The Exposition Dragon

He/Him (sort of; It's complicated) American with ADHD.

[tobiasdrake]

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[tobiasdrake]

Haruhi Suzumiya kicks in the door and flings an entire-ass computer and monitor at Computer Club President's face, screaming "You! You know computers! Get my girlfriend out of the computer or I'll kick your ass!"

On the computer screen:

[kaemantis]

To the pretty girl in the sassy tomato dress we saw on the boardwalk, consider yourself immortalized. In ribbon form!

[digitaldiscipline]

This is the 85 year old creator of Roger Rabbit:

[tobiasdrake]

The Hundred Line: Last Defense Academy 2138 - An Inky Black Void

Day 22. I guess we're really doing this. Where do we start?

That's a good place to start. And I know just who to start with!

BESTIIIIIE!!!

YESSSSSSSI love pop quizzes! Hit me. I know all the answers to everything under the sun.

You know, I probably should have seen that coming.

Bestie, I see where you're coming from but your logic is a little flawed. The logic here is that because Takky is a man, he should be interested in boobs.

However, an interest in boobs does not translate to an education in boob science. Takky has little frame of reference for boob sizes beyond "Hehehehe, cleavage." He has never worn a bra, nor been fitted for a bra, nor had to learn the difference between a C and D cup.

I would posit that it is, in fact, women who are better suited to answering a question like this at a glance than men are.

In any case, they're D's, Takky. Tell her D's.

Your welcome for making you a titty expert. May the entire SDU hear of and celebrate your newfound glory before Tsubasa beats you to death with a wrench.

That's right there in her Report Card. She's 110 lbs.

Isn't that cheating?

It's an open-book quiz. She didn't say it's not.

I bet they're stripey, just like her outfit.

Mmm, maybe. I don't know. Ttripey feels almost like a trap, to be honest. It would match her top too well.

Say black.

Okay but how did you actually know that one?

Danganronpa skirts come equipped with an inky black void that consumes all light underneath, ensuring that they're never caught at a compromising angle no matter where the CG camera is set. It's a super convenient piece of attire.

I assume Darumi has the same.

Oh good. By completing the task, we are sure to disappoint Sirei in a whole different way than if we'd failed. This was great. I'm happy to have been a part of it!

If it makes you feel better, the only person she really has to gossip to about this is me and my respect for you is already at rock bottom.

Takumi: YOU'RE THE ONE WHO GAVE ME THE ANSWERS!!!

I don't see what that has to do with anything.

[tobiasdrake]

The Hundred Line: Last Defense Academy 2137 - Tragic Affliction

Day 22. I guess today we begin the special projects, then.

Another big battle and another sleep-in afterwards. Honestly, with how late we fought Eva, that makes sense.

YEAH WHAT HE SAID

Glad to see we're on the same page, Takky.

That's convenient for Sirei. I noticed that he and Eva are in the Infirmary right now, so brainwashing is already underway. Fortunately, we don't have to worry about a caged Eito when the power flickers, so there's that.

Oh! Hey. We were just talking about how much you suck.

Yep, there it is. Sirei's trying to treat her of that tragic affliction known as having her own identity.

Oh, is this delegation another way to slide Takky into the team leader role? Well played.

Historically, it usually works out pretty well for us at great expense to Eva. But maybe we'll get lucky and she'll kill Sirei.

Or you'll get unlucky and she'll kill many more people. I vote Takemaru and Kurara. They wanted to kill her so she deserves revenge. If she gets mortally wounded in the process, all the better!

[tobiasdrake]

The Hundred Line: Last Defense Academy 2136 - Laying It On Real Thick

Day 21. She's beaten. All that's left is to decide what to do with her.

It's wild how we keep bringing that particular detail up but then she talks like she's much older than us when she actually has a chance to speak to us unhindered by Sirei's brainwashing.

Also wild that you're bringing that up, HIruko. You always push for us to kill Eva, but now you're hinting towards us sparing her?

Have you finally accepted Eva as one of us?

You know, after having that chat with Kyoshika where it came out that she's a deliberate Fanservice Girl, her violent reactions to other people's debauchery also fall into place with that same dynamic.

Kyoshika's overt sexuality comes from a place of wanting to titillate her hypothetical readers. She's the kind of person who walks into a hot spring fully intending to have a towel mishap because that's how you perform femininity according to her primary source of education on social affairs: shōnen battle manga.

But that also informs on moments like this. Because what else do the girls in those mangas do? Become outraged over the perversions of men, both sincere and misunderstood, and then lash out with a slap, a hammer, or another object of violence. Of which Kyoshika carries around one of her own.

She's blaming Takky right now rather than Darumi because she has to blame Takky. Women are never the ones one the receiving end. The joke is only ever performed with a male offender, and so Darumi can't be the offender.

Notably, for as often as Kyoshika threatens Takky, she never follows through. Because she's just doing it for the bit.

As weird and uncomfy as Darumi's approach here is, the important thing is that she's trying to save Eva. She's being very Darumi in how she goes about it. Laying it on real thick. But the between-the-lines is that she doesn't want us killing Eva.

Trying and succeeding to save Eva!

[tobiasdrake]

The Hundred Line: Last Defense Academy 2135 - A Beautiful Romance

Day 21. She's here. Question is, what will her fate end up being this time? Sirei's return is not promising.

Aren't you an insomnia-- Oh no.

Yes.

What.

Hey, if it gets Eva's foot in the door, I'm all for it. Stopping him from actually dissecting her can be tomorrow's problem.

She's really nice once you get to know her! Though this is probably going to be a brainwashing timeline if we do get her. Fucking Sirei.

I think this sounds like the beginning of a beautiful romance! And you should get in on that too, Tsubasa. Hiruko's poly so they're sure to have a spot for you.

(laughs in Tsubasa)

Good job, Kako! Way to nail those two mist machines with one well-placed missile volley!

I jest but. Like. It's a good thing Tsubasa trivializes this match because it's poorly designed. We fucked up on our squad placement.

The mist machines are always in North Field but for this one instance of the Eva battle, Ima and Kako are in East Field. Whoops!

In any case, this is actually a pretty challenging Eva fight. Per usual, Takky and Nozomi are in North Field so the Blitz Engine is out. And there are very few SDU members who can attack Eva from outside her counter zone.

It's pretty much Kyoshika and Gaku. But Kyoshika's in North Field and Gaku's damage output leaves much to be desired.

So if we're going to slug it out against Eva, we need to do something about her damage. She counters for 3 damage plus Bleed for an extra 2 damage at end of turn. That's not something we can afford to trade damage with; Anyone striking at her blindly will die fast.

Darumi's depressive debuff cuts Eva's attack damage by 2, however. This brings her down to 1 damage per counter plus Bleed, which does not stack additional instances.

So Kako can take 3 damage per turn to deal 10 with her high single-target damage. Darumi's manic straight-attack heals 1 HP per use, allowing her to mitigate some of the damage Eva hit back with.

And Tsubasa's Ult is a 14-damage nuke.

This is a pretty nasty fight. But working together, Kako and Darumi can chew through Eva before Eva chews through them.

[tobiasdrake]

The Hundred Line: Last Defense Academy 2134 - Vestigial at Best

Day 21. Free Time's over, which means we should be seeing Eva any minute now.

Yeah, it was super easy. You better not just tell us to go do round 2 and then send us off again.

Is the rest of the team doing these? Because if so, I demand a scoring competition. Maybe we could periodically kill the loser....

I will not call it that. The school trappings of this training camp are vestigial at best. Nothing about this place actually resembles an educational institution beyond the aesthetic.

Is this going to be another dating sim?

So yes. Yes, this is going to be another dating sim. That's okay. At least my Bestie gets to play this time. The others got to have a dating sim and she got eaten by a ravenous tube.

On the one hand, the mixed results we've seen across the multiverse do little to corroborate or refute the need for a team leader.

But on the other hand, we have seen what happens if Sirei tries to run things all by himself. It's an unmitigated disaster because he can't do anything right. So as long as Sirei's a factor, we definitely need a team leader.

Gaslit Kako, traveled through time to fuck up the multiverse, never treated Nozomi with the respect she deserves, stole undeserved credit from other people, knowingly and voluntarily committed genocide sometimes, that one time you raised a sex cult....

Oh! Right! To be honest, in all the confusion with Sirei, I totally forgot about that too.

[tobiasdrake]

The Hundred Line: Last Defense Academy 2133 - Tendrils

Day 21. Today should be Eva Day, but she likes to attack at night so we should have some Free Time before then.

We still need one last Gift for Kyoshika and two or three for Gaku. Kyoshika isn't available right now so that leaves....

Only your brothers? Not your sisters? That's pretty sexist. Girls can play tag too, y'know.

...is what I'd be saying if I didn't know that 兄弟 kyōdai, the Japanese word for brothers, also gets used to mean mixed-sex siblings.

-> If you're with exclusively girl siblings, you're with 姉妹 shimai, your sisters. -> If you're with exclusively boy siblings, you're with 兄弟 kyōdai, your brothers. -> If you're with mixed-sex siblings, you're with 兄弟 kyōdai, your brothers.

So that's probably just a mistake.

I think everyone can relate to that, honestly. It's rare that Gaku actually has relatable experiences, but this is one of them.

We all have those moments where you're in the kitchen waiting for the microwave and then suddenly your brain is like, "Hey, remember that time you were so cringe and awful?" Or starts bombarding us with thoughts about dead loved ones.

In any case, that gives us #Cheap Food.

Darumi.

Unclaimed.

Ima.

Ima.

Moko.

Process of elimination has already decided this one for me, so this is "obvious in retrospect" but yeah. Family gatherings or children's parties; Of course that's referencing Gaku. That makes sense.

Is this going to be about your "interests"? Because I believe we've discussed that topic more than enough. We've already long exceeded the permissible quota for discussing which girls turn you on.

And that quota was 0.

So Gaku, tell us more about the kind of girls that turn you on! Do you prefer brainy girls or muscular girls?

How about girls whose tendrils are slightly thicker than the average?

Ooh, good question, G. Gaku, I think I might know just the girl for you. It's a bit of a walk past the Firewall but trust me, the relationship will be intimate in ways you never thought were possible.

No, you don't. And by the end of this conversation, I will be calling you a money-grubbing shitweasel.

Oh. Shit. Never mind. That's actually a good reason.

( ._.) And now I'm the asshole.

So this is why you work 17 jobs. That always did seem a little excessive, but the large number of siblings seemed to explain it. This makes more sense, though.

Oh no, I'm sure you're not. The unfortunate irony, however, is that it is made up all the same. It's just that you're inadvertently telling us someone else's lies rather than your own.

[tobiasdrake]

The Hundred Line: Last Defense Academy 2132 - Providing Her Readers with Fanservice

Day 19. Okay, let's see what the special training session is all about.

Okay so it's just a 1vMob fight. That's disappointing. I was really hoping Sirei would throw something interesting in here.

This might be tricky if I had come here much earlier. But as things stand, the whole team has MAX attacks in everything, we have MAX Attack and Agility Potions, so this is a breeze.

If Sirei really wants to see what we're made of, we should hold a Tournament Arc. Air out our grievances in a series of 1v1 bracketed matches out in the courtyard.

Kyoshika would love it.

In any case....

That's Day 19 wrapped up. Eva should arrive on Day 21, so we have one more day of Free Time before she gets here.

That gets us another #Cool Tools.

The Replica Infuser is "suitable for make believe and roleplay", which seems right up our cosplay queen's alley. And since the Crossbow is a plot item, that's all the more reason to lean on this.

I mean, Takky, you have recently given her two swords now. And considering what she uses swords for....

Didn't you say he also gave her an actual sex toy?

Oh yeah, he did!

These are very personal gifts!

Unlike the origin story of the Holy Jumonji Sword, this all meshes with what she said in Romance Route. I do wonder if Grandpa was more of a nerd than he let on, though.

How's that?

There's an American comic book called Kick-Ass that was later adapted into a movie. The basic premise is that a naive comic book fan decides to try and become a superhero for real and proceeds to get his shit rocked by organized crime.

One of the characters is this guy, Big Daddy. He's a former police officer whose wife was killed by the local crime syndicate, so he and his daughter Hit-Girl embark on a revenge crusade to wipe out the whole syndicate.

Big Daddy and Hit-Girl are serious, lethal, hardcore superheroes to contrast against the loser Kick-Ass.

Except that in the comic, it's later revealed that none of this ever happened. Big Daddy made it up. He's an accountant, not a cop. He kidnapped his daughter from his very-much-alive wife and brainwashed her with stories about their dark and gritty origin story. He has no vendetta against the mob, but selected them as enemies because a superhero needs deadly supervillains to fight.

He is exactly the same as Kick-Ass, a fact that is revealed just before he's shot in the head by the very mob he went out of his way to antagonize. A fate he brought on himself.

The way Kyoshika's grandpa hid her out in the woods away from people, trained her to be a samurai in a modern world, and then filled her head with manga in place of human connections? It kinda gives me Big Daddy vibes.

We already know that the sword was misdelivered to her by an Amazon drone and then she just made up a backstory for it. Maybe Grandpa fed her shōnen manga because Grandpa's a manga nerd himself, and took her out in the woods to LARP being some sort of ancient samurai clan.

I feel confident that Kurara's just plain gay, but I honestly think Kyoshika is, like... narrativesexual. She lives her life as though performing on-panel for her readers, and her sexuality is driven by what would make for an enticing chapter of her story.

She is emotionally invested in providing her readers with fanservice, moreso than she is sexually interested in other people.

[tobiasdrake]

The Hundred Line: Last Defense Academy 2131 - Big Fireworks Go Boom

Day 18. Well that was... something, I guess. I don't know what I expected but it wasn't this.

Alright, first things first. Kurara's final gift is #Party Tools.

BBQ Kit and Festive Stall Kit are for special events. The Festival Goods are for Gaku. We've never ID'd the Fireworks Set or Party Poppers, however.

I'm inclined to think the Fireworks Set is for Kurara. She's a weapons designer and big fireworks go boom.

Nailed it!

And then Kyoshika's next gift is #Cool Tools.

It's definitely Kenshin Himura's sword from Rurouni Kenshin. There is no doubt about that one.

I know that's a stock response but just walking up to her and presenting her, the samurai, with a samurai's katana forged in the image of one of her shōnen heroes DOES seem to carry a lot more weight than a typical "Hey, saw this and thought of you."

Is this all this timeline is going to be? Digital homework?

All I'm saying is that if we're going to spend all day in a digital environment going forward, I better be able to hang out with Ragatha and Gangle!

Who?

...clear your schedule, G. After Takky goes to bed, we have PLANS tonight.

[tobiasdrake]

The Hundred Line: Last Defense Academy 2130 - Pushing the Artificiality

Day 18. Alright, I'll bite. What fresh hell is this?

Is this about G? Do you know something about how she ended up on the roof that day?

Are you trying to track her down?

He better not be!

Takky, tell him that your brain is completely parasite-free and not suspicious at all!

It's an accurate metaphor for your station as a scum-sucking bottom-feeder sustained by the mechanisms of colonialism and imperialism.

Here it is. This is what he's really after.

Two things can be true.

At least someone appreciates that. The rest of the team are in the camp of "Just because Eito had his blade raised overhead in a striking position and was about to swing it down on Sirei, that doesn't PROVE that he would have killed Sirei!"

Even Shion for some reason.

You slipped up a moment ago and said cryptoglobin. But I guess that's fine when it's between us folks who know.

I'm getting Romance Route vibes.

In the sense that we interrupted these super-serious events to go faff around doing something else instead.

That crack made a lot of sense coming out of Monokuma's mouth but it hits weird from Sirei's.

At this point, Sirei might as well just come right out and say that he has all the data on our artificially constructed bodies and life simulations. He's really pushing the artificiality of our existence right now.

[tobiasdrake]

The Hundred Line: Last Defense Academy 2129 - Agreeing with Ima

Day 18. Great. Just great. We're doing this today. I miss when everyone was dying.

If I agree with Ima, does that mean we can re-kill Sirei immediately? I would be willing to put up Kako posters and standees all over the building if it means putting Sirei back in his trash can where he belongs.

Are we really not going to talk about who killed Sirei now that we have a firsthand eyewitness?

What's to get caught up on? It's Day 18. We've barely done anything.

Wait, are you trying to figure out who killed you? Is that why we're not talking about it? Because you don't know?

I'm with her! Listen to the Bestie! This is pointless effort and I refuse!

Wait, are you refusing because you don't think discerning the identity of his killer has value or just because you hate him?

....

I mean yes, I do want to know the details behind his death if that's what this is actually about.

But also fuck him!

You should have a gaping hole where your FACE is!

What's there to get ready? Why does this feel like a trap?

Is he going to use the Dolmenic system on all of us to ensure nothing like his murder ever happens again? Is that what this is?

What's the Dolmenic system?

It sucks and is terrible.

That's not an answer. That seems to just be your general opinion of Sirei.

Because he sucks and is terrible!

Remind me why we wanted him to be alive again? Why this is a thing we deliberately set out and did on purpose?

TSUBASA LOOK WHAT YOU DID

YOU HAVE ME AGREEING WITH GODDAMN IMA

THAT'S TWICE TODAY

"It all began on the day of my actual birth. Both of my parents failed to show up!" ~Dr. Doofenschmirtz

They probably gave Shouma the wrong room number to go to. On purpose.

[tobiasdrake]

The Hundred Line: Last Defense Academy 2128 - Spooky Lab

Day 17. This is definitely the worst timeline. We were free. We were supposed to be free!

But enough about that because it's time to go bond! Outta my way, Takky; I'm gonna get some Bonds!

You... You want the pod room?

Or a spooky lab where horrific experiments were performed. Which... is something you'd find in a secret base so checkmate me, I guess.

Does she need to? You can like the aesthetic of something without having any idea what it is.

You know what, that's valid. I can't argue with that.

Everyone lets feelings drive their way of life. We like to pretend that we're cold and calculating individuals, but the logical justification for why we feel a certain way comes after the kneejerk emotional response.

Humanity is a species that spends all day walking around pretentiously trying to rationalize our feelings to make us seem more sophisticated than we really are.

Bullshit. No, you didn't.

First off, why? It's not like she's hurting anybody.

But second, I refuse to believe for even one second that you could physically manhandle Kyoshika. This is the "LOL Sure, you can take Moko in a fight" scene all over again.

Yeah, you're right. I hadn't realized we only get one block of Free Time today. That sucks!

Do a better job waking up tomorrow, Takky! I want my Free Time and I don't want it wasted on bullshit!

We're probably going to have to reintroduce Sirei tomorrow.

...

FUCK.

[tobiasdrake]

The Hundred Line: Last Defense Academy 2127 - Credit Parasite

Day 17. Checking in on Tsubasa to see if she's alive! Oh boy, I sure hope we don't find a strung-up corpse!

Good news! We didn't find a strung-up corpse!

Great reflexes!

Takumi: She hit me in the stomach!

Yeah, well, you might have been someone planning on hurting her.

You should have been someone planning on hurting her.

Listen to G. She speaks the truth. That was a very well-earned elbow strike.

Bad news! We didn't find a strung-up corpse! That would have been preferable to what we actually found in here!

It's not too late. We know what we want and we have the opportunity to make it real. We can live our dreams.

Well he didn't do a very good job of leaving it out in the open, considering how rarely we find it! There should be a copy of this manual in everyone's rooms!

Great thinking, Takky! Do it again! Maybe with something heavier! Might I suggest a sledgehammer? That's sure to, uh, loosen the ol' circuits up.

Okay, sure. Fuck Tsubasa, I guess. She did 99.9% of the work but Takky gets all the credit because that's what it's like being a woman in a STEM field.

"This is fine with me, I have no problems with it, so what do you have to be upset about?" ~The credit parasite receiving all the accolades for contributing almost nothing.

[tobiasdrake]

The Hundred Line: Last Defense Academy 2126 - Physical Tendrils

Day 17. Thanks to our visitors from another timeline, I think we're in the clear now. Huh.

Hey G, you still here?

Yes.

What about physically, though? Are you physically still here?

I don't want to talk about it.

Honestly, at this point, it barely matters whether it's real or not. We don't have reliable future intel so we might as well let it go.

Try it! I wanna know if it's any good. It sounds disgusting but so do a lot of things people do to burgers and other people swear by them anyways!

I feel like we had this conversation before recently.

I'm sure we have, but I'm still curious!

Again, you should probably just drop the time travel thing. The future from this point on is more different than similar so you might as well just let it go.

Honestly, being from the future is so rarely useful that we might as well have just started from the second timelines and not even bothered with the first one at all.

No no, he's right. We should probably just drop it. This isn't really a hill worth dying on.

Has anyone tried going into the Garage and talking to her?

Because getting lost in a project sounds pretty characteristic of Tsubasa, to be honest. But she also might be dead so, you know, maybe go check on her.

Takumi: Wait, why would she be dead!?

G killed her.

Wha-- When would I possibly have had time to kill her!?

Last night before we fought the Parallel Leapers. You could have popped downstairs, murdered Tsubasa, and then get jumped by Parallel Takky on your way back upstairs.

That does seem to make sense. Kay's right, we should go check on her! And possibly kill her if she isn't dead already!

That's the spirit!

Okay so that's a no. No one has actually tried talking to Tsubasa. Great. What a wonderful team y'all are.

Honestly, Takky, the less you know about what she and her allies did last night, the better. The important thing is that G's gone and we can all put her behind us.

Hey! That's rude! What did I ever do to you!?

Uh, freaking me out for about two weeks straight, that's what. I like you better when you don't have physical tendrils in Takky's brain.