tootlesanddoodles

[tootlesanddoodles]

Finished the Phantom Rider arc of the comics and it was great except Shadow wasn't there so I had to draw them ^-^

[tootlesanddoodles]

Just some art I did for my fanfic

[tootlesanddoodles]

An Archive of Our Own, a project of the Organization for Transformative Works

Shadow leaned back a little, studying him with calm, piercing crimson eyes. “Why did you decide to date Amy?” he asked.

Sonic tilted his face up to the sun and closed his eyes. “Hmm. ’Cause she asked me, I guess.”

“Did you want to?” Shadow probed.

“Y-yeah.” Something broke in Sonic's voice.

“Why?”

“’Cause she asked me,” Sonic repeated, frustration creeping up into his voice.

[tootlesanddoodles]

Who are those for, I wonder? (:

This will be my first Valentine's Day with a girlfriend, so that's exciting. 🌈Hope it's a good day for all of you as well.

[tootlesanddoodles]

There was a single, uncovered bulb dangling above the cell door, and to say he was surprised when the figure stepped out into the dim light beneath it would be an understatement. His heart leaped a little at the sight of someone normal, even a hedgehog like him, albeit one he had never met before. For one heartstopping second he thought he was saved. And then he took it all in: the impassive scowl, the golden chains dangling from his wrists, the crimson meridians lit like fire and sleek like blood dripping down his quills and licking up his arms.

This was not a friend.

Sonic sat there, frozen, gazing up into his eyes for a long, spinetingling moment.

And then he opened the door.

[tootlesanddoodles]

Just Let Me Stay With You

An Archive of Our Own, a project of the Organization for Transformative Works

“Shadow… you killed them?”

“Yes.” It was simple and unapologetic. Neither prideful nor repentant.

Sonic hummed noncommittally. And that was fine. It wasn’t for Shadow to tell Sonic how to feel about it. But they wouldn’t bother him anymore. And that was something Shadow could say with certainty.

[tootlesanddoodles]

I Love You

[Sequel to I'm Sure]

Sonic trembled where he lay nestled in Shadow’s arms. The other hedgehog was fast asleep by now, having exhausted himself with enough stress for both of them today. Sonic lifted his head just enough to poke his nose up over Shadow’s shoulder. Dim moonlight was leaking through the one window of the bedroom, and he longed to feel the cool night breeze against his face. Shadow had only turned on the heat for his sake, but he felt suddenly suffocated, and a gnawing, unnamed uneasiness clawed at his stomach. Unsure of its source, he was left trembling in unidentified trepidation. 

Sonic’s heart beat unusually fast on a normal day, but now it thrummed frantically against his chest, and it only took a moment more before Shadow’s arms tightened around him. He stirred and tilted his head to look toward the window as well. “What is it?” he murmured, and Sonic guiltily tried to settle down again. 

“Nothing.” But his voice was scratchy, and Shadow’s hands found his face in time to catch the warm tears that had slipped down his cheeks. He couldn’t remember the last time he had cried. Sober, anyway. He pulled away, embarrassed, and Shadow sat up. He was squinting in the light of the moon through the curtains. 

“What can I do?” he asked softly, but he didn’t reach for him again. Sonic, feeling foolish, sat up too and shivered without cold. 

“Can… Can I open the window?” 

Shadow glanced at it sharply, then moved to get up. 

“N-no, I can do it,” Sonic protested, but Shadow acted as though he hadn’t heard him. In one swift motion the curtains were drawn back and the window was wide open. A rush of cool air entered the room, and Sonic leaned gratefully back against the headboard, wiping sweat from his forehead and taking great gulps of air into his lungs. 

Shadow was messing with the thermostat. He came padding back to the bed and sat on the edge, facing away from him, fiddling with the gleaming golden ring around one wrist.

Another wave of guilt washed over Sonic and he scooted over to make room for him. “I’m sorry, it just felt so stuffy all of a sudden. Guess I’m a high maintenance guest,” he added with a light laugh, and wiped his eyes dry. 

Shadow stiffened and turned to look at him. “You’re not a guest. Unless you want to be,” he added after a pause. “You can open windows or adjust the thermostat whenever you want.”

Sonic’s breath hitched in his throat, and a fresh wave of terror washed over him, rippling through his quills so that they stood up on end. He covered his mouth with one hand, struggling to contain his gasps. 

Shadow hesitated, then climbed over to sit beside him. He didn’t touch him but for one hand at his arm, and he didn’t speak but for indiscernible, soothing murmurs against the fluff of one ear. 

When Sonic had worn himself out with sobbing he quieted down and relaxed more fully against the pillowed headboard, turning his head toward Shadow and shivering again. He felt suddenly, desperately cold. Shadow reached out and pulled the blanket up around him. He smoothed back the fur on his forehead. “Is it what happened today?” he asked finally, and caressed his ears.

“Y-yeah,” Sonic choked, realizing it only as he said it. “I was s-so scared you would l-leave me,” he gasped out, ashamed. Where was all that calm, reasonable maturity from earlier? They’d talked this out already. They’d both apologized. So why was it a problem now? He’d thought if he handled it well, if he didn’t get too upset, that he might not scare Shadow away from him. That he’d stay with him. 

But now he was messing that up again. Shadow wouldn’t have the energy for Sonic’s emotions on top of his own. He would surely become exhausted soon, and then it really would be over. 

A fresh wave of sobs stuttered out of him, and he realized he might be sick if he kept this up. 

“I’m not going anywhere,” Shadow told him, and felt for his hand. “That’s not going to happen. Whatever you’re visualizing. I’m not that fragile.”

The barest hint of a laugh escaped him, and he focused intently on steadying his breathing.

“I know what I said today hurt you. You don’t have to pretend like it didn’t,” Shadow continued, and Sonic looked up into his eyes for the first time tonight. Shadow smirked a little. “What, you think I can’t take it? Who do you think you’re talking to?” 

Sonic’s mouth twisted and he looked down again.

“I was afraid you would leave, once you found out how I really am,” Shadow said softly, all traces of amusement gone. “So I thought I’d beat you to it. That wasn’t fair to you, and I can’t take it back, but I’ll spend as much time as I need to to get you to trust me again.”

Sonic looked up sharply with every intent of protesting. But in the end he just slumped against him, and Shadow began kissing his face tenderly.

“I love you.” Wait, was three months too soon to say that? No, it’d only been one day since they were official. Sonic stiffened in embarrassment, but Shadow only laughed and said it back to him like it was the easiest thing in the world. 

[tootlesanddoodles]

A Different Side of You

Sometimes, Shadow didn’t know his own strength.

Apparently Sonic didn’t either. “That… was… awesome!” he said, pumping one fist in the dusty air and taking a lot longer than usual to sit upright. Don’t hold back, he’d said. Give it all you’ve got! Of course, Shadow had done no such thing. The golden rings remained securely around his wrists and ankles, and he’d only fought a little harder than usual at Sonic’s bidding. The blue hedgehog was bored, he’d said. Wanted some excitement, he’d said. 

Well, he’d gotten it. Shadow had thought Sonic would dodge his last blow, but instead he’d crashed straight through the wall of an abandoned, dilapidated structure near the edge of the clearing. And now he was bleeding. 

Shadow surged forward through the fresh opening Sonic had blasted through the side of the wall, kneeling beside him where he supported himself unsteadily on one hand. “You’re hurt,” he said expressionlessly, and Sonic blinked at him. 

“What, this? It’s just a scratch. I’ve had worse!” 

Scratch? More like gash. The raw skin beneath the fur on one shoulder was oozing blood like it’d been scraped at with a giant cheese grater.

“It needs to be cleaned. Now.” Shadow didn’t wait for him to further attempt his unsteady climb to his feet. He scooped him up in both hands and made for the opening again. 

“Wha - ? Wait, put me down! I can walk.”

“Not fast enough,” Shadow said, then smirked at the bruise he must’ve just unintentionally inflicted upon Sonic’s ego. The blue hedgehog reacted as one might expect, with incensed wriggling.

“Seriously? Seriously? I’m like 10 times faster than you and you know it, even with your fancy shoes.” 

“Oh really? Then why didn’t you just challenge me to a race? Then we wouldn’t be in this situation right now.”

Sonic finally stopped struggling and slumped against him. “That would be too easy,” he grumbled. But the fight had gone out of him. “I’d just beat you and then you’d leave,” he added petulantly. 

Shadow frowned and glanced down at him, narrowly dodging a couple of trees when he looked back up. This was a rather messy shortcut to his house, but he wasn’t slowing down for anything. “You never ask me to stay!” he snarled. “Is that what you wanted? You don’t have to get yourself punched through a wall for that.”

-

Sonic was silent the rest of the way back. He didn’t protest when Shadow carried him in and set him at a kitchen table while he went to fetch his first aid kit. Some of the blood had clumped and dried in his fur by this point, and Shadow brought a cloth and bucket of warm water to clean it off. 

The antiseptic stung, but Shadow didn’t scold him when he flinched away. He seemed entirely focused on the task at hand, eventually wrapping his arm and shoulder in a thin layer of gauze to keep the wounds from being disturbed before they healed. “This isn’t the first time you’ve done this, is it?” Sonic asked him, thinking he was done. 

“Wait.” Sonic froze as Shadow cupped his chin and tilted his head up. The ringing in Sonic’s ears hadn’t stopped yet, and the light hurt his eyes. “One second,” Shadow said gently, and reached for the antiseptic again. The space around Sonic’s right eye was swollen, apparently. Shadow patted it with a cotton ball and Shadow gazed up at him, wondering if he’d never seen him before. 

When Shadow drew back again, Sonic felt an unexpected wave of disappointment. He guessed he really was done now. He watched as Shadow packed up the first aid kit again. “Why do you have that?” he asked quietly. He didn’t get hurt very often. At least, not like this. None of them did.

“You should always have one,” Shadow told him matter-of-factly. “You never know when you might need it.”

That’s right. Shadow was raised in a lab or something. That was almost like a hospital. Maybe he was used to this.

“Well, I’ve never needed it,” Sonic yawned, stretching. Ouch. He shuddered when the motion tugged at the raw skin around his wounds. 

Shadow eyed him, looking a bit annoyed. “Well, now you do. And it’s your own fault.” He seemed uncharacteristically angry over a sparring match. 

“I told you, it’s not even that bad compared to what I usually get from Eggman.”

“I’m. Not. Eggman,” Shadow hissed through his teeth, tense and unmoving, glaring down at the first aid kit.

Sonic watched him as he slowly moved to pick up the rest of the kit and shut the clear plastic case. “I know,” he said quietly. “I just thought that since we hadn’t sparred in a while - ”

Shadow whirled on him. “You think I want to - to fight you all the time? You think I’m okay with this?”

He slammed the case back in his place under the counter and went around to the sink. Turned on the faucet. Filled a cup. Leaned over it heavily. “I’m not… I wasn’t made for this, you know? I’m supposed to… I’m supposed to...”

Sonic stared at his back for a moment. Then he slid off his stool, coming around the counter unsteadily. The ringing still hadn’t stopped. “H-Hey, take it easy. You did… you did a pretty good job, I mean, from what I can tell. It doesn’t even hurt anymore. See?”

Shadow didn’t turn. He took a steadying breath, then downed his glass in one gulp. Then, seeming to realize something, he reached for another glass. “Does your head hurt?” he asked curtly. “I’ve got something you can take.”

Sonic waited meekly for the medicine. He wasn’t about to argue at this point. 

“You shouldn’t leave yet,” Shadow told him when he’d taken it. “But you can’t lie down. Not after getting hit in the head like that. Here, sit in the living room and I’ll get you a blanket.”

Sonic didn’t realize until that moment that he was shivering. Shadow kept the temperature ridiculously low in his house, being used to the cold of space. Still, if Shadow was determined to keep an eye on him, Sonic wouldn’t complain. He settled himself on the carpet with his back against the couch, so he wouldn’t slump. Shadow was very serious about his remaining upright. Apparently lying down after a concussion was a big no-no. 

“How do you know so much about medical things?” Sonic asked him. Shadow set two steaming cups of tea on the low coffee table. 

“I read,” Shadow told him, and there was just a hint of smugness in his voice when he said it. “You should try it sometime.”

“I read!” Sonic protested. “I don’t spend all my time fighting and running around, you know.”

Shadow looked at him with one raised eyebrow.

“And…” Sonic continued, focusing hard to accurately formulate what he wanted to say. “And, we don’t have to spend all our time doing that, either. I just thought…I just didn’t know you’d want to do anything else. With me anyway,” he finished.

Shadow shrugged and took a sip of his tea. “You don’t have to try to impress me.”

Sonic spluttered. “Wha - I - that’s not what it was!”

Shadow snorted suddenly, and Sonic realized he’d never heard him laugh before. He stared, fascinated. “Well, I was a little impressed,” Shadow admitted. “That was a spectacular failure today.”

Sonic lunged at him, concussion and all, and Shadow tumbled back in shock, jostling the table and sending splatters of green tea all over it. 

“Stop! Stop it, you’re making a mess,” Shadow got out, grasping his hands, and Sonic realized in shock that he was giggling, the sound bubbling up from deep within his chest. “You’re supposed to take it easy, at least for the next few hours so I can monitor your condition.”

“Okay, okay,” Sonic consented, and settled them both upright again, laughing. He couldn’t stop staring. He felt like he’d been seeing a completely different side of Shadow today. And maybe it was his own fault he’d never seen it before. Shadow was still smiling a little, and Sonic was suddenly seized with the inexplicable urge to kiss him.

Shadow caught his gaze and reddened. “Sorry,” he said, and then they both laughed again because neither one of them knew why he’d said it. He hesitated a moment, then reached for Sonic’s face again, and this time it was different. Sonic took his hand and grasped it tightly in both of his. Then he pushed his nose right into Shadow’s and they both laughed again. “Sorry,” Shadow repeated, even though it definitely wasn’t his fault, and Sonic cupped his face to make it easier. 

The kiss was rather longer than he originally intended, and when he pulled away he felt suddenly awkward. “Sorry.” It was his turn to say it now, but Shadow shook his head before resting it against his chest.

Sonic found himself struck again by how different he seemed now than when they bantered on the battlefield. He ran his fingers through his quills and Shadow sighed. “Hey,” he teased. “It’s not fair for you to fall asleep when I can’t.”

“I’m not sleeping,” Shadow grumbled. But very soon his breathing was becoming more rhythmic and steady.

“Shadow,” he whispered. “I’m sorry about today.” He planted a kiss on his forehead, and Shadow stirred, cracking his eyes open.

“It doesn’t matter now,” he said, and closed his eyes again.

[tootlesanddoodles]

We all have bad days.

[tootlesanddoodles]

First kiss.

You can read the story here.

[tootlesanddoodles]

I'm Sure

[Sequel to With You]

Shadow didn’t like working with other people. They slowed him down. Made things… messy. They couldn’t be objective, and so the results were always, always mixed. Shadow knew how to keep his mind on the mission at hand. There was nothing to distract him, after all. Nothing to lose. 

Until now. 

His mouth twisted as he watched them. Whatever drunken sob story Sonic had haphazardly confessed to him all those months ago, it was clear he had no issue making friends now. 

Friends.

One of them, the pink one, what was her name? She was all over him, as usual. She seemed to have a radar set to his location at all times. Tackle hugs were frequent, and Sonic rarely pushed her off with any real force. Did he like the attention? Was he afraid of her? Of hurting her?

Shadow snorted. Please. She knew exactly what she was doing. Wearing him down slowly until any discomfort was only a show. 

Well, what did Shadow care? He was the one who wanted this. He was the one who said, “I can’t be a good partner right now.” They weren’t partners. They weren’t anything. So what if Sonic wanted to be near him all the time. So what if Shadow didn’t mind if he was. So what? Sonic could hang out with whoever he wanted. Clearly.

“Shadow!” Sonic was waving at him furiously, one hand still clutched in hers. She was looking over, too. Smiling shyly. They all were. Except Tails, who was still focusing intently on the tiny screen of one of his gadgets. 

Sonic’s wave had turned into a beckoning gesture. Shadow shook his head almost imperceptibly, and Sonic was forced to disentangle himself and jog over to where he waited at the top of the hill. 

“Shadow!” He was breathless. “Tails thinks he found the right frequency. We should be able to catch up to the badniks within a few hours, if we work together. We could split into groups. I could go north with - ”

“With who? With Amy?” Her name resurfaced in his mind at last. Just in time for him to make a fool of himself.

Sonic frowned in confusion. “Uh, I was going to say with you and Tails, since Amy’s good at remembering directions. She wouldn’t need Tails with her, and he works best with me anyway. She could go with Knuckles…” Sonic was thinking out loud at this point, scratching his head uncomfortably and rambling. 

Shadow turned away. “Fine. Whatever you want to do. Just hurry up, this is taking way too long. This is why I don’t like asking for second and third opinions.”

Sonic’s arms dropped to his sides. His eyes were wide and nonplussed. “What’s the matter with you?”

“What’s always the matter with me?” Shadow snapped. He usually did things his way. He usually worked alone. If he ran into the others, sobeit. That’s how he worked best. That’s how they all worked best, but he didn’t know how to say no anymore. Not since - not since Sonic had more or less attached himself to him at all times. Since Shadow had let him.

He turned away. “I’ll go east on my own. It’s always worked fine before.”

“Wha - ? Wait!” Sonic caught his arm.

A shudder shot through him, and all his quills stood on end. “Don’t touch me!” Sonic would never have grabbed him that way before. Shadow shuffled back so quickly he tripped and landed hard on the ground. 

“Sorry.” Sonic covered his mouth with one hand. There was an indescribable expression on his face. Was it… disappointment?

That hurt. “I’m not like you,” Shadow hissed, grabbing the proverbial shovel, eager, for some reason, to bury himself deeper. Let Sonic see how this was really going to be. What it would really be like to be… attached… to someone like him. “I don’t just let people hang all over me whenever they feel like it. I have standards.” He spit the words like venom. 

“What?” Sonic seemed genuinely bewildered - and frightened. Good. He should be. He could lose this too, and he ought to know it. “Are you… are you talking about Amy?” Sonic glanced back at the little group, which was now huddled around Tails and his gadget. “But that’s… that’s just Amy,” he said hoarsely, voice dropping to a whisper. 

“Yeah? Well I’m just me, too. And I never told you you could hang around me forever. I told you I’d let you know when it was too much, didn’t I? Well, it’s too much.” Shadow climbed to his feet and dusted off his hands. 

“What are you saying?” Sonic was trembling. He blinked too rapidly. 

“I never said anything!” Shadow hissed. “That’s the point! So do whatever you want. And I will too.” He turned, and Sonic didn’t grab him this time. 

Good. He’d figured it out, too. Shadow wouldn’t be here forever. Nobody would. And there was nothing you could do about it.

-

Sonic came back late, shuffling in out of the rain. Shadow jumped when the door creaked on its hinges, letting in a gust of cold air. 

They’d finished the battle hours ago. The others wanted to celebrate, and Sonic had gone with them. Shadow hadn’t. 

Shadow looked away. He was on the couch again, tablet in hand. He hadn’t expected Sonic to come back to his house. At least not today. They hadn’t spoken since this afternoon.

Sonic shook himself, sending a spray of rain down onto the welcome mat (and the floor around it). He reached for a towel hanging by the door, scrubbed his head with it, then draped it over his shoulders as he made his way to the kitchen counter. He opened the cupboard, felt around for the coffee, then proceeded to put a pot on to brew. 

Shadow watched him silently, following his every movement with his eyes as he clutched his tablet tightly in both hands, ignoring its prompts to continue. 

Sonic noticed his gaze and smiled. “Want some? I’m making a whole pot just in case.”

Shadow stared at him. Cleared his throat. “No thanks.”

Sonic shrugged and began searching for his favorite mug, the one he always left on the counter and reused without washing.

“It’s in the dish drainer,” Shadow told him. 

“What?” Sonic drew back in mock horror. “You washed it? Now you’ve ruined that delicious, old coffee-ground taste.”

Shadow’s lip curled despite himself. An uncontrollable urge to laugh came bubbling up from deep inside him. It came out as a sort of choking snort, and Sonic whirled around, shocked. Then he grinned. “I know, I’m hilarious.”

He poured coffee into his shiny, pristine cup and came over to flop down on the carpet before the couch, facing Shadow where he sat with his legs curled up beneath him on the right cushion. “How’s your game?” he asked casually, taking a sip from his mug. 

“Why are you here?” Shadow never was one for small talk. He focused on the screen, seeing nothing.

Sonic was silent for a moment. Then - “Do you want me to leave?”

“No.” The word came out almost sullenly. 

“That’s why then, I guess.” Sonic hugged his knees.

“But I told you… really bad things.”

Sonic shrugged. “You weren’t wrong. You said I could be here sometimes, when you were up to it. You never agreed to anything else. And I told you you could let me know whenever it was too much. So you did.”

Shadow felt an old, familiar sensation. One he hadn’t felt in years. A tightness in his chest. A prickling at his eyelids. A swelling in his throat. He set the tablet aside and lowered himself to the floor at the base of the couch. He reached out and laid a hand on one of Sonic’s wet, muddy shoes. “I’m sorry.”

Sonic studied him for a moment. “I don’t like Amy. Not that way,” he said. 

“Okay.”

“I’ve told her that before, and she seemed to understand. But sometimes she gets clingy. And I never really set that boundary with her. I should have.”

Shadow sucked a breath in through his nose and shook his head. “That’s none of my business.”

“Isn’t it?” Sonic tilted his head. “After what I said to you, after all these months, isn’t it your business?”

“No, because I…” One warm tear escaped down his cheek. “I never committed.” 

Sonic nodded, conceding. “That’s true.”

Shadow sucked in a shaky gasp and looked down. “I’m sorry.”

“I don’t think you should apologize for something like that. You shouldn’t do anything you don’t want to do.”

“But I…” I do want to. He couldn’t get the words out. He hated himself for that.

Sonic’s gaze softened. “It’s okay. I never asked you to.”

“Ask me!” Shadow got out, and buried his head in his hands. “Ask me because I can’t say it.”

A hand on his head. Smoothing out his unruly quills. The tenderness of the touch undid him and he sobbed. 

Sonic was beside him now, one arm around his shoulders and the other continuing to smooth down the fur on his forehead. It was a reversal of their positions from that night, but somehow Shadow didn’t mind. He quieted himself and rested his head on Sonic’s shoulder. “Sorry,” he said again. 

“It doesn’t matter.”

Shadow flinched as Sonic said his own line back to him. “Can I kiss you?” he asked suddenly, before he could stop himself.

Sonic stiffened. “Now?” 

“I mean, we don’t have to if you don’t want to.”

Sonic pulled away from him, studying his face. Then he kissed him. It was quick and sweet.

And then they were both blushing furiously and Shadow rested his head on Sonic’s shoulder again, if only so he didn’t have to look at him.

“Are you sure you want this?” he asked after a while.

Sonic laughed a little, the sound vibrating in his chest. “That’s a silly question.”

[click here to see my art of this scene]

[click here for a sequel]

[tootlesanddoodles]

With You

[Sequel to I Like You]

I just want to be near you, he’d said.

Shadow watched him where he lay curled on his side beside him, breathing rhythmic in sleep, one ear twitching a little.

Shadow hadn’t had a panic attack in three months. Every time it started, that roiling rush of dismay rising deep within his chest, choking him, tilting the solid ground beneath his feet, there was a constant. A presence that didn’t change, no matter how far away it might be in the moment. He could breathe. He could hope. He could feel. 

And now the only thing he was afraid of was losing it again.

That’s why he’d started keeping him closer. Even at night, Shadow didn’t want to be alone. 

He was becoming needy as hell.

He sighed and rolled onto his side, reaching out to gently tussle his companion’s fluffy blue ears. 

Sonic startled and curled tighter for a moment, scrunching up his nose and creasing his brow at the disturbance. His eyes cracked open with a flash of emerald.

“What is it?” he murmured huskily, and Shadow smiled a little. 

“You, that’s what. I can’t stop looking at you.”

“Huh?” Sonic was utterly lost. He sat up on one elbow and looked around the room. “What time is it?”

“Early. Go back to sleep. I’m sorry I woke you.”

Sonic looked down at him. “Are you okay?”

Shadow didn’t answer. Just stared at him, unable to form the words.

Thankfully Sonic didn’t need him to. He settled back down, closer this time, and pressed his nose up against Shadow’s neck. “Me too,” he said. 

[Click here for a sequel]

[tootlesanddoodles]

I Like You

[Sequel to A Silly Question]

Sonic was on his third cup of coffee and still hung over. Is this what all the fuss was about? Once was enough, he decided. He was never drinking again. 

Shadow was hitting the caffeine as well, not that it seemed to affect him much. He might not need a lot of sleep, but he’d hardly gotten any, stuck on the couch all night once Sonic dozed off on his shoulder. Sonic felt bad about that, looking at the dark bags beneath his eyes.

“You could have kicked me off and gone to bed,” he suggested, too late.

Shadow ignored him. “Another refill?” He gestured at Sonic’s cup with a fresh, steaming pitcher.

“Thank you.”

Truthfully, Sonic felt a bit awkward. Embarrassed. He’d made a fool of himself, and Shadow was being so nice about it for some reason.

He sighed, staring into his steaming cup. Sometimes he thought it was easier when he was berated. Still, maybe this was the perfect time to tell him. When he might not make such a big deal out of it.

“Shadow… Can I tell you something?” His heart thrummed against his chest. His fingers dug into the couch cushions. So much for not making a big deal out of it.

“Told me plenty while you were drunk,” Shadow returned drily, putting the coffeepot back in its place in the kitchen.

Sonic flushed. He’d meant to tell him last night, but it never happened. He vaguely remembered babbling about something stupid and getting emotional. And Shadow’s response. I don’t dislike you. That was something, wasn’t it?

“Remember when you said you don’t… dislike me?”

Shadow shot him a meaningful look. “Don’t make me regret it.”

A nervous giggle escaped him. God, he couldn’t breathe. “So the thing is … I don’t dislike you, either. I mean… I like you, I mean.”

Shadow snorted. “I think we've established that.”

What? He knew? But the relaxed, amused glint in Shadow’s eyes as he returned to the living room convinced Sonic he’d been misunderstood.

He gritted his teeth and forced out the words. “No, I mean… I like you… more than I like other people.”

Shadow rolled his eyes and took a sip from his own cup.

“I mean, different than I like other people.”

Silence. Shadow set his cup down on the counter, and then carefully, as though moving in slow motion, he stepped around the coffee table and lowered himself onto the couch, a good 3 feet from where Sonic sat. He was flushing furiously beneath the soft, fine layer of beige fur around his nose. He looked down at his hands, twisting one golden ring around and around.

“I don't… I don't think I can do that right now,” he said finally.

Sonic frowned. “Do what?

“I mean I'm not… I’m not the kind of person who can be a good… partner… to somebody.”

Sonic was quiet for a moment, considering this. “I guess I don't want you to be. I just wanted you to know.”

Shadow blinked. “Oh.”

Sonic shifted. “Yeah, I mean, I just wanted you to know. And like, whenever you do have the energy, I’d love to just… be near you.”

Shadows flaming cheeks deepened a few more shades. “I see.”

“Is that okay?”

For the first time, Shadow met his gaze. Something behind his eyes softened. “Yeah. “

It took everything Sonic had in that moment not to pump his fist into the air. Instead he smiled. Beamed. “Okay. I'll come back later then.” And he launched himself off the couch and toward the door.

“Just tell me, you know,” he added, hesitating midstep. “If it's too much.”

Shadow examined him silently for a moment, sizing him up. Determining if he could take that kind of honesty. “I will,” he said finally. And even smiled a little. 

-

“Can I hold your hand?”

Shadow froze, fingers poised over the tablet screen. This particular puzzle game was free, if glitchy and full of ads, but it was the only thing that worked to slow the thoughts he got sometimes. And, more importantly, it was easier to play with two hands.

He turned his head to look at the other end of the couch where Sonic was decidedly not looking at him. His knees were drawn up tightly and he was fidgeting with the tassels of the blanket that had essentially become his over the last few weeks’ worth of evenings.

“Why?” Shadow’s tone came off a bit grumpier than he’d meant it to.

Sonic lifted one shoulder in a shrug and ventured a glance at him. “It’s okay if you don’t want to.”

Shadow didn’t move for a couple of moments. Then, he extended one hand gingerly onto the middle couch cushion and left it there. Sonic scooped it up eagerly in both of his, jostling one smooth golden bangle in the process and sending a jolt of panic through its owner. Shadow jerked away like he’d been burned.

“Oh, I’m sorry. Did that bother you?” Sonic looked genuinely horrified. 

Shadow let out a breath. “N-No. I was just surprised,” he said, and returned his hand to its place on the center cushion.

Sonic didn’t take it. “I won’t do it again.”

“It doesn’t matter.”

“It matters to me! If it bothers you.” Sonic actually sounded angry, and Shadow blinked at him.

“It doesn’t - it just startled me, that’s all! I don’t like taking them off and I got..” I got scared, he wanted to say, but didn’t.

Sonic tilted his head quizzically. “Why not? Does it hurt?”

Shadow shook his head once, noncommittally. “More like it’s a lot of pressure. In my head and my chest. And a ringing sound.”

Sonic sat back. “Wow. I had no idea.”

“It doesn’t matter,” Shadow repeated, and Sonic pursed his lips in frustration. But he must have decided to let it go, since he soon took the offered hand again, more carefully this time, and knitted his fingers between Shadow’s.

“This is nice,” he said after a while, and Shadow realized he’d stopped trying to play his game.

The thoughts had stopped on their own.

[Click here for a sequel]

[tootlesanddoodles]

A Silly Question

"Wait. Are you... drunk?" Shadow wrinkled his nose in protest. Sonic smelled bad enough on a normal day.

"It's my birthday," the blue hedgehog replied by way of an answer, and slumped into the opposite seat uninvited.

"Your twenty-first? And you're alone?" Shadow didn't realize how insensitive that could have sounded until the words left his mouth. Well, so what? It wasn't as if Sonic was ever careful about what he said either.

Sonic flashed an ingratiating grin. "Not anymore. Come on, tell me you never tried it."

"I can't get drunk."

"Oh yeah." Sonic's eyes narrowed. "The whole, 'ultimate lifeform' thing."

"Yeah. That." Shadow moved to get up. He used to like this dingy little cafe. People didn't find him here, mostly because the lighting was so bad you could hardly see into the corner booth where he usually sat. And you certainly couldn't get a decent drink here. It was a quiet, respectable establishment that served terrible food, and Shadow liked it that way fine. Less traffic.

"Oh common, don't go," Sonic slurred, suddenly too loud, and hiccupped. "Took me like 2 hours to find you."

"Keep it down," Shadow hissed when the few other late-night patrons glanced their way from across the room. He settled back into his seat, if only to quiet his unwanted companion. "Tell me what you want and then get out of here yourself before they kick you out."

Sonic stared at him with watery eyes. The pupils were a bit too wide. He sniffed, but didn't say anything. Well, Shadow wasn't uncomfortable with silence. He could outlast Sonic any day like this. The blue menace couldn't shut up to save his life.

"I'm taking a break," Sonic said at last, with all the significance and finality of a death sentence.

Shadow took a moment to process. "Okay. How long?"

Another hiccup, and then a dangerous wobbling of the lower lip. "Like... a week? Is that good?"

"Why are you asking me? Did you talk to the resistance about it? You don't even work for them anyway, right? They can't make you stay."

"I know they can't make me stay, but do you think a week is long enough..." Sonic's head flopped forward onto the table and Shadow sat back quickly. "Ughhhh..." Sonic let out a groan.

"Pull yourself together," Shadow snapped. "The adequacy of a week-long break depends on how tired you are. Have you never taken one before?"

Sonic shook his head, chin still resting on the table.

Shadow sighed and rubbed his forehead, feeling the beginnings of a migraine tingling behind one eye. "Well, how tired are you? On a scale of 1 to 10?" he tried, hoping to keep things as simple as possible.

"Uh... Can I say 11? Heh." He chuckled, but it wasn't enough to eliminate that horrifying wobbling in his lower lip. This was going to get very uncomfortable very fast if Shadow didn't think of something. This is why he hated when normal people drank to excess.

"Well why don't you sleep it off and see how you feel in the morning?"

Sonic's eyes darted to the dark, cold windows. The beginnings of a storm were brewing outside, gusts of wind intermittently rattling the glass in its frames. "Can people sleep in here?" Sonic's voice was suddenly very small and vulnerable.

"Wha - ? No. Are you still refusing to get a place? Why don't you stay with Tails or something?"

Hiccup. "I'm... taking a break..."

"Oh my god." Yeah, he was definitely getting a migraine. "Well, you're not staying with me."

Sonic's gaze snapped back toward him. "What? Where do you stay?"

"Uhm... my house? That's where normal people stay."

Sonic stared, seemingly fascinated. "You never told me."

"Didn't think I needed to inform you." But Shadow couldn't muster up much venom. It wasn't as though he got the chance to talk about it very often. Rouge had stopped by a few times, and Omega. He was quite proud of it, even if Rouge did say he needed to learn how to decorate. It was small and basic. Functional. Just the way he liked it.

"Can I see it?" Sonic had straightened again with renewed energy.

"No." He made to get up, for real this time. He dropped some bills on the table for the watery coffee he'd drunk earlier.

"Does it have a couch? Maybe I could - "

"Are you for real? Like I'm going to let you - As soon as you know where it is, you'll be over there every single - "

"No, no, I promise I won't. Come on, I've been better at boundaries, haven't I? Haven't I?" Sonic looked up at him with wide, bloodshot eyes. "It's raining," he added for good measure, and Shadow sighed. Sonic had been better lately. Come to think of it, Shadow hadn't "accidentally" run into him in maybe a month.

"Just don't get anything dirty. And don't tell anybody else."

Sonic was giddy. He tripped on the way to the door and almost sent them both into a faceplant. "Calm down!" Shadow scolded, straightening him back up with a push that was a little too rough. But nothing could dampen Sonic's spirits now. He capered out the door first and held it open.

"This is the best day ever!" he shouted into the chill night air, and Shadow snorted.

"Not what you would have said a moment ago," he muttered. But he wasn't really mad, and Sonic knew it. He always knew it. He fell into step behind him, holding one hand up against the lashing rain, and hurried after him into the darkness.

-

"I turned the heat on." Shadow dropped a folded blanket on Sonic's head. Sonic wrapped it around himself gratefully where he sat at one end of the couch, teeth chattering.

"It's... c-cold in space, huh?" he asked.

Shadow didn't answer for a moment. He walked around and sat down beside him. He was already starting to sweat. Not to mention the heating bill. This is why he didn't have guests.

"Yeah, by earth standards," he replied finally, his voice measured. This was difficult to talk about. Sonic should know that by now.

"B-But wasn't anybody cold? Did you have hot water? Hot food?"

Shadow shot an irritable glance at the other side of the couch, only to find that Sonic was gazing at him with earnest curiosity, without even a hint of his usual banter about him. And since he'd asked like that, Shadow couldn't find any real reason not to answer. "Food? No. Everything was packaged. There was hot water for short periods of time, for people to shower. I think everyone was used to the cold." Shadow spoke casually, staring straight ahead into the braided carpet.

Sonic twined his fingers in the blanket. The storm outside was raging in earnest now. "When did people go to sleep? If it was always dark, I mean. Were you all on one schedule?"

"It..." Shadow's mind was doing that thing again. When he tried to speak, whatever thought he'd started to form rerouted to something else. Something safe. He took deep, calming breaths. "All at once," he got out, fingers digging into the sofa. "Or they wouldn't have been able to... to do the tests." One hand traveled to his left arm, tracing the bumpy scars beneath his fur.

"Oh. Thank you for telling me."

Shadow blinked. Flushed. "No problem."

"I don't have parents, either," Sonic said suddenly, matter-of-factly. "Didn't want me, I guess. Don't know what they're missing, huh?" He laughed.

Shadow frowned, glaring sidelong at him. The liquor must've loosened his tongue beyond the usual, surface-level babbling. He wondered if Sonic would regret sharing this with him in the morning.

"So like, the couple who took care of me were old. I didn't have siblings either. And nobody liked me," Sonic continued cheerfully. He took a long drink from the water bottle Shadow had forced him to take. "The only friend I did make was even more of an outcast than I was." He twisted the cap back into place. Ran one finger along the plastic ridges of the bottle.

"I see."

Sonic looked up at him suddenly, as if realizing for the first time that he was there. "Yeah," he affirmed, laughing again. "So then I was looking at how other people were with their friends. They were always joking around and messing with each other, you know? I thought if I did that, people might like me too. Guess I was wrong." He hiccupped. Choked. Let out a shaky breath.

Shadow frowned. "Oh."

"Y-Yeah. I mean, you don't like me, right?" Sonic scanned him with red-rimmed eyes and a frantic sort of hope.

"Hey." Shadow took the bottle from him and set on the end table. He scooted closer and grasped his trembling wrists. "Hey. Take it easy. You're not yourself right now."

"Is that a bad thing?" Sonic's voice broke on a high note. He searched Shadow's face for some kind of signal. "Tell me you don't, for real, and I'll leave you alone. I know I did it wrong. I know I did it wrong."

"You didn't - stop." Shadow reached desperately for the tissue box. (She had taught him how to do that much). "That's not it. That's not it at all. You didn't - I wouldn't... dislike... someone like you."

Sonic pressed a tissue to his eyes. "Someone like me?" His nose scrunched up in confusion and Shadow had to fight the sudden, mindless urge to laugh.

"Someone like you," he repeated, and took the tissue back to dispose of it. "It's no wonder you're tired. All you ever do is think about other people. I know the signs." He huffed at the memories. These ones weren't safe either, but they were good.

"Oh." Sonic seemed calmer now. He tilted a little, resting his forehead against Shadow's shoulder and closing his eyes. "I have a headache."

"I bet you do." Shadow's own migraine had retreated to a dull ache, for now. He wrapped the blanket more tightly around his companion and pulled him in to rest more comfortably against his shoulder. They were silent for several long moments, and Shadow thought Sonic might have fallen asleep. But then he sniffed again.

"Shadow?" he asked quietly.

"What?"

"Do you think they'll still need me? When I go back."

Shadow closed his eyes, shaking his head. "That's a silly question."

[Click here for a sequel]

[tootlesanddoodles]

gay hedgehogs