sure he wanted you dead and would have celebrated your death with fervor and lightning. sure, he would have mocked your sexual assault and he would have implied you love playing victim, he would have made any instances of abuse into fragments. sure, he was terrible and horrific to you for the crime of existing - sure! he thought that your personhood was some kind of semantic debate. and yes, oh yes. he did definitely turn others into nazis.
oh yes, of course - if you did die this way - he would have tried to debate your weeping parents, to defame your family and friends. he would have smeared your memory until you were just a conversation topic, not a person.
but now that the motherfucker is dead; you need to be so milquetoast and careful about your words. you need to condemn whoever shot him. you need to give him hour-long speeches about how he's just a person. you need to talk about him with a gentleness and kindness he has never shown you, that he would not ever have shown in your death. the way you talk about this vile white man who has a legacy of radicalism and violent rhetoric - you need to picture him with angel wings. a sad day for the country!
(if it was you - shit. he would have said you were asking for it.)
you need to privately beg god that it is someone from the rightwing, because no matter the identity of the shooter - it's going to be your fault in the end. it is going to get people hurt or killed; which is ironically probably what he would have wanted. and you don't want to rile the rightwing; because this isn't about just political debate anymore. they genuinely and truly seem to want an all-out war.
they are a weapon of god! they have been taught to stand up and say i'm christian when the shooter comes in; this is that moment for them. despite years of telling any minority "don't make victimhood your personality" - they truly believe they are being hunted. their rights infringed upon because, you know, someone on the train has a rainbow wig on. you aren't imagining it - things these days really are more unsafe. and this man fucking helped make it that way.
and you watch as this fucking country - and the actual president - repaint this man as being a fucking saint. that it is implied to be a crime just to speak badly of a man who left behind a legacy of dishonest debate. they mocked george floyd relentlessly; "just questioned the reality" of the sandy hook shooting; ignored the death of melissa hortman entirely.
it's just - it feels like fucking gaslighting. because it doesn't matter how gently and sweetly you condemn the violence - and isn't gun control is literally part of what separates the right and the left - you're still somehow calling for it. and even though he hated you and wanted you dead; you need to show that man some respect. even though he was a fucker that often hurt others and encouraged radicalization - you need to salute this man like he was an actual veteran instead of just, like, really annoying.
that man is not a hero. to have the kind personality where the first assumption at your end is - because of who he was, it was probably someone looking for revenge.
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