Not that I could not live without writing this now, but I think writing would help me live soundly in future. Today we said our final farewell. I'm not overstating when I say my entire world has changed. Not just I constantly feel like standing on the brink of collapse, I have collapsed and catastrophe had already occurred. It occurred a long time ago. I lost everything. I need to figure out what went wrong and how could I have fixed it. I need to derive lessons from my mistakes and self-delusions. I need to find a cause to live and go forward.
First of all, what would I do and say to my son had he been going through my sufferings? I would do everything to support him: applaud him for not forgetting his duty even though it was killing him inside... of staying levelheaded, empathizing with her pain because it's killing her too, being courageous enough to back off and cut off all forms connections once the truth unfolded, letting go with dignity...Should I not applaud him for doing right by his love and by him? I'd call him a real hero. A tragic hero.
If it is true that one moment could justify the existence of this whole Universe β make right all the wrongs β defeat even the most heinous of evil β it was how I was able to end our story. I had my moment on the mountain, it was glorious! The class and tenderness and responsibility and maturity I shown my beloved, even I'm proud I could do it. It was the perfect ending to us. I want to run and beg her to not leave me now, but I can't and I'll have to live with that... that's the curse of being a man, the hero. But I want to further emphasize the significance of the last chapter of our story β the conclusion. Imagine, if we had to say the same goodbye under a totalitarian evil regime, would not then dying still be a complete endeavour? And this act of purity defeating the evil regime? Imagine, the ship is sinking, are you not confident this is the goodbye you'd most aspire? When something meaningful ends, it doesnβt cease to be meaningful. The emotion, the mutual assurance, the pain, the pure act of love, the story-like romanticism, stara have to align for that level of perfection... It'd be an envy for all time and for all people. Our love went down in dignity and honor and glory and passion.
( I'll talk about the flipside of the conclusion β justice, down the line)
The only thing left for me now is the life ahead. The precious life my brother is eternally deprived, the precious life that brought me today. I want to flesh out everything and use it as a gospel. Writing this is very important. But before that I want to outline where I want to be, what my future looks like in future, say 5 years, what would be my life's purpose.
For once in my life, I want to feel what a decent and good person feels β happy family and wife, children, friends β enjoying life and living happily. What pure bliss a good person must feel? A person who's not insecure and resentful, doesnβt have a superior ego or sense of jealousy, doesnβt have envy, doesnβt have to hide anything, always content and genuinely grateful for his blessings. That person would build a relationship on the right principles. It wouldnβt be subject to mistakes and missteps mine was proned to. The negative traits I mentioned are self-devouring and it has consumed my relationship. Being a good person also depends on competency, which takes hardwork and sacrifice. I want a loving wife with whom I can grow, I can claim to be the one for me, she would be everything I ever wanted in a woman.
