tokoro

jpn/eng║Love anthro characters║Fan-fic and OCs║any pronouns welcome║cw nudity, cw blood║https://tokoro125.carrd.co/

[tokoro125]

I updated my profile.

There are my simple introduction and links to SNS.

tokoro's links

digital card for my SNS links

[tokoro125]

[tokoro125]

Marmor Modestum

[tokoro125]

cw: fictional rape mentioned

sometimes nasty memories haunt me.

you know, it doesn't need to be my own memory or even a real one. for this time I remembered the rape scene from the movie, The Revenant.

I could say I was not treated well when I was a child, and my own memories somehow intensity the pain of fictional mistreatment.

now I don't want to think about it, but my body uncontrollably keeps thinking about how it must be painful or disgusting and between the thoughts I unconsciously ruminate on my own disgusting memory.

I don't want to be one of those ignorant of trauma, but I have to be in order to protect myself. I feel I'm an unfair and selfish person.

[tokoro125]

wisdom teeth

[tokoro125]

about these days

i have to admit I'm really happy these months now. my mood's lifted, I care about my appearance again, feel joy choosing blight colored clothes and can tolerate makeup, no more depression like my body and soul ripped away...

the only problem I have now is that I don't have a job. my best friend, who works at a company, often weeps about how they do not fit into the social standard and feel such a burden to the colleagues... which makes me think hard about getting a job and career. I don't want to be like them. I just don't like to be depressed again. no visceral pain and no overworking, is it so unachievable like that? maybe I don't need to get into a company employed type of life, which I somehow have felt I should do?

I want my life to be less painful and worth being alive. yeah it's too blunt to say that I feel I should choose death if I have to live against my will, but that's true. that's true.

[tokoro125]

my alpha scolipede

[tokoro125]

It makes me giggle and get upset at the same time when they throw reality away out of the window when it comes to motoko's outfits. Noooo WHYyyyy

[tokoro125]

High-leg clad officer

[tokoro125]

I don't know anything about this ship but youtube recommendation was like, "hey, do you have any interest on a yuri duet from an early 2000s anime?" so I was just, yeah why not.

The lyrics are, unexpectedly, good. Not a half-ass j-pop I somehow used to hear. Super recommended.

[tokoro125]

Summer mood☀️

[tokoro125]

Everyday life (oc, fursona)

[tokoro125]

positive events and negative thoughts.

Spring has come. I celebrated that my first year of living on my own has nicely ended. It was rough, mostly for my mental wellbeing, but at last I gained what I really wanted for myself. So I should have been really proud of that and full of excitement, but nah... I'm feeling far from that.

My next step is getting a job. Actually I have never gotten a stable job because I was diagnosed with depression when I was in uni and these five years were a total mess I definitely couldn't function as a worker.

I ... had a meeting few weeks ago with a career counselor. Although they were nice and sympathetic to my situation, the conversation with them made me feel terrible. I kind of got an idea, which is that I'm emotionally fucked up and these years of depression and improvement from there were just a big stain in the perspective of job career.

I know I was different since I was a child. I am easy to be mentally unstable or stressed out. But I was also good at tolerating that and viewing the bright side. And then, when you are officially diagnosed with a mental illness and finally have decent medical care so you no longer need to deal with it by yourself, your painful but also meaningful rehab years are just treated as a negative factor on paper! It sucks.

[tokoro125]

Fooling around

[tokoro125]

oc doodle. facial expressions.

[tokoro125]

While I could not make myself get at my desk, I was trying to improve my quality of life instead.

I finally got another set of undergarments, adequate ones for winter cold.

Then I installed the app Pikmin Bloom, now I'm really into it and thanks to the new garments I enjoy walking around the town more happily and less reluctantly.

And these days I got this new health care app Asuken and keep the record of my diet. it says that my meals contain fat more than the appropriate amount, so I try to cut those, but hell, I shouldn't have bought the calorie-off cheese today. They tasted like nothing...

[tokoro125]

slowly building up again my doodle routine.

not so fun at first, but i got satisfaction later anyway.