[tonight-its-sunny-in-hell]

What would it take for me to start writing again?.. It used to be all I had, now I don't even have that. I've never gained such freedom, from my own self too. There's no love, nor serenity, nor truth or fame.

Maybe I've already put my whole soul into words. It's ok not to read them, I know I used to be good. I don't know what's keeping me here on Earth and I never knew. I'll just watch what is left to slow burn. But sometimes it hurts.

I still pass by reality, I'll never learn at this point how to be normal enough, I can't answer why sometimes I try. I stopped crying, stopped hoping and I mostly enjoy being able to take this obsenity of a ride.

But it's all in my head anyway, you know how it is. Well, people who do have never heard of me. It is what it is. It is cynical but I don't know how to escape. So I nurture my ignorance of a bliss.

[revachol-route-zer0]

[revachol-route-zer0]

[revachol-route-zer0]

The world is burning so hard there's not enough of anything in me to be able to comprehend it.

So my brain decides to get annoyed by the silliest nonsense instead. How creative of it. Seriously, brain, we need to talk.

P.S. girly girls and all the attention they get trigger me. And I've fallen too deep to be properly ashamed of myself.

[tonight-its-sunny-in-hell]

[revachol-route-zer0]

I'm always trying to be things that I'm not, and it fails spectacularly. Doesn't matter whether the goal is realistic or not. The one thing that worked out for me is the one thing I didn't care that much about... a career in engineering. Oh well... And I should have cared more, it's not bad, especially for someone like me.

Almost everything I had used to be most afraid of to end up with in life - happened. Including things I used to be afraid of specifically because I knew I wouldn't know how/be able to deal with them. Well, I still don't know how to fix them in my circumstances. Oh well...

My brain should just go back to the usual programming of kidding itself with all the defence mechanisms in the book, including the weirdest ones - they are the most efficient.

[revachol-route-zer0]

My life in a nutshell...

My brain: the company responsible for issuing household bills finally agreed that since I'm running around like a lost puppy trying to convince them to take my money, I should be given the opportunity to pay my water bills. And that I probably use water.

My brain: I don't know how to fix my life, I never did. If I could have done significantly better with it, I would have by now.

My brain: Politicians are trying to end the world. There's nothing I can do about it. Both thinking and not thinking on it feels utterly wrong. On the core level. And people keep dying.

My brain: why am I thinking in English, this makes no sense for me to do so.

Also my brain: this is a perfect opportunity to have a crush on someone. Dreamin' of someone, with whom we could never happen... yeah, my timing is impeccable.

Also my brain: gets on-the-verge-of-crying upset that some modder thinks that my cyberpunk pictures - the only thing that works right now to keep anxiety over both my life and the state of the world at bay - are ugly af.

Make me make sense...

[tonight-its-sunny-in-hell]

Diary

Multiply the pain processed - You know, I'm such a drama queen. Everything ever lost is being kept within.

I would have gotten rid of it all - I just don't know how. Sanity is overrated regardless of high body-count.

I wish to know how people make it to the proverbial never-fail-land. Maybe there's a secret I fail to understand.

I’ve learnt a new word the other day: "Periwinkle", and it looks gorgeous too. Maybe, just maybe, those little things are what I should hold on to.

[tonight-its-sunny-in-hell]

In between

Humanity is hopeless, but it's fine: mature adults won't blink an eye, they'll fake solutions until something sticks by some precariously scarce means.

I am still here, don't ask me why, with ancient ghosts circling through and by, within improbability of dreams.

I'm simultaneously not and in between the jaws of karma or whatever life is, assuming I'm supposed to withstand this: the thought of people who do have it worse per usual doesn't help at all.

There's a war. I guess like other wars it's taking toll, and further-further more we're losing count for both good and evil, while life just keeps on being in between

[tonight-its-sunny-in-hell]

Chicken Hearts [One Step Away 3]

My heart chickened out of living

of feeling things more complex than mundane

wiggly emotions

circling in motion

around bodily functions and pain.

My heart chickened out of living,

of feeling things, any at all.

And each single day

is largely the same

till  the ultimate bell tolls.

My heart chickened out of living,

it's watching its own free fall

meticulously,

religiously,

as if there's faith in hope.

I can't write when I do not feel.

It must be a funny thing to mourn out of all things left.

The moon's rising,

and I'm smiling

one step away from both life and death.

[tonight-its-sunny-in-hell]

Neither future, nor past, nor nothingness: there's nothing for me to mourn. Every piece is eaten by rust, it is ashes to ashes and dust to dust: neither memories, nor going home. Faith dissolved and hopeless causes bleed out in the light of something passing for hope. Used to think I could figure a way to hide, outlive the depression, outrun the dark side swallowing me whole. Now life is so utterly similar to that story I had always feared and thought it would never be me, there never would come the time when there's nothing besides these lines yet  they're all that I've got

Me

Нет ни будущего, ни прошлого:

Ничего бесконечно не жаль -

Всё разбито, разодрано, сношено

И утоптано в злую печаль.

Вера больше не греет надеждами,

И иллюзиям пущена кровь,

Бесконечностью безнадежности

запивает года любовь.

Показалось, что можно спрятаться,

Не теряя остатков души

В снах, похожих на жизнь в нормальности,

В снах, похожих на жизнь

[revachol-route-zer0]

[tonight-its-sunny-in-hell]

“Moon’s rising over the top of gloomy trees. One step away from falling foggy blue night is. With whispering breeze silence is coming slowly. I keep pretending to keep breathing one step away from flying. I didn’t know life would seem easy when looked at through lens of dying. Cobwebs of shadows tremble gently one step away from darkness. Silence is desperate to drive attention to starry night’s sparkles. I’m disappearing in this night one step away from being happy to breathe in breathtaking twilight, breathe out delirious dreaming.”

—

One Step Away

[tonight-its-sunny-in-hell]

Moon Rising

Every now and ever so often

I stop writing as if I knew

how to live in reality,

you know… like people do.

The truth is for better or worse

I haven’t been able to learn the trick.

It’d be funny if it didn’t happen to be

so schizophrenically neat.

The moon’s rising over the gloomy trees.

One step away from falling

I keep balancing in between the dreams

and the lusting for loving…

[tonight-its-sunny-in-hell]

On the imaginary road with my imaginary joys

[tonight-its-sunny-in-hell]

why can’t i simply fail to wake up one day?

[tonight-its-sunny-in-hell]

dreaming wide awake

... you smell like sunshine softly touching

emerging bitterness that heals

with promises of better dreams

which are so playfully mismatching...