Just One Example of How Easily Some Disabled Folks Can Become Trapped in Harmful Relationships and a Tip to Avoid This:
So, I think I might be ready to try dating again, now that my postpartum issues have resolved, and we're all settled into some good routines. Of course I've been doing a lot of thinking, and talking with my therapist and friends about "red flags" and things, and I realized it might be helpful to some younger disabled folks to kinda give my perspective on how some disabled people can end up in some really bad relationship situations.
Thankfully I'm in a really good place now- I'm in a queer-platonic poly partnership with my very good friend, who happens to be the amazing father of our child, and I'm living with him as the stay-at-home dad! Like, literally my cringey egg fanfiction.net teenage dreams coming true, I've absolutely been blessed by Queer Jesus for my struggles. So don't get me wrong, this isn't some kind of sob story, I'm just describing an unfortunately common sociological phenomenon I was party to, and hope my understanding of could possibly help at least someone avoid in the future.
Like a lot of queer scapegoat-role severely autistic kids, I was ejected from my parents' care shortly after turning 18, so I had been bouncing around between friends, until, one by one, they each eventually realized how disabled I actually was, and being overwhelmed with the amount of help I needed, turned me out to the next one. This was a brief cycle, only about a year, before I met someone who I thought finally understood and loved me. She didn't get mad when I couldn't make phone calls and didn't know why, she said she was happy to do that for me. She didn't get mad that I couldn't drive, she was happy to take me anywhere I needed to go. She didn't mind that paperwork overwhelmed me, she loves doing paperwork. She understood my meltdowns, and would never try to cause them intentionally or use them against me. You get the idea.
So this was probably codependent-flavor love bombing! If someone shows up to suddenly solve a longterm unadressed need or crisis, don't let that blind you to everything else about them. The relief of finally getting that help can mask a lot of behavioral red flags until it's too late. That's something that even less disabled autistic folks need to look out for. Also, if their solution is to solely rely on them forever, and they're fine with the effort of that, but not the effort of finding you a longterm solution or accommodation that increases your independence, that's another problem to watch out for. If someone actually cares about you, they're going to want to see you gain independence and grow, not stagnate and wait around like a supporting character in their life for them to be the valiant hero for.
At first you don't really notice someone has full control over your life because they provide enough help to keep you more comfortable than when they found you, so you're just stoked not to worry about being on the streets anymore. But then, once you're hooked and control has been firmly established, they start using basic needs as leverage in arguments.
When someone's response is "you're an adult, do it yourself" for a task they've established for years at this point they're more than happy to do because they know how difficult or painful or impossible that task is for your disability- that is, yes, abusive. (We have medical gaslighting at home, kids!) Not only that, but it is absolutely dependent adult neglect. That person has not taken a legal caretaker role, but they absolutely ethically have. (Especially if they get you to marry them for their financial benefit like she did!)
(Brief politics break, but I wanna warn young trans guys, when you marry a trans woman, you basically legally become her property in most states. It's kinky if youre into it, but don't rush into things until you really know them.)
And of course, the whole time they'll try to prevent any additional gain of independence.
She did this both physically, like with preventing my medical cannabis prescription, but also emotionally. She told me no one would ever put up with the lighting accommodations I need. She told me that wearing earplugs indoors wasn't something anyone could ever live around. That no one would put up with my needed level of stimming. That it was necessary for me to be in torturous pain just to make the people around me more comfortable, for her social anxiety.
That's not love, or even friendship. That's trying to pretend someone isn't disabled even though it's destroying them, just so you can feel needed at your convenience.
So, that's why it's important to look out for these slippery slopes. The edges are hidden and look like a refuge, but that comfort can be the bait of a trap, even if they seem like the safest person you can imagine. Codependent people make themselves look as safe as possible, to attract people to 'help', no matter how maladaptive that safety or help actually manifests to be over time.
So basically, young autistics- If someone is a little too eager to fill your water bottle, they just might be too codependent to be safe. Watch out for overly helpful behavior, and never put up with medical gaslighting. Your symptoms are real and you have a right to be just as comfortable as everyone else. And if you need to let a codependent person into your life briefly because you really need the help they're offering, just be careful. Stay diversified- If everyone else you know says the person who drives you everywhere is bad news, it might just be best to try to find someone else to drive you, before you look around and realize they were driving you into isolation and dependence, to feed on your appreciation.
And no, not every codependent person is a narcissist, though both are valid neurodivergencies often caused by abuse themselves. But vulnerable people at different levels of healing should try to protect each other from any of these maladaptive coping mechanisms where we can, until we can all finish healing enough to stop hurting each other and actually end these cycles.
Once again, posting for now as a rough script for shortform content later on. I think that bit at the end is pretty good, I've noticed a lot of young abuse victims confuse codependency and narcissism very often, and that's incredibly unhelpful for anyone.
