honestly, I have no idea what calm is. I live in constant self inflicted panic and fear. What do I fear ? well I wish I had a clear answer, but this is the best I can do right now at Twenty.
Becoming more calm to me means to become fearless. To turn into a beast and know that you will conquer everything. Fear eats me alive everyday. I live in fear that my mother will soon pass, I live in fear that she won’t see me graduate. I live in fear that there might be a possibility that my dad isn’t really my dad. I live in fear that my boyfriend doesn’t care about me so he doesn’t hit me as often or wants to be around me as often. But I get that now, who the fuck in their right mind would want to be around someone who just over acts and doesn't know what realistic is. Who wants to be around that. Instead of telling myself that he is an artist and needs time and I have to be understanding that right now I have to come last. In no offense taken now that I see things clearly. But before I didn’t, and I might have overdone the arguing due to not staying calm and imaging crazy scenarios ( i have a wild imagination, I should probably write a book) but I hope I can change that. See because he doesn’t know how much I really appreciate him, and how much peace just him being around brings me. Its as if my the whole world around me does not exist. It is the most beautiful feeling I’ve ever felt, something I don’t ever want to lose. I live in fear that I’m not good enough for him sometimes. That my crazy is too much and that I will lose him, that he will confine in another woman. As of May 2017, I’m independent, and now I’m stressing about rent and how I’m going to live. It scares me, i live in fear so how can I be calm.Â
I’m going to practice writing more. I’m not good with expressing myself to others because I don’t really like to tell other people about my problems. So I rather just write it down. Writing helps a lot for me. Gets my mind flowing and lets my anger out. Allows my thoughts to run wild without confusion or interruption. I always want to pray more, talk more to god. Smiling also is in my list. Just smile, everything will be okay, I promise. Go to the gym with a hot playlist and run the stream or whatever is on your mind off. Run like a river. I’ve recently discovered that what works best for me is sitting outside with music and just thinking. Especially late at night.Â
I hope you stay calm. I hope I stay calm. I hope world war would end. I wish trump wasn’t president.Â
Calm. Calm. CALM. —– I got this.
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