Signs As Traits They Definitely Always Have Always All The Time All Of Them
Aries: fights people. a lot. picks fights with everyone. mailman? fought him. principal? fought him. parents? john cena? lucifer himself? fought, fought, fought. fought em all. unstoppable fighting machine.
Taurus: eats everything???? stomach is a bottomless black hole of despair and pizza. tried touching a taurus' belly once. took two weeks to get that hand back from the void. would eat the entire planet if human mouths were made bigger.
Gemini: two-faced. literally has two faces. if you can't find a gemini's second face, chances are you just don't know where to look. it's there, it's watching, and it's a major bitch. avoid geminis.
Cancer: cries all the time. needs a lot of food and can't sleep for long periods of time. big attachment to parents. loves milk. wait, no this isn't a cancer. this is a baby. a literal, honest-to-god baby. oops. but it's a simple mistake, really. all cancers are under the age of two. indisputable fact.
Leo: a lion. just a fucking lion. why all lions are born between july 23 and august 22 i have no idea. it just ended up that way. don't question them on it. you're talking to a goddamn lion why would you argue about their birth. they could maul you, dude. big cat. scary cat. no fighting with the big cat allowed. quit it. no.
Virgo: legit perfect. good job. look at you, all clean and perfect and shit. totally fuckin adult and presentable. cool. capable. professional. honestly? nice one, virgo. give yourself a pat on the back and a well-deserved drink. you've earned it, kid. seriously, you've earned it. stop trying so hard. you're good. you're done. holy shit. stop.
Libra: tiny. all libras are tiny and sweet. have you ever tasted a libra? very sweet. sometimes have powdered sugar. sometimes are glazed. donut holes. i am talking about donut holes. and also libras. they are one and the same.
Scorpio: bitches. every last one of them. often seen with second-in-command gemini bitchface mcgee. will cut and destroy you for laughs. dont fuckin cross a scorpio, do you have a death wish?? because they will kill you. because they are all bitches. all of them.
Sagittarius: asshole. but very, very pleased about it. smug asshole. has no friends. none. not even the other assholes. scorpios and geminis hate them too because there is a fine line between being a bitch and just being a plain asshole. and the sagittarius is the ultimate asshole. ouch.
Capricorn: do you ever stop working? no, because you have no life. working is your life now. don't like work? too fucking bad, shouldn't have been born in or around january, you little shit. now you're a workaholic. that's just how the cookie crumbles, my friend. now get over your sad, sad lot in life and get the fuck back to work.
Aquarius: why are they so weird? they're so weird. they're like, aliens or something. holy shit are they aliens? they're actual aliens. there is one in sight and it is a literal fucking alien. it is unzipping its human suit and it is an alien. how did we even fall for this as an entire species, their disguises look like cheap party city single-use halloween costumes and they wear leg warmers. fucking. fucking leg warmers, guys. we really couldn't see past the leg warmers? guys. dudes. humans. we have failed as a species. and now we are infested with aquarius aliens. thanks a lot, adamant refusal to judge clearly outdated eighties culture. and by thanks a lot, i mean fuck you. fuck you too, aquarius.
Pisces: look, i'm gonna level with you here. it's the end of this long-ass zodiac post and i am exhausted. i don't have the time for this so you're just a fucking fish. my sincerest apologies, pisces. this is your pitiful destiny. resign yourself to simply being a nondescript fish with no real characteristics or personality to name. i don't understand what traits you could even possibly possess other than being a fish. water trait? sure let's, let's just fuckin go with that. i'm done. i'm going the fuck to sleep.
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