tokoro

jpn/eng║Love anthro characters║do some fan art and OC║any pronouns welcome║cw nudity, cw blood║https://tokoro125.carrd.co/

[tokoro125]

about these days

i have to admit I'm really happy these months now. my mood's lifted, I care about my appearance again, feel joy choosing blight colored clothes and can tolerate makeup, no more depression like my body and soul ripped away...

the only problem I have now is that I don't have a job. my best friend, who works at a company, often weeps about how they do not fit into the social standard and feel such a burden to the colleagues... which makes me think hard about getting a job and career. I don't want to be like them. I just don't like to be depressed again. no visceral pain and no overworking, is it so unachievable like that? maybe I don't need to get into a company employed type of life, which I somehow have felt I should do?

I want my life to be less painful and worth being alive. yeah it's too blunt to say that I feel I should choose death if I have to live against my will, but that's true. that's true.

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my alpha scolipede

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It makes me giggle and get upset at the same time when they throw reality away out of the window when it comes to motoko's outfits. Noooo WHYyyyy

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High-leg clad officer

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I don't know anything about this ship but youtube recommendation was like, "hey, do you have any interest on a yuri duet from an early 2000s anime?" so I was just, yeah why not.

The lyrics are, unexpectedly, good. Not a half-ass j-pop I somehow used to hear. Super recommended.

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Summer mood☀️

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Everyday life (oc, fursona)

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positive events and negative thoughts.

Spring has come. I celebrated that my first year of living on my own has nicely ended. It was rough, mostly for my mental wellbeing, but at last I gained what I really wanted for myself. So I should have been really proud of that and full of excitement, but nah... I'm feeling far from that.

My next step is getting a job. Actually I have never gotten a stable job because I was diagnosed with depression when I was in uni and these five years were a total mess I definitely couldn't function as a worker.

I ... had a meeting few weeks ago with a career counselor. Although they were nice and sympathetic to my situation, the conversation with them made me feel terrible. I kind of got an idea, which is that I'm emotionally fucked up and these years of depression and improvement from there were just a big stain in the perspective of job career.

I know I was different since I was a child. I am easy to be mentally unstable or stressed out. But I was also good at tolerating that and viewing the bright side. And then, when you are officially diagnosed with a mental illness and finally have decent medical care so you no longer need to deal with it by yourself, your painful but also meaningful rehab years are just treated as a negative factor on paper! It sucks.

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Fooling around

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oc doodle. facial expressions.

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While I could not make myself get at my desk, I was trying to improve my quality of life instead.

I finally got another set of undergarments, adequate ones for winter cold.

Then I installed the app Pikmin Bloom, now I'm really into it and thanks to the new garments I enjoy walking around the town more happily and less reluctantly.

And these days I got this new health care app Asuken and keep the record of my diet. it says that my meals contain fat more than the appropriate amount, so I try to cut those, but hell, I shouldn't have bought the calorie-off cheese today. They tasted like nothing...

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slowly building up again my doodle routine.

not so fun at first, but i got satisfaction later anyway.

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Scrolling down my timeline and I just found a new gits anime poster and the date it starts streaming... on July in this summer.

Wait.

Is that soon??

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a drawing of my own hand

It feels like a kind of self portrait.

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Volant thoughts

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Motoko

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Since it's holiday i am possessed by this urge that i have to be a full time drawing machine. It's a stupid thought. I know i deserve a rest for doing nothing, just being myself. Yet im struggling. I want more of the power to express myself. That sounds very juvenile to me, it's embarrassing, but yeah it's kind of a power hunger that im feeling now. I don't want to keep my eyes away from that, it doesn't go anywhere.