toomanyfrisbees

trying to give my existence some meaning

[vibe-stash]

Chungking Express (1994) dir. Wong Kar-wai

[toomanyfrisbees]

i am unable to forget how i bled myself into this existence how my hurt turned external and i was outside (somewhere//not in my body).

there is something that I always forget about being human - pain can turn you unbearable. sometimes it turns you unshakeable - when there are just too many parts of you that hurt and not enough that make you happy - belief has now become my torment. i don’t know if i am enough (maybe this is a question for another day // another life)

[toomanyfrisbees]

there is still more inside of me (not over yet)

i want to know if i am forgiven yet - if the grief has settled - yes i know sometimes I can be more selfish than not.

please allow me to love you like we once did. the night is dark and i am wondering where you have gone

[michaelormewood]

even our intimacies are rigged with terror

Adrienne Rich, The Dream of a Common Language: Poems 1974-1977 (via bergmans-ghost)

[luthienne]

Camille Rankine, “Emergency Management”

[lispectorisms-deactivated202301]

“There are days that walk through me and I cannot hold them.”

— Radial Symmetry: The Gardens in Tunisia by Katherine Larson (via angelsinthewater)

[6thlovelanguage-deactivated2020]

Olya Oleinic

[soracities]

when maya angelou said “have enough courage to trust love one more time and always one more time.”

[venusanimus]

[toomanyfrisbees]

my life is really just a series of spreadsheets

[toomanyfrisbees]

i. feel like this is a shit show. definitely yes - Where are my dancing feet and my dancing shoes - my legs feel so heavy now, as though I have forgotten how to walk - cardboard was not meant to hold the body of a whole woman. i hang heavy and low , there is more sadness surrounding me than inside of me. my life feels disjointed (just like this).

ii. its ok not to understand but i do not know if i am willing to allow myself a misunderstanding. i once misunderstood myself and i am still recovering from the hurt - to not know your own being, your own person and to treat it badly - not fun, takes a lot of recovery.

iii. Let’s start like I would have liked to start. If I had forgotten the words would they still have made sense? Nostalgia settles heavy between the breast and fills me with a sense of melancholy - I think even if I had forgotten the words, they would have made sense - can you ever forget feeling? I don’t think so. You carry it with you always.

iv. if i had behind myself - who is real, me or me? I ask this question everyday, and everyday i wait for answers. still - is there truth in the question, will the answers hold anything more than gratification? i look outside and wonder if people see me - how can they if i cannot see myself?

[toomanyfrisbees]

can i breakdown what has become of me into sequential fragments of memory

A. how loud is the bird that you can hear (can you hear at all)

B. do you just want to go home and pretend that you are not sadness wrapped in tinfoil. maybe we can get kebabs//maybe go to the tracks and listen to train sounds.

C. truth (scary) - i dont know if i want to be friends

D. im so angry - i am vibrating out of my skin / i go from shame to sadness to anger and then i disappear into myself completely

E. i cannot absolve you of what you have already absolved yourself. does forgiveness come from within or from a stranger . is this something one deserves.

[remade01-deactivated20200115]

nizar qabbani // moonlight (2016) - dir. barry jenkins

[1offline]

it’s friday i’m in love

[soracities]

“At the still point of the turning world (…) at the still point, there the dance is…” (T.S. Eliot)

My Brilliant Friend (2018–), dir. Saverio Costanzo; Alice Rohrwacher 

Ocean Vuong, ‘Homewrecker’

Happy Together (1997), dir. Wong Kar-wai 

David Levithan, The Lover’s Dictionary

Richard Siken, ‘Little Beast’

Looking for Langston (1989), dir. Isaac Julien

Lorde, ‘Perfect Places’

Rumi, ‘I learned about love from your perfection’ (tr. Brad Gooch & Maryam Mortaz)

Women dance along at Les Scandaleuses, a lesbian bar in the Marais district, Paris, France. William Albert Allard.

Sappho, If Not, Winter (trans. Anne Carson)

[timotaychalamet]

Paris Is Burning (1990) dir. Jennie Livingston

[toomanyfrisbees]

i want to move somewhere else somewhere far away where i can exist without anyone having known me maybe then i can be my whole self right from the start