Rating: NC-17 (hopefully tumblr doesn’t block this).
Word Count: 52,886 words. (Yeah, this is a book. Take your time with it. Sorry it’s so long, we couldn’t decide on a place to cut it.)
Notes: Well, the monster that we’ve been working on since… like March is finally complete.We’d had this idea for a few years now. We had wanted to write a what-if fic, imagining what could have possibly happened had Ken chosen not to go to the anteiku raid at the end of the first manga. We played with the idea even more during Ken’s monologue in chapter 144, where he mentioned that he wondered what would have happened had he chosen to go with Touka and Yomo, instead. We were also somewhat inspired by @ladywongs’s Goodnight, Sleepyhead, and wanted to try our hand at writing a long one-shot.And then, this beast was born.Let us know if you enjoyed it! Leave a comment, like, and reblog if you can, though we know the fandom has been more or less dead since the end of the series. Enjoy! (Alternate Universe, Canon Divergence).
Summary: (In which, Ken chooses to stay during the anteiku raid – and that makes all of the difference.)
“Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;
Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,
And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.”
- Robert Frost, The Road Not Taken.
Life was a peculiar, merciless beast.
One moment, you’re a freshman – all bright-eyed and anxious about your first day at university. You hope to meet new friends; or to graduate. Maybe you’ll find a good job or a girlfriend, like you’ve always wanted. Someone who would talk to you about Takatsuki Sen – or Osamu Dazai, who would want to put together the strange, jagged, and uneven pieces of the puzzle that you were. You would leave less like the pathetic loser than when you first entered.
And yet, Ken’s life had gone in an unexpected and chaotic direction. He’s 19 now, looking like hell, while consoling his crying “would be murderer who had become a trusted comrade who actually cares about him at this point, as well as an upperclassman who nearly ate his best friend. Entering University had in fact led to multiple changes in is life, though none of them had been good. He’s even inclined to agree that it had also treated the men before him rather unkindly - with the exception of Tsukiyama-san, he thinks it makes sense why they all dropped out.
It’s not a surprise when he sees the news – the 20th ward was going on lockdown. The doves had found a ghoul den. Life was merciless, after all. Nor is it a surprise when he finds himself standing on that rooftop – contemplating his next move, either.
“It’s fucked up, but that’s how it’s like on this bitch of an Earth,” Nishiki comments over Shuu’s soft sobbing. His heart went out for the guy, it really did, nearly eating his girlfriend aside. “But he has a point, if you want to go into that raid at this point, it’s suicide.”
Nishiki’s eyes study him for a moment. “Unless that is what you want, then go for it. But you should know I think you’re an idiot for even trying.”
Ken looks down at his hands, the anger within him building. He had felt this anger often – at the unfairness of it all – at being weak. He couldn’t protect anything. Nor could he choose. Everything that he touched turned to ash within his very fingertips. Though, this anger is different. It’s deeper – a starker anger that even his body couldn’t seem to contain. It’s not just limited to himself anymore, he was angry at Rize, his mother, his horrible aunt and her family — angry at this whole fucking world.
The list could go on and on but it wouldn’t take the blame off of his own complicity in the bad decisions he’s made.
“Then what do you suggest I do?” Ken asks, at this point he wasn’t even there was anything he could do. The sadness was inescapable, would death even solve it? A death – a stylish one?
Fuck it. Fuck everything.
He wanted to go – he had to try, at least, didn’t he? Even if he wound up dying with the rest of them. It’d be quite a way to die, with his friends at his back. At least then he’d be dying for something. His life would mean something as long as he did that. It was the least that he owed to the staff at anteiku, who had taken him in and showed him a new way of life when he had been at his lowest –
“You don’t have to sacrifice yourself — you shouldn’t have to do that, just to go out in style. Does it matter when you really want to live?”
The voice sounded more like Hide than he wants to admit, his thoughts scurrying to his best friend. Granted they’ve never spoke about this so candidly, but it would be nice if Hide were here right now. He would know what to do, wouldn’t he? He was good with plans – with decisions. Choices. What would he do? Or…
You’re a coward, you only care about yourself.
He clenches his fists. Touka. She was always so decisive, too. She would have an answer – wouldn’t she? Is that what you want? To throw yourself into this endless bullshit?
Maybe that’s exactly what he wanted.
Acting like some shitty tragic hero with that grim look! You’re an eyesore! You can’t even protect yourself, what makes you think you can protect others?!
She was right. She was always right and yet he can still remember making her cry and turn away from him. Would she even want to see him? What would she do? She’d probably go and fight – wouldn’t she? Though, she had told him to live. Fighting would end in death, wouldn’t it? A stylish death – but a death nonetheless. You’re an idiot, he can hear her voice now – so clearly. Are you really couldn’t to throw your life away?
“We can run,” Nishiki pipes up, as though sensing his hesitancy. “I’m pretty sure Yomo and Touka are doing the same.” Yomo and Touka? They were safe, then. Somehow, that was a relief. Somewhat.
They listen to Shuu quiet, his pale hands reaching for the can of coffee. Crying was exhausting, he was getting dirt on his expensive clothes. Ken frowns again, that’s how many friends he’s made cry?
“And then?” Ken asks. His mind was already churning, formulating some kind of solution that would keep everyone safe.
“M-My home,” Shuu gasps, wiping at his face. “It’s just my father and I, there’s more than enough room.” Of course he was only speaking to Kaneki.
Ken’s expression was unreadable.
Stay – or – go? Stay – or – go? Stay – or – go? Stay – or – go? Stay – or – go?
His eyes squeeze shut, hands balling into fists as he tries desperately to think. He wanted to go – he wanted to go so badly – but – He isn’t convinced yet, he — has to make amends. He had decided to return to anteiku, but there wouldn’t be an anteiku soon, would there? Still – some of the people who had made anteiku into a home for him were still alive, weren’t they?
That’s a good choice, man, Hide’s voice whispers, urging him on. You don’t have to die. Your friends would want you to live.
“Let’s decide as a group then,” he prefers to not think about it, watching the entrance to the 20th get blockaded, it’s difficult to see this but he knew that it was a weight far too heavy for him to carry. And – there were people still waiting for him – weren’t they? I don’t want to leave them behind, he thinks to himself. Not even if I’m not worthy – and even if i’m selfish and indecisive – I shouldn’t… leave them behind.
Nishiki sits up, smirking as he crumpled up the coffee can. Even Shuu’s interest is a piqued.