friend were you talking about before?” “Theresa, the woman we found outside our gates all muddied up with a baby in her arms a while back. You remember." “Her? I hardly ever see her around.” “(y/n) and her are friends and with her being in her last trimester and all…must’ve been complications. Why would he tell you to tell me to meet him at the gates? Makes no damn sense.”

***************

Tommy burst through the doors of the infirmary with Jesse on his heels. Everyone was bustling around one bed in the back. That area, he knew, was reserved for operations. He spotted his brother being pulled away by an apprentice. She was trying to calm him down and ask him questions about your medical history. 

“It’s important we know some things about (y/n). Why don’t you sit down.” She guided Joel to a chair that he only looked at in disdain. He was too pent up with worry and rage to sit. “Joel.” Tommy called. Joel’s eyes darted between the two men approaching him. The younger brother saw the apprentice plead with him through her eyes to help calm him down. “Maybe we should sit down for a moment, huh?” “I’m not sitting the fuck down until I find her.” Joel exclaimed.  “Whoa, what’s going on?” Tommy asked. “Your brother brought his wife in with acute hemorrhaging and resulting in major blood loss.” “What?” The younger brother exclaimed. “Mr. Miller,” She directed herself toward Joel. “we’re going to send some apprentices over to the scene to investigate. Is there anything you can tell me? It could save her life.” “She was hooked up to an IV and tied down to the bed when I got there. I don't know what she was giving her but what I do know is that she kidnapped my child and left (y/n) to die.” “Theresa?” Jesse spoke up.  “She took the baby?” Tommy questioned. “Trauma to the body does appear to show signs of delivery.” “That’s my wife, not a body! She's not dead! You gonna keep her alive, alright?” “We’ll do everything we can.” She hoped she sounded confident.

[tloujm]

Part XXXIX: A Requiem or a Waking Dream

Author's Notes: Hello again, sorry for the long wait. My birthday was last week and I went on a trip to Ireland for it. Lovely place and lovely time of year to go. If I was a better person, I would have made the time to edit this so it come be posted before I left and you guys still reading this could've had something at the beginning of the month. Alas, please accept my apologies and Have a very Happy Thanksgiving! I am very thankful for you all who read anything I've put out there whether your just a lurker or you've liked, reblogged, commented, or sent me asks!

Summary: You and Joel have a talk about parenthood. Your and Theresa's friendship take a turn as you learn some new things about her.

Genre: Angsty

Ship: Joel Miller x Fem!Reader

Word Count: 3.3k

Only a moment after walking into the house, Joel caught your attention. Silently, he waved you into the kitchen. You instinctively looked around, trying to find a reason for the odd look on his face. Your eyes landing on Ellie drawing on the living room floor was your only inkling as to why Joel wanted a secret meeting.

Joel beckoned you further into the kitchen, standing near the fridge. “You know she snuck out last night?” Your brows furrowed. “What? How do you know? Why would she do that? Where did she even go?” “I don’t know where she went. I was this close to following her, but I didn’t want to…” He trailed off, looking for the right words. “You didn’t want to be overbearing.” He glared at you. He didn’t like being called that, but knew you were right. “I know I’ve been protective of Sarah and you. But the difference between you two is that she was a kid and kids need guidance. I’m not gonna apologize about that.” He shook his head, looking in her direction.  “I’m not asking you to. But how do you know for sure that she did? She left a note?” He turned back to you. “No. I couldn’t sleep last night, so I was up when I heard some noises coming from the backyard. I was about to go ‘round back to look around, make sure Ellie was alright, when I heard another person’s voice coming from her room. I stayed by the back door, peekin’ out the window, for a bit since it didn’t sound like she was in danger. I caught her and another girl leaving not too long after.”  “What was that about?” “I don’t know.” He scratched his beard. “I stayed up and kept an eye on the garage to make sure she got home alright. If she hadn’t come back by the time the sun started to peak, I woulda went out to go find her.” He paused to hear your response but you were still thinking. “I’d call waiting that long an act of restraint.” His eyes locked onto you until you returned the gaze. “She doesn’t know that I know. I wanted to tell you first.” “Wow, I never thought I’d have to deal with teen antics so soon; She’s just a preteen. I’ve barely experienced motherhood in general.” Your hand passed over your belly. “You began experiencing it as soon as she showed up at our gates.” He said softly. “How do you think we should handle this?” 

Joel already knew how he would have handled it if he was taking care of Ellie alone; if it was Sarah before the outbreak. Sarah knew better than to try that with him, though he feared that she still would one day try because of how absent his demanding job made him as a single parent. Despite parenthood being new to you altogether, Joel realized that it was a new experience for him as well in a sense. Even though Sarah was only slightly older than Ellie is now, the experience of raising a teen was stolen from him. Also, he’d never really co-parented before. Sarah’s mom became uninvolved so quickly that it had almost always been him making the final decisions surrounding every part of his daughter’s life. Even with the help of his family, he had no choice but to let full parent mode become second nature and he mentally prepared for that to last the rest of his life. 

It felt weird watching Ellie leave the house in the middle of the night with a stranger and not immediately do anything about it. Instead of reacting automatically, he reminded himself that, for the first time in his life, parenthood was a responsibility that he now shared equally with someone else. He couldn’t bring himself to wake you in the moment since he knew you often tossed and turned, struggling to find a good position to sleep with your belly. He also knew you’d get upset with him if he acted rashly. Joel just settled on keeping watch like he was up in the gate tower until there was a good time to talk to you. 

Your mind raced with scenarios, looking for the best way ahead. You were embarrassed at how long you took, standing there silently in front of a seasoned parent. “Baby, you look tired. Why don’t we leave it until tomorrow? She’s safe at home now. That’s what matters. We technically haven’t set ground rules for her here, so I don’t think it’d be fair to punish her. Just a firm warning with clear communication on our expectations. If she has concerns about living here with us, I want her to feel comfortable enough to tell us, so she wouldn’t feel the need to sneak out again. What do you think?” Your doe eyes looked up at Joel. Your genuine effort and sweet voice made him melt, but before he could answer, you kept going. “Maybe we’ll talk to her during dinner? I’ll tell Theresa that I need to be back earlier. You know what? I don’t know if I like that. I don’t want her to start thinking that family dinners have negative connotations if we only get together for one when she’s in trouble. Maybe we can talk to her right before dinner and then all can be resolved by the time the food is ready and we can all have a nice meal with a nice dessert. Maybe.” You rambled.  He leaned down to kiss your forehead. “Tomorrow sounds like a good plan.” You felt him breathe out a sigh on your skin.  “What were you doing up anyway?” “I told you, I couldn’t sleep.” “Yeah, but why?” Joel shrugged while rubbing the back of his neck. “I don’t know...the house could get broken into, the settlement can get attacked, you can go into labor at any moment…But it was a good thing I was up anyway.” “Aww, your daddy senses were tingling.” You said jokingly. “Excuse me, Darlin’, my what?” His eyebrows shot up. You could’ve sworn you even saw a little blush.  “Like how Spiderman has his Spidey senses that alerts him to danger.” Joel Always-horny-for-you Miller took it as a sign to flirt. “How about you meet me upstairs and…” He leaned forward and cocked a brow. “I can show you how much you make my daddy senses tingle.” “Eww.” The two of you turned to see Ellie at the kitchen opening. “All I wanted was a snack, not the intro to a poorly scripted porno.” She mumbled clearly under her breath. Either Joel didn’t hear or was too mortified to respond. You, however, had to laugh a bit. The two stood frozen in place and watched as she moved around the kitchen for a snack. It wasn’t until she went back into the living room did you pull Joel down to reach his ear. “I’m gonna be honest with you, I don’t think—.” “I agree, not my best work.” He whispered back.  “But I still picked up what you were putting down.” You wiggled your eyebrows in a comically romantic way. “So you still wanna…” His eyes darted between you and the stairs. “If you promise to rub my back first.” “I’ll get the tallow butter.” He began to jog out the kitchen when he turned back and said in a low tone. “But how does she know about porn, (Y/N)? Ellie,” He turned to the kid kicking her feet as she ate. “What do you know ‘bout—” “Don’t worry about it.” You rushed over to shut him up. He turned back to look at you as if he hadn’t only known her for a fraction of her life, looking like he failed at shielding her youth from corruption. “Huh?” She spoke up. “It’s ok, Ellie, go back and draw. It’s not important.” You succeeded in not laughing but still couldn’t hide the smile on your face. “We’ll be upstairs if you need us.” “Do I need to wear my headphones?” Ellie piped up with a mischievous smile. 

*********************

“Have a seat.” Theresa said as they entered her home. 

Earlier the next day, she met you at your house and the two of you set off on another one of your walks. She pushed the stroller all the way into Saoirse’s room. You mentally noted how the baby slept through the entire walk and seriously began to consider talking to Joel about the Swedish nap thing. 

“It’s so cold isn’t it? I’ll put the kettle on for some tea then maybe start a little fire. How does that sound?” She pushed the stroller all the way into the nursery before coming right back out. “Let me help you.” You began to hoist yourself up. “I can get the tea while you get her.”  “No, no. You’ve had enough physical activity so far. I know walking helps induce labor but I remember what it was like being that far along, feeling like a grapefruit was just always wedged between my hips.” She dipped into the kitchen, but continued to talk at a decent volume. “This will only take a moment and besides, as a mother, you come to really appreciate when your baby finally falls asleep. Sometimes I don’t even risk waking her up and just let her sleep in the stroller.”  “That makes sense.”  Theresa came back in with a plate of crackers and an open tin of sardines. “I know this doesn’t hold a flame to the dinner you cooked, but I figured if you were peckish and wanted a snack…” “I appreciate it.” You never shied away from seafood but certain fish you absolutely didn’t like. Before you were pregnant, sardines were one of them, but now, it is one of your cravings. A low whistling traveled from the kitchen. “Oh! Let me go shut that thing off before it wakes her.”

In no time, Theresa came back in with two hot cups of tea. She reminded you of your quintessential 1950s housewife, juggling a baby while accommodating guests all by herself. She seemed to do it all with such ease, an ease you aspired to get the hang of soon now that you have a growing family of your own. As you looked at her, you figured all she needed was a red lip, pumps and an A-line dress and then she’d fit perfectly into one of those technicolor sitcoms. 

Just like a perfect housewife, she flitted away to attend to her daughter next. And just like a greedy house guest, you dug into the food and drink, not even waiting for your host to come back. You nursed the tea until it was cool enough to down. Your cup was almost empty by the time you began to wonder what was keeping her. It couldn’t have been Saoirse, you thought, as you didn’t hear any cries telling you that she was now awake. Instead, the house was completely silent. It almost felt like you entered the Twilight Zone as the air felt so still. You stopped just shy of calling out for Theresa and instead opted to meet her in the nursery to see if she needed help with anything. 

Embarrassingly, it took you quite a few tries to hoist yourself off the couch. You hadn’t realized it until you began to move, but the couch felt extra deep than before. It was as if gravity was your worst enemy at that moment. When you finally made it onto your feet, a wave of dizziness washed over you. It almost knocked you back down onto the couch, but you were determined to not struggle and focused on grounding yourself for another couple moments. It'd been about ten minutes since Theresa left you alone. You not only needed to see if she was ok, but now you debated asking her to go to the stable and call the infirmary for Dr. Carson. After a few steps, the dizziness began to settle so you chalked it up to overexerting yourself on the couch. 

Theresa was silently standing in front of a dresser with a series of vials splayed across the top. From where you stood at the doorway, she seemed to be in a trance. She hadn’t moved an inch, none-the-less blink. Your eyes wandered and took in the rest of your surroundings. It didn’t seem like a nursery, but a regular room with a pristinely made bed. Not being able to even see the stroller, you pushed the door all the way open to get a better view. The hinges creaked and like a magician snapping their fingers, the sound cut through the silence and ripped Theresa away from her deep thoughts and back into the room. Her head whipped in your direction.

“Oh, I thought this was Saoirse’s room.” Your voice came out calm but your head was racked with questions. Your brain was starting to get so fuzzy that you couldn’t make sense of what you were seeing. “Oh, (Y/N).” Theresa blankly stared at you. “Oh no…(Y/N).  Your eyes ripped away from the rope and bucket of cleaning supplies on the floor to meet your friend’s. “I came to check if you were ok. What’s wrong?” “You were meant to wait for me. I told you to have a seat. I told you that I didn’t need help.” Theresa tried to say with a smile on her face but the words came through gritted teeth.   “I know, you told me to rest but—” You began. “You weren’t meant to come in here.” She cut you off. You didn’t know how to respond, you were so confused. You just stood there watching her watch you. Her head tilted as she studied your eyes. You hadn’t even realized they were drooping until her gaze made you self conscious. “You know what Gavin used to say to me? ‘How do you always stay so cool, calm and collected?’. Gavin is the leader of my old settlement. What a compliment that was from someone like him. That was when I respected him. That was before…well that part is beside the point. The point now is that things are not yet ruined. I mean I don’t enjoy being thrown off my path, but it's ok. We’re ok, (y/n).  Here,” She walked closer to you. “Why don’t you have a seat with me?”  “Why am I…” You shook your head with furrowed brows, suddenly becoming conscious of how your legs felt like jelly instead of flesh and bone. “That’s ok. You won’t feel any worse than this.” “Did…did you drug me?” “I helped you. You were tired of being pregnant right? I’m ready for the baby to come, aren’t you?”

Your mind was racing a mile a minute, so much so that you didn’t know what to say next. You didn’t protest as Theresa guided you to sit on the edge of the bed. You were afraid of falling forward and landing on your belly but you were also now afraid of her.

*******************

You were jolted awake by a powerful cramp. A long groan escaped your lips. Your eyelids were so heavy that you hadn’t noticed Theresa hovering over you at the side of the bed. You hadn’t noticed that she was wearing an apron and gloves. Hadn’t noticed how your arms and legs were tied to the bed posts. Nothing came clear at first. Just the intense contractions of your uterus. 

Even when you felt two fingers jam their way inside you aggressively searching for God knows what, you assumed that you were in the middle of a fever dream. You finally found the strength to tilt your head down and found Theresa sitting by the foot of the bed. She smiled up at you as she noticed you become a bit more lucid. 

“Welcome back.” Just as swiftly as she entered her fingers, she removed them. “You’re almost ready. Don’t worry, I’ll be here the whole time. I have every intention of catching the baby though this isn’t the route I wanted to go. Cutting you open would have been quicker as time is of the essence here,” She began, talking more to herself than to you. “But, frankly, I don’t trust myself. In hindsight, I would have focused a little bit less on acquiring drugs and a little more on honing my surgical skills.” She shook her head while moving some things around. “I’ve witnessed the horrible but ultimately life saving effects of a C-section. If done improperly, the baby could be left with scars or worse and I could never risk my baby like that. A mother should know her own limitations or else she can not properly care for the child. No, no. Don’t do that. Stay awake for me, (y/n).” Theresa took off the gloves and moved to the dresser with vials and syringes. “Yeah…I gave you the right dose.” She whispered to herself before turning to you. “Your body will push without you but it will be exponentially more slow and therefore that much more painful for the both of us, so I need you to stay awake now ok?”

Theresa moved to the head of the bed to sit you up and add pillows behind your back. Further, she untied the ropes by your ankles and like a doll moved your legs around as you could barely feel them. 

You were surprised as to how quickly the baby was coming. As painful as it was, you didn’t want the woman you thought as your best friend to handle your baby. It was even more painful to fight the contractions but still you tried, holding out hope that someone would miraculously barge into the room and save you.  

With dread, you had to give in to your body; it was a fight you couldn’t win. It felt like death was lingering over you as you continued to try and hold the crowning baby in. You were determined to not let it take either one of you. If it weren’t for the ring of fire, you were convinced the cocktail of drugs would have made you pass out for good. 

You couldn’t help but hold your breath with every push. Your heart pounded loud and erratic. Just when it felt like your chest was about to explode, you felt a great sense of relief. For a moment, you thought that pop was in fact your heart and that you’d died but enough pain continued in the background to remind you that you were still there in Theresa’s house. From what little words you could hear over your thumping heart, she announced the head was out. Encouragingly, she said that the delivery was almost over. 

In your dazed state, you were unable to keep track of time and had no idea how much longer it took to birth the rest of your child but knew it was over when you felt an even greater sense of relief. The feeling was so intense and, because of the drugs, absolutely euphoric. It felt like a blanket was covering your entire body in warmth and darkness. It was like being held tightly, tucked under the breast of your own mother after having a good cry. How could you not welcome such an embrace? It was hard to leave even if you wanted to.

[tloujm]

Part XXXVIII: Ellie’s Chapter 

Author's Notes: I should be more organized as a writer because, especially after taking a long hiatus, the timeline of things can get hazy for me. Like what time of year the chapter is in for describing the setting or like Ellie's age. I originally wanted Ellie to come onto the scene in this story as younger than in the video game since this story wasn't canonical from the start. I wanted the open, extroverted personality that we saw in teenage Ellie from TLOU I to come after she got fully comfortable with the Millers, so essentially I planned for her to grow into teenagehood in Jackson. To maintain continuity, I believe she should be about 13 yrs old at this point which I believe aligns with the DLC that includes her and Riley's story.

Summary: Ellie bonds with you and Joel and later finds herself on a nighttime adventure

Genre: Fluff

Ship: Joel Miller x Fem!Reader

Word Count: 4.6k

Ellie loved the space that you and Joel gave her. The three of you spent a lot of time together since her moving in. Even if you all weren’t doing something together, she really enjoyed just being in the same general space as you two. You grew to notice, outside of the hectic environment of the daycare, how clever and independent she was. Giving her this freedom allowed Ellie to open up more, giving you and Joel a glimpse into the kind of person she was before the trauma she faced prior to Jackson. 

Joel came home from a patrol meeting that Tommy tried to convince him was unnecessary to attend. The first thing he laid eyes on when entering the house was Ellie. Surprisingly, it did not take long for him to get used to her living with them. What surprised him was how easy it was to adjust to being outnumbered for the first time in decades. He couldn’t help but attribute that feeling of ease to flashbacks of his own daughter. It would flood him with emotions starting with warmth, then confusion then anger. Joel would try to stop himself from feeling too much before it got past the first phase. He didn’t want to end up lashing out and inflicting emotions onto her that she did not deserve. He figured one day he’d tell her everything about Sarah when the time was right. 

“Hey, Ellie.” Joel greeted her in passing. When she hadn’t responded by the time his shoes were off and jacket hung up, he was taken aback. “Whatcha doin’ over there, Ellie?” Still, there was no answer. His eyes finally stumbled upon you, reading a book in the corner of the living room. “Hey, darlin’.” “Hi!” You responded. Since the night your love life was reignited, you began missing him profusely. You were kind of embarrassed at how you waited for him to acknowledge you and otherwise paid no mind as to why Ellie was not answering him until he asked.  “What’s up with her?” Ellie’s back was to Joel. She was sitting at a desk facing the window. Only her leg was bouncing. Outside of that, she did not move.  You say nonchalantly, “She has her earbuds in. We went to the trading post this morning and she traded for a new cassette tape.” Joel grumbled as he walked up to give you a kiss. “She shouldn’t have ‘em—” “It’s not a big deal. She's smart, Joel.” “I know she's smart, but what if she’s all by herself in her room and someone tries to break in while she has the headphones on?” “She’s safe. I’m here all the time now.” “I know, but still, darlin’...I’m not sayin’ she can’t have ‘em, but just keep one in. I don’t want her to be caught off guard. Why’d you have to give ‘em to her anyway?” “Because she loves music. It’s helped her feel calm and she doesn’t want to bother us with the sound when she’s inside the house. Also, if you forgot, we have a baby on the way, so I’d call it a win-win.” She tried to lighten the mood but noticed the familiar scowl of overprotection was still there. “She won’t get too comfortable with them. She’s too smart for that.” Joel put his hands on his hip as his eyes bounced between the two of you. “Yeah, I guess you’re right.” He grumbled before walking up to the chair she was sitting in to kick the leg. 

“Oh!” Ellie exclaimed. “Didn’t mean to scare you; I tried callin’ you back there.” “Oh. What is it?” He shrugged and said nonchalantly. “Just wanted to say hi.”  “Hi, Joel.” After a moment of getting settled back into the house, he chose the armchair right next to yours. Before he could pull out his own book to get lost in, you gave Ellie an encouraging look. She spoke up. “Hey, um…do you wanna hear a joke?” “Why not.” He responded, trying to play it coom and hide his true enthusiam. “Do you know what’s not right?” “Left?” He answered with almost no hesitation. “Clearly, you’ve heard that one before.” “I ain’t new to the game, kiddo. I used to be known to crack a joke or two in my day.” He said proudly.  “When?” You asked. “Could’ve fooled me.” Ellie mumbled under her breath in the same sarcastic tone as you. “Yeah, I think you’re confusing yourself with Tommy.” You added. "He's the funny Miller brother." “Hey, hey, now. You don’t remember that clock joke I told you that made you fall back in love with me?” Joel smirked while you blushed. "Yeah but didn't Tommy tell you that one?" You chuckled. “Whoa, wait. You two weren’t always together?” “No.” You simply stated. “It’s complicated.” Joel added, seeing how Ellie looked expectantly at him. “Well, what happened?” Ellie asked with the widest eyes you’d seen on her since climbing the dinosaur statue. Joel coughed and readjusted himself in the chair. “It’s uhh…It's a long story. And not one for kids either.” To that day, he never regretted how things went down because he got what he wanted, which was to protect and have you, but that didn’t make him any less self aware as to how others who weren’t there would perceive him, especially a child. He didn’t want Ellie to think poorly of him or, more importantly, feel like she was unsafe around him. “I may not be an adult, but I’m not a kid either. I’ll understand.”  “Ellie, he’s right but we’ll tell you the story one day soon enough.” “Promise?” Before you could answer, Joel spoke up. “What’s important is that we’re together now and it’s staying that way.” Joel reached over and took your hand in his, rubbing his thumb over it. You smiled. “Can you at least tell me the clock joke that made you make-up anyway?” Ellie curiously asked. You looked expectantly at Joel to recite it. He sighed, still in the mood to move on from the dark memory of being broken up. “What is the downside to eatin’ a clock?” “Hmmm….what?”

“It’s time consuming.” You finished before he could. Joel looked at you in awe for remembering. It was something little but it meant a lot to him. He could still feel the pit in his stomach from how nervous he was to even talk to you that day.  Ellie chuckled. “That’s a good one actually.” “I thought it was corny but luckily for him I like corny.” You teased. “Ha ha, you know you loved it.” Joel mumbled sarcastically. “Got another joke in that brain of yours?” “I actually got it from this joke book a girl named Riley from school gave me. You know, I just saw a joke in there that I think would help you two stay together. It’s educational.” “Oh, Lord.” Joel sighed. “What is the leading cause of divorce in long-term marriages?” “Now, Ellie—” Joel began. “What’s the leading cause?” You asked for the answer.  “A stale-mate.” “That’s not educational, that’s awful.” Joel said. “You’re awful.” Ellie jokingly said under her breath. “Do you even understand what that means?” “Not really; doesn’t matter.” Having not lightened Joel’s mood like she’d hoped, Ellie quickly moved on to another page in the book. “Let me see…Oh! You wanna hear a joke about pizza?” “Sure.” “Nevermind, it’ll be too cheesy.” She busted out laughing almost before she could finish because she knew how bad it was. He let out a short chuckle “Terrible. Remind me to thank this Riley for giving you such a gift.”  “Well, here’s another…A book just fell onto my head. I only have myself to blame.” “I don’t get it.” He said.

“Oh wait! I said it wrong.” She chuckled. “Hold on, let me say it again.” She cleared her throat. “A book just fell onto my head. I only have my-shelf to blame.” You smirked at how playfully irritated Joel was looking by now. “You have any question/answer jokes in there like the first one you told me?” Joel practically begged. “Ok, here’s another one…what did the confederate soldiers use to eat off of?” “I don’t know. What?” “Civil ware” “Uh huh.” “Ok then, what did they use to drink with?” Joel just glared at her at this point, waiting for the answer. “Dixie cups.” Your eyes bounced back and forth between the two, waiting for a laugh or anything. Ellie seemed to have enough stubbornness in her to stare him down. “C’mon, Joel. You don’t think that’s funny? I thought you’d be able to relate?” “Why? ‘Cause I’m from the south?” “No..well I guess yeah, but mostly because you’re old.” “Oh shit.” You giggled as inconspicuously as you could, to which Joel responded with his famous glare. “Believe it or not, the Civil War was well before my time.” He grumbled. “I know, I know.” You could tell Ellie got a kick out of getting Joel’s uptight self riled up almost as much as you. 

The three of you spend the rest of the night in the living room talking and cracking jokes. At one point, you became suddenly conscious as to what was going on around you; everyone getting along as if they’d always been family. It felt so natural. Ellie wasn’t always this open; it was still a journey for her to surpass her past traumas and be a regular kid again but you could see her try. You learned that underneath it all, there was a sassy, sarcastic side to her. You learned that that was how she liked to process her reality.

Eventually, Joel stepped out to find a dvd at the library for an impromptu movie night while you and Ellie sliced potatoes for homemade chips. She settled onto the floor while you and Joel snuggled on the couch. She complained that Joel was hogging the bowl of chips. Joel complained that she was getting too many crumbs on the floor. You hadn’t realized how sloppily you were eating until Joel picked a chip that had fallen onto your bump and popped it into his mouth. 

Joel stretched his muscles as the credits rolled. “Think she’s asleep?” You reached over to get a better angle at her steady form. “I think so?” “Ellie.” He whispered loudly. He was tempted to throw a couch pillow at her to see if she was trying to fake him out like Sarah would do sometimes to get out of doing something, but she wasn’t her and he didn’t want to risk actually waking her up. “Guess so.” “Can’t believe she slept through all that action at the end.” You moved to get up but he stopped you. “Lemme get this dvd out of here ‘fore I forget about it.” Against his wishes, you hoisted yourself up, empty bowl in hand and walked toward the window.  “It’s snowing out.” “You didn’t need to get up.” “I would need to eventually get to bed.” “Is it really snowing out?” He walked over to you and peered out. “It’s comin’ down out there.” 

He sighed before turning his gaze to Ellie. Walking over, he bent down to wrap her arms around his neck. She leaned instinctively into him. He groaned, feeling it in his back as he picked her up. He thought against braving the cold to put her to bed in the garage. Instead, he carried her upstairs and laid her onto the couch in his craft room. You brought in some pillows and blankets as he watched her peacefully sleep by the doorway. He thought about what her background story was again, knowing her childhood was nowhere near as normal as Sarah’s. 

*******

Ellie jumped up at the sound of faint growling near her ear. Adrenaline kicked in, waking her out of her dream. Barely gathering her barings, Ellie worried if her worst fear was coming true. She’d been in the thick of it before, but had hoped it was all behind her since they let her into the settlement. The almost daily worry that she’d get bitten while she was wandering the country took a toll. What such luck that she’d get bit after living under the protection of the legendary Miller family. 

She went for the knife that he suggested she keep under her pillow when he gave her a tour of her new room. You were apprehensive about giving her a weapon because her trauma wasn’t yet fully resolved. She appreciated that he trusted her with one; he only agreed to it because she wasn’t sleeping inside the house itself. With the blade switched out in one hand, she felt around her neck with the other for any blood or bite marks as her eyes adjusted to the little light peeking through the windows. 

“Riley?” “Ow!" Ellie punched her arm. “What the hell! I thought I was bitten.” “I know, it was kind of funny.” “No it wasn’t. You don’t know what it’s like out there. You’ve only grown up here.” “Look, I’m sorry. I guess you’re right.” Riley’s eyes wandered down to the blade still out in Ellie’s hand. “But you’re not gonna kill me over it, are you?” “ 'course not…” Ellie shook her head as she put the knife back, still trying to root herself in reality. “Are we cool?” Riley asked genuinely. “Yeah…What are you doing here anyway?” “I want to go on an adventure. Want to come with?” “Riley, it's almost morning and I have school, then Joel is giving me riding lessons right after.” She watched as Riley walked around her room looking for something. “Did you hear me?” She tossed something Ellie’s way, barely catching it. “Just put some pants on and your coat and lets go. I promise it won’t take long. I just…I couldn't get to sleep tonight.” Ellie sighed “You promise? I don’t want to get in trouble with (Y/N) or Joel.” “When have I ever got you in trouble?” Riley asked halfway through the door. Ellie had to admit that whenever the two of them did anything together, they’d never gotten caught. But she'd also never snook out before. Riley wanted her to while she lived at the daycare, but sharing a room with so many other kids made it impossible for her to even try. 

In Jackson, there was never a curfew, but it was expected for people under a certain age to be inside after dark. The only places that really had people at all were the guard towers and The Watering Hole. Not wanting this to get back to Joel, she made sure to stay out of sight and dip into the shadows, pulling Riley with her, if anyone was walking by. 

“Where are we going anyway?” Ellie asked. “Nowhere in particular. I just wanted to take a walk until I got tired. I generally do this by myself but wanted company tonight.” “Where’s the adventure in that?” “I had to make it sound enticing to you. Besides, we might just discover something not meant for our eyes and it'd be cool to have a secret just between us, wouldn't it?” “Yeah, I suppose. You can’t sleep at night often?” Riley shook her head. “No, but let's talk about something else.” “Like what?” Ellie asked.  “Where did you come from?” “I'm pretty sure I was born in a quarantine zone in former Utah” “I didn’t know there were any QZs left on the west coast.” “There aren’t any now. That was the last one. They got ambushed by a group of rebels from the inside. They didn’t want to replace FEDRA’s control; they just wanted to end it. The whole QZ turned into a war zone and everyone scattered. I didn’t know where to go.” “You were by yourself?” Riley asked in disbelief. Ellie nodded her head. “I don’t remember my parents. I only have a picture of my mom, but never met her. Maybe she died in childbirth. No one ever really told me anything. Me and the rest of the orphans were raised in military school.” “You were being trained to be a soldier?” Ellie nodded again. “Our main enemy were the Fireflies and a couple of smaller factions on the west coast. I didn’t know why we were meant to be fighting them, but FEDRA gave me a bed and prioritized us when food was rationed, so who was I to complain?” “My mom was a firefly.” Riley confessed. “What?” Ellie gazed at her for the first time in a while during their walk. “Obviously, she’s not anymore. She knows Joel’s brother, Tommy, too.” “Wait, what?” Ellie exclaimed, feeling like her world was getting smaller and smaller all of a sudden.

“My mom, Tommy and a handful of them left the fireflies because…well my mom told me that their beliefs were no longer the same and didn’t want to kill all willy nilly anymore; But that’s why they left the QZ to join them in the first place. By then, I was real little and the only kid apart of this runaway group. I barely remember that time of my life. I remember Tommy playing with me sometimes, probably trying to keep me calm or whatever. Apparently, he heard about Maria’s settlement through the grapevine. It was much smaller than it is now. He thought it would be a safe and unassuming enough place to raise a kid, so we made the trek there. Maria and her dad let us in. He fell in love with Maria and my mom fell in love with my dad, who had already settled there, and the rest is history.  “Wow. To think if things hadn’t changed and we’d stayed where we were—” Ellie began.

“We would be enemies.” Riley finished. They walked in silence for a few beats. “I’m glad we live in this universe where we’re not.” Ellie smiled and playfully nudged her shoulder. “You know,” Riley began to lighten the mood. “There’s this rumor that there is an unguarded gate on the east end of the settlement. First, they were short staffed of watch guards volunteers and then had to basically draft people to do it. It was the least active of all the directions because it faces the mountains, so people got bored and stopped showing up for their shifts. It's supposed to be kept locked, but we should be able to find a way past it. Rumor has it, your new mom—” “She’s not…I mean…I don’t know.” Ellie struggled. She didn’t know how she wanted to see (Y/N). Most days, you felt like an older sister and others you came off as more maternal, two things she had never experienced in her 12 years of life.  “Sorry. My dad has always felt like my dad, but I guess that's different because I was so little and remember almost nothing before him. Well according to the rumor, (Y/N) was able to sneak out through the east gate a few years back because it wasn't guarded then either.” “Nuh uh. Why would she need to sneak out? She could just tell them to open the main gate and leave whenever she wanted to.”

Riley shrugged. “Maybe she wanted to get away from Joel. He looks so intimidating. I’m sorry but I'll take Tommy over him any day.” “Looks can be deceiving; I learned that the hard way out there. Joel really isn’t all that bad.” Ellie shut down her claims by defending him, but her thoughts still lingered on why you would sneak out of an unoppressive settlement. She almost confided in Riley concerning what she learned earlier that day about your and Joel's breakup. “Well, It's all just hearsay. Who knows if that even really happened.” “What else do you know about her?” “I’ll tell you what I know if you go out with me.” Riley bargained. “Out there? Beyond the walls?” “We won’t go far. We’ll be back well before the sun comes up and no one will know that we were gone. That’s if the rumors were right and that we can make it past.” “You promise we'll be back soon?” Riley held out her pinky. “I promise.”

“What are you doing?” “Its called a pinky promise. My mom taught me this and we do it all the time, at least when she wants to make sure I won’t get into any trouble.” She chuckled. “It basically means that the promise is real and true.” Ellie understood but still stood there not knowing what to do. “Look,” She felt Riley gently grab her hand. “Stick your pinky out like me and we lock them together just…like…this. Then we both say ‘pinky promise’ to seal the deal.” “Ok. Pinky promise.”

Ellie and Riley bounced around from point to point like ninjas, deftly evading any lingering grownups, until they made it to the east gate. They cautiously scoped out the area for any on duty guards. Riley said “I told you so” after they both confirmed it was clear. There were only two ways out: to climb up and over the wall with a rope or pick the lock to the heavy metal door on the side. Neither one of the girls knew how to pick a lock, but after a good 5 or so minutes of trying and almost giving up, they succeeded. 

For the most part, they kept quiet, not wanting to attract any runners or clickers. Along the way, they picked up some bricks and a lead pipe for protection. Ellie had never left the walls of Jackson since she arrived over a year ago. While being outside the walls brought back memories and emotions, she kept them at bay to stay alert. She knew that she was more experienced than Riley and wouldn’t know what she’d do if she got hurt. 

“Hey Ellie, help me lift this.” Riley was crouched down near a steel I-beam. It was clear that she wanted to move it to use it as a makeshift bridge as they were met with a shallow but wide sink hole.  “Okay…” She wasn’t too enthused but gave it a try. It was heavier than they both thought and lifting it shifted all of the rubble on top. Following creaks and rumbles, it started to come crashing down. Scaring them, the two girls ran away to a safe distance. “I say let’s find another way.” “I agree.” Ellie replied.

They kept walking around until they found an abandoned building with a door barricaded from the inside and a busted out window up high. Riley volunteered to go through and find Ellie a way in. Once Ellie boosted her up, Riley yelled that she made it through fine. While scoping out the area to make sure infected weren't around, Ellie heard some scuffling as if something large and heavy was being dragged against the floor, then silence. She called out to Riley but not even crickets could be heard as it was too cold outside for them.

Ellie tried the door and this time it gave way. Walking inside, she was immediately greeted by a large green creature with a creepy grin on its face. It didn’t scare her in the least. There is nothing scarier than a bloater, she thought. As soon as she took a step further inside, Riley popped out of the shadows with a killer clown mask on and growled powerfully. 

Ellie playfully punched Riley in the arm for scaring her a second time that night. She had never seen a place like that before and questioned its purpose. Why were there so many plastic things made to look scary sitting on shelves? Riley pointed out a mask that Ellie attributed as half wolf, half man. There were drawings of spider webs on the walls and shelves behind actual cobwebs. Not all of the masks were scary, however. She found one of a green bird with a backwards hat on that she adored the silliness of. The two of them stayed a while and looked around, pocketing whatever little thing was of interest. 

“Come look at this.” Riley beckoned her over.  “‘Skele-seer: ask Skele-seer a question and shake for your fortune.’ Okay…” Ellie did as she was told. “Are we going to die today?” “Really?”  “Wouldn’t you want to know?” “Well what does it say?” “Um….” Ellie looked at the eyeballs on the skull and thought the answer would be revealed there, but alas. “Nothing.” “You gotta turn it over, genius.” Riley replied. “Oh! Well, it says ‘dreadfully unlikely’.” “Phew! What a relief.” They both laughed.  “Will I ever get good at riding a horse?” Ellie whispered to the skull then shook it vehemently. “‘I feel it in my bones’. Joel will be happy to hear that. Okay…let’s see…Am I ever getting boobs or what? ‘The spirits are quiet.’ Ugh, of course they are. Thank you so much, spirits.” “Hey, do you hear that?” Riley abruptly began walking toward another door. “Wait, Riley, I think we should head back. We're probably pushing our luck if we go any further.” She pivoted back to face Ellie. “You sure?” “Are you getting tired yet?” “I suppose by the time we make it back I will be.” She nudged her. “C’mon, let’s go.”

The two girls began back tracking their steps. It wasn’t long before a pit grew in Ellie’s stomach. Without a word, she signaled Riley to stop and listen. The screeches of Runners could be heard in the distance. Ellie saw the panic in her eyes but commended her on not acting out on it. Stealth was the name of the game as the two of them didn’t have ideal weapons. 

Unfortunately, the ledge of some scaffolding they were climbing up crumbled. Not only did the crash knock the wind out of them, but it attracted a fair sized group of infected. Riley was the first one up and immediately pulled Ellie onto her feet. With every ounce of energy that the adrenaline could give them, they ran. Ellie could feel her heart beating through her chest and wondered if Riley felt the same. Of course she is, she thought to herself, we’re about to die; the Skeleseer lied. 

After a little while of zigging and zagging through the night, Ellie realized that they’d lost them. That hadn’t stopped their legs from continuing on until they hit the east gate. Ellie and Riley felt like their bodies were about to explode now that, on the other side of the heavy metal door, they could rest. Ellie fell to her knees, huffing and puffing until the adrenaline began to subside. Riley slid her back against the now locked door, then rolled over to lay flat on the cold, hard ground.

Riley broke the silence. “You okay?” “Yeah…” Ellie replied, still out of breath. She decided to lay flat next to her. “You?” “Yeah, oh my God.” Riley laughed. “That was wild.” “You wanted an adventure.” “I’ll always remember this night.” She turned to look at her friend. “Thank you for coming out with me. I wouldn’t’ve without you.” “You definitely shouldn’t have done something like that without me.” Ellie turned to face her in return. She could see most of her face now that the dark sky was beginning to brighten. “You’ve been out there alone, though.” “I had no choice. I had nobody.” Riley slid out her hand. “I know, but...you have me now. I’ll always be here.” Ellie’s smile reached her eyes. “Pinky promise?” Sliding out her own hand, she stuck out her pinky. Riley locked her own in place and they stayed like that. “Pinky promise.” 

Once her body cooled down and the cold ground began to bother her, Ellie scooched over closer and closer to the girl that helped her escape the Runners. They held each other's gaze for a solid minute before chuckling again. Sounds of the jovial moment were broken by Ellie closing the gap between their lips. 

“Sorry.” Ellie said immediately after pulling back. Despite the apology, she couldn’t help the little grin that twitched at the corner of her mouth. Even if friendship would be all they’d have, she was proud of herself for going for it.  “For what?” Riley smiled even bigger.

Ellie could only count on one hand how many people in her life she felt comfortable around and was the happiest she’d been in a really long time to know that Riley was still one of them. 

[tloujm]

Part XXXVII: Your New Groove

Author' Note: Sooo....I saw the votes and firstly thank you to everyone who did! More people participated than I thought would and it made my heart full! I can only hope this new installment in the fic was worth the wait of almost two years later. If you haven't peeped the final results, posting the chapters one by one now beat out posting all at once later, so I WILL get them all edited and set up to post on a more frequent basis. Thank you for your ongoing patience, for sticking with me and I thank you in advance because where this story is about to head, now that I am locked into the final act of Joel and the reader's storyline, I'm interested to see what y'all think.

PS: I never wrote smut like this before and I haven't written smut in a WHILE in general. I was so nervous to post this.

PPS: Sorry for the delay. Just when I was ready to upload this yesterday, Tumblr wanted to give me technical difficulties. I don't know if that was the universe telling me not to post yet but I just waited until the website wasn't being temperamental with me again.

Genre: A little fluff to start, a buildup with angst and a roaring slide into smut town

Summary: There's a glimpse into your budding friendship with Theresa. You, Joel and Ellie prepare for new changes in your joint lives. You and Joel...ahem... bond as he attempts to give you relief during the last stages of pregnancy.

Ship: Joel Miller x Fem!Reader

Warnings: Small mentions of "daddy", ABF/lactating kink, pregnancy sex

Word Count: 4.9k

“I’m sorry again about dinner the other night.” You started. “(Y/N), I mean it, It’s fine.” Theresa chuckled as you two took a walk around the block. She recommended these walks to induce labor sooner after you complained about being tired of the persistent pelvic pain. You would push through it to walk with Theresa and Saoirse to the pantry or daycare to pick up supplies on her way home. Theresa made sure that she bundled her up well as it had been particularly windy this winter. “I can’t believe I overcooked the venison. It's harder for them to hunt in the winter, so I really hate wasting food this time of year.” “It wasn’t a waste, we still ate it.” “It was tough and dry. It was more like jerky instead of a roast.” You pouted. “Can’t believe I forgot it in the oven. Joel was right to call me stubborn for not using the timer.” “They call that pregnancy brain. You can't help it.” She laughed comfortingly. “I had it too.” “I suppose that makes me feel a bit better.”

Earlier that week, Theresa was finally able to take Joel up on his offer to come over for dinner and finally be introduced to you in person. Before that, it had just been two weeks of talking on the ham radio. Your chats would only be a half hour tops since the stables, where the radio she used was located, was not as warm as her house. She told you once that she read before the fungal plague, it was common to have your baby take a nap outside in Sweden. Something about the brisk fresh air aided in good sleep. She took those trips as an opportunity to try it out, telling you about how bundling the little one up and parking her hand-me-downed stroller at the door of the stable worked like a charm. If the idea was odd to you as someone from the north-east, it surely would not sit right with Mr. Texas. 

You were surprised that she hadn’t brought her baby over for dinner. She didn’t say that she wouldn’t through the radio but once she showed up, she explained that she hardly ever had time away to just be an adult and not just a mom, so she found a babysitter. You and Joel understood that. He learned to believe that it truly took a village to raise a child and was lucky to have had as much help as he did as a teen dad.

Theresa blended into your life surprisingly well from the start, almost as if a kindred spirit. She made you feel so comfortable with the idea of motherhood and was very kind to Ellie. Joel always kept reservations about people in general, but you noticed nothing of real concern from him, especially after he noticed how much you’d begun opening up physically. He made a mental note to thank Wendy one of these days.

You even felt comfortable enough to talk to her about intimate things; things about your ever changing body and marital issues. You knew that Joel wouldn’t want you to share the latter, but you felt that those issues stemmed from a sense of low self esteem. Theresa had a way with words and it really seemed to get through to you better than anyone else. That was Joel’s goal, so he ultimately couldn’t be mad at that, you thought.

She became something like the sister-you-never-had and you couldn’t wait to formally meet her baby. You had yet to hold or so much as see her from being completely bundled up. You thought about yours and hers growing up together; imagining a more comfortable Ellie babysitting the two. The daydreams were a heartwarming glimpse into a life that you never imagined you’d have even before the fungal outbreak.

*********

With only a handful of weeks left in your pregnancy, Tommy started to reduce Joel’s shifts. Used to keeping active, he immediately felt weird about it, but overall knew that he wanted to be there for you. 

Recently, you entered your final phase of the pregnancy: nesting. Honestly, it did annoy Joel when he couldn’t find things. You’d constantly move them around claiming that it was not the perfect location or baby proofed. Joel couldn’t afford to properly baby proof his home when Sarah was born, but she never got seriously hurt, so he didn’t think too much about changing their home. He only imagined it a bit more messy with toys and such. Despite all of that, he admired your ingenuity as he watched you DIY padding for table corners. 

Joel found that this phase would annoy you too, but only when he was involved. He always seemed to be in your way and asked too often if you needed help. Ultimately, his solution was to do something outside of the house to give you some space. This is what started one of his biggest home projects to date.

Chicken pox broke out at the daycare which delayed Ellie moving in. Her initial response to the dinner where you asked if she wanted to live with you two was positive yet reserved, but by the end of the meal, Ellie showed how ecstatic she was to join the family. While she was still on the mends of sickness, Joel decided to finish his surprise for her so it could be ready once she was fully healed. 

A sigh of satisfaction left Joel’s mouth when he opened the door to the garage; the renovation was almost complete. You suggested to him that she might like to have the garage because she was a preteen currently sharing a room with 5 other girls and may want space. He argued that you were overcompensating and offering too much space as the garage was twice the size of the master. You rebutted, expressing fear that she may feel smothered if you two forced her to stay in the craft room which was right next door to them and the nursery. It was also slightly smaller than the nursery. Joel, on the other hand, was more than fine with packing up his woodworking things and moving it into the basement or garage to keep her close by. Besides, he knew that soon enough she would be a full fledged teen and was afraid of experiencing the rebellious teenage years that he only got a taste of with Sarah. He wasn't ready to catch any unexpected visitations of the male variety alone with her in the garage. 

Despite you two being the closest people to Ellie at the settlement, you knew that her moving in was a big, new transition in her life on top of the trauma that she was nowhere near finished processing. Their views on assuming what was best for her were too opposing to save her bedroom location as a surprise. They eventually decided to let Ellie choose where she wanted to stay on the property. 

Joel was proud of his handy work and hoped that she would like her new room. Seeing it set up as a living space again reminded him of when you lived there after you two moved to Jackson. He couldn’t help but decorate it based off of Sarah’s room as that was the only preteen girl he knew, but also made sure he scattered some stuff of Ellie’s around to make it feel familiar. While quarantined at the daycare, she worked to pack the rest of what she owned, which was not much. The memories of his daughter and your distance from him at the beginning mixed in with the room’s future use brought up bittersweet emotions.

He took a break from the garage to have lunch. The faint sound of your cries traveled down into the kitchen. It took only a few moments for it to hit Joel’s ears again as he stopped what he was doing to confirm it wasn't in his head. Immediately, his protective mode activated and he sprinted up the stairs to see what was wrong. 

You were standing in the ensuite bathroom with the door open. He found you topless, weeping in front of the mirror. His eyes immediately went to your chest as if it was his first time ever seeing a pair of breasts. He only ever gets to see yours lately in glimpses. They were larger with fresh stripes patterned across them. Your areolas were larger, darker and noticeably puffy. He cautiously approached you, surprised that you did not cover up or back away. You were genuinely at a loss and needed help. 

“Nothing’s working.” You sniffled. “What’s not working, darlin’?” He gently attempted to pull you into a hug. You hissed when your nipple barely scratched the fabric of his worn out sweatshirt. “’m sorry.” He whispered. “Baby, what’s wrong?” “They hurt so bad! I didn’t think this would happen already. Dr. Carson didn’t say that I would need to pump so early!” Your voice was laced with frustration. “The pressure was never this bad—” “Why didn’t you say anythin’?” “It was never this bad before; barely felt it. It would leak, so I put towels in my bra. The pressure would relieve itself and then build back up and leak again." Tears continued to stream down your face. "This morning though...they feel like they're going to explode right off my chest. They won't even leak. The pamphlet said that massaging them would ease the pain, so that’s what I did and it helped at first, but it came back. It said that the milk gets stuck if it just sits there. I'm trying to pump it out but the damn thing...” You sobbed. “What’d you mean stuck?” “Something in the milk causes it to harden.” You pouted. “The baby isn’t even here yet so I can’t breastfeed and I can’t figure out the fucking hand pump. It’s not fucking staying on and I…” You pointed to it laying on the tiled floor. “I kinda broke it and…and the pamphlet said that it would only get worse if I don’t get the milk out!” You cried out all at once. “It said my ducts could get completely clogged and that it could lead to fever and infection!” You leaned your head on his shoulder as you rambled and he rubbed his hands up and down your back. “It feels like fucking rocks are trying to come out; they're so fucking heavy!” Your tone became one of defeat. “I don’t know what else to do, Joel. I feel so bad; That was the doctor’s only pump.” You tuck your head into his chest and Mumble, “Just fucking cut them off of me. I don’t care anymore.” “Here, sit down for me, ok baby?” Joel guided you to the toilet. “Where’s the pamphlet?” Joel couldn’t help but find you adorable. Even though he knew you were in real pain, it reminded him of when you’d sometimes act out melodramatically to get his attention and it did always get his attention. “I’ve read through it all, front to back. I tried everything it told me to do. Hot towel compress, massage them…and I did it exactly as they said.” You responded as you pointed out the bathroom door into the bedroom. In large font, the front of the tri-fold read 'Breastfeeding 101'. Joel picked it up and returned to you. “Some came out earlier, but nothing now. I haven’t hated my boobs since high school when I first got stretch marks.” Joel chuckled lightly, thinking that you were making light of it yourself until he heard your sobs again. He came back into the bathroom with the pamphlet, reviewing it himself just in case you missed something.

“Umm…ok” Joel too was at a loss. He never encountered this issue with Sarah’s mom. He knew that she ultimately decided not to breastfeed, but if she had any issues with it, she didn’t share it with him. Despite their intimacy, she understandably shared most of her maternal struggles with her own mom. “Let’s try something new, alright? First, let’s get you comfortable.” “How am I supposed to get comfortable?” “You’re gonna lay down for starters, now c’mon.” Joel helped you up and walked you to the bed. “Feel better?” “A little.” You whimpered. “I promise I will make you feel better.” He said in his soft twang. He kissed your forehead before sprinting back to the bathroom to soak another towel in freezing cold water. “Warning, its gonna be real cold.” You watched as he gingerly shifted each breast to fully cover every inch of your chest. “Let that sit there and I’ll be right back.” He began to sprint towards the door when you stopped him. “Where are you going?” “I’m gonna go call Dr. Carson from the craft room. I’ll just be down the hall.” “Please don’t leave.” Your voice was not only laced with defeat, but with desperation. It pulled at Joel’s heartstrings badly. “Darlin’, I know you’re in pain now, but maybe the doc has some pain meds or they found another pump.” He expressed. His doe eyes gave you one last look. Your silence was his response to go. 

As he walked down the hall to their ham radio, Joel thought about what would happen if there actually was no other pump. The medicine was only temporary; it’d only mask her issues until it wore off. He heard you request that they be cut off, but what if it actually came to something like that; surgery? The only other time you were ever meant to have surgery was at the Firefly hospital, St. Mary’s. Joel’s fists subconsciously tightened at the thought of you being on an operating table for something that wasn’t yet life threatening. What if Carson had never done a procedure like that before? What if you bled out? Then, another disturbing thought popped into his head. The doctor, assumingly a bit younger than himself, would probably try to manually pump her while sedated before deciding on a procedure. Another man’s hands on your chest, kneading and massaging them. Joel’s mind snapped out of it when you began to moan and whimper. His own hands, out of muscle memory, had already turned on the radio and tuned to the infirmary’s frequency. 

“Carson!” He let go of the button as he frantically waited for a response. “Neil!” He tried again. “Son of a bitch” He whispered under his breath. Joel contemplated whether he should make a run for it down to the infirmary or not.  “Can I help you?” Another, younger, man’s voice responded. “Where’s Carson?” “He’s in surgery right now and we just started. Is this urgent?” “Yes. Listen, this is Joel Miller and—” “I know who you are.” “My wife, she’s in severe pain.” “Is she dying?” “She’s pregnant!” “Is she in labor?” “No, but—” “You need to understand, there’s not many of us and it's all hands on deck for this surgery. I’m sorry.” “Listen, do y'all have a breast pump?" The man on the other line sighed as if he was too busy for this. "I don't think so. We did, but some couple checked it out already. The scavenging groups already know to be on the lookout for more." "Nothing?" Joel exclaimed desperately. “Sir, I will let Dr. Carson know about your situation post op, but he needs to focus. He hasn’t done a ruptured appendix since before. In the meantime, I will send someone to drop off some painkillers; something strong. Hopefully that will help until we can make it over.” Joel let out a weary sigh as he wiped a hand across his face. “Thank you.” He had no choice but to accept the reality. He dreaded going back to tell you the news, so he took his time heading downstairs to put some ice in a bowl.  “Is he coming?” You asked when Joel finally arrived at the bedroom door. He brought his eyes up to meet yours. They were apologetic as he shook his head. 

Joel knew something had to happen and it was now or never. You felt the bed sink as he laid on the other side of you. He sat up, hovering over you as much as he could and pulled back the damp towel. Your skin was less red, which Joel figured was a good thing. He reached his arm back to the end table beside the bed and grabbed a few cubes of ice. You watched as his veiny hands slid them up and down your skin. He would start up top, then slowly rub them in circular motions almost down to your nipples. Your skin was still very warm, so the ice wasn’t uncomfortable. As calloused as his were, the ice hardly affected his bare skin either. Your eyes were closed with your head laid back against the pillow as you tried to focus on relief. The melted beads of water dripped off the tip of your nipple onto your belly. Joel salivated, turned on by the extremely tempting thought to lick them off, but ultimately knew it was not the time. He even held back a deep moan that built up in his throat as he began to eye fuck you.

A faint knock barely pulled Joel’s concentration. “I think I heard someone at the door.” His voice came out low, almost raspy. “Here,” He grabbed your hand, leaving a chaste kiss on the palm before laying it on top of the ice that he left on your chest. “Keep going for me. That’d better be your medicine…”.  Joel swung the door open and only found a cloth tied up like a pouch by his feet. Opening it, he found 3 oval, white pills and a note: Acetaminophen. Take one every 8-12 hours. This should hold her. He brought them upstairs with a glass of water. Your eyes opened when he entered the room. Your wet hands pushed yourself up into a seated position. “Easy.” Joel warned warmly. “They melted.” “I’ve got more in this bowl for you.” “I like it better when you do it.” Joel smirked deviously. “I liked it better when I did it too. Now, how’re you feelin’? The pain.” “They still feel so heavy, but the pain isn’t as bad anymore. My skin is a little numb.” “Good, I reckoned we’d try cold instead since the hot towels were making my baby cry. I’ve got some pain killers for you too. This should last you the rest of the day.” He handed you the pill and water.

After a few moments, you scooched down to lay back and Joel took a couple more cubes of ice in his hands and repeated the earlier motions until they melted too. His hands stayed there against your skin. He felt the knots that clogged your ducts and began kneading them out in every direction.

Within the hour, the two of you felt the difference; The knots were dissipating. Trying something different, he cupped each breast in his palms, practically engulfing them. The pads of his fingers slid up and down your stretch marks, dragging your nipples between them. You hissed at the overstimulation rather than the previous stinging burn. Joel whispered sweet nothings in that Texan drawl that you fell in love with. He increased the pressure once you gave him the ok. A faintly audible moan of relief escaped your lips as a bead of milk began to form. Joel watched as it grew bigger until gravity allowed it to fall, like the melted ice, onto the back of his hand. He kept up his pace. Various consistencies leaked out until it became a steady trickle. His fingers moved down and began to knead your nipple with his thumbs, lubricating them in hopes that it would soften the calluses. They perked up at his touch. His hands began to cramp up a while ago, but the progress encouraged him to continue for a bit longer.

Joel abruptly stopped to reposition himself on the bed and give his hands a break. Laying on his side, he propped himself up with one hand and gently grasped the same breast with the other. Thinking he just needed a new angle to get comfortable, you finally let your eyes close to focus on the pending relief. 

Joel finally looked at you and found your face to be serene. It gave him the confidence to play on his previous thoughts. He gently lifted your soft breast and licked the underside curve until his tongue met your nipple. The pad of it applied pressure flat onto the perked tip until he heard you hiss again. His lips, then, fully wrapped around it. He stayed there like that for a moment, barely moving his tongue around you to give you a chance to adjust to the new sensation.

The feeling shot ripples of pain and pleasure through your body. You hardly moved, opting to stare straight up at the ceiling. As if given permission, Joel’s tongue began to circle your nipple more tightly. He watched your fingers grip the covers beneath you.

The flow of warm liquid was new to him. Instinctively, he let it slide down his throat. Joel would be lying if he said that it didn’t taste a bit sweet. He had long become accustomed to drinking his coffee black since acquiring beans was a luxury all on its own, but it reminded him of his favorite brand of creamer from before the outbreak. It brought his mind back to when things were normal. It was a comfortable and cozy feeling. He couldn’t help but feel weird about the connection that his brain was making, but he also couldn’t help this sort of primal urge for more; more nostalgia, more of you.

Joel was a mess or at least he was about to be. The sound of your whimpers and moans unleashed a flood of arousal to his cock. He realized that milk drunkenness was a real thing when it began to sneak up on him. If he wasn’t careful to keep some semblance of sobriety, he’d find himself making a mess in his pants in no time.

Between the rush of blood down south and the flow of milk down his throat, his body was becoming flushed with heat. He wanted to strip down right there and then, if not to relieve his own pressure but to tease you with his tip. He willed himself not to, however, because you still needed relief. He needed to focus on you not him.

The heat of his breath on your skin added to your own haziness. He had every intention of sucking you dry before moving on to the other, but he needed a breather. He didn’t realize that his beard was slightly wet until he rested his chin on the space between your breasts. You brought your fingers up to linger through his hair. 

“Look at me.” Joel panted, reaching up to tilt your head down. “How you feelin’, darlin’?” A medley of breathless whimpers was all you could muster as a response. Your mind was already mush and you wanted to keep it that way. The pain of the other breast was almost nonexistent; almost. Joel smirked. “Can you handle more?” He rubbed the side of your thigh as you nodded. “Say it.” “Yes.”

Expecting him to go straight to the other breast, he sat up and pulled his sweatshirt over his head and tossed it on the floor. Next, he slid your panties down your thicker thighs and let it fall in the same direction. He used his knee to spread your legs before splaying his fingers across your thighs to get a good grasp on them. With a little more aggression than he meant, Joel pulled your entire body down the bed so you could lay flat. Sliding a hand underneath the small of your back, he lifted you up just enough to place a couple of pillows under you for support. He, then, disappeared past where you could see and tucked his head between your thighs. You could hardly run your fingers through his hair in this position, but he easily managed to reach one hand up to grope your other breast.

He dragged his tongue flat across the length of your lower lips, settling onto the bud of nerves at the top. His other hand was preoccupied with making sure your legs stayed wide open for him. They always had a penchant for snapping shut around him, something he usually enjoyed. He knew his work was more sloppy when that happened, allowing himself to succumb to the mind swimming pleasure of being pussy drunk. That night, however, he wanted to focus on you more than revel in his own satisfaction. 

He continued to massage your engorged breast with your nipple rolling in between the tips of his fingers. Your clit revealed itself more as he blew cold air on it, giving him permission to take it completely into his mouth. His tongue swirled and sucked in a quick, continuous motion. He squeezed your nipple between his fingers harder, making you arch your back, until the dam broke. Enough of the clots had passed and now milk was streaming. A scream escaped your lips as you began to transition from pain to pure pleasure.

The motion of his tongue slowed, much to your dismay. As swiftly as he could, he switched spots. Your clit only ached and throbbed for a few moments before it found comfort between his slick and calloused fingers. Like your nipples, he squeezed and rolled.

Above, he continued to suck you dry like his life depended on it and it kind of did now that it was no longer a trickle. Beads of your creamy white dribbled through his beard and down his neck. You began to feel overstimulated before even reaching release. All you wanted as relief from the pressure, but you had to tap his shoulder to beckon him up and give you a break. What you saw in his eyes when they locked on to your was pure, feral lust. Despite his mouth now only hovering over your breasts, he allowed his fingers to continue. His eyes silently dared you to tell him to stop. Your hips continued to buck up into his hand. He adored the look on your face as you took him so well. The way your body reacted to his aroused him so much that he couldn't help but focus back onto his own building pressure. Joel repositioned himself a bit, straddling your one leg between his two and started to grind his hips up and down. The relief was minimal as he preferred to be inside you. He also preferred to be naked. The denim rubbing against your skin made you notice that he was still clothed from the waist down. Gently, you pushed him off, earning yourself the famous “Joel Glare”, something he couldn't help giving you as he didn't appreciate the immediate build up of pressure again. His eyes quickly softened and he felt a bit guilty as he picked up on your intentions when you began to unbuckle his jeans.

Joel fought the urge to help since it took you a moment, but opted to just enjoy the show as your fingers adorably fumbled over each other in anticipation. They gingerly brushed across the trail of dark hair on his lower stomach with all of your attempts. Still straddling your left thigh, he bit his lip at the sight. Finally undone, Joel took over to quickly get them all the way off, briefs included. When his cock sprung free, you saw that he’d already made a mess of himself with precum steadily dribbling out like a faucet not quite turned off. At that moment, you didn’t know what you wanted more, to take as much of him in your mouth as you could or guide him to your still wet cunt.

Luckily, he made the decision for you. “Eyes here.” He smirked, wanting your full attention. “Are you ready for me?” You laid back and nodded your head. “What'd I say? I need to hear that pretty, sexy voice of yours.” This was the most intimate he’d been with you in several months and his feelings were all coming to a head. “Yes! I need you so bad right now, please!” You desperately exclaimed. He lowered himself close to your ear for just a moment. "Your wish has always been my command, baby girl."

Abruptly, Joel turned you onto your side and threw aside the pillows. He replaced them as your support, allowing your body to lean back towards his. You felt the hair on his chest brush against your back. He slid his arm around your chest to pull you in closer. His fingers rolled between your nipple to milk out the last of it. Your insides were throbbing around nothing and you needed him to fill you, feel you; to know that what your body was doing was not of your own accord, but by his. All of your worries and self conscious thoughts were long gone. You didn’t care anymore; you were just horny for him.

He proceeded still with a bit of caution despite picking up on your body language, afraid you'd suddenly recoil from him. He could let himself go feral and fuck you into oblivion from behind, but thought this was a better position to start with; the two of you could always do work your way up to that later. With one hand slid between your thighs, he lifted your leg up. With his other, he stroked his cock a few more times to get it good and slick. It twitched with anticipation as he lined it with your entrance. 

Joel couldn’t help but release a low, guttural moan right in your ear just after the tip slid in. He wanted to cum so bad already and he didn’t even have the pleasure to be fully inside you yet. You didn’t even give him a moment to gather his bearings before you scooched backwards, sheathing him further inside. Your walls barely fluttered against him. He released, coating every inch of them in ropes of cum. Just like he did to you, you milked him dry. You kept a vice grip on him as your walls still pulsed to bring your own release even as you felt him soften. You forgot how amazing it felt to be so stuffed and full. 

Over and over, he huffed your name through breaths. His voice was deep and raspy. His hand struggled to find purchase on your body, not wanting to hurt you, so he could redirect his overstimulation. You felt his breath panting in your ear as he aggressively cupped your inner thigh. 

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry.” He repeated as he finally began to come down. He peppered wet kisses behind your ear lobe. “Hmm?” Off in your own world. “I just need a moment to catch up. Then, we’ll finish. I promise.” “Take your time.” You said, feeling pretty relaxed none-the-less. Joel peaked over and watched as you tried to finish riding the wave to get yourself off.

You untangled your legs from his and repositioned yourself for better reach of your clit all with your eye closed. It amazed you how much you no longer cared about how you looked. All you wanted was to cum and you were fine if he didn’t get you there that time. You would make sure that he made it up to you later. He watched as your back arched up off the bed as much as it could despite being weighed down by your belly. Breathy whimpers escaped your lips. Your legs stiffly straightened while your toes curled as you found what you’d been looking for. The way you looked, the way you sounded; it was an experience Joel was privileged to behold and it quickly aroused him all over again.

Between your and his cum, you felt so filthy that you didn’t even want to move. Joel was too engrossed in gazing at you, even minutes after you caught your breath. He was usually punctual about aftercare, but still he laid there next to you. Without even turning to meet his gaze, your hand reached out to find his partially flaccid cock and began to gently play with it. Your goal wasn’t to get it back up just yet, but to just be blissfully intimate. His eyes followed your hand and watched you make contact. He hissed a bit when your nails dragged across his sensitive length. 

“Jesus woman, what are you doin’ to me?” He asked. “What are you doing to me?” You retorted with the same question with a giggle. “God, you're so beautiful." His low, roughly velvet voice stated lovingly. "Stop." You blushed with a shy grin which made him smile widely. "I must not be complimenting you enough if you still don't feel good about taking them." You shied away playfully by sliding away to the other side of the bed. Joel immediately scooched over to follow you, leaving his body flush against yours to spoon. "You never did that before.” Joel quipped in reference to masturbating in front of him. “Yes I have.” "Not with me. I never saw you touch yourself...like that. You usually wait for me to get my bearin's so I take care of you proper." "I do wait for you but I do also touch myself when you're not around." "Why didn't I know this?" "You jealous you're hands aren't the only one's touching me?" You joked. "Yes ma'am I am when you put it like that." "My hands are the next best things when you're not around. But if it's any consolation, I imagine they're yours." "You better be." He replied coyly. "But if it's any consolation to you, Darlin', I'll be around much more often, so you won't be needin' your imagination." He pinched your chin gently and turned your head to face him, taking your lips into his. It was a loving, drawn out sort of kiss. "How're ya feelin'? If you need me to go back in and...um...relieve some pressure for you," Joel cocked his brow and shrugged. "I'll take good care of you. And I don't want you gettin' all shy about it neither." He gingerly groped your breasts from behind. You turned around in his arms and cupped his face with your hand. “I think there's still some left for you to take care of but they don't hurt anymore. You did make me feel better just like you promised you would.” You leaned in for a kiss. If you weren’t completely grounded in that moment, you would have missed his bottom lip tremble a bit. The movement of your legs immediately reminded you of the mess that both of you made.  Joel heard the faint, tacky sound and whispered. “Don’t worry about that. I’ll get us cleaned up.” He began to roll away when you put your hand on his chest. “No, I’ll get up. I have to pee anyway.” “Nah, I’ma get up.” A grunt escaped his lips as he sat up. “Joel….” “I never made you clean up before and I sure as shit ain’t gon’ start makin’ you do it now.” His features softened and his voice deepened as he leaned down to reach your lips. “Am I understood?” You smirked. “Yes, sir.” He pecked your lips before slipping out of bed completely naked. You listened to the water run from the ensuite. Anticipation grew within you, as if it was your first time, as you waited. Joel clicked his tongue, announcing his return. “Dagum, you’re a fucking sight, you know that?” The left corner of his lips curled up as he gazed at how the sheets draped around your body.

Tenderly, he pulled the sheets away, spread your legs further apart and sat between them. Using two fingers, he circled your entrance with the soothing cloth. Your faint mewling did not miss his ears. 

In a clean transition, Joel removed the cloth from the equation. His middle and ring finger took one more lap around your labias before sliding inside of you. His thumb kneaded your still sensitive bud, causing a crescendo to begin building. Almost like a spasm, your hips bucked erratically in retaliation to his thick fingers going in deeper to find your spot. It hadn’t been touched in so long, you forgot how quickly he could find it; how well he knew your body. They slid in further, knuckles deep. The metal of his wedding band cooled your hot flesh. Your walls were clenching tight around his fingers. Always obliging, he went faster when you begged. He made sure to make you do that first, however. The way you begged so sweetly went straight to his cock and in almost no time, it was engorged and at attention again. He fit a third finger from his other hand inside you to gather enough slick to slide onto his shaft. Between both hands, Joel tried to keep an even rhythm, but knew he was getting sloppy. Your walls were beginning to contract erratically too. He knew it was time for everything to come to a head. 

“Alright, you ready for me?” Joel asked? “I’ve been ready! Joel, I'm gonna cum." Joel couldn’t help but chuckle at your bluntness. “Not yet, Darlin'. Get on your hands and knees.” He watched the shock on your face and couldn’t tell if it was from his fingers abruptly leaving you empty or because you hadn’t explored that position in a while. “C’mon baby,” He helped you up and around. “Ass up, front and center, now.” He positioned himself behind you, his warm hands massaging your ass before sliding them down your back to push you into the pillow. “I ain’t hurtin’ you, am I?” “Uh, uh.” You shook your head against the pillow. Your legs were snapped shut squeezing, not wanting your clit to die back down. He slapped your right cheek. “What was that?” “No!” You yipped in return. “You’re not hurting me.” “Gon’ tell me if I do, you hear me?” Joel could’ve sworn you called him daddy after you answered yes. It was all muffled by the pillow, but it was still enough for him.

He grabbed as much of your ass as he could in his hands. He loved how supple they felt in his hands. He gave a harsh squeeze as a test, to which you moaned. He stopped himself from spreading your legs apart and instead eased his cock in between your thighs. You felt how it just rubbed against your clit. Joel could’ve cum right there and then, but wanted to be inside you. That was his ultimate goal; his prize. He’d be damned if he let that opportunity slip again. 

With one hand gripping your hips and the other gripping your hair, he eased himself into you. It didn’t take long for him to gradually pick up the pace. His own hips rocked into yours harder and harder, waiting for you to protest but you never did. Your entire body rippled like a wave to his movement. It was the most intense amount of pressure you’d ever felt in your life between feeling like you had a bowing ball stuck inside you and your husband filling you up.

“Mmm” Joel grunted. “focus, now.” Your rhythm was becoming erratic again. His one hand was now splayed across your lower back. The muscles and veins in his arms flexed as his other gripped onto you tighter. “Yes! Like that, baby. Rock back into me.” “Oh fuck, Joel, please.” You exclaimed breathlessly. “Please what?” His excitement increased when you started to beg. “It's too much.” He began to slow down. “Does it hurt, baby? Want me to stop?” A bit of guilt flashed across his eyes.  “Don’t stop. Don’t slow down. It just…I feel so much. I feel like I’m about to explode but like a good explosion.” “That’s the goal, Darlin'. Matter of fact, don’t lose that feelin’ ‘cause I need you to cum for me. Right now.” “No…” You tried to catch your own breath. “No?” He almost took offense.  “I want to feel you first.” You intentionally squeezed around his dick harder. Joel bit his lip and grunted as he fought against his own climax. He almost had to laugh through the pain of holding back. “I don’t think you’ve ever told me no before.”  “Guess there’s a first for everything. Please?” Your voice was so innocent; how could he deny you?  “You know what you gotta do then, right?” “Whatever you want.” “Call me that again.” “Call you what?” “What you said in the pillow there. Thought I didn’t hear you?” “I wanted you to hear me, daddy.” “Fuck me…What am I gonna do with you?” Joel edged himself as much as he could. He wanted to ride the build up just a moment longer. You teased him, saying it again, knowing that you had him in the palm of your hand. “You like that, huh?" “Maybe.” His brows furrowed in concentration as he tried his best. He blew air out between puckered lips to try and steady himself, but it was of no use. His glass overfilled and he had no choice but to let it spill. “I’m cumming, baby. Fuck!”

Though his movements were faster, his hips snapped erratically into you. He didn’t care about rhythm when his mind was going black due to the vice grip you had on him. All his body could focus on was the explosion of hot, sticky cum uncontrollably flooding out of him. You bellowed out this beautiful whine that made his dick, already a sloppy mess, twitch. His hips slowed down as your grip around him loosened. All but the head slid out. He wanted to stay in a little longer when he collapsed onto your back, but between both of your slick, it wasn’t easy.

Not wanting your back to ache, he allowed himself only a moment of rest before sliding out and straightening up. Joel’s eyes caught the translucent cream sliding down your leg. You felt his tongue lap it all the way back up to your entrance. Your weak legs trembled at the touch. “Whoa, steady now.” His hands held your hips before guiding your body to lay back down on your side. While up, he grabbed the cloth and quickly cleaned the two of you up again. 

He couldn’t wait to get back into bed with you after tossing the cloth in the sink. Spooning you from behind, his body fit around yours like a glove. You let him wrap his arms around you and pull you in closer.

[tloujm]

What would you prefer?

I have been working on writing slowly but surely to finish this project not only to have a sense of completion but because I know there's some of you out there that want to see it finished and I owe that to y'all. I hate to see a story unfinished too. I have 6 chapters finished but unedited. I can either focus on editing them and set them up to publish one by one on a schedule OR finish writing the rest of the chapters out, edit all of them and publish all at once (I'm aiming for the holiday season) for you all the binge read. I've been waiting to publish them all at once because I keep changing my mind on how I want it to end, but publishing one by one will keep me on a straight path and probably finish sooner. Either way, I think I'm gonna do an epilogue as well outside of finishing the story as well as continuing one shots.

Release chapters 1 by 1

Release chapter all at once when I finish the entire story

Voting ended onSep 26, 2024

[tloujm]

I still haven’t given up on your fic! It’s really good :) I hope you’re well and happy!

Thank you for your kind words! Probably the same person I just answered from a very old ask.

I definitely need to finish this thing don't I? I have like three jobs now *insert dry crying emoji* but what's ironic is that when I only had 1 PT job and all the time in the world to write, I had writers block. Now, not only am I starting to write based off my previous notes on how to tie up this story, I've come up with new ideas to make things even more complicated for myself. I love it here.

Thank you for hanging on and bearing with me. You're lovely

[tloujm]

i miss your posts and i literally check your account every day to see if a new chapter is uploaded but i hope you're doing well and living your best life! <3

Thank you for your patience with me! *this is from my laptop so just imagine that there are several crying emojis here*

[tloujm]

This is by no means meant to pressure you, but I literally check your account to see if you've updated the fic ;____; So excited for new chapters! I hope you're doing well and thriving!

🎄Merry Christmas🎄

Hey! Thank you so much for enjoying the work I've put out and for checking in! I hope you're doing well and thriving too!

I'm just answering this one bc I think it was also you that sent the other ask in my inbox, checking in from months ago. Sorry about that.

As you noticed, I fell off. Me and my family don't really celebrate Christmas, so I thought I'd have the day to catch up on this account, but now we all of a sudden have plans. Heading out now actually. So I hope you enjoy your holiday and I will be posting again soon!

[tloujm]

Headcanon IV: Non-apocalyptic AU

Author’s Notes: I truly can go on and on with this scenario. Let me know if you want a pt. 2! Ended it at the day after Joel’s bday so it could be definitively in a universe where the fungus infection does not happen. Other than that, my usual disclaimer on these headcanons being in a shared universe do not apply here because this is an AU! I love a good AU because sometimes I love a character but not the settings or their circumstances. That make sense? Either way, hope you enjoy!

Joel meets you when Sarah is in Kindergarten 

You become his neighbor by living in the same apartment building

Joel made Tommy take out the trash and while he was outside, spotted you moving out of a U-Haul by yourself

He was the first to introduce himself to you 

Because Sarah was at school and Joel was off, Tommy ran back inside to recruit an extra pair of hands

Tommy had immediate plans to set the two of you up since Joel hasn’t dated since Sarah’s mom left

Joel wasn’t in the mood to help anyone move, but he also wanted an excuse to put his business textbook down

He quickly liked that you weren’t annoying like his brother

Joel has lived at that complex for a few years and never really spoke to his neighbors

He didn’t feel the need to

He kept to his life, which as a single dad with a blue collar job took all of his time, and let his neighbors keep to theirs

He would say hi and bye to you in passing at first

You would go over to borrow tools

He would offer to fix whatever you needed the tools for

Caved and bought a puppy since it was the only thing on his daughter’s Christmas list

Joel begins to vent to you about his unit being messy from the dog’s high energy and him not being potty trained

You offer to walk the dog and help train him when no one is home to

After several months, you become his closest neighbor

One day, Joel’s boss calls for him to come on site last minute for a construction emergency super early in the morning

Tommy was out of town for another construction job

He was the only person that he trusted to babysit Sarah after moving away from their parents

He never had a reason to distrust you since giving you a spare key to his place for the dog

You got through life so far never having babysat, but you saw the bags under Joel’s apologetic eyes after you opened the door

You couldn’t say no to him or Sarah

That morning, you made her breakfast and took her to school

Joel would try to not push Sarah on you when his job was being extra demanding, but every so often, he would ask and you would always oblige

After another several months, you were practically apart of the family

Tommy would keep pestering Joel to ask you out 

Joel came home from work one day to relieve you

When he walked in the kitchen, he found you and Sarah making dinner together

At that moment, Joel decided to finally muster up the courage and shoot his shot

You made Joel a happy, happy man when you agreed to date

Sarah was also happy because she got to spend her free time running up and down the stairs of the complex to play in both your and his units

Joel knew that if he came home and she wasn’t there, she was safe with you

He would take a moment to decompress from his day and freshen up before skipping up the stairs to greet the two of you

Once your lease ends, you move in with them

Quickly decide that a two bedroom for 3 people and a dog is too cramped

Together, the two of you buy a nice two-story house

It was not too old, but old enough where it needed some fixing up before moving in

It was a family affair where Tommy and Joel did most of the work because of their skill set

And you kept Sarah out of their way and out of danger during the day while you helped Joel relax from all of the home and work construction that wore down his body at night

Despite their being a source of income from you too, Joel felt the pressure of now having a mortgage

Joel’s job didn’t seem worth it anymore as his boss became more demanding with no pay raise to match

You encouraged him to revisit the goal of creating his own construction business

You would stop at the library on the way home and get him some books to read on start-ups and upskilling

You eventually convince him to leave that boss and take a PT job at a hardware store so he could go to night school 

Joel has no problem with you being the major bread winner, but he does sulk from time to time but tries his best to hide it about not feeling like the best father and boyfriend at the moment

Tommy helps him pay for a ring

Its nothing flashy, but he knows you’ll love it

After 4 years together, Sarah starts to consider you her other parent and calls you "mom”

It starts with her going to Joel right before Mother’s Day and asking him what he thought about it, worrying that you would reject the title and not see her as a daughter

Joel felt blessed to have you help raise his daughter and his heart melted when Sarah wanted to do something for you on that day

He pushes away her worries and helps her execute an entire day dedicated to you and being a family

In turn, Sarah helps Joel propose

The two of you decide to elope in favor of a big family vacation as the honeymoon

Tommy comes to chaperone Sarah while the two of you have alone time

You officially adopt Sarah 

A picture of the two of you holding up the signed adoption papers hangs on one of the walls

As soon as the honeymoon is over, she starts BEGGING for a sibling

She was the only one in her small-town elementary school to not have a mom or siblings 

She happily completed one goal and quickly moved onto the next

It took a year, but she got her wish

She wanted a brother, but got a sister

Joel was destined to be a girl dad

Middle name is Eleanor 

Tommy breaks up with his girlfriend, leading him to move in with his brother and his family

He becomes a built-in manny 

Walking the dog and/or the stroller quickly gets him back into the dating game

Sarah finds all of the women that he is talking to intriguing and helps him find a new girlfriend

Joel and Tommy go in on the construction business together 

“Miller Bros. Construction”

Between the still energetic dog, the new business and a baby, Joel was noticeably adding some salt to the pepper on his head

Hair everywhere else was still dark brown

In two more years, Sarah surprises Joel by buying him a new watch for his birthday

You help her buy it, but ever the jokester, she claims that she earned the money herself by selling hard core drugs

The five of you all go out to eat for dinner

Joel wears a clean, black cotton button down tucked into dark blue jeans

All of you have cake back at the house

Sarah puts enough candles to match his age on the cake and calls him an old man inside his birthday card

You fall asleep in your bed after putting the baby down

Tommy snuck off in the middle of a movie that Joel and Sarah fell asleep on in the living room

Waking up to paid programs, Joel turned everything off and carried Sarah to bed

Everyone decided to turn his birthday into a long weekend trip

Joel didn’t want that much attention on him, but obliged when he saw his girls’ puppy eyes

Tommy Showed up at their house late the next morning

“C’mon now! We gotta hit the road ‘fore we run into this lunchtime traffic.” Tommy said as he walked into their house to start loading bags

Everyone agreed to take a road trip from Austin to a water park in Houston to beat the last bits of the Texas summer heat 

[tloujm]

Headcanon III: Joel Being Soft

Author’s Notes: Not entirely based on original canon but also not AU. Based on the same universe as my multi-chapter series found in the masterlist. Definitely, don’t have to read all those chapters if you do not want, but I have a preface or prologue that gives the gist of the universe that I encourage to read if there’s any confusion.

Joel gets you gifts that may seem little, but are sentimental

They show you that he really knows and thinks about you

Has no problem crying in front of you

He seldom does, but after the dangerous coast to coast journey, he trusts that he can be vulnerable around you

His voice changes when he is in a softer mood

Its still deep but less gravelly and gruff

Its lighter and more smooth

Somehow his southern accent is thicker when he is softer

Joel looks 10 years younger: his eyes are more doe-y and some of the lines on his face just disappears. Lines that you thought were permanently there but are only there because of his resting serious face to ward off danger

Secretly loves the monthly community bonfires

It gives him a chance to get handsy under the blanket you two share

And he loves telling you campfire stories in your ear just for you

When in a goofy mood, he would tell you embarrassing stories about Tommy growing up

When he’s in a dom but still soft mood, he will tell you scary stories that will make you want to cuddle closer to him for protection

Either way, he will pull you in by wrapping his arm around you

Almost exclusively soft around his family members in private

The most soft around his children

Joel seldom sings, but has sung all of his children to sleep at least once

Sarah when she’d wake up from a bad dream

Ellie after they made up and she crashed at his house

Your and his baby whenever they were especially fussy at night and he didn’t want you to wake back up and worry

Joel can now casually share memories about Sarah without feeling defensive around you

Cracking dad jokes that are actually funny

Sometimes

Though the ones that aren’t are still meaningful because he genuinely wants to see you laugh or at least smile

His hand often looks for yours

He is not the biggest fan of PDA, but his hands are always hungry for you in some sort of way

In the very least, he will let his fingers caress yours for a long moment while walking side by side before finally entangling them

His thumb will almost always linger on some part of your body to draw circles as a reminder that his is there

Has never verbalized it, but he loves to cockwarm to stay physically connected to you

Will wash your hair if you two take a shower together 

surprisingly good at scalp massages

But you make sure he cleans under his fingernails first

Acts like he doesn’t like to do fun things, especially in public, but he enjoys exploring and taking you to new places within reason

Loves to hike and enjoy nature

He will wake you up early to suggest an impromptu hike outside of Jackson to see the sunrise from a nice view point

Joel also surprisingly encourages movie nights and prioritizes the scavenging of new movies

Will actually put effort into date nights

Even the most casual dates require some sort of planning and he puts detail into all of them until its your turn

While it feels weird to have no plans for the day, he enjoys taking his time gazing at you to commit your entire being to memory

One time and only one time, you caught him making funny faces at himself in the bathroom mirror while getting ready for the day

He thought you were still asleep

His ideal pass time is to rock in his chair on the front porch at sunset with you by his side

If his hands aren’t busy playing the gee-tar, they are caressing your thigh

He is listening to the laughs of his kids inside the house with a smile, knowing that they are safe and sound with him

After years of living in Jackson, he just pretends to be grumpy for continuity and because he knows you secretly love it

[tloujm]

Headcanon II: Joel’s Hobbies vs Shared Hobbies

Author’s Notes: Not entirely based on original canon but also not AU. Based on the same universe as the multi-chapter series found in the masterlist. Definitely, don’t have to read all those chapters, but I have a preface or prologue that gives the gist of the universe that I encourage to read if there’s any confusion.

Joel:

Joel hardly relaxes in the sense of doing absolutely nothing; only when he’s sleeping

He HAS to keep his hands busy

Joel’s favorite thing to do when he is alone with free time is to play his guitar

The ol six string

He likes to start with a familiar song that he learned a long time ago, then turns it into something that he makes up on his own

He’ll start singing when he knows that he’s truly alone

Joel’s no longer shy about you hearing his voice, but has the most confidence when no one is around

Used to sing for his daughter when she was a baby

Loves woodwork as well

It was a hobby that he picked up when he was a teen in workshop class but soon had to put it on the backburner when he became a teen dad with Sarah

To provide for his young family, he rekindled his interest of it and got into carpentry

Before the outbreak, Tommy encouraged him to branch out on his own and start his own construction business

Now, he makes little things here and there like sculptures and toys for kids at the daycare

He accepts commissions to do specific things from time to time, but really has the most desire to go with the flow and create what comes to mind

His passion project is creating a guitar from scratch

He finally accomplished it decades later and gifted it to you

You eventually pass it down to Ellie decades later when you are old

He collects guns

Not a large collection by far, just a wooden box with a lock with his favorite revolvers.

Didn’t pick up this hobby until after he settled in Jackson

Before Jackson, guns were just as disposable as the ammo used in them

He takes good care of his little collection, now having the time to properly clean and polish them

The muscle memory of it all is therapeutic for his hands

Together:

Baking

It’s not something Joel enjoys doing by himself at all. You HAVE to be involved for it to keep his interest

Collecting DVDs when scavenging for movie nights

playing checkers or backgammon

Teaching Ellie how to play various card games

Archery

You get Joel into this as an alternative to guns just in case he ever runs out of ammo

He thinks it’s gonna be easy peasy; just point and pull, but he soon learns that there is strategy to it

He is proud of you when he sees how much more honed your skill is to his

The two of you go outside Jackson’s walls to practice together

[tloujm]

Headcanon I: Yandere

Warnings: Yandere is an archetype that defines a character whose love, admiration, and devotion is so strong that it can be expressed through forms of obsession and possessiveness. 

Author’s Notes: I truly do not believe that Joel has a Yandere personality. He has some traits that may fit the archetype, but not enough for it to be consistently considered Yandere. Though Yandere is ultimately toxic, and he is ultimately a toxic man, I somehow like reading them and figured I’d stray off the path of canon once more to do one for him. Honestly, I feel like this is tame compared to some of the yandere I’ve read in the past. This is all based in the same universe as the main storyline that I JUST realized that I never created a title/name for.

Ship: Joel Miller x Fem!Reader

Joel is all about survival. It stemmed from not letting his daughter’s death be in vein, then it just became a habitual instinct. When you came into his life, it became this intense drive. 

Admittedly, he didn’t trust you at first, but when he finally let his walls down, they never came back up at least for you

Surviving to Joel means having the “either its you or me” mentality and he almost always chooses you over anybody else, even himself

Joel is 100% ok with sacrificing his life for yours

He would for sure take a bullet for you in a heartbeat 

It’s just a cherry on top that he knows that you would do the same for him.

On one hand, he wants nothing more than to spend the rest of his life with you, so he will make sure that the both of you survive

But on the other hand, he believes that he will see his daughter again if he dies and what better way to get there than to save you

Especially since he couldn’t use his life to save Sarah

He only survives for you 

You are his reason

The same reason that he asks you to search for when you get mad at him for taking you away from the fireflies

You never told him what your reason was, but he desperately wanted you to say that it was him

His brother is a bonus reason once they reunite in Jackson

Ironically, he becomes more protective over you when the two of you decide to stay at the settlement. 

Outside of Jackson’s walls, he needed you. He tried his best to do everything for you: shoot, sneak around, escape, etc...but he had to admit that he probably wouldn’t have made it out of some situations without you.

Within Jackson’s walls, it was easier to make sure that you were safe, but he still knew that there were dangers.

The number one danger that he anticipated was getting too comfortable

Baring the surname Miller, he became a well known citizen of the settlement

Joel used this to his advantage and made sure he kept eyes on you at all times through his connections

There was very little that you could hide from him at the end of the day

Joel tried not to let anything suspicious get to him, but he is more of an act first, think second kind of man

This would sometimes lead to arguments

Especially when you first find out about this and how long it’d been going on for

He’s done a good job at keeping all of that away from you and it takes you a while to catch on

He knew that you’d consider it spying instead of how he intended, care and protection.

Insists on giving you guitar lessons when he is in a lighthearted mood

Or when he knows that you are mad at him and he wants to say sorry

Despite how he comes off, he has an incredible amount of patience for those he cares about and is willing to take the time to teach you things

The two of you fall into a relationship without formally defining it

During your journey, before making it to Jackson, the two of you never got intimate. There were implications of romance, but there was never an appropriate time or place to act on it.

Once in Jackson, Joel was tired of dancing around the matter and took control of it

As soon as the two of you were left alone again by Tommy and Maria, he caressed your cheek in his hand and confessed his feelings with brevity

His vows were simply “I am yours and you are mine”

With the famous Joel glare gaze

He waited for you to agree

And luckily for the both of you, you did

He made sure that the two of you didn’t separate by having you live with him

He never stepped over your boundaries physically

As aforementioned, he has an abundance of patience and waits until you are comfortable enough to share a bed with him

As soon as you do, Joel is all in

His arms are wrapped around you

When he moves in his sleep, which is rare bc he sleeps like a rock, you move with him to keep the same locked position

Practically has a heart attack when he wakes up to a cold empty bed

Doesn’t consider himself a deep sleeper, but somehow you still manage to escape his grasp for one reason or another throughout the night without him noticing

Joel responds by laying a leg over yours to hold you in tighter

One of the first reasons why he feels the need to keep eyes on you

Wanna sign up for scavenging or patrol routes? Only if he has the time to sign up for the same ones you do. 

Wanna work in the community gardens? Joel’s not afraid to get his hands dirty.

Want peace and quiet with the watch tower duty? He’ll be up in the tower first waiting for you to show up to your SHARED shift.

You asked if he ever got tired of you from being around you all day

Joel: “No” *continues to sip his coffee casually*

He knocks on the bathroom door if he feels that you are taking an excessive amount of time to check on you

Yes, he genuinely misses you, but he also wants to make sure that you haven’t suddenly died on him.

His protectiveness over you, before it got overbearing in Jackson, is what initially caused you to have feelings for him.

He is a possessive lover which has enough pros to keep you going, but definitely has its cons

As a private man, Joel is not into PDA

But he will do so if he feels his relationship is being threatened by an outside force

The most PDA he will do on a regular basis is keeping his hand on you at all times

Not necessarily hand holding, but keeping his hand on your lower back, back of your neck or your waist.

Sometimes, his fingers would dig into your skin to pull you closer to him

He would never harm or put his hands on you, but he left marks

A lot of marks especially after a pretty spicy night

As a private man, he likes the marks to be in places that he could only see

Every so often, he would let you leave the house with clear and visible marks even if there are no direct threats, just as a gentle reminder to anyone who is interacting with you in general.

He prefers his mouth or hands over anything to mark you; no ropes or other extra toys

Also in private, he loves to cuddle

He loves that you enjoy the weight of his entire body on top of yours

He especially loves it when you wrap your legs around his waist to pull him in closer than he thought he already was

Despite this, he makes sure that he doesn’t fall asleep in this position as he is afraid of suffocating you 

He, instead, prefers to have you lay on him

Not just next to him with your head on his chest or an arm slung over

He wants your entire body on top of his like a weighted blanket too

Part of his obsession infatuation intoxication with you is because of your natural scent. Your pheromones if you will

Yours in particular drive him crazy in a way he’s never felt

The source is your sacred middle which is why there is never a dull moment in your and his sex life

Even in non sexual ways, he loves being around your pussy

cockwarming

Joel likes to lay his head on your fupa/lower stomach for the soft warmth and to easily take in your scent from the close proximity 

If he’s not in a position to be touching you, he very often has his own eyes on you

He’ll offer up his special Joel glare that he saves just for you (barely any different from his usually glare)

While Joel is more serious than playful, he likes to turn it into a game by seeing you fight the urge to meet his gaze and to see how long it takes before you do so 

He always gets jealous but is good at controlling it if the two of you are near each other and you are not giving him at least an once of attention. 

Joel has a desire to protect you from unseen forces too, like colds or the flu, but doesn’t beat himself up when he fails to do so

He takes advantage of the times that you are sick because he gets to keep you all to himself in the house

Joel will put his foot down about not being able to work his patrol shifts because he’s too busy caring for you

Joel finds himself conflicted between not wanting to see you in pain and having you be completely dependent on him.

He’s also conflicted about getting you pregnant

He doesn’t want more kids for various “practical” reasons 

Afraid of feeling guilt over replacing Sarah

Taking his energy away from protecting you to protect someone else

Afraid he may become too soft to protect either one of you by being wrapped around the babies finger

But he also wants kids with you for various reasons

One of his favorite ways to mark you is internally with his cum

The heavier you grow with his child, the more dependent you’ll need to be of him and it’ll be longer than a cold

He’ll convince you to be a stay at home mom, so he wouldn’t have to worry about the whereabouts of two separate people as the child would always be with you.

A child would most likely encourage you to stay within the settlement’s walls

He’ll try to convince you to want a child too

If you are not ready for one, he will be super patient and bring it up every so often to see if your answer has changed

At the end of the day, he has lost too much in his life and he will do everything in his power not to lose you either