TooSoSo

Life is very soso

[toososo]

Fear,Life and Hiding🚿🧸

✨M was there, right opposite to me, right in front of me. M's lean figure, gripping the makeshift barbeque stick with marshmallows on it. The glow of the fire, illuminating most things around them except the right side of their face. I have been starring, that realization, is an awkward one. It is okay to stare sometimes and it isn't okay to stare sometimes and I don't know the difference. I looked at my sprawled journal on my lap and looked back at them. They are, now sharing those marshmallows with the person next to them. My sister's friend, who was even older than my sister, told us that, not sharing your food is a curse in itself, it shows you were a pauper in your previous life and you never grow out of it in any of your next lives. They might not be a pauper in the last life.

I get up from my spot,my blanket, that covered my knees, slips down. The entire world is cold. I am so glad I wore a beanie. I picked up my water bottle and went to the snacks counter to get it filled. Luke warm water, sounds wonderful right now. Someone called me luke-warm a few years ago, I was surprised, "What does that mean?" I scream yelled."You are neither nor, you have no self, it's awful to be around you." I opened to retort, but I knew they were right. I filled up my bottle and came back to my seat, glancing over to see M. M was now, talking with someone, it seemed interesting, whatever they were talking.

Am I interesting? Would anyone find me interesting. I picked up my journal, and folded the lawn chair I was sitting on and walked over to the lake. M has been in most of my circle is friends. I say circle, because T, my friend's circle is very wide and T never fails to invite me to the parties, the picnics,to the seance. The seance,the one is January, is when it all happened...

[toososo]

🌾🛸Feeling like somebody, feeling like nobody.

How relatable are you to yourself?

Today I looked at something and thought, hey! That's exactly like me! Really? Was that exactly like me? Or was it just some parts exactly like me? When I approached this 'exactly like me' I just felt this immense fear that it isn't exactly like me and that put me in inaction. I froze. So very numb. I closed everything and I sat with myself, picking the scab.

No, that's not me. Definitely not me. Maybe, if it was me, it was just for a minute, just for a moment when I felt completely like me, not anymore.

This concoction of me, I have sometimes come to dislike. Someone who can't be this and someone who never want to be that. What do I want to be, is so mysterious. Is it really?

I saw the moon rise today. Slowly. In 10 mins, she was right on top of me, making me have no shadow. Did I change? Was 'I' the 'I' I liked 10 mins ago or have I amalgamated into something new?

It is all so simple. I just need to simply lay down and think.

#thoughts #fear

[toososo]

🪁🧵🧶 Growing a self ( fiction):

While I was reading Dr Winnicott's book, I can across this sentence talking about adolescents:

"at fourteen they are commonly suicidal, and theirs is the task of tolerating the interaction of several disparate phenomena- their own immaturity, their own idea of what life is about, and their own ideals and aspirations; add to this their personal disillusionment about the world of grown-ups - which for them seems to be essentially a world of compromise, of false values, and of infinite distraction from the main theme. As they leave this stage, adolescent boys and girls are beginning to feel real, to have a sense of self and of being. From being comes doing, but there can be no do before be, and this is their message to us."

And this inspired me to write the shortest fiction every written:

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The phone kept ringing and ringing. It was with much difficulty I got his number. It was a friend's friend's sister's teacher who used to teach him too. previously thought of phone chains being very gimmicky, they were transformed into a holy grail for me at that moment!

"Hello? " he said on the other side.

I was blinking, was this real? Did he pick up my call? Was I talking to him ? Was I hearing his voice after three years?

"Hello, who is this?" He repeated aggressively

I couldn't utter anything, I pressed the end button so hard that the Nokia ____phone vibrated a tiny bit.

I took a few deep breath, okay okay, talking, that is not my strong suit. I am not really the talker, unless I can prepare what I need to talk. But in this case, preparing was not going to help too!

So I started typing....Hi, how are you, I am Yyy from school. I wanted to tell you that I like you very much, maybe I love you!.....

Waiting.. waiting... waiting..my phone beeped and I almost thought my eyes would pop out when I saw the '1 text ' on my phone.

The text read ' if you text me again, I will talk to my parents to talk to your parents about this.'

For a minute, I thought it was a joke. Was it a joke? What an innocent joke. It wasn't a joke. He was very serious. He took what I said very seriously! I think that was the first time someone actually took what I had to say very seriously.

His text, made me think, what an innoct boy, what a self-less innocent boy. He actually has conversations with parents about girls. He actually thinks he can have a conversation about this with his parents.

I wished I did not have this large than life self. I wished I did not feel so self conscious with my parents l. I wished, having feelings was not taken very convoluted(ly).

I looked at the text again. Decided, it is for the best to keep all the feelings inside , because I was not very innocent and self less.

It is best, to float with minimum damage to anyone else's self worth.

I put my phone on charge, got up from my chair, and walked to the kitchen to get a drink of water.

🪁🧵🧶