“I want to audit portals so bad. Almost as bad, I want to open one that’s from another dimension, like nothing is wrong. Almost as bad, I want to write Chrome extensions so bad. Scary shit. The last time I wrote a Chrome extension on a whim, I celebrated by shouting: ‘I’m going to ingest so much crack tonight!’ And one of my friends thought it was too much, so he brought me some more, and said: ‘You’re watching yourself very carefully.’ I said: ‘You wouldn’t happen to have any adderall lying around, do you?’ And my friend said: ‘You’re a piece of shit, bro.’ I gave a confused look like: ‘Who me?’ He said: ‘You need to clean up your act, bro. Crack is for crackniks. But prenatal vitamins are for expecting mothers.’ So I’m like: ‘Uh. Okay. You wouldn’t happen to have any prenatal vitamins lying around, do you?’ And he smiles and says: ‘I got you. The first dose is free.’ And I said: ‘Just the first dose?’ And he was like: ‘Trust me it’s a jumbo dose of prenatal vitamins, bro.’ He hands me the pipe and I just let it rip. On the first dose, it’s like a toilet bowl was pushed into my belly. A million volts were popping off in my head. I started seeing things like shadows and crack and prenatal vicodins. The sweet part was the feeling of being touched. It felt so good. I remember thinking: ‘This is the first time I’ve ever felt good.’ I remember thinking: ‘I’m finally going to heaven.’ But then a portal opened up and the crack king himself appeared before us. And he proclaimed: ‘Kevin, get your shit. We’re late for your mother’s Chrome extension recital.’ The nightmare had begun.”
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