i dont know how to explain what i feel or think , when i try to put it in to words i just feel empty , my mind goes blank. lets see how long it takes me to figure out a way to describe my mind , body and soul.
1:27pm it feels like theres a hole in me. maybe its in my heart or maybe in my head or maybe in my soul. im not sure but its there. and no matter how much i try to fill it with the things i love , its like
1:43pm its like when you try to use a paper towel to clean up a water spill. the paper towel will cover the mistake but the mistake will eventually soak up the paper towel and the paper towel will fall apart. then you have to throw it away.
2:07pm i
3:22pm i feel drained , too. and theres no reason for it , i havent done anything to tire me out. but it makes me feel lazy , boring ,
3:59pm then even more tired because feeling drains even more out of me but fuck i couldnt even tell you why i was drained in the first place
5:01pm i wish i was drained of blood instead. i cant remember a single day in the past 6 years that i havent been suicidal. nothing is enough to make me want to stay alive and grow older and do things with my life
6:00pm sometimes thinking about things id like to do in the future gets me excited and i talk about it with a few people and it makes me feel a little better but then it crashes. eventually it crashes. it always crashes. i cant feel hopeful because it never lasts. i want to feel hopeful but where are the endorphins when u need them
9pm i fell asleep on accident and i feel more tired and sad than before. i hate sleeping because i always wake up feeling the same ; like i dont want to get out of bed , like theres an elephant sat on my shoulders that just refuses to let me get up. it hurts. every part of my mind, body and soul wants me to stay where i am and not do anything ever again. but i just
9:06pm i want to be a normal, happy person that has goals for the future that they actually work hard on achieving.
11:45pm i have to let my teachers know tomorrow why i havent finished filming my last couple of scenes for our project. why? cause i dont feel like getting up and doing it. the thought of having to record myself makes me cry and that isnt an exaggeration. i think about every single imperfection , gender dysphoria , mistake , any and everything i’ll dislike about the recording and myself in general and i cant bring myself to do it and i hope my teachers understand. its not like when i use snapchat or any other social media to take photos or videos because now i cant pick all my best angles and filters and edit them. they have to be raw, from all sorts of angles that make me hate myself more than ever. i hate it and i was meant to finish recording on Thursday and it’s now Sunday.
2:28am i have been crying for who knows how long and i want to cry so much more but im empty of tears and i think im gonna start writing every thing i do that may be a sign of certain mental health diagnosis because im convinced i have so much and thats so ridiculous but it might be the anxiety that i probably have but havent been diagnosed with because i havent seen a professional because im too scared to and i hate talking about my feelings
4:01am i have an online college call in 5 hours so do i sleep? do i play something on my phone to keep me up? do i
7:32am we know which option i went for but im gonna take a nap which im actually scared to take cause im gonna wake up bad again but a woman crawling on all fours might jump out at me if i look at my bedroom floor any longer.
