Totally Not Fake News

Alternative Facts for an Alternative America

[totallynotfakenews]

Wisconsin GOP Files Suit to Nullify Special Election

(Reuters - Washington, DC) The Republican Party of Wisconsin has filed an appeal to the US Supreme Court challenging the constitutionality of the recent special election held in Wisconsin on April 7 concurrently with the Democratic Primary. Democratic candidate Jill Karofsky won her bid to upset heavily favored Republican Daniel Kelly for a Supreme Court seat. “Holding a special election during a quarantine deprives those who were responsibly practicing social distancing their franchise, an unacceptable curtailing of the rights of all Wisconsonians,” said Andrew Witt, Chair of the Wisconsin GOP, “To force people to go vote in conditions guaranteeing some of them will die as a result is unconscionable. The proof that this was engineered to win the election for Democrat Karofsky is that she won in a race everyone expected the Republican Daniel Kelly to win in a free and fair election. Responsible Republicans stayed home, denied their constitutional rights, while the Democrat Party conspired to steal a supreme court seat.” Wisconsin Republicans had won a Supreme Court injunction, 5-4, preventing the governor from delaying the Democratic Primary. When asked whether this was a contradiction, Witt explained that the result of the Democratic Primary was a foregone conclusion because the DNC had already chosen its candidate. “The feckless Democrat DNC knew the only way for Bernie to win was if the majority of Democrat voters who didn’t want Bernie had their votes split up while Bernie’s coalition remained intact. So they strong-armed the other candidates like Warren and Buttigieg to drop out to foil Bernie’s ability to lose his plurality just because a majority chose someone else. As 2016 showed, that’s completely unAmerican. As a result, ending this foregone conclusion was in the best interests of Wisconsin. We should have held the farce right away and delayed the special election to a regular work day where as many of the working class were at work as possible and retirees could safely leave their retirement homes and vote as possible.”

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Leaked! Trump will Claim that the Democratic Party Caved and gave him the Wall Funds During the State of the Union Address, Claims Wall is Built

(TNFN) - TotallyNotFakeNews has received an advance copy of Trump’s State of the Union address and, in it, he plans on claiming victory.

“I am proud to report to you that the State of our Union is strong - but the state of our wall is stronger!” he plans on beginning, “We now have over 1000 kilometers more wall than we had when George Bush left office, and the Democrats ultimately did not oppose any of it. Today’s opposition is merely political theater - sad!”

His tone throughout the SotU appears to be victorious and celebratory, stressing how much he has won over the last two years and downplaying Democratic gains in the House by leaning heavily on the GOP’s picking up of two Senate seats in red states as indications of Democratic weakness.

TNFN’s own Emilius Otrepamfuak asked Sarah Huckabee Sanders to verify that we had a true copy of the SotU address. Ms. Sanders observed that she was unable to confirm whether the address was a true copy because she was not privy to the President’s speeches in advance. In fact, she said that no one was, and suggested we were either making things up or Trump himself gave us the speech, in which case, her confirmation was unnecessary.  Mr. Otrepamfuak denied that TNFN would do either one of those, because that would be either reprehensible or amount to bragging about how the President confides in his favorite news source more than he does in his own staff. Emilius denies claims that he skipped out of the room.

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President Trump Demands FBI Investigate Antifa’s Home Invasion of Tucker Carlson

(Washington, DC - AP) On Sunday night, President Trump demanded at a contentious press conference that the FBI investigate Antifa for terrorism charges after Tucker Carlson reported they broke down his door and assaulted his children in their beds.

On November 7th, protests outside Tucker Carlson’s home left the Fox News host shaken and angry. Carlson said there was pounding on the door and it cracked before his wife had a chance to lock herself in a pantry safe room. None of her children joined her in the safe room.

“They chanted, ‘Death to Whitey,’ and, ‘burn all Christians,’ reported Carlson in a tweet. When asked to explain why Carlson’s version of events doesn’t appear in the police reports, Trump replied, “Because the liberals like Nancy Pelosi and Obama are in charge of the city and hand-pick officers who hate Real Americans. A white Christian male can’t get a fair shake in DC.” “This is a preview of what it will be like when the Caravan of invading leftist Mexicans arrives at the border from Honduras - which we expect will happen just in time for the election in 2020,” the President added.

When asked to comment, chief of police Lanier categorically denied the charge, adding, “I guess this is what you get when you legalize pot.”

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Liam Neeson Drops Prop Guns

Violent movies contribute too much to today’s mass shootings, the Hollywood action star says.

(Los Angeles, Reuters) - Citing the popularity of his movies among young men aged 17-30, Oscar Winner Liam Neeson says he will be dropping prop firearms from any action movie he makes, relying instead on martial arts.

“I’ll still make threats with finger-guns as a compromise,” he said, demonstrating, “but my characters will always follow it up with Jiu-Jitsu or Kung Fu instead of the violence of guns.”

Yes, people will still die in his movies, and bad guys will, of course, use firearms. But the heroes of the story will always use direct-contact violence, or use knives and, of course, swords for his fantasy movies. 

“I believe Mr. Neeson’s appeal is Mr. Neeson, not Glock or Ruger,” said his publicist when asked for further comment, “And that will be made clear in his next movie project.” Mr. Neeson’s next project does, indeed, forego the possibility of his arming himself, as he is set to play the Pope.

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Trump to Unveil New Immigration Plan at SOTU

At issue is pre-deportation detention

(Washington, D.C. - TNFN) Totally Not Fake News has confirmed through sources that President Donald Trump plans to unveil the Republican’s latest compromise plan to ease the immigration problem. Known as the Work Will Set You Free act, undocumented workers will be allowed to remain with their employers while the government works on their deportation. “Too many illegal immigrants are detained and jailed at taxpayer expense,” Trump will say in his speech, “all while waiting for deportation proceedings. The delay can last weeks or even months. This will help cushion the blow to our economy by allowing the aliens to remain with their employers. They would be responsible for their own room and board, and we will even offer job placement for aliens currently in detention. There are plenty of menial jobs at prison-labor rates that can really improve the quality of life for these criminals.”

The plan will also save money because rather than government employees keeping tabs on compliance, the government will employ other illegal aliens as Keep America Productive Officers who will insure that those enjoying these privileges are both good employees and stay where they can be found when it’s time to deport them.

“Everyone’s happy: employers are given notice and a timetable for finding replacements, government is kept smaller, the taxpayer saves money on program costs, and the illegal aliens themselves return home with some money in their pockets,” said plan architect Richard Spencer, “Everyone’s happy!” he reiterated.

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Donald Trump Nominates Roy Moore to the Supreme Court

Trump’s nomination represents an attempt at expanding the Court to 10 members.

(Washington DC) Donald Trump today said that yesterday’s events were a clear signal from God that Roy Moore’s place is in Washington as co-Chief-Justice of the Supreme Court, sharing Chief Justice duties with Justice Roberts.

“Today we embark on a new chapter in God’s plan,” said Moore at the press conference announcing his nomination, “You can draw a direct line from Joseph and Mary to today and in both cases the Christians were discriminated against. The Soros liberals have told us there’s no room at the Inn of the Capitol Building but Trump kindly offers the Manger of the Supreme Court. With the Wise Men of Gorsuch, Alito, and Thomas at my side, we will help the Court rule as it always should have.”

When reached for comment, Mitch McConnell said they would be willing to suspend filibuster rules again, “...so that the people’s voice may be heard.”

No date has yet been set for confirmation proceedings.

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Virginia Republicans Cave to Political Correctness

GOP House of Delegates Leader to eliminate gendered form of address

(TNFN - Virginia) In a stunning victory for advocates of social justice, Virginia’s Republican Speaker of the House of Delegates is proposing to do away with gendered forms of address in the chamber, trashing the traditional “gentleman” and “gentlewoman” - a tradition dating back almost 100 years - in favor of the PC term “delegate”. 

The talk around the capitol is that after November’s bloodbath, where Virginia’s Democratic Party increased its House membership 44% and the GOP narrowly avoided losing control of what has been a conservative state for almost 250 years, the Republican Party had to make up ground where it was weakest - social issues. 

“Millenials are voting against the GOP in record numbers and that’s largely driven by their more accepting social stances,” said one anonymous GOP official, “This was seen the best move in a lose-lose situation.”

Others, however, credit this profound move to the left to Delegate Danica Roem, who recently unseated arguably the most homophobic delegate in the state earlier this month. This victory was seen as a clear signal the GOP’s days were numbered in Virginia, and the proposed change is seen as a direct result of her victory over the sitting delegate.

When she takes her seat in January, Ms. Roem will have already been the owner of perhaps one of the biggest political sea-changes in recent memory in Virginia as the delegates welcome her to the chamber.

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Trump Totally Snubs TNFN

Trump endorses site that broke Hillary lesbian underage sex tape over TNFN

According to Thinkprogress, a site usually late to the party, President Trump tweeted a link to magapill.com, a competitor of TNFN which broke stories on earthquake machines, the plot to weaponize forced vaccinations, and a report on human sacrifice.  We at TNFN feel that Trump has overlooked the premier alternative news site in favor of one which does a disservice to its readers by coming across as paranoid, partisan, and preposterous, as well as demonstrating a notable lack of alliteration. 

The TNFN editorial board has determined that this oversight comes entirely from a lack of twitter presence, one which we have since rectified. Come follow us at TNFNtweets on twitter!

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Trump Becomes First President to Pardon Turkey, Starts New Thanksgiving Tradition

President Donald Trump pardoned a Thanksgiving Turkey today, becoming the first president to do so and starting a new tradition.

“Never before has any president done this,” he tweeted, “Sad,” he observed.

Thanksgiving became a national holiday in 1863 - at the height of the Civil War - and is therefore not celebrated through much of the South. 

“I’m hoping that this sign of unity as a Representative of Red States, including the South, and this National Bird, will help heal all of America, making it great again,” he tweeted hours later.

“I feel so good about myself doing this,” Trump said as he stroked the turkey. Then, he finally declared: “Drumstick, you are hereby pardoned.”

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Trump Proposes Prison Reform

The President today submitted to Congress legislation to provide five-star accommodations with a scenic view, a fireplace, high-speed Internet, and conjugal visits with people other than their wives for any offender who once held the highest office in the land.

“A President has served his country and should circumstances arise where he needs to serve years beyond the end of his term he should be afforded prison accommodations befitting his social rank, regardless of whether he finds himself inconvenienced for larceny, fraud, or espionage,” said White House advisor Steve Bannon, “We think this is appropriate to that end.”

Trump made the highly unusual move of tweeting during daylight hours in support of the bill:

Republicans have stated that they fully support Trump but don’t think they have enough votes, despite holding the majority in both houses of Congress and having done away with the filibuster.

“You won’t find a single Republican opposing the President,” said House Speaker Paul Ryan, “but we just don’t have the votes yet. We’re still trying to identify how a conscience made its way past security and we hope that our base understands that this is entirely the Democrat Party’s fault.”

Congress will resume consideration of the bill after their October-February Christmas break.

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Tweets Prove Trump, Jr.,’s Collusion was Unofficial

(CNN) Donald Trump tweeted a series of tweets of conversations between Donald Trump and Vladimir Putin during the 2016 campaign that prove that Donald Trump, Jr., acted alone.

“Fake news is failing to dominate the news cycle. Sad. #CNNbodyslam” he tweeted later.

Rush Limbaugh was quick to declare the scandal over.

“By definition, a Republican president cannot lie,” said Limbaugh Thursday, “So anyone who reports on this so-called ‘Russiagate’ is lying to you and part of the liberal mainstream MSM media.”

Kellyanne Conway is scheduled to be on Anderson Cooper 360 tonight to address these tweets. Sources at CNN say that Anderson has been spending hours in front of a mirror holding a printed out copy of a pear meme, practicing saying, “Lolwut?” without first rolling his eyes.

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New Sharia Law in England

Compromise law requires investigators of crimes involving Muslims face Mecca to pray two times a day

(London - BBC) A new law, inspired by Sharia and passed as an indication that the British government is sensitive to the needs and culture of its Muslim minority, requires any police investigation involving Muslims - either as suspects or victims - to face Mecca twice a day for prayer. Originally, the proposed law required five times daily, as it is for Muslims, but in order to avoid accusations that this was a sign the Church of England was changing to Islam, the compromise bill made it twice daily, once at the midday prayers and once in the evening.

“If the officer is off-duty, it exempts them from completing the second prayer,” said MP Shiela Wainwright, “Although the law urges investigators to consider praying five times, on-duty or off, while the investigation is on-going.”

The law is difficult to follow, say critics, as often the religion of perpetrators and victims is unknown, and the law also fails to exempt Muslim officers, and some interpretations of the law imply they therefore will pray seven times a day.

“It’s complete shit,” said BNP MP George Englebert, “We didn’t Brexit our way out of the EU just so we could Brenter Islam.”

The law took effect just before the London attacks by Khalid Masood, 52, and so it serves as a high-visibility first implementation of the law and an opportunity to demonstrate to the world Britain’s tolerance and that it doesn’t blame all Muslims for the actions of a few.

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Trump Supporter Shot, Hate Crime Suspected

Gunman yelled, “Go back to your country!” while shooting.

(AP - Bismarck, ND)  A Trump supporter was shot by a man wielding an assault weapon yelling, “Go back to your country!” The victim, Willie “Tex” Johnson, came over from his home in Portland, Oregon, in order to work on the Dakota Access Pipeline and is in critical but stable condition at the Sacred Heart of Jesus Catholic Hospital in Bloomington, IL.

The attack appears to be unprovoked, although sources in the prosecutor’s office say that hate crime charges are planned for the suspect, Wahchintonka Jones of Bismarck, who fired multiple rounds in his attack. 

It’s not immediately clear where Mr. Johnson’s family is from, but it’s clear he is of non-native extraction.

“He doesn’t even claim Cherokee ancestry - which about 99% of white people claim even though less than 1% have any Cherokee ancestry at all.” said family friend and co-worker, Ed Cochrane, “He’s whiter than the Queen of England. So I think it was a hate crime.”

Witnesses say that Mr. Johnson was coming out of a 7-11 with a bag of pork rinds and a Mountain Dew, and Mr. Jones followed him out of the store. It’s unclear if there was a confrontation inside, but as Johnson started getting into the passenger seat of Cochrane’s truck, Jones pulled out a gun and fired while yelling.

Jones fled the scene, dropping the gun and was found by police walking along the side of the road less than a mile away. He was taken into custody without incident and his public defender is asking for a psych evaluation.

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Trump Issues Executive Order Ending Trigger Warnings for Movies

MPAA system has been in its current form for over 25 years

(Breitbart - Oval Office) President Donald J. Trump has issues a new Executive Order ending the liberal political correctness behind the Trigger Warnings that have been used to kill the commercial viability of movies and interfering with educational films like Apocalypto and Children of Men, which deliver a pro-life message and is the real reason they were given a so-called “r rating”.

The MPAA has been issuing movie ratings to help guide parents in their decisions to expose children to too much violence or any sexual nudity. 

“It’s useless,” said White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer, “I took my wife to see 50 Shades of Grey in order to re-ignite our interest in helping do our civic duty. But there were parents who brought three year-olds to the film and instead, it made my wife so uncomfortable she got a headache instead.”

Correction: an earlier version of this article speculated that Secretary Spicer’s social agenda was negatively impacted by the experience and is the source of his constant foul mood. That speculation was completely out of place and we’re told there are no problems ‘down there’.

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CPAC Quietly Re-Invites Milo Yiannopoulos

Disinviting him after criticizing Berkeley seen as hypocritical

(TNFN Exclusive) You won’t see his name in the program. You won’t see signs for his talk. However, CPAC has nonetheless given Milo Yiannopoulos a room to host a panel on the alt-Right and his appearance on Bill Maher. His talk, which is reported to take place Saturday the 25th from 2-4pm in room E of the convention center.

Organizers for the Conservative Political Action Conference (CPAC) had re-invited the controversial figure after a debate over free speech and hypocrisy became heated at a staff meeting of conference personnel. Sources state that organizers were concerned that after the heavy criticism levied at Berkeley over uninviting Yiannopoulos, CPAC looks like gross hypocrites for canceling his appearance.

The anti-Yiannopoulos staff members objected that his apparent pro-pedophilia statements regarding grown men helping young gay boys through a coming of age about which they cannot talk to their parents were not political but criminal in nature, and advocating criminal acts, especially crimes against nature, and especially against children, even consensual, made his statements qualitatively different than his advocacy of enshrining bigotry in law.

Pro-Yiannopoulos staffers offered the rebuttal that speech is speech, and that offering a gay man a forum devoted to government policy is therefore an entirely unrelated event yet valuable in dispelling the notion that the GOP is anti-gay. 

Eventually, the pro-Yiannopoulos side won when they offered to leave the talk out of the event program and rely on word of mouth.

“Yiannopoulos will avoid the subject of sex entirely,” said a source familiar with the discussion, “and keep the conversation focused on immigration, political correctness, and liberal anti-speech at colleges and universities creating a hostile environment for conservative students.”

It’s not clear what will happen now that it has been made public, and organizers will be having yet another emergency meeting on Friday the 24th to review their options. The source suggested that since the event was never in the program, they may yet un-invite him again and argue that he had never been restored to the conference. 

 TNFN will pursue an answer and post an update to this article when appropriate 

Correction: An earlier version of this article said that his advocacy of HB2 was not to protect girls in women’s bathrooms but to create an atmosphere where more “coming of age” opportunities could arise. That was pure speculation on the part of our correspondent.

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Vice President Mike Pence on Fact-Finding Tour of Dachau

(Reuters - Munich) American Vice-President Mike Pence laid a wreath at the memorial for the Dachau concentration camp as he toured Europe to solicit support for recognizing the unfair deal the world had imposed on the United States following the Cold War, leaning heavily on American leadership and economics to sustain the post-Cold War peace.

Taking questions, Pence was asked about the use of the term Holocaust yet not making reference to Jews, to which Pence offered an expansion of previous statements by the administration.

“The president has made his position clear,” said the vice-president, “The Jews are not the only victims of the Holocaust. There were Lutherans, Jehovah’s Witnesses, Catholics... the Holocaust affected many other faiths and creeds, and Hitler’s persecution of Christians is well-established fact. As NAZI Party Secretary Martin Bohrmann said, 'National Socialism and Christianity are irreconcilable.’”

“But isn’t the popular use of the term, Holocaust, usually used in reference to the genocide of the Jews?” asked Glen Thrush of the New York Times.

“Typical mainstream journalism,” replied Pence, shaking his head, “The term comes from the Greek, not the Jewish language, and its first usage in the post-medieval era was by Leitch Ritchie in reference to the genocide of Christians in France, possibly as a sacrifice to mollify Islamic Terrorists who had recently attacked Tours in Southern France.” He went on to stare at Thrush, who, at a loss for words, sat back down.

[TNFN Note: The Battle of Tours occurred more than 1000 years before Leitch Ritchie was born.]

“There were, of course, some non-Christian victims of Hitler, as some men suspected of crimes against nature were, in fact, merely political opponents,” the vice-president added.

“Wasn’t the LGBT community victimized as well?” asked Jeff Gannon.

“No,” said Pence, “If that was the case, they would have been liberated with the camps. Instead, they were moved to other prisons. Hitler didn’t treat the LGBT community any worse than anyone else.”

No more questions were taken and Pence headed to his next tour stop, described on the itinerary distributed by White House Chief Advisor Steve Bannon, as the Warsaw low-income housing projects built by the Germans during WWII to provide shelter to over 400,000 Jews.

Correction: An earlier version of this article misspelled White House Chief Advisor’s name as ‘Steve Bunyon’.

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Trump Pardons Obama

(AP - Washington, D.C.) Early Sunday Morning, President Trump announced that he is issuing a blanket pardon for former president Barack Obama, the first such action by a president since President Ford pardoned Richard Nixon in September of 1974.

“I simply believe that the nation needs to turn the page and begin anew. We can’t get on with making America Great with a constant clamoring for extensive and time-consuming prosecutions of former presidents and secretaries of state,” said President Trump, “I’m sure Barack will tell you himself that the actions of the previous president only served to disrupt progress.”

“I am thankful to President Trump,” said President Obama, “He compassionately wanted to let me retire in peace. I just wish I had the same strength of character when it came to whether or not to pardon President Bush.”

In their White House meeting, the second since President Trumps’ inauguration, the President basked in Obama’s endorsements while returning the compliment.

“It’s not out of the question that I’ll award Obama the Presidential Medal of Freedom. After all, he enabled a peaceful transition to the freest administration since the Founding Fathers,” concluded President Trump.

With Obama receiving a blanket pardon, the nation’s healing can truly begin.