'SCO!

BOIL UP SOME MOUNTAIN DEW. IT'S GONNA BE A LONG NIGHT..

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WELCOME TAXIDERMISTS! WELCOME GUTTERS AND STUFFERS!

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"Hey, Bobby! If Boomhauer and me had a baby, this is what it would look like!"

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BOBBY: Hey, Joseph. Nice skeletons! Knife through the eye, huh? That's probably what killed him.

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DALE: So, do you have a regular place you buy your feathers and bonnets and so forth?

REDCORN (BEAT): It's a website.

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JOSEPH: You know, Dad, sometimes the coolest thing to do is to make your own path and not kill a panda.

DALE (GRUMBLING): Yeah, whatever.

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LAOMA: A heart attack took my husband away from me to the next life. But I believe he returned as the gentle wind that blows through this meadow, even now.

BILL: My god. That's the most beautiful description of a haunted meadow I've ever heard.

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KAHN: Dauterive! My mother get home two hours late last night! You work her overtime!?

(HANK, DALE, & BOOMHAUER STIFLE LAUGHTER)

BILL: Oh, I'm sorry, Kahn. We lost track of the hour.

KAHN: Well that unacceptable! Every time my mother come back from your house, she's sweaty and exhausted!

(HANK, DALE, & BOOMHAUER STIFLE LAUGHTER)

HANK: Come on, guys. Cool it.

KAHN: From now on, you stop riding her so hard!

(UNCONTROLLABLE LAUGHTER)

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BILL: So, you guys go to things. Anyone know where I can get two tickets to 'Love Letters' at the Arlen Little Theatre?

DALE: Good lord! Has your ass gotten so fat you need two seats?

BILL: No! I have a friend.

DALE: You can't take a pigeon to the theatre, Bill.

BILL: For your information, she happens to be a lady, and we really like each other. I got to tell you, things got pretty hot and heavy last night.

(BILL LOWERS THE BANDANA AROUND HIS NECK TO REVEAL A HICKIE)

DALE (IMPRESSED): Ohh!

BOOMHAUER (IMPRESSED): Ohh, good one, man!

HANK (IMPRESSED): Way to go, Bill! Anyone we know?

BILL: Yep! It's Kahn's mom.

(EVERYONE SPITS OUT THEIR BEER AND LOOKS DISGUSTED)

DALE: Bill, she's twenty years older than you! She's literally an old maid! ... My god, she's perfect for you. Congratulations, Bill!

BILL: Aw, thanks!

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MINH: Howdy, fellas! I see you are all relaxing after a hard day of work!

ALL: Ehh, yeah, well. Just having a beer.

MINH: I bet you wish you had super clean homes to go to like your buddy, Hank!

ALL: Ahh, well, yeah.

MINH: Well, there's good news! My mother-in-law has remaining shifts available at unbeatable prices! Who sign up first?

DALE: Heck, I'll take a day! I could use some Asian fingerprints in there!

MINH: Why not you, Bill? Have you become emotionally attached to your many rats and cockroaches?

BILL: No, they can leave any time they want. I wouldn't care.

MINH: Hire Laoma! She's practically free!

BILL: Well, maybe I should. I just always figured I'd have to be rich to be clean.

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BILL: Do you think I'd meet more women if I changed my name to 'Tango'?

HANK (BEAT): Don't change your name again, Bill.

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(BOBBY IS IN HIS ROOM, UNDER A BLANKET. HE LIGHTS A CIGARETTE AND THE BLANKET CATCHES ON FIRE. HE BEATS THE FIRE OUT WITH A PILLOW, BUT THE SMOKE ALARM GOES OFF ANYWAY)

(HANK AND PEGGY ENTER WITH CIGARETTES HANGING OUT OF THEIR MOUTHS)

HANK: What's going on in here!?!

PEGGY: Bobby, what are you doing with a cigarette!? You are gonna burn this house down!

BOBBY: Hey, all right! You guys smoke, too!?

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DALE: Yep.

BILL: Yep.

BOOMHAUER: Yep.

(HANK LIGHTS A CIGARETTE)

(DALE, BILL, & BOOMHAUER LOOK AT HANK, SHOCKED)

HANK: Mmmmmmmmm hmm!

BOOMHAUER (ANGRY): Hey, man! Yo! Put that dang ol' thing out, man! Don't! You goin' and lightin' up like that! You gone and lookin' like a dang ol' junkie, man! Go messin' up my head with that secondary nicotine like that, man...

BILL (DISAPPOINTED): Aw, Hank, I thought you gave that up!

DALE (EXCITED): Welcome back, friend! I knew this day would come!

(DALE GOES TO HUG HANK)

HANK: Dale, get off me.

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